Ann Douglas - Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss

Trying Again

Trying Again

A Guide to Pregnancy
After Miscarriage,
Stillbirth, and
Infant Loss

Ann Douglas and
John R. Sussman, M.D.

Copyright 2000 by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D.

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any meansincluding photocopying and electronic reproductionwithout written permission from the publisher.

Published by Taylor Trade Publishing

An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200

Lanham, Maryland 20706

Distributed by National Book Network

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Douglas, Ann, 1963

Trying again : a guide to pregnancy after miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss / Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN: 978-0-87833-182-6

1. Miscarriage. 2. Stillbirth. 3. Infants (Newborn)Mortality. 4. Pregnancy. 5. Loss (Psychology). I. Sussman, John R. II. Title.

RG631 .D69 2000

618.3'92dc21

00-044683

Printed in the United States of America

To Ian, my subsequent baby,
and Laura, the baby I never
got to take home.
A.D.

To Beth and Stephen, who
tried again, and to
Marybeth and George, who
tried so hard.
J.S.

MOST EXPECTANT PARENTS assume that their pregnancy will result in the birth of a healthy baby. There probably was a time when you too thought that foresight, good judgment, living well, being a good person, or religious faith would protect you. Then, when your baby(s) died, those safe assumptions were shattered. You come face to face with the fact that you cant always avoid tragedy. Your beliefs about pregnancy and birth, life and death, fate and justice all come into question. You start to realize that there are no answers to Why me? Why my baby? Your grief includes painful feelings of anger, guilt, failure, and powerlessness. You begin to understand that life is unfair and you are always vulnerable to tragedy.

As a result, when you embark on another pregnancy, it is normal for fear to color every aspect. You may feel uneasy because you know that even if you do all the right things, there are no guarantees. You may wish you could relax, but you cant forget what happened before. You may even feel certain that youre unable to have a baby who can survive. While intellectually you may know that the odds are in your favor, it can be difficult to convince yourself emotionally.

To get through this pregnancy, stay open to all your feelings. While pessimism and anxiety can be overwhelming, also embrace any optimism and confidence you feel, however fleeting. Optimism does not make bad things happen, and in fact, it can help you cope with your anxieties and your grief.

Make wishes for the new life that stirs within you. Let yourself feel close to this new baby. Collect mementos and memories, as they would offer great comfort in any case. You may believe that your detachment will keep you from getting your hopes up and shield you from having to deal with another tragedy, but this is only an illusion. As you well know, nothing can protect you from the grief that follows the death of a baby.

Recognize the source of your anxiety, and talk or write about your fears. As you grapple with your worries, let go of the ones that arise from your imagination or past experience. You only need to listen to the worries that are based on whats actually happening now. And remember that even if you truly are high-risk, while you may be in the throes of horrific worry, your pregnancyand the babymay very well turn out just fine.

Be an informed advocate for this pregnancy. Read books, like this one you have in your hands, because the more information you have, the more empowered youll feel. This comprehensive book can arm you with knowledge, which can combat your fears and enable you to get the obstetric care you deserve.

Finally, continue to grieve for the baby(s) you miss so much. Accept that having fears is a normal part of your grief, and a natural part of a subsequent pregnancy.

You cannot recapture the innocence and blissfulness normally associated with pregnancy. But you can find a balance between anxiety and optimism. You can face your vulnerability and still reach for your dreams. So if you feel your hopes rising, let them flow. Dare to imagine the softness of a babys skin, and how full your arms will be. Caress little outfits, and enjoy your big belly. Even though you dont feel like a normal pregnant woman, you can dare to nest like one. If it gives you hope, do it. With my best wishes,

DEBORAH L. DAVIS, PH.D.

Author of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart:

Surviving the Death of Your Baby

A BOOK LIKE THIS doesnt come together without the assistance of a huge number of people.

We would like to start out by thanking the people who made this book possiblethe large number of bereaved parents who agreed to share their stories with us when we were researching this book: Christi Allard, Jacqueline Alloun, Ann Angel, Aubyn Baker, Caryl Bartholomew, Cathy Bender, Petra Heldt-Bertrand, Lori Bianco, Miriam Blake, Jennifer Blankenship, Anne Boardman, Candy Cure Booth, Michelle Brown, Nancy A. Brown, Becky Burton, April Sayers Caddy, Jennifer Callahan, Nora Callahan, Dawnette Chadwick, Debbie Charles, Caroline Clements, Rhonda Cohen, Leslie G. Collings, Tammy Conner, Pamela Contreras, Birgette Danna, Sarah Davis, Kim Dawley, Nancy DeWolf, Nancy Feidman, Cheryl Forbes, Tammie Forbes, Cyndie Forget, Lisa Frank, Kim Freeland, Phyllis Fritz, Mary Geitz, Monique Gibbons, Kathy Gomberg, Suzy Gray, Patricia Greenwald, Desirae Gregg, Sara Grimes, Molly Groome, Cindy Grubb, Carla Henoud, Marilyn Hilton, Jennifer Leigh Hucke, Cindy Hughes, Janna Imergoot, Jennifer Irizarry, Jodi Jaffray, Sheri L. Jiron, Sue Jones, Cathie Joseph, M. David Kellin, Cathy King, Julie Blair Lane, Heather Linn, Janis Louie, Lisa Lawson, Francesca Lyons, Gabriela A. Magnuson, Krystyne Mahurin, Tracey Marcyan, Gretchen McDeid, Karen Minner, Laura Moore, Jennifer Morris, Sandra Murphy, Michael Nettleton, Tracy Oak, Tammy L. Oakley, Lisa OHearn, Roberta Lee Parry, Linda Peden, Carleen Pena, Terri Geoffrey Penney, Kimberly Petry, Holly Richardson, Janann Rogillio, Bonnie Rudolph, Steve Russell, Laure Schnackenberg, Denice Schneider, Heike Sellers, Julie Simon, Renee Sorensen, Marcella Stark, Grace Stephens, Erica Taylor, Robert Thompson, Lisa Thompson-Kjesbu, Jeannie Ueno, John Vos, Nicole Vos, Pandora D. Waldron, Janet Wall, Shannon Walters, Karen Howden Weaver, Jayne Webb, Robin Elise Weiss, Laura Yaker, Janice Zimmerman, as well as those parents who preferred to remain anonymous.