Kate White - Your Guide to Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss: Hope and Healing When Youre No Longer Expecting

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2021 Kate White

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ISBN 978-1-893005-74-7

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021939040

For Samantha

You pee on a stick, you put it on the bathroom counter and you wait.

And you wait.

Those two minutes seem to take forever.

Then finally, you see two lines. And just like that, youre pregnant. You may have waited a long time for this day, or it might have been a surprise. Either way, you know your life is about to change.

Then suddenly, youre no longer pregnant. You may realize when your pregnancy ends. You may start bleeding or have cramping so bad that you know its not normal. You may suddenly stop feeling nauseous and tired. Or you may have no idea until you see the concerned look on the ultrasound technicians face after scanning you for a very long time without saying anything.

When youre happy to be pregnant, you dont like to think about the possibility that it might not work out. Everything will be fine, you tell yourself. Im healthy. Or, We tried for this for so long. Or, Things have been going well for months now. Or, Everyone in my family has healthy pregnancies, so why wouldnt I?

Miscarriages, especially early pregnancy losses, are much more common than most people realize. Years ago, it wasnt unusual for people to miscarry without ever knowing they were pregnant. The miscarriage would pass with the person blissfully unaware in what appeared to be a period, albeit one that was a couple of weeks late. Today, the availability of sensitive home pregnancy tests means that people find out earlier than ever that theyre pregnant. And that means that more people than ever know exactly whats happened when they have a late and heavy period, experience out-of-the blue pelvic cramping, or are no longer nauseous or tired.

However, people rarely talk about their pregnancy losses, so you probably dont know that many people in your life have had miscarriages. Chances are that someone in your family has had one that theyve never discussed. Multiple people in your social media feed have probably had more than one. No one is immune from the possibility of pregnancy loss, not even your OB-GYN.

I know because it happened to me.

The fact that miscarriage is common makes it no less painful because its not common for you. When you lose a pregnancy, you lose more than a baby. You lose your hope for an entire possible future that had sprung into being. It doesnt matter if your miscarriage occurred at six weeks or six months or even later. For many people, its a crushing disappointment thats felt physically, mentally and emotionally. And the recovery from a pregnancy loss can last longer than the pregnancy itself.

As a gynecologist who specializes in family planning, Ive been taking care of women and people who can become pregnant for over 20 years, and the surprises and sorrow of miscarriages leave patients as full of questions as they are of emotion. Even though these appointments last an hour, I know its often not enough time to talk through everything on my patients minds. I wrote this book to continue that conversation to cover all the information people might seek when experiencing a miscarriage, plus the information they will need later but didnt know to ask their doctors for.

Its time we talk about miscarriage. In the United States, this taboo against talking about pregnancy loss has gone on for way too long, as if uttering the word miscarriage could cause one to happen. The reluctance to talk about the experience and share our stories has led to too much unnecessary suffering, isolation and misunderstanding.

Maybe youre facing a miscarriage right now and trying to sort through your options. You might have had a loss in the past and arent sure what exactly happened or why. Perhaps you didnt have any questions at the time of your miscarriage you just wanted it to be over but concerns and questions have bubbled up since. Maybe you got this book from someone who cares about you and wants to help but doesnt know what to say.

You may be facing a miscarriage of a pregnancy youre not carrying. Perhaps your surrogate or the birth parent is the one experiencing the physical loss of the pregnancy. This loss is yours as well, but youre not getting assistance from the doctors, and you may be uncertain about how to process your grief.

Or maybe youre not facing a miscarriage. Perhaps miscarriage runs in your family and you want to be prepared. Or your doctor has said you have a medical condition that increases your risk of pregnancy loss. Maybe your best friend or a sibling has experienced miscarriage and you want to be able to help.

In the chapters to come, I talk about the reasons why a miscarriage may have occurred and explore why sometimes the answer is just not knowable. I emphasize the things that dont cause a miscarriage ... and why no one should ever feel guilty about having one. And I discuss how doctors* figure out for sure that a pregnancy is over, because no one ever wants to make a mistake with a diagnosis like this.

I also discuss treatment. You may be surprised to learn that you have options, and in many cases, you get to make the choice about what happens next. I discuss the timeline of a miscarriage how long you can expect it to take and how youll feel at various points throughout it.

I talk about the special circumstances around some miscarriages. Most people having a miscarriage are in the first trimester of pregnancy, but some face losses that are much more medically complex.

Finally, I talk about the aftermath of a miscarriage. I discuss what a typical recovery looks like and when you should follow up with your health care provider. I also help you learn what a miscarriage means for your body, for your heart and for your attempts at trying to get pregnant in the future.