Sossella David - The thrifty time travelers guide to ancient Rome: a handbook of time travelers

VIKING

Penguin Young Readers

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

375 Hudson Street

New York, New York 10014

First published in the United States of America by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2018

Text copyright 2018 by Tracy Street Productions, Inc.

Illustrations copyright 2018 by David Sossella

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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING - IN - PUBLICATION DATA

Names: Stokes, Jonathan W., author. | Sossella, David, illustrator.

Title: The thrifty guide to ancient Rome: a handbook for time travelers / by Jonathan W. Stokes ; illustrated by David Sossella.

Description: New York : Penguin Group, 2017. | Series: The thrifty guides | Audience: Grades 46. | Audience: Ages 812.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017006306 (print) | LCCN 2017007298 (ebook) | ISBN 9781101998083 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780451479600 (paper-over-board) | ISBN 9781101998120 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: RomeCivilizationJuvenile literature.

Classification: LCC DG77 .S83 2017 (print) | LCC DG77 (ebook) | DDC 937dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017006306

Version_1

For Zach Greenberger

PREFACE

The ThriftyGuide to Ancient Rome: A Handbook for Time Travelers was published holographically by Time Corp in the year 2163. It presents a complete vacation package for tourists visiting ancient Rome. A careless time traveler accidentally left a copy of this handy guidebook in our own era, where it was picked up by a New York publishing house. The result is the book you are now reading.

Researchers suspect that in the future Time Corp will publish many editions of the Thrifty Guide series, including guides for ancient Greece, medieval times, and the American Revolution. It seems Time Corp will acquire most of North America in a hostile takeover sometime around 2150. As of yet, we know very little about Time Corps corporate overlord, Finn Greenquill, except that his lawyers are too disorganized to prevent us from republishing this book.

The Thrifty Guide to Ancient Rome contains information vital to the sensible time traveler:

• Where can I find a decent hotel room in ancient Rome for under five sesterces a day? Is horse parking included?
• What do I do if Im attacked by barbarians?
• What are my legal options if Im fed to the lions at the Colosseum?

All this is answered and more. There is handy advice on finding the best picnicking spots to watch Julius Caesars assassination at the Roman Forum in 44 BC, as well as helpful real estate tips to profit from the great Roman fire of AD 64. There are even useful recommendations on which famous historical figures to meet for lunch, and a few nifty pointers on how to avoid being poisoned, beheaded, or torn apart by an angry mob.

What follows is the guidebook, exactly as it was discovered on a sidewalk outside Franks Pizza in Manhattan in AD 2018....

THE THRIFTY GUIDE TO ANCIENT ROME

A HANDBOOK FOR TIME TRAVELERS

TIME CORP! SERVING YESTERDAY, FOR A BETTER TOMORROW, TODAY.

Copyright 2163 by Time Corp

Anyone who travels back in time to 2162 and publishes this book before it was written is subject to the copyright laws of 2163 and the Draconian punishment laws of 621 BC.

MAP OF TIME CORP HEADQUARTERS IN NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW YORK, AD 2163

INTRODUCTION

Those of us clever enough to be born in the twenty-second century lead perfect lives. School, for instance, can be a rough period in life... unless you have a time machine and can skip it altogether. Then you can focus on the good parts, like vacations, which you can live over and over again.

Didnt study for the big exam? No problem, you have a time machine. Didnt think of the right joke on the spur of the moment? Fire up that time machine. Chose the wrong career and lived a life full of regret? Buenos das, time machine!

Of course, this all made life somewhat complicated once time machines became household appliances in AD 2149. Somehow, everyone began picking the winning lottery numbers. Everyone threw game-winning touchdowns. And everyone nailed their job interviews. Suddenly, everyone was fantastically wealthy, which led to inflation. And everyone was fantastically happy, which was just obnoxious.

All this led to the great economic collapse of 2150, in which everyone became so poor they had to sell their time machines. But we digress.

The point is, people in the past led difficult lives. Those poor chumps were forced to fight wars because they didnt already know the outcome. They needed to come up with new ideas using creativity, rather than just copying ideas from the future. And they still experienced even the most basic health problems, like death.

All this means that the past is an infinitely more interesting time period than our own. So grab your iridium blaster, stamp your past-port, and enjoy your vacation to yesteryear. And always remember: leave no trace, and try not to start any wars that werent supposed to be started.

Scientists used to believe there were infinite possible timelines, leading to infinite possible worlds, which meant there were infinite scientists in infinite worlds, working on infinite theories of time. Following this logic, scientists began billing their universities for infinite overtime. So the universities quickly scrapped this entire theory.