Wava M. Sisco - Not letting go, but definitely letting go.: Take your power back, Period!

Amazing Day to you! I am screaming in excitement as I sit at my desk in my two bedroom apartment with my three kids hopefully going to sleep in the next room. It is almost hard to believe not even two weeks ago I was still in a toxic relationship that for a long time I felt victim to; come to find out I was the one keeping myself in the relationship. You know the on-again off-again, when the good is good and the bad is horrible, and completely unbearable at times? Yes, I finally walked away for good. How do I know I have walked away for good this time and will not go back like the umpteenth time in the past, because I am well off into my healing journey. I have been on my beautiful healing journey for three amazing years, the first two years I believed myself to be healing and growing in which I was, but I kept running back into the exact same situations' and relationships with the same person if not a new person. I could not for the life of me figure out why I kept putting and allowing myself with my three kids to just trust someone with my time, energy, my heart, and my life. I am writing this book to not only share my story to help others in the same situation, but also to understand that it not only gets better, life can completely change in an unimageable way.

"What if everything you are going though is preparing you for what you asked for."- unknown

Where should I begin. Lets start with this, love is something, an emotion, a lifestyle that many of us are not prepared for. Even as a small child I can remember the want to feel loved and to be in love. From as young as I can remember love has always been lurking in the wings of things. I remember my mom in her on-again off-again relationships, and my granddad leaving his whole family behind because he found love.

I remember I stole forty-dollars from a friends house when I was eight-years old just to hand it out to kids at school so they would like me, so I could be, cool. I gave this one boy a twenty-dollar bill, and when he went to use it at lunch the lunch lady confiscated it, and it got all the way back to me, and my mom was called, long story short I ended up having to embarrass myself by taking the money back to the place where I stole it and apologized for my wrong doings. My mom was trying to teach me a lesson and lets just say I never stole money from anyone else ever again.

Fast forward into my adult life; even asking for money is not something I am comfortable doing. I did not realize how traumatizing a hard lesson, without love being behind the message, of me taking the money from my friends house that would shape my entire life when it came to money. To this day I cannot stand to ask anyone for anything, I do realize we are all here on earth to aid each other when able and depending on our connection and bonds. Realizing at the very tender age of eight I adapted to many horrific ways of life that I believed to be the absolute truth.

Well into my early thirties I have held onto a mindset I believed to be correct and a matter of fact. One thing I knew for sure is that love was the answer. If I could just find my night in shining armor I would be so happy and would not want for anything. I just knew love was the answer and you could not get me to feel or understand otherwise. I mean come on love is all over the place; the television, radio, movies, over at my friends house when I would stay the night because, they had a real family. Not only did I learn at the sweet age of eight years old that asking for anything from someone would be a no go in my book, but I then too realized that it is okay for people to use and abuse me, and I could not do, or saying anything about it. My moms boyfriend would pick me up out of my bed when she went to work at night and would have his way with me. He told me to never say anything, so I did not.

So there I was eight years old, not asking for anything, being beaten by my mom for any 'ol thing, and being used sexually by my moms boyfriend. See my mom was a single parent to six kids, I am number two. With it being four siblings after me the attention to me and my sister was slim to none. As years were going by I quickly got on the boy crazy train and was hot and ready for who ever to have a turn. You see I did not have the correct understanding of what was right or wrong until way later on in my life; so for many years my life went in a viscous cycle of being used by boys who I thought were oh so hot.

If someone looked my way oh you better believe I was ready to show them a good time, I mean is that not what starts love in the first place. I figured if I put love on them really good how could they resist. Well it kind of worked if you ask me, but then I would find myself bored and not wanting anything to do with he boys I gave myself to. So then I had boys chasing me, and myself chasing other boys, because if you asked me one of these boys were going to be the answer to all of my problems. I felt I had the right mindset and the right way of going about things, my way of things were do not ask for anything, do your part, love them the way I want to be loved, and poof I will live happily ever after.

When I was sixteen I got my first job at McDonald's on Harding place in Nashville, Tennessee. I was only there for three month because of an extremely rude manager. I met so many people my age there, some went to my school and the others a school near by. I dated four guys in the three months I was there. When I say I liked them a whole like, boy did I (laughing out loud). When I started working I instantly gained a little more confidence, and was able to buy my first car all by myself. When the car I bought off of the street stopped working I would have my guy friends pick me up and take me to work and back home. I always had a ride. I always had guys wanting to hang out with me, I thought because I was different, and I wasn't a b"""" like most girls. I like to think I knew how to make the guys happy and that is why they all wanted me.

Summer was over and school started back and the boy's I was dating found girls that were prettier than I was, and they had a lighter skin tone, with longer hair and a bit more confident with more personality. That is when I felt I did not feel so 'on top' anymore when it came to me being able to have any guy I wanted.

One day while out with my friend, at the time, they were smoking and I was in the back sit with this one girl. She was a white girl, blond hair and green eyes, I mean yea I thought she was pretty but did not think nothing of it, long story short she reached over and kissed me, on the lips, and I liked it, maybe a little too much. Some time later we ended up going back to her place where she lived with her family, but they were not there and I had my first lesbian experience. I was sixteen years old and I will never forget it.

I began noticing I would be in a relationship but I would quickly become unhappy. I would end up sleeping with, or if you want to be blunt, I would end up having sex with someone else, anyone else for that matter. Do not ask why but I would then tell the person I was dating that I cheated on them thinking things would somehow get better or blow over. It never blew over, it actually made things worse but I could never stop cheating, it just became something wired into my DNA at some point, and I never went back and tried to recant or stop my evil ways. The crazy part is I would cheat with people I just met, people I did not even know, people who I felt had some kind of answer that I was searching for, or was I? Was I even searching for anything, or did I just become the girl who was easy, the girl who had no self-worth and would sleep with just anyone.

When I was a freshmen in high school, I met this boy; white boy, blonde hair green eyes, a senior who was well known in the school probably because of his idgaf attitude. He was just in a relationship with this beautiful girl, so beautiful who would not want to be with her, but when they broke up, he wanted me. First of all I want to say for the life of me I could not understand how he could go from her to me, I thought it was a joke and I was actually kind of embarrassed to admit we were together because I was like am I kidding myself.