Heidi Poleman - The 2 Minute Marriage Project: Simple Secrets for Staying in Love

Praise for The Two-Minute Marriage Project

This is one of the most practical, sensible and accessible resources available for anyone who wants to create enduring intimacy.

Joseph Grenny , New York Times Bestselling author of Crucial Conversations, and Change Anything

Often its the simple daily doses of small loving actions that nurture a relationship. The Two-Minute Marriage Project is a celebration of the little things that can make love last. Filled with the latest marriage research, personal stories, and anecdotes from happy partners, this book contains everyday tools that can actually make a difference.

Margaret Paul, PhD , best-selling author of Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You , Healing Your Aloneness , and Inner Bonding .

Most self-help books are written by clinicians. Few topics in the relationship arena are examined by those in the trenches of life. Heidi Poelman is a rather typical middle class American wife and mother. She writes as one experiencing marriage as it iswith highs and lowsyet her approach is about what works. Her positive style offers suggestion after suggestion to the reader about how to give and receive love in ways that offer hope and direction to all those wanting to be happily married. This is a wonderful book, full of little gems and nuggets of wisdom. I endorse it for those young and old who want to stay content in a committed relationship.

J. Kent Griffiths, PhD , Marriage and Family Therapist

This book is dedicated to Scott, my husband and best friend, who has taught me so much about how to love and the joy of being loved in return.

Thanks to my dear family and friends who helped shape this book with their staying-in-love stories. Thanks to Familiusand my editor, Brooke Jordenfor their dedication to bringing happiness to families and for making this dream a reality. Thanks to Susie Taylor, Bob Taylor, Kerry Hardy, Lindsay Poelman, and Kent Griffiths for reading the manuscript and offering such helpful feedback. Most of all, thanks to Scott for encouraging this project, for giving me time to write, for brainstorming ideas with me, for reviewing each chapter, and for teaching me so much about love. You are my hero, my best friend, and my inspiration. This was only possible because of you.

Preface

We live in a chaotic and distracting world with seemingly endless pressures and responsibilities. Hundreds of things are competing for our attention, and we are connected to more people, places, and ideas than ever before. Yet, in marriage, many partners find themselves drifting apart. A huge number are either calling it quits or living unhappily and unfulfilled. No one plans that. Most of us marry with hopes of a lasting and fulfilling partnership. Falling in love was easy. Why is staying in love so hard?

Before we married, my husband, Scott, and I read several marriage books to help us prepare. But after getting thrown into the thralls of real life, jobs, bills, and kids, I found that the details from those books were a little fuzzy. I vaguely remembered theories on conflict management, dialogue patterns, and constant selflessness (all fine and good), but I wanted something simpler. After all, love was simple, wasnt it? I wanted something that I could use regularly to refresh my couple-connection skillssomething that spelled out the small, but meaningful, things I could do every day to strengthen my marriage. I wanted the simple secrets. What is it that happy couples do to stand the test of time?

My interest started in graduate school where, whenever I had the chance, I poured over studies on marriage communication. I found it fascinating that something as simple as asking for an opinion could have a dramatic effect on feelings of fairness in a relationship. Only recently, after several more years of marriage and three kids in tow, did I decide to whittle down my findings and experiences in a book that could actually help couples. I got to work reviewing the latest books from the experts, reading more marriage studies, and interviewing happy couples to find the everyday tools that work in the real world. I pondered my own experiences to distill exactly what it is that makes me feel lovedand in love. My conclusion was refreshing and relevant for every couple who wants to stay in love for the long haul. It comes down to this: the little things we think, say, and do in marriage create the heartbeat that keeps love alive.

We all want the big things: happiness, commitment, loyalty, friendship, and passion. The small and simple things in marriage are the stepping stones that pave the way there. Its the way he tells her shes beautiful when she comes down the stairs and the way she hugs him at the door when he comes home. Its the way he brings home her favorite pint of ice cream as a surprise and the way she calls to ask how his day is going. Its the way she asks whether he would prefer blue walls or green, and the way he checks in to let her know hell be home late. Its the way she laughs at his jokes, even the not-so-funny ones, and the way he looks at her and thinks to himself I am the luckiest man alive, even when he knows all her flaws. By creating a marriage filled with little gestures of affection, respect, gratitude, and friendship, we pave the path to lasting love and all the big things that go along with it.

This is how the marriage experts sum things up: Dr. John Gottman, who has studied couples for thirty years in his love lab, writes, Heres the truth about marriage. Its the small, positive things , done often, that make all the difference. Dr. John Jacobs, marriage therapist and psychiatry professor at NYU Medical College, advises his clients who want to stay in love to simply go home with a little gift, express a heartfelt thanks, or give a sincere compliment. He explains, The simple truth is that it doesnt take that much to give your spouse the sense that he or she is very important to you. Marriage researchers Carol Bruess and Anna Kudak write, Find pleasure in even the smallest gestures, jobs, and routines of your marriage. There you will find your greatest joys. New York Times reporter Tara Parker-Pope reviewed hundreds of studies on marriage and came to this conclusion: What marital science teaches us is that improving a marriage doesnt require sweeping changes. Couples in good marriages get the little things right.

With this book, I hope to tell a staying-in-love story, relevant and easy to use for every couple, from newlywed to married for decades. These are the simple tools for building a loving and lasting connection. They are bite-sized marriage tips that are actually fillingeasy to learn, easy to remember, easy to do, and full of impact.

The title of this book does not suggest that having a strong, loving marriage is easy or that quick, mindless acts can change a relationship. This book is not advice for just how little affection you can get away with. Marriage is the single most important relationship in our lives, and that relationship deserves all the time, effort, and attention we can give. I believe in regular date nights, annual getaways, and spending as much time together as life allows. The two-minute focus is for this simple reason: In the chaos and distraction of our busy lives, the little things really do make a difference. They always have.

A note to those of you who think the problems in your marriage are too big for any simple act to make a differencethis project is not about a simple act. It is about intentionally doing the little things that affect the environment of your marriage over time. When I first shared the idea of writing about the little things in marriage with a skeptical friend who has struggled to keep a loving marriage, his initial response was, Well, thats great for healthy people in healthy relationships, but its too simple for couples with real issues. After I started asking him how he felt loved, he became filled with emotion expressing how much it means to him when his wife sits down, looks him in the eye, and asks, So how was your day? Yes, some couples have big obstacles in the road. But with a commitment to loving, forgiving, and forging a new path, the little things might just change everything.