Hardy Janet W. - More than two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory

M ore Than Two

MORE THAN TWO

A practical guide to ethical polyamory

franklin veaux

eve rickert

foreword by janet w. hardy

MORE THAN TWO

A practical guide to ethical polyamory

Copyright 2014 by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.

e-book edition v1.2

Thorntree Press, LLC

PO Box 301231

Portland, OR 97294

press@thorntreepress.com

Cover illustration by Paul Mendoza

Interior illustrations by Tatiana Gill

Cover design by Vanessa Rossi

e-book design by Tatiana Gill

Substantive editing by Alan M. MacRobert

Copy-editing by Naomi Pauls, Paper Trail Publishing

Proofreading by Roma Ilnyckyj

Publisher's Cataloging-In-Publication Data

(Prepared by The Donohue Group, Inc.)

Veaux, Franklin.

More than two : a practical guide to ethical polyamory / Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert ; foreword by Janet W. Hardy.

1 electronic resource : illustrations

Issued also in print.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN: 978-0-9913997-2-7 (ebook)

1. Non-monogamous relationships. 2. Sexual ethics. 3. Intimacy (Psychology) 4. Electronic books. I. Rickert, Eve. II. Hardy, Janet W. III. Title.

HQ980 .V43 2014eb

306.84/23

To R.

Love is the extremely difficult realisation that something other than oneself is real.

iris murdoch

Contents

Foreword by Janet W. Hardy

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part 1: What is polyamory?

1 Starting the journey

2 The many forms of love

3 Ethical polyamory

Part 2: A poly toolkit

4 Tending your self

5 Nurturing your relationships

6 Communication pitfalls

7 Communication strategies

8 Taming the green-eyed monster

Part 3: Poly frameworks

9 Boundaries

10 Rules and agreements

11 Hierarchy and primary/secondary poly

12 Veto arrangements

13 Empowered relationships

14 Practical poly agreements

Part 4: The poly reality

15 How poly relationships are different

16 In the middle

17 Opening from a couple

18 Mono/poly relationships

19 Sex and laundry

20 Sexual health

21 Poly puzzles

22 Relationship transitions

Part 5: The poly ecosystem

23 Your partners' other partners

24 Finding partners

25 The rest of the world

Last words: Love more, be awesome

Glossary

Notes

Resources

Index

Our supporters

Foreword

It was around twenty years ago that my co-author Dossie Easton and I spoke to a roomful of Mensa members about what was then generally called S/M. We'd already written and published The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book, and taught a bunch of workshops and done a bunch of public scenes, so we were used to being outrageous in front of audiences. We had fun.

But afterward, a friend told me about a conversation she'd overheard. "Did you hear about that S and M presentation this afternoon?" she mimicked, in a voice high-pitched with shock. "There were these two women giving itand they were talking about stuff they'd done together and one of their boyfriends was right in the room! "

That's how unaware the world was of polyamory, and other monogamy alternatives, back then. And that's when we knew we needed to write a book about poly. The first edition of The Ethical Slut was published in 1997, and we were both pretty startled by the virulent reaction it gotfar more virulent, much to our surprise, than we'd gotten for our BDSM titles. As we made the circuit of morning-drive radio shows and local-access cable television, we heard from the woman who said she'd "go upside his head with a frying pan" if her husband ever dared propose such a thing. Another woman told us we were the cause of the decline of Western civilization, and that our book should be banned, and we should be tied up and whipped. (We were able to restrain our giggles until the commercial break.)

When you're writing in a context like that, most of your job has to do with gently prying open your reader's mind, casting a bit of light on unexamined prejudices and making space for new ways of thinking. Even if we'd wanted to suggest some practical guidelines for how to make poly relationships work better, we had a relatively small database of experience and wisdom to work frombasically our own lives, and those of our circle of queerish, kinkyish, San Francisco-ish friends, whose needs and circumstances were quite different from those of the average American reader. So we stuck, for the most part, to first principles, and left the nuts and bolts for other writers.

We had no idea, way back then, that we and our little book were about to climb a gigantic wave of interest in polyamorous lifestyles. Slut has outsold all our other books put together, by a handy margin. It went on, a decade and a half later, into a larger, more slickly published edition from a major publisher, with exercises and practical information in addition to the basic principles.

But we're still only two writers, with our own backgrounds and prejudices. We're proud to have helped create a world, the world of polyamory, that's big enough and various enough to need different opinions, ideas and approaches from ours.

I've traveled the world teaching Ethical Slut workshops. When I ask my attendees about the biggest problem they've encountered doing polyamory, they've usually responded by naming something to do with logistics (time, space, attention) or something to do with jealousy. And these are indeed thorny issuesbut I'd argue that they're really symptoms of a deeper problem. Imagine that you're a monogamous person, having the kinds of relationship problems that monogamous people have: jealousy (yes, they feel it too), boredom, "bed death," whatever. What do you do? You call a therapist, you ask your friends, you watch Dr. Phil, you go to the bookstore and pick one of the dozens of titles aimed at teaching monogamous people how to be better at monogamy.

But if you're a poly person? Where do we poly people get our answers? If we're lucky, we may live in a major city and be Internet-savvy and know the word polyamory so that we know what term to search on and have life circumstances that enable us to go to a poly munch or meetup. For the rest of the world, though, there are websites and books. And not nearly enough of either.

Many people, sad to say, attempt polyamory without knowing anyone who has done it successfully and is willing to talk about it in public. Many have little or no access to the small but growing body of wisdom that successful polyamorists have accumulated and shared. Which is why it's past time for More Than Two.

I've e-known (if that's the word for someone you know on the Internet but have never met) Franklin Veaux for a long time now; his co-author Eve is new to me. They are both experienced and articulate polyamoristsFranklin's poly website xeromag.com (now morethantwo.com) dates back to 1997, the same year that the first edition of Slut was published.

I am pleased to say that I disagree with Franklin and Eve on a few points (if you want to know which, you'll have to read both of our books). But, honestly, I'd be worried if I didn't. There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it, and beyond the basics of disclosure and consent, there's no "right" or "wrong" waythere are only things that have worked for some people and other things that haven't worked for others. Monogamous people get to decide whether to listen to advice from Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura or any of the other relationship "doctors" that fill our radio waves and TV screens; poly people should have the same opportunities to listen to different advice and make their own choices.