Danielle Loy - Little Big Love: Stories of Loss, Healing and Hope after Miscarriage

Little Big Love

Published by Palmer Higgs Pty Ltd

First published 2013

2013 Danielle Loy

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright restricted above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

A Cataloguing-in-Publication record is available from the National Library of Australia.

ISBN: 9781925112504 (pbk)

9781925112511 (ebook)

Designed, typeset and printed by Palmer Higgs

palmerhiggs.com.au

Digital editions distributed by Port Campbell Press

www.portcampbellpress.com.au

Dedicated to my grandmother, Clare Guerin, the brave women and men who have shared their stories of love, loss and hope in these pages and the tiny angels they have loved and lost.

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank Birth and Beyond, an Alice Springs-based parent resource centre, for their ongoing support and encouragement of this books development. My father passed away in the middle of this project and if not for the co-ordinator, Isabelle Kirkbrides, tireless dedication to her job, the book may have been shelved for too long to revive it.

Thank you to the Northern Territory Government Office of Womens Advancement for their ongoing support for the project.

Thanks also to LJ Hooker Darwin for their sponsorship of the project.

Thank you to Leah Speed for her artistic portrayal of the journey through love, pain and healing that comes with losing a child in pregnancy. Your artwork inspired me whenever I laid eyes on it whilst putting this book together.

Thank you to Oliver Eclipse for his magical photography. His vision completed the words in these pages. All photographs in the book, other than those of children or families (which were supplied by the story tellers), were taken by Oliver.

Thank you to my father, Michael Loy. Your life long belief in me inspires me every day. I hear your words of encouragement even now.

Lastly, thank you to all of the women in this world who have carried, birthed, loved or raised a child. These tasks are often overlooked, but are some of the most important and difficult on the planet. You all create the worlds future.

There is a sacredness in tears.

They are not the mark of Weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.

WASHINGTON IRVING

Foreword

As a volunteer counsellor for Bears of Hope I am continually meeting new parents who are grieving the loss of their baby though miscarriage. There is never a story that is easy to hear because each parent comes with their own personal devastation of the hopes and dreams that were being planned for their child ... their creation.

The word miscarriage does not carry nor describe the intensity of emotion felt by many parents who sadly experience a pregnancy loss in this way. In my opinion the terminology around a miscarriage fails to allow an expecting parent to grieve openly and honestly. There is a misleading belief in our greater society that a miscarriage cannot be a traumatic event for parents because there was no real attachment, even more so when the loss is within the first trimester. Miscarriage also carries the connotation that it is a common occurrence and hence should be easy to move on from but ask a parent who has been through it and I am sure they will disagree. A miscarriage is not something that is easily dismissed by a grieving parent not physically and not emotionally.

In my interaction with parents who have experienced a loss through miscarriage I see it differently. I see parents who are emotionally torn apart by the loss of their child. They face their world with a mask upon their face that says Im doing okay and yet inside their hearts are breaking and their mind is racing and they are tormented with the what ifs? and the whys? along with the grief and trauma that is associated with unexpected death. Many parents come to me confused by the lack of parallel between the deep emotion they feel and the way they believe they are expected to react. Even hospitals can treat a miscarriage with different levels of care and empathy which further contributes to the confusion of a bereaved parents own expectations on their ability to cope with their loss. This confliction in feelings and actions leads many parents to feel isolated, unable to communicate their emotions for fear of being judged by those around them as not coping or over-reacting.

There can be so many emotions locked up within a parent who experiences a miscarriage guilt, sadness, fear, confusion and a sense of hopelessness are only just a few that I have come across in those that feel a huge barrier between them and the rest of their community. Danielle Loy is a parent who has worked her way through some of these emotions and who continues the journey of a mum who has had to say goodbye to her child through miscarriage. Her book enables parents who experience a miscarriage to know that while no story is the same they are not alone in their grief. There is a sense of comfort and realness in reading the stories of others who have experienced a baby loss in similar circumstances and whose hopes and dreams have vanished with that goodbye.

This book is for those who want to understand more about the impact of a miscarriage on a mother, a father and into the family unit. It is hoped that through sharing stories the silence around miscarriage and the impact it has on families will reduce the isolation and give parents the permission to more openly grieve their loss without judgement and intimidation.

Just like this book is a tool in bridging the gap between the silent pain of miscarriage there are also many support organisations available to parents who experience the loss of a child in pregnancy. Bears of Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support is a not for profit organisation that provides leading care and support to bereaved parents, their family and friends. There are two key elements to the care provided in guiding families through their loss. Families can receive a Bear of Hope, donated by another bereaved family which aims to reinforce that no family is alone and there is an existing community of support. The Beyond the Bear program includes face to face parent support groups facilitated by trained health professions as well as support through online groups, email and phone counselling by people who understand the impact the death of a baby has on parents.

As part of Bears of Hope we thank Danielle for this initiative of sharing stories and enabling parents to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings towards their baby that has died. The loss of a child is heartbreaking but the isolation can be just as devastating.

If you are in need of support, regardless of the time that has passed then we invite you to contact us at Bears of Hope.

With hope,

Kelly Merchant

Bereavement Counsellor

www.bearsofhope.org.au

What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.