Shannon Potsiadlo - Be Still My Grieving Heart: A Mothers Journey of Pregnancy Loss and Healing

Edited by Lana King

BE STILL MY GRIEVING HEART

Copyright 2020 Shannon Potsiadlo

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmit ted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please write to the publisher.

Published by BHC Press

Library of Congress Control Number:

ISBN: 978-1-64397-127-8 (Hardcover)

ISBN: 978-1-64397-128-5 (Softcover)

ISBN: 978-1-64397-129-2 (Ebook)

For information, write:

BHC Press

885 Penniman #5505

Plymouth, MI 48170

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to all the beautiful mothers

who carry grieving hearts

T he day we held and said goodbye to our baby boy was the saddest day of our lives. We had no idea the impact our baby would have on our lives and on the lives of people around us. I believe no matter how short a time a baby is on earth, he or she has a significant purpose. We are thankful that our baby chose us as parents, even though we only had him for twenty-six weeks of our pregnancy.

I believe losing a child is the hardest experience of loss. Grief is an ongoing process that constantly changes and evolves. Going through the grief process made me feel like I was on a horrible emotional roller coaster at times. If youre reading this book because you have had a miscarriage, or youve lost a baby or child, I want to express how much I understand your pain. My wish is for healing and love to come to you and your family.

When we were told that our pregnancy wasnt going as we expected, I experienced more worry than Id ever felt before. When we knew we would be saying goodbye to our son, I was filled with fear and intense sadness. I didnt know how I was supposed to grieve for the baby I wanted with all my heart and continue to take care of myself and my family. The truth is that I did survive the pain and tragedy. I am still hit by emotions when I least expect them many years later, but my heart has found comfort. The strength to push through our grief is inside all of us. During the grieving process I promised myself that I would do everything I could to find my innate strength when I needed it most. Giving up was not an option.

During the journey of losing our baby, my heart broke into a million pieces, but it was healed with more love than we had ever felt before we lost our baby. We were surrounded and supported by love during many different phases of our grief. We felt so much love for our baby in the short time he was with us, and we felt comforted in support from all the family and friends that were thinking of and praying for us. We received the most heartfelt gifts and sincere letters that brought happy and sad tears to my heart. My heart has grown in so many ways I didnt know possible.

This experience has shaken my faith in a good way. Ive always been on a curious journey to find what I believed was my spiritual or religious path, and I noticed that many grieving moms were given strength by their religion or spiritual practice. I knew I needed all the support I could get, so after losing our baby it became extremely important for me to find my path of faith. When I started meditating and praying more, it created a time for my mind to rest, and it led me to what I call heart consciousness. I feel that love is energy, and it transcends space and time; it is powerful and eternal. I have harmony in my heart knowing my son is connected to me by a frequency of love, but it doesnt take all the pain away. I still have to grieve for his physical loss during our lifetime on earth. My focus on faith has helped me sort through hard questions and fears, comforted my millions of drops of tears, and mended my heart with grace.

Love is space and time measured by the heart.

~ Marcel Proust ~

When we received the life-threatening diagnosis of our baby in the third trimester of our pregnancy, we had to process heavy emotions while continuing to maintain a routine for our daughter who was two and a half years old at the time. After receiving a sad diagnosis for our baby, we knew there was a long road ahead of us and many decisions that needed to be made. Our maternal and fetal medicine specialist was incredibly kind, compassionate, and professional. He recommended that we connect with a perinatal loss grief counselor for support. I was comforted to learn that there were counselors for this specific type of care.

When we were given contact information for a perinatal loss grief counselor that our specialist highly recommended, we didnt know what a perinatal loss grief counselor was. After learning more, we immediately knew that we could use the support and guidance offered from counseling. Perinatal counselors are specialized to support mothers and fathers who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, fatal diagnoses, or premature birth. The counselors also understand a deeper level of the journey of pain, trauma, and hope after losing a baby. Our counselor helped us through every decision we needed to make and supported us through our grief. Her expertise was a true gift for us and gave us a sense of hope that we would survive the pain of losing a baby.

Once we connected with our perinatal loss grief counselor, she became our earth angel. I like to describe the experience of having a counselor as walking on a dark trail and having someone ahead of you carrying a light to show you the way. Her support guided us through all the pain we endured while saying goodbye to our baby. We openly shared our feelings with her and cried. She helped us plan a beautiful birth to honor our baby boy and suggested ways to remember him while our hearts were healing. We are full of gratitude that we had her guidance when we needed it the most. I cant imagine how we would have survived this experience without her wisdom and support. I think she is a gift to the world because of how many families she continues to guide and support.

Once we knew that our baby wasnt healthy, I felt that I needed to express my emotions, so I created a journal to write down my feelings and thoughts whenever I needed to. There were times when I felt I was consumed by so much pain I didnt know how to release it. When I would sit down to write, it somehow relieved the pressure that was building up. Writing became part of my healing journey. I have many years of journal entries in my private blog dedicated to my baby boy. The first year I wrote often (sometimes daily), the second year probably once a week, and by the time the third year came around, I realized I was only writing on my babys birthday and holidays. Ive included many of my journal entries in this book to share an honest picture of what grieving was like for me. Writing has also been a way for me to experience how Ive healed and grown personally.

Over the past few years, my heart has been urging me to share more of my personal experience of pregnancy loss. I knew there would be a time when I was ready to be open, honest, and vulnerable enough to allow others to have a glimpse into something that is so deeply personal. One of the most important insights I received from the experience of infant loss is to listen to my heart more. Its incredible how strong the human spirit is when we are connected to our heart center. Even though this is a sad experience for me to share and for others to read, I hope it inspires others to find their own personal path to healing.