Jessica Burde - Polyamory and Pregnancy: The Polyamory on Purpose Guides, #1

Polyamory and Pregnancy

by Jessica Burde

#1 in the Polyamory on Purpose Guide series

The Polyamory on Purpose Guide to Pregnancy

By Jessica Burde

Copyright 2013 Jessica Burde

All rights reserved. No part of this e-book may be reproduced in any form other than that in which it was purchased and without the written permission of the author.

This e-book is licensed for your personal use. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If youre reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.

www.polyamoryonpurpose.com

For Dr. Lloyd Ross

Doc, nearly a decade ago, I swore that my first book would be dedicated to you. This isnt the book I was thinking of writing, but the dedication is the same.

For my sanity and my future, thank you always.

Acknowledgments

Several people have played pivotal roles in making this book a reality, and I want to take this opportunity to thank them for everything they have done.

First and foremost, I have to thank Alan, of Polyamory in the News , who stepped forward to edit the verbose monstrosity of my first draft, simply because he believed in what I was doing. I can safely say that the book you are about to read would be poorer without his contributions.

Thanks also go to Alexis, John S. Ullman, and Dr Christine Campbell my beta readers who shared their thoughts and suggestions on my first draft. Alexis was especially helpful in making this book accessible to an international audience and the trans and queer communities.

The IndieGoGo contributors who helped make this book a reality deserve special thanks as well:

Fred Brown

Amy of Poly Family Support

and others who choose to remain anonymous.

I need to give a shout-out to Tristan Taormino, whose support of my IndieGoGo campaign, and this book, came at a desperately needed time. Im told every new author hits a point of wondering Why am I torturing myself this way? Tristans blog about this book, coming at a time when I was debating the wisdom of forging ahead, gave me a much-needed kick in the ass.

Thanks go to The Polyamorous Misanthrope as well, for her help in promoting the IndieGoGo campgain.

Lastly, I need to mention my poly-partners, past and present. This book would not have been possible without the trials we went through together. I am sorry for all the ways we hurt each other. I celebrate the joys we shared. Wherever you are now, I wish you health, happiness and hope.

Foreword

Hey, thanks for joining me. This is going to be the first in a series of guide books on the intersection of polyamory and real life. The series is based on topics Ive covered at my blog, Polyamory on Purpose, but will go into more detail and depth.

I chose pregnancy for the first topic in this series for several reasons. First, the pregnancy-related posts on my blog are hands-down the most popular. Obviously, there is plenty of interest!

And there damn well should be. My second reason is that I firmly believe every poly person needs to at least think about pregnancy and how it will impact their relationships. Far too many people seem to ignore the possibility until a pregnancy happens, and then its a major crisis. Around 50% of the pregnancies in the US are still unexpected and unplanned. So please, please, please dont try to tell me that you dont need to worry about pregnancy because you are on the pill, or had your tubes tied, or always use a condom. Even if medical science invents an idiot-proof contraceptive (not happening anytime soon) they will never invent a Murphy-proof one.

The last reason I am starting with a book about pregnancy is because it is a topic I am extremely familiar with. I have had five pregnancies: three full-term births and two miscarriages. Four were while I was in polyamorous relationships.

It was during my second pregnancy (my first ended in an early miscarriage) that I came out to my family and friends as poly.

I couldnt stand the idea of my childs father not being acknowledged by my family of origin, and I didnt know who the father actually was, because at the time I was in a triad with two men. Ironically, because of the way I came out as poly and my familys reaction to it, these days Im not even sure Id tell them if I were pregnant. But telling them was still the right thing to do at the time.

This is not intended as a comprehensive guide to either pregnancy or polyamory. Many good books have been written on both subjects, and you can find my lists of recommended reading at the end of this one.

Instead, this book focuses on the issues and decision points that are unique to polyamorous people and polyamorous families dealing with a pregnancy. I have never seen any in depth coverage of this topic, and it is very special to me.

If you have comments, concerns, stories to share or additional topics to raise, please send them to me: jessicaburde@gmail.com. I may include them in future editions of this book.

Introduction

What This Book is About

Polyamory makes pregnancy , like so much else, complicated. From the planning to the delivery room, poly folk face questions, decisions, restrictions and uncertainties that don't come up for monogamous folk. From figuring out who will be (or is) the father to negotiating the hospital rules (No more than two people in the delivery room is common in the US, though not universal), each step will throw surprises your way.

Is pregnancy really that much more difficult in a poly relationship? Honestly, I dont think so. The thing is, we know the process of getting through pregnancy in a monogamous relationship. There are hundreds of websites, birth classes, and role models to help with the things monogamous folk have questions about. The procedures in place are designed around monogamy, and instructions guide monogamous parents-to-be through each step of the process.

Polyamory doesn't actually make a pregnancy more difficult. Poly folk just dont have those resources to call on when dealing with questions and situations unique to polyamory. Which is a large part of why I'm writing this book.

Here you will find an in-depth look at the way pregnancy will impact a polyamorous relationship, and the way polyamory will impact a pregnancy, from pre-conception through the post-delivery paperwork. Well look at:

Unexpected pregnancies

Deciding to have a child together

How pregnancy will impact the relationship(s) you are part of

Finding (or educating) a poly-friendly obstetrician or midwife

Delivery options

And much more

Whether you are planning ahead for the children you want to have, or are anticipating a new (and tiny) family member in the next few months, youll find something here for you.

Notes on Terminology

The variety of polyamorous relationship styles is amazing. I could write an entire book on the many ways poly folk structure (or un-structure) their relationships. I don't have room, in a book on pregnancy, to go into exhaustive detail on the possibilities. For simplicity, I am going to focus on three broad relationship set ups:

Group relationships (triads, quads, tribes, clans, etc)

The p rimary/secondary model (a couple living together and having outside relationships)

Network poly (a single person in several relationships)

Obviously these categories do not reflect the entire reality of polyamory. Do all secondary partners live apart from the primary couple? No. Do all networking poly folk identify as single or live alone? No. Am I trying to exclude anyone or suggest that these are the only legitimate poly set-ups? Hell no! I am trying to keep this book to a reasonable length, while giving you all the information you need.