Kate Konopicky - 100 Things I Hate about Pregnancy: What Youll Detest When Youre Expecting

WHAT YOULL DETEST WHEN YOURE EXPECTING

by Kate Konopicky

Copyright 2006 by Kate Konopicky
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First published in the United Kingdom in 2005 by Vermilion, one of the publishers in The Random House Group, Ltd.

ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-0714-3

ISBN-10: 1-4022-0714-X

Printed and bound in the United States of America

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You have your suspicions. Hopes, even, not to say fears. No point in putting it off any longer. Its best to know one way or another. Should you buy a kit or get a professional opinion? Whichever method you choose, its going to be unavoidably toilet-based. Youd think in this day and age that youd be able to tell if a woman was pregnant by a simple saliva swab, or maybe by just looking deep into her eyes. But no, at some stage, pee is going to be involved.

So I trotted off to the doctor with a full bladder. I then spent twenty-four hours twiddling my thumbs and trying not to think of what lay ahead. When the time came to make the phone call, I dawdled for at least an hour. No harm in putting it off for a bit longer. The answer to my question was going to be a little more important than the response to Have I got the job? Did I pass the exam? or Is that goal going to be allowed? Whatever the doctor said might change my life forever, and I had to have my reaction ready. I practiced phrases of joy and resignation before eventually dialing the number. The call itself was deeply disappointing. Yes, its positive. Oh, thank you. Click.

Hang on, youve just given me the most important news of my life. Shouldnt we talk about this? I dont think my Oh, thank you conveyed the right amount of elation tinged with anxiety. Perhaps I should call back and explain. She sounded rather matter-of-fact andif Im honestbored. Shouldnt there have been trumpets sounding and bells ringing? Game-show-type whooping and applause? Apparently not. I was forced to admit that the messenger couldnt care less whether I was pregnant or not. It wasnt to be the last time that my interesting condition proved to be of no interest whatsoever to other people. Damn.

The highest possible screening sensitivity of a home pregnancy test by one week after the first day of the missed period is 97 percent.

www.fertilityplus.org

(JAMA, October 2001)

You cant help it. Once the reality of pregnancy has sunk in, you start doing backward calculations. Was it that night of passion in a Holiday Inn? Had we started a baby because we were consumed with emotion, or because we had consumed too much cheap red wine? It would have been nice if conception had occurred under a starry Italian sky with the strains of Verdi in the background. Then we could have called the baby Firenze or Roma, instead of Peoria. But we foolishly neglected to leave the country before having sex, so we dont have any romantic stories to embarrass the child with in later years. Oh, hang on, I know when it must have been, because I remember the following week, having creosoted the fence and cleaned out the cat litter tray, I had that marvelous meal of steak tartare and unpasteurized cheese, washed down with about three pints of vodka. I had to take several Percocet the next day. Oh God, what have I done?

Pregnant women need more of almost every vitamin and mineral than women who are not pregnant. Most of these increased nutrient requirements can be met through a carefully planned, nutritious diet. But it is highly unlikely that most women can eat enough foods high in iron and folic acid to meet current recommendations.

www.surebaby.com/vitamins.php

Having just been presented with the greatest news of your life, for some reason your immediate reaction is not to tell anybody. So, while waiting for medical confirmation, the first scan, reassurance that I hadnt accidentally ingested a fizzing cocktail of baby-killing parasites Id never even heard of before, I walked around with a gigantic sense of responsibility and nobody except my partner to share it with. The temptation to drop arch hints was sometimes overwhelming. And because nobody knows, nobody cares. Nobody treats you as anything special. People are all solicitude for great whales of women, but because youve only got a little cluster of cells and a flat(ish) stomach, youre not part of the sisterhood yet. You are therefore fair game for elbowing commuters, unreasonable overtime demands, and requests for helpusually with shifting heavy furniture, operating X-ray machines, or removing asbestos.

Not wanting to look pathetic or give the game away, you try to behave as normally as possible while bubbling over with untold tidings. Its just not fair. Plus the fact that while your closest family is still unaware of your condition, complete strangers might be privy to your secret.

The guy at the drug store, for example, knows damn well why I have a prescription for folic acid tablets; the dental hygienist needs to be told; and even the woman in the bookshop is wondering whether I am buying Baby and Childcare for myself or a friend, but is, I trust, too polite to ask. It was just the first in a nine-month-long series of well just get this stage over with phases.

Once you have seen a fetal heartbeat, the risk [of miscarriage] lowers to 5 percent. If you are not having any vaginal bleeding or cramps, you probably will not miscarry.

http://experts.about.com

Having kept it to yourself for a decent interval, you then have to announce your fecundity to friends and family before it becomes only too obvious to the general public. What should be a joyous outpouring of family togetherness is, of course, a minefield of potential argument as you realize that such important news has to be imparted in strict hierarchical order. Family before friends and all friends in quick succession so that nobody gets miffed because they were only the third to know.

I wish Id been able to book a conference call. But I settled down with the receiver and started dialing. After a couple of embarrassing failures, I decided that the direct way was the best. My father-in-law reacted to a rather coy Youre going to be a grandfather with a puzzled How come? (If you dont know by now, the presence of your son needs some explaining.)

My side of the family wasnt much better. They had spent years replying to my chirpy Ive got some news! with a breathless Youre pregnant! only to be disappointed by me replying, Er, no, I was going to say weve got a new fridge/the cat died/my rash has cleared up. Bored with my barrenness, this time they refused to rise to the bait. No good pussyfooting around with Guess what! only to get the suspicious reaction: Youre not going to tell me about your rash again, are you? The only way was short and to the point: Hello, Im pregnant then I had to whip the receiver away to arms length before mother/sister/best friend attempted to shatter it and my eardrum with a shrill whoop. Couldnt we have just hired a sky-writer?