Coertze - When the Shadow Comes--Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss

In memory of all our angels.

When The Shadow Comes:

Coping with Pregnancy & Infant loss

A Guide for Parents and Care Providers

Author: Nicci Coertze

Copy Editor: Georgia Rae Writing

Copyright 2021 by Nicci Coertze

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written consent of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law with the proper acknowledgement. For permission requests write to the author, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator at nicci.coertze@gmail.com.

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. Anonymous

GRATITUDE

Writing a book is never easy, let alone writing a book about such a sombre subject as pregnancy and infant loss. But writing this book has been such a huge privilege. It has been growing in my heart for 5 years and when I felt my love and my experience on the subject matter had reached an equilibrium, this book was born. It is with immense gratitude and profound thanks that I acknowledge the following people who were part of my journey:

First of all, to my God and heavenly Father: You are a good, good father and I am loved by You. That gives me all the strength, and hope and peace that I need. Thank you!

• My sons Nathin, Kevin and Jaedin: Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Each one of you is my sonshine' and I love you more than all the stars in the sky. You are my reasons.
• My angel babies: You are my inspiration.
• Christo: Even though the subject makes you intensely uncomfortable, and even when you don't want to hear the heart wrenching details of every death, you are always there for me. Running a bath after a 36-hour labour and stillbirth, making sure I have something to eat (and supplying me with copious amounts of coffee!), passing me tissues when I can't keep the sadness inside and making lame jokes to try and distract me from my sometimes very difficult job. I know for a fact that you dont always get what I do and at times it is very difficult for you to understand my calling, yet you have never stood in my way even when you possibly should have. For that I am so thankful.
• My parents Ben and Marlene Potgieter for their love, prayers, and support. It is a privilege to have you in my life and one that I will not take for granted ever again. I love you!
• All my friends and family (especially my grandparents) who are not on this earth anymore. I remember you.
• My soul-friend and book doula, Stephanie Nel, who has heard more stories than Im sure she cares to remember! Who doesnt mind the heart wrenching details and the shattering emotions after I have assisted bereaved parents, who debriefs me after every traumatic death. Who is my sounding board, my fiercest (and most fair) critic, my greatest supporter, and my amazing business consultant. My friend who picks up the pieces, who hugs me until it hurts and who is always there for me: No matter where life may take us, I will always think of you and smile (and this is a huge shoutout to Noah and Ed too!).
• My dear friend and psychologist Dr. Catherine van Heerden: Thank you for encouraging (and nagging!) me to write this book. You are a fierce woman and soft warrior - thank you for our journey, it is a privilege to be a witness to your life.
• My traumatologist and 'mother hen', Elize Thirion: Thank you for believing in me when precious few other people did. And thank you for helping me become a better person.
• Dr. Mariatha Yazbek for the eloquent foreword. You are the epitome of ethical conduct in the medical industry, and I have the utmost respect for you as an academic, specialist midwife and person.
• My amazing NCOT students who journeyed with me and who taught me more than I could ever teach them - thank you!
• My girls Roxanne Badenhorst and Georgia Croeser: Thank you for your love and support and most importantly, for loving my sons. I love you! Thank you for editing this book Georgie, I know it wasnt easy for you!
• My ex-husband Stfan and his wife Mia for nurturing, educating, and loving our son and laatlammetjie, Jaedin. Thank you for raising our angel so that I can help parents say goodbye to theirs.
• My friends and family (by blood and by love): Anel Alexander, Dawn Blank, Santi Britz, Quinne Brown, Luco Crispin, Kelly & Jonathan Croeser, Ronn, Kalila and Emma de la Rey, Lidi de Waal, Amor and Tertius Dreyer, Thea Du Plooy, Eric Elronde, Framande Guesthouse (Yolande and Frans), Lindy Gould, Natasha Henning, Mariandra Heunis en die muise, Linda Josi,
  Dr. Jacques Koning, Sanet Kruger, Jan Kruger, Elsie Moulder,
  Annatjie Kurfurst, Joe Lategan, Fran & Brian Lee, Adriaan Lubbe,
  Dr. Johan Markram, Georgi Mertz, Mienke, Ryno & Verna Mulder,
  Sonia Muller, Ina Rabe, Brigitte Radley, Gerrie Riekert, Nanki Robbertse,
  Liannie Robertson, Anrich Stander, Belinda Tredoux, Anton van Niekerk, Rianto & Yolande Van Reenen, Johann, Annatjie & Alwyn van Staden, Sandra Vaughn and Juanita Wilson

Y ou have either loved me, supported me, inspired me, or changed me for the better (or all of the above!). I am so very thankful for all of you!

• And last, but most certainly not least: To all the parents who have suffered pregnancy and infant loss and who have allowed me to sit with them, mourn with them and remember with them. YOU are the reason I have written this book. YOU inspire me every single day. And on the days when I feel like giving up, YOU are the reason I dont! THANK YOU for sharing your special, special angels with me. And for those of you who shared your stories in this book: I salute you! I am a better person because of you and your precious children.

With so much love and gratitude in my heart,

FOREWORD

W hen The Shadow Comes

The birth of a baby is an important lifetime event which marks the beginning of a transition to parenthood. Occasionally, this lifetime event becomes a calamity when the pregnancy does not end in the birth of a healthy full-term baby.