David M. Engelstad - Carrying Them with Us: Living through Pregnancy or Infant Loss

My most sincere wish is that the Living with Hope series will offer comfort, wisdomand hopeto individuals facing lifes most common and intimate challenges. Books in the series tackle complex problems such as addiction, parenting, unemployment, pregnancy loss, serious illness, trauma, and grief and encourage individuals, their families, and those who care for them. The series is bound together by a common message for those who are dealing with significant issues: you are not alone. There is hope.

This series offers first-person perspectives and insights from authors who know personally what it is like to face these struggles. As companions and guides, series contributors share personal experiences, offer valuable research from trusted experts, and suggest questions to help readers process their own responses and explore possible next steps. With empathy and honesty, these accessible volumes reassure individuals they are not alone in their pain,
fear, or confusion.

The series is also a valuable resource for pastoral and spiritual care providers in faith-based settings. Parish pastors, lay ministers, chaplains, counselors, and other staff and volunteers can draw
on these volumes to offer skilled and compassionate guidance
to individuals in need of hope.

Each title in this series is offered with prayer for the readers journeyone of discovery, further challenges, and transformation. You are not alone. There is hope.

Beth Ann Gaede, Series Editor

Nurturing Hope: Christian Pastoral Care in the Twenty-First Century
(Lynne M. Baab)

Dignity and Grace: Wisdom for Caregivers and Those Living with Dementia
(Janet L. Ramsey)

Jobs Lost, Faith Found: A Spiritual Resource for the Unemployed
(Mary C. Lindberg)

They Dont Come with Instructions: Cries, Wisdom, and Hope for Parenting Children with Developmental Challenges
(Hollie M. Holt-Woehl)

True Connection: Using the NAME IT Model to Heal Relationships
(George Faller and Heather P. Wright)

Waiting for Good News: Living with Chronic and Serious Illness
(Sally L. Wilke)

Carrying Them with Us: Living through Pregnancy or Infant Loss
(David M. Engelstad and Catherine A. Malotky)

A Grief Received: What to Do When Loss Leaves You Empty-Handed
(JL Gerhardt)

When Trauma Wounds: Pathways to Healingand Hope
(Karen A. McClintock)

Addiction and Recovery: A Spiritual Pilgrimage
(Martha Postlethwaite)

If you have lost a child through miscarriage, at birth, or in early infancy, this book is for you. We have been there, and we know it is not an easy road. We hope this book will be helpful to you as you make your way from the intensity of the early days following the death of your child through the months and years that follow.

To read any book on grief takes some courage and trust. Will the authors be sensitive to your feelings and hold them gently? Will the authors take seriously the depth of your grief and not offer cheap advice, as if your grief could be easily fixed? This book has been guided by the importance of these questions and by the wisdom and promise of healing conveyed in Psalm 23, which speaks of walking through the valley of the shadow of death. This book is intended to be a companion for you on this journey.

Our walk through this valley began when our firstborn twin, Erin, died at eight weeks of age. The coroner diagnosed SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), because there was no apparent cause for her death.

On November 30, 1984, we had put both of our daughters back to sleep around 7:00 a.m. after an efficient but intense hour of feeding, changing, and comforting two babies. That morning, we hoped for one more opportunity for parental sleep before getting up for the day. We had just begun going to bed right after the supper hour, hoping to get eight hours of sleep in total, even if it came in one- to two-hour stretches. Nursing two babies every few hours through the night required both of us. Though Catherine was up first when a hungry baby cried, David wasnt far behind. As the first baby finished feeding, he got the second one up, changed her, and handed her over to be fed. Then he took over the first one and settled her to sleep while the second one nursed. He headed back to bed after the first one was down, and Catherine settled the second after she was finished nursing. Each feeding always seemed to end too close to the next wake-up call from a hungry twin.

We were exhausted and knew by eight weeks that we had to sleep more if we were going to be even halfway decent parents, so we decided that a wakeful baby would need to cry herself back to sleep once we made sure she was fed, changed, and calmed. That morning, after both babies had been fed, Erin was the wakeful one and cried heartily, but she eventually quieted, and we slept until we were awakened by a baby crying again at about 10:00 a.m.

We launched the routine: Catherine got up to nurse the crying baby, anticipating the heads-up to David to wake up the sleeping baby when it was almost time to switch them over. This time, it was Cara who woke up first. Before she got Cara up to nurse, Catherine gently touched Erins sleeping head, remembering that she had cried herself to sleep a couple of hours earlier.