Lisa Jankowski - Changed: Living with Stillbirth

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

www.bigskypublishing.com.au

LIZA JANKOWSKI

Copyright Liza Jankowski

First published 2013

Copyright remains the property of the authors and apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright Act, no part may be reproduced by any process without written permission.

All inquiries should be made to the publishers.

Big Sky Publishing Pty Ltd

PO Box 303, Newport, NSW 2106, Australia

Cover design and typesetting: Think Productions

Printed in China by Asia Pacific Offset Ltd

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry (pbk.)

Author: Jankowski, Liza, 1970- author.

Title: Changed: living with stillbirth / Liza Jankowski.

ISBN: 9781922132239 (paperback)

Subjects: Jankowski, Liza, 1970

Bereavement.

Stillbirth.

Pregnant women--Biography.

Mothers--Biography.

Dewey Number: 155.937085

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry (ebook)

Author: Jankowski, Liza, 1970- author.

Title: Changed: living with stillbirth / Liza Jankowski.

ISBN: 9781922132246 (ebook)

Subjects: Jankowski, Liza, 1970

Bereavement.

Stillbirth.

Pregnant women--Biography.

Mothers--Biography.

Dewey Number: 155.937085

For my mum with love and gratitude.

And for all those who continue

to remember thank you.

Contents

would like to thank Dr Jane Warland for her time, suggestions, I encouragement and assistance with my manuscript.

Thanks also to Maurissa Ailion (counsellor) whose suggestion resulted in me becoming part of the SIDS and Kids parent support network. This has been an amazing experience, not only in being able to give back to other bereaved parents, but in giving me the confidence to finish my manuscript.

Heartfelt thanks also go to all those family, friends and work colleagues who have given their support as Ive progressed along my grief journey.

And finally, thank you to Big Sky Publishing for taking a chance on a manuscript about a not so popular subject.

his book, lovingly written by Liza Jankowski, is an incredible, emotional account of the roller-coaster experience of a mother, her husband and family, as they go through the highs of expectation and joy in pregnancy, and plummet into the depths of despair with the stillbirth of their baby.

This book provides a moving and personal insight into the difficult journey a parent who experiences the death of their child from stillbirth, or other causes, faces. Grieving parents find hope and encouragement in reading and learning from others who have travelled a similar path. It is also reassuring to know others have survived and that the common physical and mental difficulties are a normal part of bereavement. The book shares with great honesty the difficult emotions and experiences the author endured as well as information about what can help parents as they navigate their own grief journey.

There are very few people who really understand how hard it is to face the unique pain and trauma of losing a baby and the length of time it takes to recover. This book provides a resource for those who seek to understand either their own journey or that of a family member or friend who has experienced such a loss. This book is unique as Lizas story continues through her subsequent successful pregnancy and delivery, and she shares with courage and openness the thoughts and feelings she experienced as a result of having lost her first baby to stillbirth. Liza has captured the very personal details that consistently relate to other bereaved families that SIDS and Kids, South Australia support.

This book is not only for health professionals, but for those families that have been touched by the death of a baby either in miscarriage, stillbirth or post natally. Once you pick up this book you will read it to the end because its real life, and written by a loving mother who has lived the experience and wants nothing more than to share her story to help others.

started to write my story in the weeks following Olivias death. Initially, I found that putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper helped me to cope with my grief, but I also thought that it may give other people an insight into what had happened and how deeply it had affected me.

Many of our family and friends found it hard to understand the depth of our grief, as we were in their eyes grieving the loss of a child that never was. Although Olivia never took a breath and was therefore never alive, she was very much alive for the nine months I carried her. She was most definitely a presence in our life and in particular my life. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, Olivia was my world and the reason for my existence. I loved Olivia with all my heart and I continue to love her even though she is no longer a physical being in our life. We may only have memories, but Olivia will continue to be a part of our lives up until the day we die.

I hope that by reading my story, you will get a sense of not feeling so alone on your journey, as you will see that many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions being experienced by you are common to many bereaved parents.

Journal entry: 20 May 2004 (5.45 am)

I am writing this in complete and utter despair. Peter and I have experienced the worst day of our lives, when I gave birth to our daughter who was stillborn. I gave birth to Olivia Grace Jankowski at 4.20 am on Monday 17 May. We have been completely devastated by the loss of our precious beautiful baby and are heartbroken. Olivia was seven pounds and 50.5 cm long. She had a full head of dark hair and was perfect. Everyone is at a loss as to how this happened, given the fact that I had a normal healthy pregnancy and I felt well even up to the day Olivia died inside me. It only happened three days ago but it feels like an eternity. I honestly and truly cant believe that I had a baby. I know I did, but I feel like it wasnt me. Im having difficulty putting into words exactly how I feel. If I didnt know it to be true, the last nine months could have been a dream. Peter and I have never cried as much as we have in the last few days. All our hopes and dreams for us and our baby have been shattered. It just doesnt feel real.