Alan Tyers - Gin & Juice: The Victorian Guide to Parenting

A GUIDE TO PARENTING

BY HER MAJESTY VICTORIA, BY THE GRACE OF GOD, QUEEN OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND, DEFENDER OF THE FAITH, EMPRESS OF INDIA AND MOTHER OF NINE

FOR THE MODERN WOMAN who wishes to have it alla husband, a family, a rewarding job as monarch of the worlds most powerful countrythe production and care of children is an enormously demanding business.

Questions of diet, discipline and (in the case of many European royal families) derangement are just some of the thorny issues raised by having children, and the wealth of information on these and other subjects can be overwhelming for a young parent.

So thank goodness for this magnificent instructional volume, which features chapters from the leading child-rearing experts at work today. I only wish it had been written when my own children were young ; if nothing else, its handy size and deceptive bulk make it an ideal missile with which to fell a recalcitrant footman, assassin or unruly two-year-old.

I cannot commend it highly enough and urge you to study it carefully.

BY THE MARQUIS OF SWINDON

PHILANTHROPIST

S O YOU HAVE FALLEN PREGNANT. For a married woman, this should be the happiest news of your life. (For an unmarried woman, I have nothing further to say to you, other than : repent.)

You will no doubt be excited and relieved to have fulfilled the most important of your duties towards your husband, and I shouldnt wonder that your delicate female heart is filled with some trepidation about the daunting road ahead.

Rest assured : within these pages you will find all the information you need, from the changes your body will undergo during pregnancy to the proper way to approach a fashionable bishop to perform a christening.

One note before we begin. It has become conventional for books to contend that an expectant mother is embarking upon a wonderful, rewarding journey that will put her in touch with Nature and the very core of her womanhood. This is bilge of the most dangerous kind : pregnancy is a positively horrible business, on a par with having to read the works of Mr George Bernard Shaw without recourse to strong drink ; or visiting a hospital in Swindon and being obliged to dole out money to the parasitic malingerers within.

I have known many, many pregnant women, most but not all of them bearers of my own children, and I can say without fear of contradiction that they all hated the experience from Genesis to Revelations.

Good luck!

G ROWING A CHILD INSIDE YOURSELF is a very cunning trick, and its difficulty is not to be underestimated. If you imagine yourself to be a conjuror, and your baby a bunny rabbit, you may get some sense of just how clever and wonderful is Mother Nature. Sadly, unlike a conjuror, human females are not equipped with a false bottom in their hat through which to whip out the little bundle of joyalthough many have noted the similarities between a lady giving birth and a lady being sawn in half.

But let us not get bogged down in the arts of the illusionist, and turn instead to humanitys own daily magic trick : the miracle of new life. Pregnancy may be astonishing, but it is in equal measure beastly. Here are some of the nuisances you ought to prepare yourself for during the months of gravidity :

MORNING SICKNESS: ENEMY OF POISE AND PRE-LUNCH GAIETY

Stimuli or situations that may cause morning sickness include : tobacco smoke, tobacco being smoked by others, inferior Sauternes, a silly housemaid, certain sorts of kedgeree, the French.

AN INDECENTLY ENLARGED DCOLLETAGE

With possible attendant sensitivity in this area.

FEELING MORE EMOTIONAL OR WOMANLY

You may find yourself even more irrational and easily discombobulated than is normal.

SUDDEN FITS OF TEMPER

These are to be guarded against, as it has been quite well proved that inflamed passions or tempers during pregnancy can be transmitted to the baby and cause him to grow up a degenerate.

A COMPULSION TO EAT BITUMEN

Or coal, if your budget allows.

A DECREASE IN YOUR APPETITE FOR YOUR WIFELY OBLIGATIONS TO YOUR HUSBAND

Do not be disheartened if your husband turns to a servant, relation, actress, &c. in order to tide himself over. This is quite normal.

T HE MYSTERIOUS AND ANCIENT ART of growing a baby inside your womanly receptacle explained :

AT ONE MONTH your baby resembles a summer pudding.

AT TWO MONTHS your baby would be able to hold its own in a physical dispute with most freshwater fish, including opponents up to the size of a salmon.

AT THREE MONTHS its feet, toes, ears and social station are detectable.

AT FOUR MONTHS your babys moral courage should be fully formed.

AT FIVE MONTHS, the baby should be ready to try Armagnac. Do not give it Calvados.

AT SIX MONTHS the baby is still rather weedy.

AT SEVEN MONTHS your baby is ravenous and needs plenty of hearty food. Eat as much as you can stomach, focusing particularly on eggs, flour, potatoes and hay.

AT EIGHT MONTHS your baby is all but fully grown and should be able to recognise most of the common hymns. Play to it on the pianoforte and feel it kick in time.

AT NINE MONTHS, your baby is ready for birthing and should be encouraged to vacate your insides promptly, calmly and in an orderly fashion.

I T IS OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE to remember that you are eating for two. If this seems daunting, imagine that you are an American. Your baby is concerned with nothing but eating and drinking ; in this regard, it may help to think of baby as being like a member of the working class. Baby, like the poor, is always with us ; and, unlike the poor, it cannot be put to work in the scullery or lime kiln in exchange for its three square meals a day.