Heidi Poelman - The Two-Minute Secret to Staying in Love: Simple, Powerful Ways to Make Your Marriage Last

This is one of the most practical, sensible, and accessible resources available for anyone who wants to create enduring intimacy.

Joseph Grenny,
New York Times bestselling author of
Crucial Conversations and Change Anything

Often its the simple daily doses of small loving actions that nurture a relationship. [This] is a celebration of the little things that can make love last. Filled with the latest marriage research,
personal stories, and anecdotes from happy partners, this book contains everyday tools that can actually make a difference.

Margaret Paul, PhD ,
best-selling author of Do I Have to Give
Up Me To Be Loved By You? , Healing Your Aloneness ,
and Inner Bonding

Most self-help books are written by clinicians. Few topics in the relationship arena are examined by those in the trenches of life. Heidi Poelman is a rather typical middle-class American wife and mother. She writes as one experiencing marriage as it iswith highs and lowsyet her approach is about what works. Her positive style offers suggestion after suggestion to the reader about how to give and receive love in ways that offer hope and direction to all those wanting to be happily married. This is a wonderful book, full of little gems and nuggets of wisdom. I endorse it for those young and old who want to stay content in a committed relationship.

J. Kent Griffiths, PhD ,
Marriage and family therapist

Copyright 2016 by Heidi Poelman

All rights reserved.

Published by Familius LLC, www.familius.com

Familius books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases, whether for sales promotions or for family or corporate use. For more information, contact Familius Sales at 559-876-2170 or e-mail orders@familius.com.

Reproduction of this book in any manner, in whole or in part, without written
permission of the publisher is prohibited.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

LCCN: 2016962612

Print ISBN 9781945547058

Ebook ISBN 9781945547409

Hardcover ISBN 9781945547416

Printed in the United States of America

Edited by Katie Arnold

Cover design by David Miles

Book design by Kurt Wahlner

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

Second Edition

This book is dedicated to Scott,
my husband and best friend,
who has taught me so much about how to love
and the joy of being loved in return.

Preface

I recently sat down to tackle my weeklyand despisedjob of paying for lifes bills. Weve all been there: paying the credit card balances, checking receipts, moving money around, mailing checks, balancing the booksits the responsible stuff of life. Ive never liked this job, but alas, I figured the alternative of not doing it would probably be worse, at least eventually. I took a deep breath, turned on my laptop, and opened the finances folder on my desk. Inside the folder, I found a small, white piece of paper. Written in blue pen was this: Dearest Heidi, I love you so much. You are my dream girl. That tiny note flipped the whole moment upside down. Suddenly, I was smiling.

Those words might sound like the sort of thing that comes in the early stages of romance, when star-crossed lovers have fallen head over heels, think of nothing else, and write mushy messages to one another. In this case, the mushy message was from my husband of sixteen yearsthe man who swept me off my feet, married me, finished graduate school next to me, bought a home with me, entered parenthood with me, and continues to teach me about the kind of person I want to be.

The secret to having an amazing, intimate, playful, and happy marriage is not as complicated as you may think. In fact, as it turns out, experts and people in loving marriages seem to agree: the secret to staying in love comes down to the little things, even something as small as a love note in a finances folder. That same piece of paper has impacted me over and over, every time I sit down to pay the bills. How long did it take for my husband to write those two sentences? I dont knowhow long did it take you to read them? Less than two minutes, Id wager. Yet the ripples of that tiny drop of thoughtfulness have a much larger impact.

As you may have noticed, our day and age is anything but simple. We live in a chaotic and distracting world with seemingly endless pressures and responsibilities. Hundreds of things are competing for our attention, and we are connected to more people, places, and ideas than ever before. Yet, in marriage, many partners find themselves drifting apart. A huge number are either calling it quits or living unhappy and unfulfilled. No one plans that. Most of us marry with hopes of a lasting and fulfilling partnership. Falling in love was easy. Why is staying in love so hard? Where did the promise of a happy, intimate, playful, and passionate relationship go?

Before we married, my husband, Scott, and I read several marriage books to help us prepare. But after getting thrown into the thralls of real life, jobs, bills, and kids, I found that the details from those books were a little fuzzy. I vaguely remembered theories on conflict management, dialogue patterns, and constant selflessness. Those are all fine and good, but I wanted something simpler. After all, love is simple, isnt it? I wanted something that I could use regularly to refresh my couple-connection skillssomething that spelled out the small but meaningful things I could do every day to strengthen my marriage. I wanted the simple secrets. What is it that happy couples do to stand the test of time?

My interest started in graduate school where, whenever I had the chance, I pored over studies on marriage communication. I found it fascinating that something as simple as asking for an opinion could have a dramatic effect on feelings of fairness in a relationship. Only recently, after several more years of marriage and four kids in tow, did I decide to whittle down my findings and experiences in a book that could actually help couples. I got to work reviewing the latest books from the experts, reading more marriage studies, and interviewing happy couples to find the everyday tools that work in the real world. I pondered my own experiences to distill exactly what it is that makes me feel lovedand in love. My conclusion was refreshing and relevant for every couple who wants to stay in love for the long haul. It comes down to this: the little things we think, say, and do in marriage create the heartbeat that keeps love alive.

We all want the big things: happiness, intimacy, loyalty, friendship, excitement, and passion. The small and simple things in marriage are the stepping stones that pave the way to a fantastic partnership. Its the way he tells her shes beautiful when she comes down the stairs and the way she hugs him at the door when he comes home. Its the way he brings home her favorite pint of ice cream as a surprise and the way she calls to ask how his day is going. Its the way she asks whether he would prefer blue walls or green and the way he checks in to let her know hell be home late. Its the way she laughs at his jokeseven the not-so-funny onesand the way he looks at her and thinks to himself I am the luckiest man alive , even when he knows all her flaws. By creating a marriage filled with little gestures of affection, respect, gratitude, and friendship, we are laying the path to lasting, amazing love and all the big things that go along with it.