Pam Vredevelt - Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy

Pam captures the heart of what women experience when losing a baby. Her willingness to share her story is an inspiration! The practical advice and wisdom found in Empty Arms is second to none.

D R . G ARY S MALLEY , family counselor and best-selling author with appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show, Larry King Live, Extra, and the Today Show

Where do you turn when you suffer the deep and very personal loss of a baby? Empty Arms offers tender words of hope and wisdom for those in grief. Pam Vredevelts keen insight into the physical, emotional, and spiritual impact of losing a baby brings peace and comfort to broken hearts. After four miscarriages, I seriously wondered if Id ever not be sad. I wish I had known about Empty Arms. I highly recommend this book!

L ISA J ACOBSON , award-winning author and founder of the Club31Women blog

Healing from a miscarriage or stillbirth is a complicated process. Having walked that road with several close friends, I know how essential Pams counsel is. Both from personal and professional experience, she has been beautifully equipped to help the process of healingphysically, spiritually, and emotionally. Girded with biblical truth, this book will resonate with and help many, many readers.

S HAUNTI F ELDHAHN , social researcher and best-selling author of For Women Only

Pams ability to relate with women suffering the trauma of pregnancy loss, and to guide them through the healing process, is amazing! The best people to help us heal are always those who fully understand and empathize with our hurt.

M ICHAEL S MALLEY , best-selling author and CEO of the Smalley Institute

E MPTY A RMS

P UBLISHED BY M ULTNOMAH B OOKS

12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200

Colorado Springs, CO 80921

Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible: New International Version, copyright 1978 by the New York International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Trade Paperback ISBN9781576738511

eBook ISBN9780307565341

Copyright 1984, 1994 by Pam Vredevelt

Cover design by Kelly L. Howard

Cover photography by Irene Lamprakou / Trevillion Images

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

M ULTNOMAH and its mountain colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

L IBRARY OF C ONGRESS C ATALOGING - IN -P UBLICATION D ATA

Vredevelt, Pam W., 1955

Empty arms.

Bibliography: p.

1. MiscarriagePsychological aspects. 2. StillbirthPsychological aspects. 3. BereavementPsychologicalaspects. 4. Christian life I. Title.

RG648.V74 1984 155.937 84-2049

ISBN0-8070-810-7 (pbk.)

v4.1_r3

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Please Read This First

T hirty years have passed since the loss of our first child and the first edition of this book. Our lives have changed dramatically. John and I have been richly blessed with three beautiful children. Much to our astonishment our youngest son, Nathan, was born with Down syndrome. This special little boy took us on a new path, deeper into love. Then sixteen years later, following a tragic accident, our special son left us for heaven. While the grief over his absence is beyond words, Im continually amazed by the incredible mark Nathan continues to leave in this world. The angels he sawthe people he impactedthe lives he changedthe stories go on and on. (If you want to read some well-documented mind-blowing stories of God encounters experienced by children with special needs, pick up Angel Behind the Rocking Chair: Stories of Hope in Unexpected Places.)

Since Empty Arms was first published, I have been flooded with letters from women across the country who courageously tell me their stories and give me the privilege of praying for them. Ive laughed and cried through the letters, feeling as if we share some of the deepest parts of who we were with one another. These memories I treasure.

Most of the letters come from women who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, but there are also those that arrive from women who have survived a tubal pregnancy or the death of an infant. They, too, experience great heartache, and some have even had a close brush with death. Many asked if I knew of any helpful resources about tubal pregnancy. Their need sparked the idea for a revised edition of Empty Arms that addressed the specific concerns of these womens heartache, and so this book has a chapter on tubal or ectopic pregnancy. Ive updated information, written a new epilogue, and added a chapter about letting go of our disappointments and pain.

It is my prayer that God will use the chapters ahead to answer your questions and comfort your heart. If it were humanly possible, I would personally deliver Empty Arms to you so that I could be with you in your pain.

Ill likely meet only a small handful of those who read this book, but please, if we ever bump into each other, either here or on the other side of time, lets exchange a hug or two and boast of Gods faithfulness as we courageously braved our way along this path called life. Until thenlets keep our faces turned toward the Son.

Warmly,

Pam Vredevelt, 2015

Chapter One

The Shocking News

I m not picking up a heartbeat, Pam. There doesnt appear to be any fetal movement. I think the baby is dead.

In disbelief my emotions began to run wild and unchecked. Engulfed in a jumble of scrambled thoughts I wanted desperately to hear the doctor say, Wait a minuteIm wrong. Ive made a mistake. Now I see the heartbeat. Those words never came.

During the next half hour in that little examining room, my life was a blur. Everything was out of focus. I hated my humanness. Why cant I change this and make things different? I thought. Somehow I wanted to say a few words and magically raise our baby from the dead.

Nothing made sense. Angry questions darted back and forth in my mind. Why is this happening to me? To John? Its not fair! Thousands have abortions, but we want this childwhy are we the ones to get ripped off? I hate this!

The tears poured out. I sobbed long and hard, trying my best to listen to the doctor. He painted a picture of what might have happened: Based on the measurements on the ultrasound screen, I can see that the baby is fully formed according to schedule, and most likely died just a few days ago. Its possible that the umbilical cord wrapped itself around the babys neck. Or perhaps part of the placenta detached itself from the uterine wall. More information will be gleaned from pathology tests.

The doctors words were overshadowed by my own thoughts: I cant believe this is happening!