Chute - Expecting sunshine: a journey of grief, healing, and pregnancy after loss

Praise for Expecting Sunshine

Alexis Marie Chute, tasked with living as she mourns the death of her child, writes vividly and honestly about loss and grief. Expecting Sunshine records a journey that proves to be revelatory for reader and writer alike. This is a brave, memorable book.

Jane Brox, author of Brilliant: The Evolution of Artificial Light

In Expecting Sunshine, the Edmonton-based writer and artist Alexis Marie Chute writes about lossthe most primal loss we can experience, the loss of a childin such luminous prose and with such clear-eyed insight that the beauty of the text brings the reader to the edge of tears. Tears of sadness for her familys loss, yes, but more profoundly, tears of release and healing as we witness the cathartic powers of art and the scope of a young familys love. This is a beautiful, honest, important book that makes death a starting point for the continuation of lifeliterally, as the book chronicles Chutes first pregnancy after the death of her son Zacharyand grief, the catalyst from which joy is born.

Pamela Petro, author of Sitting Up with the Dead: A Storied Journey through the American South

Honest, raw and vulnerableAlexis Marie Chute opens her heart to share her journey of love, loss, transformation, and rebirth. Her message that love binds us together even beyond death, resonates deeply with me as a bereaved mother; it is also a consistent message I heard in my research with bereaved families who experience perinatal death. This is an important, engaging book for bereaved parents, especially those who are considering a subsequent pregnancy.

Christine Jonas-Simpson, RN, PhD Professor of Nursing, York University, Toronto, ON Canada

Alexis Maries honest, unflinching memoir reads more like a novel in its elegant use of prose and narrative structure. But theres no mistaking its truththat losing a child at any age can cause a shift in a parents universe. Alexis Maries struggle to move forward and heal, and still honour baby Zachary, is an inspiration.

Janice Biehn, Editor, ParentsCanada magazine

This memoir is a moving journey of infant loss and the pregnancy that follows in the midst of a society that does not understand the dynamics of perinatal loss. The book explores the different ways men and women process grief, suppressing grief while wanting others to remember a baby no longer physically present, and how to find a new normal. The pregnancy that follows brings multifaceted feelings of continued grief, memories of the previous pregnancy along with anxiety and fear for the safety of the much-wanted new sibling. This is a book for parents, professionals, and families and friends wishing to support someone who has suffered a loss.

Joann OLeary, PhD, Parent-Infant Specialist, author of Meeting the Needs of Families Pregnant and Parenting After the Loss of a Baby

Expecting Sunshine is an exquisite book for all those who have lost a child and those who need to understand and cope with untimely grief. It is one womans heart-rending story of a mother loss which confounds ideology, faith and any of the prescribed cures for mourning. Its pain and wisdom are as old as time, the simple truths of nature, nurture and the bonds of mother and child. It is also an uplifting lesson in redemption.

Rachel Manley, author of the Governor General Awardwinning memoir Drumblair: Memories of a Jamaican Childhood

Wow! The story of Alexis Marie Chute and her precious pregnancies was almost impossible for me to put down. I know that this book will be so helpful for families living through subsequent pregnanciesa chance to validate their varied emotions and know that whatever they are feeling is normal. Thank you for sharing your story so that others can learn from your journeys. Thank you, Zachary, for helping your mother tell yours and Edens stories.

Lori Ives-Baine, RN, MN (CPB), Perinatal and Pediatric Grief Support Coordinator, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Expecting Sunshine is a brave book, walking the reader through the deep grief that accompanies the loss of a child and moving beyond immediate pain to recovery. Alexis Marie Chute speaks honestly of all the areas of life that are threatened by the death of a child: the relationship of the parents, and their faith, creativity, and belief in themselves and one another. At the same time, Expecting Sunshine acknowledges the myriad support systems that exist to help bereaved parents heal from this kind of trauma and emerge together, altered but vital. Part memorial, part celebration, this is a striking book.

Jenna Butler, Lieutenant Governor of Alberta Award winner and author of Profession of Hope

An amazingly moving and emotional story that any womanor any parentcan easily relate to.

Jennifer Hamilton, Editor, CanadianFamily.ca

An honest and tender memoir about the complex and difficult emotions of grief and joy a mother goes through during a pregnancy that follows a death of a child.

Lindsey Henke LICSW, founder of Pregnancy After Loss Support

When a baby dies, too many parents suffer alone in silence. While grieving the unexpected death of her son, Zachary, Alexis Marie courageously gives powerful voice to a mothers primal heartbreak as she searches for renewal and rebirth in her own healing while carrying her next son, Eden. In her enthralling memoir, for those of us bereaved mothers who share similar memories, Alexis Marie helps us to honour our own lives.

Shari Morash, Founder of Josiahs Journey and author of Loving Your Baby: A Gentle and Practical Guide to Parenting Through Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death

In Expecting Sunshine, Alexis Marie allows you to accompany her on the tumultuous journey of pregnancy after loss. While navigating the complex emotions during this time, she is vulnerable and allows the reader to witness her most private moments. This is a beautiful story filled with loveboth for the baby who has passed on, as well as the one she is expecting.

Kiley Krekorian Hanish, occupational therapist, founder of the Return to Zero Center for Healing, and bereaved mother to Norbert

Expecting Sunshine

Copyright 2017 Alexis Marie Chute

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published 2017
Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-63152-174-4 pbk
ISBN: 978-1-63152-175-1 ebk
Library of Congress Control Number: 2016960233

Cover design by TK
Interior design by Julie Valin

For information, address:
She Writes Press
1563 Solano Ave #546
Berkeley, CA 94707

She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

With the exception of the names of my husband and children, and the babies listed in the Walk to Remember chapter called Seasons, all the names and places in this story have been changed to protect individuals privacy. I would also like to acknowledge the role of memory in the telling of personal histories. Suffice it to say that anyone who has endured parental sleeplessness will understand the shortcomings of such recollections.