Stokes - The Thrifty Guide to Ancient Greece

The Thrifty Guide toAncient Greece: A Handbook for Time Travelers was published holographically by Time Corp in the year 2164. It offers a complete vacation package for tourists visiting ancient Greece. A careless time traveler accidentally lost a copy of this handy guidebook in our own era, along with guides to ancient Rome, the American Revolution, and even medieval times. A New York publishing house decided to republish these books in 2018, beating Time Corp to market by more than a century.

The Thrifty Guide to Ancient Greece provides useful information for the practical time traveler:

• How can I find a decent tunic that wont break my bank account?

• Where can I score cheap theater tickets in ancient Athens?

• What do I do if Im being attacked by an army of five million Persians?

The guide answers this buzzing swarm of questions with the flyswatter of information. There are nifty nuggets on how to attend the ancient Olympic Games, how to meet your favorite Greek philosopher, and how you can help the Spartans win the Battle of Thermopylae without ending up on the wrong end of a Persian arrow. So wrap up your cloak and strap on your sandals. What follows is the original Thrifty Guide to Ancient Greece, as it was discovered on a sidewalk outside Franks Pizza in Manhattan in AD 2018....

THE THRIFTY GUIDE TO ANCIENT GREECE

A HANDBOOK FOR TIME TRAVELERS

TIME CORP! SERVING YESTERDAY, FOR A BETTER TOMORROW, TODAY.

Copyright 2164 by Time Corp

Anyone who uses time travel to read this book before it is written is welcome to send hints to the Time Corp writing staffit will help them hit their deadlines. Anyone who gives this book to the ancient Greeks is subject to the Spoiler Alert Laws of 2162.

TIME CORP! SERVING YESTERDAY, FOR A BETTER TOMORROW, TODAY.

INTRODUCTION BY TIME CORP CEO AND CORPORATE OVERLORD,

FINN GREENQUILL

Congratulations on purchasing The Thrifty Guide to Ancient Greece: A Handbook for Time Travelers, the best book in existence! The ancient Greeks gave the world democracy, philosophy, and theater, but thats nothing. I, Finn Greenquill, gave the world this book.

The Thrifty Guide to Ancient Greece comes with a money-back guarantee: we can almost guarantee youll want your money back. Ancient Greece is filled with savage pirates, brutal mercenaries, and constant warfare. If this sounds like too much for you, you may want to purchase The Thrifty Guide to Not Being a Total Wimp. If this is still not to your liking, you are welcome to purchase The Thrifty Guide to Getting a Refund, which sells for twice the cost of this book.

I hope all you time travelers enjoy ancient Greece as much as I enjoy cashing your checks. As always, your purchase of this guidebook will support several worthy causes: the Finn Greenquill Vacation Fund, cause I want to go on vacation, and the Finn Greenquill Space Yacht Fund, cause I want a bigger space yacht. If youre wondering why these causes are important, its cause I deserve them.

Your trustworthy friend,

Finn Greenquill

Finn Greenquill

CEO and Corporate Overlord, Time Corp

TIME CORP LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

By reading this time travel guide, you agree to and accept the following:

1. Cell phone service in ancient Greece is spotty at best. Roaming charges may be expensive. If you dont pay your cell phone bill until you return home, you may find you owe 2,600 years of late fees.

2. King Leonidas of Sparta, general of the deadliest fighting force in history, does not want to take a selfie with you.

3. Aeschylus, the father of theater, totally does. His last play tanked, and he could use the publicity.

4. Plato is the father of modern philosophy. Play-Doh is modeling clay for kids. Confuse the two at your own risk. Anyone who pokes and prods Plato is likely to get slapped.

5. Hippocrates, the father of modern medicine, will not see you without an appointment.

6. Going back in time to kidnap Euclid, the father of geometry, will not get you out of doing geometry homework.

7. Sam Greenquill, the father of Finn Greenquill, does not want Finn staying out past ten oclock on weeknights.

8. If you discover the lost city of Atlantis, please put it back where you found it.

FINN GREENQUILLS LUXURY YACHT

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

THE BASICS OF TIME TRAVEL

The good news is, you dont have to be a rocket scientist to understand time travel. The bad news is, you do need to be a quantum physicist.

Quantum physics is so mind-bendingly complicated, it will make you want to travel through time just to kick a quantum physicist in the kneecap.

Since quantum physicists make up only .0001 percent of our customer base, we here at Time Corp are just going to stick to the basics. Over the next few pages, we will cover the bare minimum you need to know to time travel...

1. Your Time Machine

Who says you cant enjoy style and luxury while blending into ancient Greece? The Time Corp Time Machine Charioteer features a glossy all-wood interior, a glossy all-wood exterior, and a stereo to blast heavy metal while you ride into battle. This sporty coupe features an open top and an open back; you may think this leaves you vulnerable to enemy spears and arrows, but just imagine what it will do for your tan.