Heidi Priebe - This Is Me Letting You Go

For B.

This is a book that I wrote when I was heartbroken.

Id imagine thats how many books get made.

We lose something we love and it seems natural to try to reconstruct it mulling over memories, sorting through missteps, bleeding our expired hopes and habits onto paper, hoping some part of what weve loved will still be salvageable.

If only I can make this pain pretty, we tell ourselves, then it mattered. Then theres some reason to carry it forward.

But real pain isnt pretty at all.

And through the process of writing this book, I learned just that.

This book is a compilation of articles that I wrote throughout one of the most tumultuous years of my life.

I was freshly out of college and freshly dumped. I was welcoming the job of my dreams and saying goodbye to a community I loved. I was falling in love at some points and I was falling apart at others. I was ready to move on and I was wholly unprepared to let go. And isnt that how so many of our changes take place?

Life happens before we are ready for it. These pages are a testament to that.

This is a book about moving on when you dont want to. Its a book about receiving a future youre not ready for. Its a book about accepting that the hand we are dealt is not always the one we want to play and yet we have to learn to keep on playing anyway.

This is a book about letting go.

Its about letting go of pain and expectation. Of self-loathing and self-glorification. Of the traumas that we never thought wed heal from and the love that we never thought wed lose.

This book is a mixture of lighthearted, joyful articles and serious, somber ones. Because the truth about letting go is that it doesnt take on a single shape or form. It happens in stops and starts. In stretches and setbacks. In moments where the world feels wide-open and days where all your doors are slamming shut.

Letting go isnt simple or straightforward. Its a dynamic, lifelong process.

And I hope that some part of this book can meet you at wherever you are in that process.

Because nobody else can let go for you. But we could all use some company along the way.

First of all: Good morning, beautiful.

Is it too late to say that? I know youve probably been awake a while likely hours or even all day. I know you may have gone this whole time without hearing it shrugging back to friends and family who asked you how youre doing with a non-committal Fine because that is what were meant to do as humans answer meaningful questions with arbitrary phrases. I know that you may not be fine. I know you may have had a lackluster day. And I know that something as incredibly mundane as a Good morning text may have made all the difference in the world. Its okay if thats the case. Its okay to sometimes ache for those simple and kind-hearted gestures.

Because the truth is that good morning texts are more than a half-hearted means of communication. They are a sign that we are thought of. Cared for. Adored, by someone who may not be immediately present. They are a reminder one we perhaps should not need but sometimes do that we are appreciated in our entireties. So if you did not get one this morning, here is what I want you to know:

You deserve to have a good day today. Not because of some universal law that necessitates good things happening to worthwhile people, but because we all do. We all deserve to have a beautiful morning and a correspondingly fantastic day, regardless of who loves us or appreciates us or thinks of us first thing when they wake up in the AM. Just because someone is not around to appreciate the complexities of who you are does not mean that you deserve anything less than pure joy. And in case theres no one else to remind you, here is what else I want you to know:

Theres a particular way you laugh that can make an entire room light up, if only for a moment in time. There is a way you tilt your head when you are concentrating that makes you look unbearably kissable as if you were placed on this earth only to stare at things and frown in the most endearing form humanely possible. There is a noise you make when you are falling asleep a soft, almost inaudible sigh that sounds like the ethereal embodiment of all that is tranquil and calm. There are a thousand minute intricacies that make up the tapestry of who you are and not a single one has ceased to exist since the last time that somebody loved you.

I know were not supposed to need reminders of that. I know that were supposed to be strong and self-sufficient and reassured certain of our own worth, questioning only the value of others. But were human. We forget.

We forget that we are loveable. We forget that were desired. We forget that we are anything other than the hard-shelled, busybody workaholics that weve all been trained to behave as. We forget that we, too, merit adoration.

And heres what its easiest to forget: Who you are doesnt cease to exist because theres nobody there to admire it. The way you bite your pencil is still cute, even when theres nobody to tease you for it. The way you hold yourself still exudes confidence, even if theres no one to assert it to. The way your eyes light up when youre talking about what you love is and endlessly will be attractive, regardless of who is there to listen to you speak. All the little quirks that make you up are not extinguished because somebody once chose against them. You still deserve to have a good day, even when theres no one there to wish it to you. Even if you forget to remind yourself.

Someday someones going to love all of those tiny things about you. Someones going to love the way you cough. Theyre going to laugh at the way you lose your keys while youre actually holding them. Someday, someone is going to stare at you from across a crowded room and know exactly how youre feeling based on the way your head is tilting or the type of wine youve used to fill your glass. Someone is going to appreciate all of your obscurities eventually but right now they are all only your own. And thats okay. First and foremost, you will always belong to yourself.

Heres what I urge of you if you did not receive a good morning text today: Dont forget about what makes you incredible. Dont let your own intricacies slide. Because the loveable parts of you are not gone I absolutely promise you that much.

You are so much more than the person who nobody texted this morning. You are encompassing. You are fierce. You are a blazing, roaring fire in a world full of people whove been burnt. So please, refuse to let the wounded people extinguish you. Refuse to be tamed. Refuse to flicker down into a meagre, burnt-out coal because somebody else is not tending to your flame.

At the end of the day, were all in charge of what we bring to our lives. So be the person who brings light to your own, even if nobody else shows up to it. Be the person who has a good day, even if nobody wishes it to them. Find a way to fuel your flame when no one else remembers to, because the world needs the light you give off.