Table of Contents
This book is dedicated to the steps in my life: Aaron Sonnenschein, Rachel Sonnenschein, and Jack Olsen.
Alpha Development Team
Publisher
Kathy Nebenhaus
Editorial Director
Gary M. Krebs
Managing Editor
Bob Shuman
Marketing Brand Manager
Felice Primeau
Senior Editor
Nancy Mikhail
Development Editors
Phil Kitchel
Jennifer Perillo
Amy Zavatto
Editorial Assistant
Maureen Horn
Production Team
Development Editor
Carol Hupping
Production Editor
Suzanne Snyder
Copy Editor
Krista Hansing
Cover Designer
Mike Freeland
Photo Editor
Richard H. Fox
Illustrator
Jody P. Schaeffer
Designer
Glenn Larsen
Indexers
Chris Barrick
Nadia Ibrahim
Layout/Proofreading
Angela Calvert
Mary Hunt
Foreword
Did you know it has been estimated that by the year 2010 there will be more stepfamilies than any other type of family in the United States? That means a lot of people are already in need of information, support, and advice on becoming part of a stepfamily. If you feel as if you are putting together a giant jigsaw puzzle for which you have only a few pieces, dont just muddle through. Reach for this guide. It deals intelligently and sensitively with many of the realities of todays complicated families. Despite the titles tongue-in-cheek reference to idiots, please rest assured there are no stupid questions. All questions are valid, and this book answers many of them. It provides essential information that research has proven is helpful to stepfamilies during the early phases of togetherness.
We are always confronted by the gap between what we know from our life in the past and what we want to know about the world of remarriage. How in this world do stepparents go about making a positive contribution in managing conflict? Resolving differences? Setting clear boundaries? Minimizing chaos? Teaching responsibility? And building mutual respect and friendship?
For couples planning to remarry or those who have already taken on the title of stepfather or stepmother, this guide provides plenty of information on how it feels and what it means to be a stepparent. You can get a handle on stepfamily life by looking in these pages for information about
Stepparent roles
Daily life in a stepfamily
Surviving the special challenges
Building the extended family
From the first chapter it is clear that Ms. Lutz, sometimes witty and always passionate, provides the heart of a stepparent, along with her professional research. Self-help groups are popular but if you prefer to forage for information in private, you will find in these pages clear evidence that you are not alone and that successful stepparenting is a series of identifiable skills that can be learned. In some cases, the book will reinforce tips youve heard beforeand there are times when confirmation of what you already know can be quite reassuring.
While the focus of this book is on stepfamilies with children at home, adult children in stepfamilies will find useful advice and insights here as well. Regardless of ages or length of remarriage, this book offers a deepened understanding of stepfamily riches for both parent and child. It wont solve all of your stepfamily quandaries, but it offers something very valuable: It will set you to thinking that being in a stepfamily is more than a sum of its parts. Being in a stepfamily is also a state of mind, a way of interpreting the world, and a pattern of behavior. For that understanding alone, the book is worth more than a glance. Read it before the wedding; youll find it to be an indispensable reference book then and thereafter.
Margorie Engel, Ph.D.
President
Stepfamily Association of America
To provide education and support for parents and children in stepfamilies.
Dr. Engel is an author, speaker, and media consultant specializing in families complicated by divorce and remarriage. For additional information, contact Stepfamily Association of America at 800-735-0329
Introduction
About half of all Americans are currently involved in some sort of step relationship. By the year 2010, more Americans will be living in stepfamilies than in nuclear families. Youre in good company!
Bet you never planned to be a stepparent. For most of us, the role takes us by surprise. Despite how common a step living arrangement is, theres not a lot of information or advice out there, and what there is available is pretty scary.
Yet here you are, a stepparent (or contemplating becoming one). Youve heard the horror stories and the stereotypes, and youre determined that you wont be wicked like Cinderellas stepmother or Hamlets stepdad. Yet youre scared and youre frustratedlife at home is filled with tension. And to top it off, theres very little acceptance and support for what youre trying to do.
How will you make your way through the uncertainty, frustration, guilt, jealousy, and sheer logistics of it all?
Well, youre no idiot. You know that challenges are opportunities, and the scary bits of life are best met head on. Youve picked up this book because you are determined to somehow steer yourself and your stepfamily safely through rocky shoals.
Greetings. Im here to help you navigate your Relation Ship into smooth waters. Ive been a stepparent myself for more than a decade. Id never thought much about stepparenting when Aaron and Rachel came into my life 12 years ago. Then I fell in love with their father, and I was off on one of the most challenging and fascinating adventures of my life! As a stepmother, Ive made mistakes (no stepparent is perfect), and I wont pretend that stepparenting is easyhey, parenting of any kind is toughbut I believe that challenge is opportunity.
This book takes a positive approach to stepparenting for both women and men, for those considering stepping in, for those newly in step, and for those who have been stepparenting for a while and who could use some support and advice.
No matter who you are or where you are in the adventure, theres something for you. Youll find The Complete Idiots Guide to Stepparenting packed with up-to-date information, advice, special tips, exercises, tools, stories, and encouragement from top parenting experts, as well as from real-life stepparents and stepkids.
Lets step on in!
Whats in the Book?
The Complete Idiots Guide to Stepparenting is divided into five parts, each covering a different area of stepparenting. You can read it cover-to-cover like a novel, or you can just dip in and out to grab the bits you need.
Part 1: Introducing...the Stepparent!
First comes love, then comes marriage.... Oops! Gotta meet the kids first! What does it mean to be a stepparent, anyway? This part of the book introduces you to stepparenting. These chapters will help you get used to being a stepparent (getting used to your new role takes some adjustment) and help you avoid some pitfalls along the way to forming your new stepfamily.
