Holly Daffurn - A Gentle Guide to Pregnancy Loss: Grieving and healing after miscarriage

Pregnancy loss is a special kind of grief. When a baby dies before you get the chance to meet them, you are also mourning every second of life that you were unable to share together: every birthday, first day at school, family dinner. The sleepless nights, the endless breastfeeding, the toddler tantrums all sound like heaven when you are denied the chance to experience them. Pregnancy loss is not often talked about, despite being surprisingly common, which is why it is so important to take the time and energy to restock and nurture yourself and others deeply affected by your loss.

When you lose a baby it can feel like the world is taunting you. After pregnancy loss the world seems to be full of baby bumps and radiant smiling mothers. Even a simple trip to the supermarket can offer painful reminders in the form of parent and baby parking, chubby-limbed babies strapped in to other shoppers trolleys, infants having meltdowns at the tills. Even the salad section seems to mock you with its offers of baby leaf lettuce and baby potatoes. Fatigued parents blank their children as they silently fill up shopping bags or snap at them for demanding too much. Seeing others take their children for granted, when yours has been so brutally taken from you, can break your heart.

Trying to move on from miscarriage and pregnancy loss can feel almost like a betrayal, as you try to get on with your life and in doing so, begin to move away from that lost child.

It could be said that you cant ever really understand the pain of pregnancy loss until it has happened to you. But if you choose to share the news with others, you might be surprised how many of them have also been through a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Sometimes just talking to someone who understands can make a massive difference. However, its important not to rush the grieving process.

A friend of mine lost her baby and I had no idea what to say to her. I dont like to admit it but I wasnt really there for her. A few years later when I had my miscarriage I called her up and we went out for the day with our children. We didnt talk about our losses much, but I found it so helpful being with someone who understood how I felt, and there was no pressure.

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss can prompt self-questioning: why did this happen? Why me? What did I do wrong? With 17-22 per cent of recognized pregnancies ending in miscarriage globally it happens more often than many people realize. Remember, you are not alone, and it wasnt your fault.

When you get pregnant, thoughts of your baby-to-be consume your every waking hour. Having this dream taken from you before you even get the chance to meet can be incredibly difficult to deal with. When a person dies, any number of people will reflect back on the times they shared with that person which can help with the communal grieving process. With the loss of an unborn baby, the pain seems much more personal to the mother and father.

In some cases the news of the pregnancy hasnt even been broadcast yet. Its hard to explain how you feel about losing a baby when you didnt have the opportunity to express your delight in getting pregnant. You may not even have known you were pregnant before losing your baby. Perhaps you were not trying to get pregnant. In this situation, others may assume that the news comes as a bit of relief but this is rarely the case. Pregnancy hormones help women to bond with their bump before the baby is born. When the pregnancy is cut short, the feeling of attachment can remain making a woman crave a pregnancy that she didnt even know she wanted.

When a pregnancy is more advanced, people are often so mortified that they dont know what to say to console you. They may say nothing, or send an initial message and then nothing more. Its not that they have forgotten about you. They just dont know how to handle loss. This can make your experience feel lonelier. This is why it is so important to take care of yourself.

I was on the pill so when I was rushed to hospital with cramps and bleeding my boyfriend was terrified. I guessed what was happening before they told me. I told my boyfriend in the hospital car park. The hardest part was when he said I was a dad and I didnt even know. Seven years later and were married and about to start trying for a baby.

With any sort of grief, people dont always respond in the way we would prefer them to. It is easy to forget the offers of help and messages of love that are offered when someone dies, and to feel isolated. There is the awful assumption that speaking about the loss will remind you of it. Anyone who has ever experienced pregnancy loss will understand that this kind of grief is not easily forgotten and for the initial few months especially, it is all you can think about.

After my miscarriage I was really touched by how a certain friend responded. Hes a single guy with no desire to have kids, yet he texted me every day. Sometimes he asked how I was, sometimes he recommended books, or he simply reminded me of good times. It helped knowing that he was thinking of me. Texting someone every day may seem over the top but when you are experiencing emotional pain, those 24 hours can pass by so slowly.

Telling other people what has happened and letting them in is often the start of the healing process. You may not have the strength to talk about it over the phone, or you may find that phone calls are healing and helpful. You might prefer to ask someone else to break the news, perhaps a close relative or friend. If your family and friends were not aware of the pregnancy there is no need to rush this. A lot of people do not announce their pregnancy for the first 12 weeks, therefore if they miscarry in this time they may feel they have no support network. You may not want to tell anyone to start with. However, having a strong support network is important, so it is worth letting a few special people in.

I did most of it via email and text, I couldnt face talking to people. I think some people assume that pregnancies only terminate if there is something seriously wrong, that the mother is ill or worse still, the mother did something wrong. People dont realize how common pregnancy loss is because people dont talk about it. I wanted to make a difference and be open about it but the pain was often overwhelming.