Adam Mansbach - F**k, Now There Are Two of You

Fuck, Now There Are Two of You

by A dam Mansbach

illustrated by Owen Brozman

All rights reser ved. No par t of this book may be reproduced, st ored in a retrieval syst em, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photoc opying, recording, or other wise,

without the prior written c

onsent of the publisher.

Published by Aka shic Books Words 2019 Adam M ansbach

Illustrations 2019 Owen Brozman

ISBN-13: 978-1-61775-760-0 ; eISBN: 978-1-61775-772-3 First printing

Print

ed in Malaysia

Akashic Books Brooklyn, New York, USA Ballydehob, Co. Cork, Ireland Twitter: @AkashicBooks Facebook: AkashicBooks E-mail: info@akashicbooks.com

Website: www.akashicbooks.com

AdamMansbach is an award-winning novelist, humor- ist, and screenwriter whose works include the novels Rage Is Back, Angry Black White Boy, and The End of the Jews , the screenplay for the Net ix Original lm Barry , and, most recentlywith Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel A Field Guide to the Jewish People . He actually ha s three children, two of whom are under two years old. Please send help.

www. AdamMansbach .com

Owen Brozman is an illustrator whose work includes comics, advertisements, murals, album covers, magazines, and more. He illustrated the co okbook Kindness & Salt, the graphic novel Nature of the Beast , and the previous en- try in this series, You Have to Fucking Eat . He has worke d with Scholastic, Entertainment Weekly, Time Out New York , and numerous other clients. He lives with his family in Brooklyn, New York.

www. OwenBrozman .com

For Zanthe and Asa, and Olivia

I have wonderful news for you, darling. A little brother or sister is comingwhat fun! As for me, my lifes pretty much fucked now Because twos a million more kids than one.

The baby is growing inside Mamas tummy. Put your hand thereyou might feel a kick! Soon you wont be the focus of all our attention. Chances are, that will make you a dick.

I never knew love before you came And I swore that one kid would be it, so This is a big change for us all, hon. Our life is one gigantic shit show.

Once there were pockets of quiet When Mama and Papa could do a few Grown-up-type things, but not anymore. Fuck! Now there are two of you.

No, I cant play right now, kiddo.

The babe spent the whole night awake. I know you feel sad and neglected But cut me some slack, for fucks sake.

Wow, so now youre an infant again?

Yo ure watching the baby and following suit? I dont know how to break this to you, love, But that shit is not fucking cute.

Looking back, with just you it was easy To do stuff without a big uproar.

Now the simplest outings a grueling ordeal. What the fuck did we sign ourselves up for?

Youre so loving and sweet with the baby, Snuggled in bed, side by side.

It makes me wish I could forget your attempts At motherfucking fratricide.

Someday youll entertain one another While we chill and catch up on our reading.

But for yearsfucking years!there will not be a time No ones shitting or crying or peeing.

I dont love you any less now, my dear. Loves not a pie; we dont have to divide it. Im just so frazzled I hate everybody And Im too fucking tired to hide it.