Maureen Rank - Free to Grieve: Healing and Encouragement for Those Who Have Suffered Miscarriage and Stillbirth

Free to Grieve

Healing and Encouragement for Those Who Have
Suffered Miscarriage and Stillbirth

Maureen Rank

1985 by Maureen Rank

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
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Ebook edition created 2012

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ISBN 978-1-44121-139-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Cover design by Danielle White

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In the two decades since Free to Grieve was first published, infertility and pregnancy loss research has exploded and become much more commonplace in our culture; however, the statistics remain about the same. Nearly one million women experience miscarriage or stillbirth annually in the U.S.

Of all the books Ive authored or coauthored, this one still draws letters, cards, and calls. I think this speaks to the particular and very personal nature of such a unique grief. For all who are facing this deep loss, I trust that Free to Grieve will comfort and encourage you.

The Center for Disease Control Trends in Pregnancies and Pregnancy Rates by Outcome Vital Health Stat (21)56 done in January 2000, as quoted on the Web site www.silentgrief.com.

Eric Daiter, M.D. (Board Certified in Reproductive Endrocrinology and Infertility). As quote on www.drdaiter.com.

Thanks to Phyllis Adams, Kristy Defenbaugh, Myrl Glockner, Mary Koehlor, Joy Lane, Lynette Melcher, Jan Stowe, and the many other women who so freely shared their lives and stories with me. In nearly every case, the womens names were changed and certain details fictionalized in order to protect their privacy.

And I am grateful to the health care professionals who generously contributed their expertise: Barbara Batts, M.D.; Diane Bierke-Nelson, M.S., M.S.S.W.; Robert Bremner, M.D.; Charles R. King, M.D.; and Kurt R. Vander Ploeg, M.D.

A special thanks is also due to my sister, Margie Kuiper, and to Nathan Unseth of Bethany Fellowship, for encouragement through the gestation and delivery of this book.

You Shouldnt Cry

Jill Taylor drove home from her obstetricians office wrapped in the same warm glow of success she had felt the day she got her masters degree. The pregnancy testpositive! She was going to have another baby.

So many good things had come together for them this year; they almost didnt deserve another. The challenge of her husband Bens new job in commodities more than made up for his hour-long commute to downtown Chicago each day. And after four years of apartment dwelling, the Taylors had finally become homeowners. Jill had begun pounding nails with abandon into the walls of their newly purchased house in a sleepy Chicago suburb. Her career as a special ed teacher shelved for now, Jill was relishing the time to expand her interests that full-time mothering afforded. Learning quilting, studying the home schooling movement, keeping up with their firstborn Matthews inexhaustible exuberance. And now anticipating being the mother of two.

Jills pregnancy had come right on schedule. Matthew had just turned twenty-one months, so he would be two-and-a-half when the new baby came. Just the spacing all her parenting books recommended. Her Cuban-born parents had raised seven children, so Jill had always envisioned herself surrounded by a laughing, bouncing brood of her own. Maybe she and Ben wouldnt make it to seven, but at least they were now one closer to their own semblance of a clan.

By the second prenatal appointment, Ben, too, had relaxed about the prospect of another baby. As an only child, he hadnt seriously considered the fact that he might father more than one offspring. But both he and Jill were thinking Baby by now. Jill wasnt as sick as shed been with Matthew, he noted. Maybe she was getting the hang of this pregnancy thing.

The second checkup came and went. The doctor couldnt hear the babys heartbeat, but Jill shrugged it off. After all, she recalled, there hadnt been an audible heartbeat with Matthew until four months. And the doctor didnt appear concerned, though he did ask that she return in two weeks to check again for the heartbeat, just to be on the safe side.

The morning of that appointment, Jill began to feel pains, almost like light menstrual cramps. Maybe its good I see the doctor today, she thought. By the time she left the house, she was cramping enough that it was work to climb the steps to her sitters front door. She was uncomfortable, but not afraid. Probably a stomach flu or something. Seeing the doctor would take care of it.

The nurse seemed to hedge the subject of Jills cramps as she took the vitals and then checked for the babys heartbeat. Failing to hear it, she called in another nurse to have a try. Jill watched uninvolved, half-distracted by the intermittent cramping and impatient to have the exam over. Maybe the doctor will have better luck, the nurse frowned and went to call him.

Jill chafed a bit at the doctors time-consuming thoroughness as he moved his stethoscope slowly over her abdomen. They hadnt heard Matthews heartbeat this early, and the issue at hand was getting relief from these cramps, not following all the steps of a proper prenatal exam. The doctor put down his stethoscope and turned to his nurse, Were going to do a pelvic, he announced flatly and slipped on surgical gloves.

A pelvic? Jill winced. Those exams were the least favorite part of the prenatal experience for her. She didnt expect another pelvic until close to the end of the pregnancy. Why was he ordering one now? The poking and pushing seemed even less tolerable than usual, and she tightened her hold on the examination table.

The doctor finished, stripped off his gloves and handed them to his nurse. Mrs. Taylor, he said as he turned to her, youre going to miscarry, probably within the week. So go home and do it. And he walked out.

Jill stared after him. She would lose the baby? She was going to miscarry? What did that but the doctor had gone on to another patient. Somehow she dressed and stumbled out of the office bewildered and frightened.

When she got home, Jill instinctively reached for the phone to call Ben. Ben the baby. The doctor says were going to lose it. And Im having these cramps and Im so scared.

Ben didnt know enough about miscarriages to determine what questions to ask, but he did know when Jill was in trouble. He stopped just long enough to call his mother in Iowa, asking her to come, and boarded the next commuter train for home. When he rushed through the front door an hour and an eternity later, Jill was panic-stricken. She had begun to bleed and the cramping was worse. The blood flow wasnt profusemuch like a heavy periodbut for someone with no idea of what was ahead, it conjured up images of hemorrhaging.