Penelope Leach - When Parents Part: How Mothers and Fathers Can Help Their Children Deal with Separation and Divorce
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- Book:When Parents Part: How Mothers and Fathers Can Help Their Children Deal with Separation and Divorce
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When Parents Part: How Mothers and Fathers Can Help Their Children Deal with Separation and Divorce: summary, description and annotation
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Recent research clarifies why parentsfathers as much as mothersare so crucial to children of all ages and how their separation can turn childrens lives upside down. Drawing on the latest scientific findings, as well as on her many years of professional and personal work with children, Penelope Leach describes how parents can minimize the impact of separation and divorce on children through the six stages of a childs life, from infancy to adulthood. She helps parents find ways to continue being fathers and mothers when they are no longer husbands and wives. She explains recent studies that overturn numerous common assumptions, revealing, for example, that many standard custody arrangements can undermine young childrens attachment to parents and in the case of infants even negatively affect their brain development; that unless infants and toddlers are already closely attached to both parents, regular overnights with the noncustodial parent may be damaging; and that dividing a childs time equally between the parents may be fair to them but seldom is best for the child. And, throughout, Leach grounds her approach with anecdotal evidence presented in the voices of children and parents themselves.
Leachs child-centered advice, profoundly thoughtful and thorough, tackles the issues from every angleemotional, scientific, psychological, practical, legalcovering everything from access, custody, and financial considerations to managing separate sets of technology in two houses. Above all she is insistent that for the sake of their future development, the needs of children must be put first. She is persuasively clear that mutual parenting, while seldom easy, is the best way forward for both the parents and the children.
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THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK
PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF
Copyright 2014, 2015 by Penelope Leach
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York, and distributed in Canada by Random House of Canada, a division of Penguin Random House Ltd., Toronto. Originally published in Great Britain in different form under the title Family Breakdown: Helping Children Hang on to Both Their Parents by Unbound, London, in 2014.
www.aaknopf.com
Knopf, Borzoi Books, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
Leach, Penelope.
[Family breakdown]
When parents part : how mothers and fathers can help their children deal with separation and divorce / Penelope Leach.
pages cm
Originally published in Great Britain in 2014 as: Family breakdown : helping children hang on to both their parents.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-1-101-87404-2 (hardcover); ISBN 978-1-101-87405-9 (eBook)
1. Divorce. 2. Children of divorced parents. 3. Parenting. I. Title.
ho814.L425 2015
306.89dc23 2015009350
Cover design by Janet Hansen
Book design by Cassandra J. Pappas
v3.1_r1
My thanks to all the children, young people, and adults
who have talked to me about their parents parting.
They talked because they wanted children to be heard.
We are listening.
What Makes a Difference to Children?
In the United States (and indeed across most of the Western world) family breakdown is at epidemic levels in every part of society. If divorce, especially divorce involving children, was a physical disease, it would undoubtedly attract government funding for emergency research to develop a vaccine and provide a mass immunization and treatment program. But accustomed as we are to ignoring parental separation and taking divorces for granted, comparison with a national medical emergency sounds almost fanciful. It is not so, though. Family breakdown is the elephant in the room in more than half the homes in the United States, and its time we paid it attention.
If you are separating, divorcing, or seriously considering doing so, youre not alone; youre not even in a minority. So many parents separate, whether from formal marriages, from civil partnerships, or from cohabitation, that in the English-speaking world today only about half of all children celebrate their sixteenth birthdays with their biological parents still living together.
Tradition has it that marriage should last until death do us part, but in the modern Western world, where an average lifetime exceeds seventy years, its often divorce rather than death that ends marriages. According to the National Center for Health Statistics Reports, between 2006 and 2010 the probability of a first marriage in the United States lasting at least ten years was 68 percent for women and 70 percent for men. The probability of a first marriage surviving to twenty years was 52 percent for women and 56 percent for men. The state with the highest reported divorce rate was Nevada (6.4 per 1,000) and the lowest was the District of Columbia (1.7 per 1,000), closely followed by Massachusetts and Pennsylvania (2.2 and 2.5 per 1,000).
DIVORCE STATISTICS
In 2012 widely accepted estimates put the lifelong probability of a U.S. marriage ending in divorce at 4050 percent.
In 2002 (the latest survey data available) the percentages of married individuals who reached their fifth, tenth, and fifteenth anniversaries were 82 percent, 65 percent, and 52 percent, respectively.
The longer a marriage lasts, the less the likelihood of it ending in divorce and the greater the probability of it being ended by death.
The percentages of married individuals reaching their twenty-fifth, thirty-fifth, and fiftieth anniversaries were 33 percent, 20 percent, and 5 percent, respectively.
Analyses and predictions are complex because many factors affect them:
Previous marriage: individuals who have not been married before are less likely to divorce.
Higher education and age at marriage also correspond to longer-lasting marriages. For example, of college graduates marrying in the 1980s, 81 percent of those who wed when over twenty-six years of age were still married twenty years later, whereas only 65 percent of those who married under the age of twenty-six were still married twenty years later. In 2009, 2.9 percent of adults aged thirty-five to thirty-nine without a college degree were divorced compared with only 1.6 percent of adults in the same age range who had a college education.
Wealth and sexual satisfaction have been shown to correlate negatively with divorce rates in the United States. Richer and more sexually satisfied individuals are less likely to divorce.
A 2008 study on behalf of the Education Resources Information Center showed higher divorce rates among interracial than for same-race couples. Marriages between white females and nonwhite males were the most vulnerable.
Divorce is less likely if couples share a religious faith. In a 1993 study in the United States, couples who were each members of two mainline Protestant religions had a 20 percent chance of being divorced in five years, whereas a couple consisting of a Catholic and an Evangelical individual had a 33 percent chance, and a couple in which one partner was Jewish and the other was Christian had a 40 percent chance. By 2001, marriages between people who regularly attended a religious service of any faith and those who attended infrequently were three times more likely to end in divorce.
In 2013 The Huffington Post analyzed and published the results of a range of contemporary divorce-related studies:
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