Rick Johnson - Thats My Son: How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character

THATS

MY

SON

THATS

MY

SON

How Moms Can Influence Boys
to Become Men of Character

RICK JOHNSON

2005 by Rick Johnson

Published by Fleming H. Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Johnson, Rick, 1956
Thats my son : how moms can influence boys to become men of
character / Rick Johnson.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 0-8007-3077-1
1. Mothers and sonsReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Child rearing
Religious aspectsChristianity. 3. SonsReligious life. I. Title.
BV4529.18.J648 2005 248.8p431dc22 2004029415

Scripture is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

C ontents

Id like to thank bold, courageous men such as Robert Lewis, Steve Farrar, Ken Canfield, Dennis Rainey, John Eldredge, and most of all, Stu Weber for teaching me what it is to be a man and a father. Stu, thanks for saving my life. I have borrowed heavily from the wisdom of these men and others in writing this book. Any mistakes are all mine and not due to the teachings of these modern-day knights. Thanks also to Michael Gurian for leading the way.

Id also like to thank Joanne, Daina, Linda, Terry, Diane, Aimee, Renee, Bonnie, Diann, Julie, and Carrie for their input and encouragement. A big thanks also to Dr. Vicki Crumpton for her patience and encouragement while editing this book.

Most importantly, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my wife, Suzanne, for her unending patience with me over the years as I grew from a little boy (at twenty-five years old) to, I hope at least, some semblance of a good man at the age of forty-eight. Without her unfailing faith, encouragement, and confidence while standing next to me, I could have accomplished nothing worthwhile in life.

You hear his little feet stomping up the wooden porch steps fast as they can go on a summers afternoon. You yell, Dont slam the screen d SLAM!

Mom! Mom! he hollers, so out of breath he can hardly get the words out. Why are boys are so loud? you think. You hand him a glass of water, and he attempts to drink and tell his oh-so-important story at the same time.

MomGULPIGULPsawGULP, PANT, PANT the mostGULP biggestGULP, PANT, PANT...

You smile at him and gently push the hair from his eyes, lovingly studying his countenance. What you see causes your heart to melt like the chocolate bar he left on your dashboard in the hot sun. His smudged face, his dirty T-shirt, and the grass-stained knees of his jeans tell you hes been on some outrageous adventure about which you can only guess. His hair is damp with sweat, and hes got that incredible boy smell about himone part fresh-cut grass, one part odor of dog, one part unwashed hands that have been who knows where, and one part long-lost dreams from your own childhood. You gaze at him with love, wondering what he will be like as a man.

Then with a start you think, How am I ever going to raise this little guy into a good man?

What makes boys so special? Is it their love of bugs, dirt, dogs, baseball, explosions, loud noises, heavy equipment, and Kool-Aid? Or is it because they dont like taking baths, being kissed, eating vegetables, or having their noses wiped and ears cleaned? To mothers, these and all the other things that make boys special can present a confusing mix of contradictions. Particularly to women who were not raised with brothers or even a father, the odors, noises, and general rambunctiousness of boys can be downright frightening, or at the very least overwhelming.

I count myself fortunate to operate a nonprofit organization called Better Dads. Better Dads is a fathering skills training program with the goal of inspiring and equipping men to be more involved in their childrens lives. Through workshops and small group settings, we help men become better fathers.

Several years ago Kevin, a counselor at a local school district, approached me and said that his elementary schools had a number of single mothers with questions about raising boys. He asked if I could address their needs through a seminar, and that is how my seminar, Courageous Moms: Raising Boys to Become Good Men, was born. The key word is good. Your son will become a man regardless of what you do or dont do. But your goal should be to raise a good man. And that, I think, takes some special training and skills that are becoming rare in todays culture.

While putting together the single moms seminar, I talked with a number of single mothers who had successfully raised boys to become good men. I ran my ideas by them for approval and incorporated their most successful techniques into the program. Since then, I have given numerous presentations to groups of single moms and have never failed to be touched by their earnest desire for information on how to raise their sons to be good men. Ive discovered that theres much value to the old adage Its easier to raise a boy than to fix a man.

After I started presenting the seminars, I discovered a very interesting phenomenon. Women in general, not just single moms, were very interested in learning how boys (and men) think, act, and feel and why they think, act, and feel the way they do. Married women and even those who were not yet mothers began attending the seminars.

Even though Im a fathering advocate, I have nothing but respect and admiration for mothers, especially single mothers, who are interested in trying to help grow their sons to become good men. The horrifying truth is that 85 percent of custodial single parents are mothers. I cant begin to fathom how difficult it must be to raise and provide for a family without the support of a spouse.

Its important for you to understand that Im not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or even a trained counselor. Im also not an expert father, to which my kids will readily attest. I make mistakes every day. Im just an average parent like most of you, trying to raise my kids the best I can. Ive just been fortunate to have received some extra training and to have read many good books.

Also, its important to understand that I will be using some generalizations throughout this book. These are meant to portray characteristics men and women can relate to, not to promote stereotypes.

One thing Im not going to tell you is how to be a mother. Youre a better mother than Ill ever be. But maybe I can provide some insight into what it takes to be a man. After all, I am a manby some accounts, a fairly good manIve been a boy, and Ive raised a pretty good son nearly into manhood. Ive worked with hundreds of men over the years, learning about their childhoods and the areas they struggle with daily. That doesnt make me an expert, but hopefully, it will allow me to give you some insight into what makes us males tick.

Having said that, I dedicate this book to all the moms out there who are struggling to make it. Moms who work all day and come home and cook meals and clean the house, sometimes with little or no support from the father of their children. Moms who do without day after day so their kids can eat, have a roof over their heads, and have shoes and clothes to wear. Moms who are trying their best to raise a family on their own without the resources and support of a two-parent family. Moms who, despite the hardships, never quit.