Pam Vredevelt - The Power of Letting Go: 10 Simple Steps to Reclaiming Your Life

I n my counseling office and during my travels as a speaker, I frequently hear these kinds of questions from men and women:

How can I let go of my disappointment?

How do I move on after the death of my dream?

How will I ever experience joy after the loss I've suffered?

Will I always be tormented by worries, or is there a way to find peace?

These souls genuinely long for rock-solid answers in the midst of the conflicts and harsh realities of their lives.

During the last several years I've asked more than one thousand people this question: What are you finding difficult to let go of at this time in your life? Here's what many of them said:

I am finding it hard to let go of

a friendship that went sour.

ajob I loved and lost to corporate change.

my teenager who has gone astray.

my shameful past.

my spouse of fifty-two years.

my reputation after I made a terrible mistake.

my childhood dreams, which aren't realistic anymore.

my son/daughter who recently married and moved away.

my stillborn baby.

my keepsakes that were lost in a fire.

my expectations that things would turn out the way I wanted.

my health.

In every season of life we are faced with disappointments, anxiety, anger, and other disturbing emotions that we must learn to let go of for our own good. Letting go, however, requires us to confront many of the core values of our culture.

People today value competence, achievement, gain, accumulation, control, self-sufficiency, and independence. Capitalizing on our fear of losing these things, advertisers hit us from a thousand different angles, prodding and urging us to seek more stuff in order to feel satisfied. You've heard the messages over and over again. They say that the more you have, the more valued, powerful, sexy, and successful you will be. Of course, the flip side ofthat message is: The less you have, the less valued, powerful, sexy, and successful you will be.

It's a deceptive, toxic thesis that sets us up for disappointment and undermines our sense of contentment. Although our culture conditions us to accumulate and hang on, peace and true satisfaction come with letting go.

Cheryl, a woman who came to me for counseling, told me that before she had quadruple bypass heart surgery, she experienced a pervasive feeling of emptiness. I bought bigger houses and nicer cars, filled more closets with clothes, and redecorated every year. I wanted more, more, more to fill the hole inside. I kept thinking, If I just have more, the emptiness mil go away.

But Cheryl's heart attack and subsequent surgery changed things. Life-threatening situations typically do. In preparation for her hospital stay, she packed a small, dark green suitcase with a few personal belongings. All the items fit neatly in her compact canvas bag-on-wheels. During her recovery she used the same robe, the same slippers, the same comb, and the same brush every day. She read from one of the two books that she had brought with her, selected from her library of hundreds.

One afternoon, Cheryl was surprised by the contentment she felt. I was rummaging through my suitcase, which contained five or six items from home, she said, and it dawned on me that the emptiness was gone. The surgery had gone well. The prognosis was good. God had granted me life. I had everything I needed.

A month later, Cheryl and a friend held a three-day garage sale at which she sold much of what she had accumulated over the years. More isn't necessarily better, she concluded. When I let go of all that stuff, I let go of the illusions that came with it.

Cheryl's physical illness had facilitated emotional healing. The heart surgery had been successful on two counts: It had given her another chance to live, and it had helped her release her grip on the clutter that was holding her hostage.

How about you? Are you hanging on to anything that might be holding you hostage? Are you feeling stuck and frustrated because where you are is not where you want to be? Are you tightfisted with anything that might be blocking you from emotional freedom and peace?

One evening, at a large women's conference where I was speaking, I heard comments like:

I'm in a really good place right now, but I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.

My kids are having a great yearknock on woodbut I don't know how long that's going to last.

Things are going well. But I worry about being too happy because I don't want to be disappointed again.

Fear had crept in, and it was blocking these women from enjoying the good times afforded them.

I have yet to meet a person who doesn't feel worried or anxious now and then. It's a prevalent problem in today's frantic, fast-paced, information-overloaded society. Harvard Business Review has reported that stress-related symptoms account for 60 to 90 percent of medical office visits.

In the twenty-five years I've been a therapist, I think I've treated more people suffering from anxiety than from any other problem. This parallels national statistics. Anxiety is the most common complaint to psychotherapists and the fifth most common complaint received by doctors. One out of four Americans is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder during his or her lifetime. One-third of the general population experienced a panic attack in the last year. In short, if you struggle with worry and anxiety, you are not alone.