Marion S. Forgatch - Raising Cooperative Kids: Proven Practices for a Connected, Happy Family

An excellent book that brings the best of longstanding, proven, and highly effective parenting practices to the modern age. This book is a must for every parent and every professional who works with children. Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child

This is a wonderful book with clear, easy-to-apply, and workable techniques based on both clinical experience and research. From defining and setting goals to the critical importance of family play, Raising Cooperative Kids provides a concise and practical blueprint for parents who want to enjoy their kids. Thomas W. Phelan, PhD, author of 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 212

This book is a special gift to accomplish one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs we will face in our lifetime: raising children. Marion and Jerry share their years of experience studying human behavior and give simple, yet powerful, tools to help parents. You will see yourself in some of the chapters, sometimes doing the right thing, sometimes doing the wrong thing. Enjoy the gift, have fun practicing and take comfort that you're doing the best you can. Jim Wotring, senior deputy director, Department of Behavioral Health, Washington, DC

Marion and Jerry are the foremost experts on parenting in the world and their research, writing, and professional work have helped millions of families. The information in this book is based on rigorous scientific study. As a parent, I trusted these principles in raising my own children. As a professor and clinician, I spread the word to clinicians in training in their work with families. If you are going to rely on one book to secure a better future for your children, this is the book to use. Thomas J. Dishion, PhD, professor in the Department of Psychology, Arizona State University, founder of The Family Check-Up, and author of Preventive Parenting with Love, Encouragement, and Limits: The Preschool Years

An excellent guide for parents who want to raise happy, well-adjusted children! Based on years of clinical and research experience, this user-friendly book emphasizes the importance of practicing skills and is filled with strategies and examples. I highly recommend Raising Cooperative Kids to parents, students-in-training, and therapists. Rex Forehand, PhD, author of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

A practical, commonsense book that includes all the ingredients for a cooperative and happy family. Carolyn Webster Stratton, PhD, professor emeritus at the University of Washington, and founder of The Incredible Years

A rich guide for parents who want to optimize their child's development and positive socialization. The strategies in this book are practical, but, more importantly, they are presented in a way that acknowledges how difficult it can be for parents to change old ways. This is a must read for parents and parents-to-be. Dr. Patricia Chamberlain, science director of the Oregon Social Learning Center, founder of Treatment Foster Care Oregon and KEEP, and author of Off Road Parenting: Practical Solutions for Difficult Behavior

A comprehensive, compassionate, and insightful book by two of the most preeminent clinical scholars in the field of family therapy. The text is easy to read and rich with realistic examples. Parents will find it a useful guide and clinicians will use it as both a reference and an important adjunct for parents receiving clinical services. Robert J. McMahon, PhD, professor and British Columbia Leadership Chair, director of the Institute for the Reduction of Youth Violence, Simon Fraser University Department of Psychology, and author of Helping the Noncompliant Child

This edition first published in 2017

by Conari Press, an imprint of

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

With offices at:

65 Parker Street, Suite 7

Newburyport, MA 01950

www.redwheelweiser.com

Copyright 2017 by Marion S. Forgatch, PhD, Gerald R. Patterson, PhD, and Tim Friend

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-690-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request

Cover design by Jim Warner

Cover photograph Cultura Limited / Superstock

Typeset in Adobe Caslon

MAR

Printed in Canada

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To families everywhere.

We honor your dreams and struggles.

O ne of the greatest gifts parents can bestow on their children is a happy childhood. As family research psychologists with our own blended family of five grown-up children, Jerry and I have shared a lifelong passion to understand what a happy childhood means and what it takes to raise well-adjusted children. The simple answer isgood parenting. But what is that?

After studying the good, the bad, and the ugly in relationships between thousands of parents and their children, we have found that the most important factor successful families have in common is a spirit of cooperation. The parenting techniques we have developed instill cooperation in children; they tap deep-rooted human instincts that are universal across cultural and economic lines. Whether you are rich, or poor, or middle-class; whether you live on a farm, in the suburbs, or in the city; whether you are black, brown, or whitethe cooperative spirit is the same.

Our research reveals that cooperation is the keystone that makes the essential building blocks of children's behavior fall into place. Our parenting techniques, embraced so far by thousands of families, enable parents to teach their children new behaviors while promoting a home environment with few family conflicts. Cooperation, which parents must teach to their children, is the foundation of healthy child development.

Now, you may wonder: What do we mean by cooperative children?

Cooperative children pay attention; they follow rules, and work and play well with others. With siblings and peers, they share, take turns, and are good sports whether they win or lose. With adultsparents, teachers, and coachescooperative children willingly follow directions. Willingness is an essential distinction here. It's one thing when children behave out of fear of being punished. It's quite another when they want to follow your directions and get along with others rather than argue, refuse, and create conflicts. Cooperation, which most children are eager to learn, opens new dimensions of family life. It's the secret sauce that makes parenting a joy.

Cooperative children enjoy pleasing others without being so-called people pleasers. Following directions seems to come naturally to them most of the time. That cooperative spirit then generates harmonious teamwork that spreads throughout the family. We have conducted studies to learn what parents do to promote cooperation in their children. This book shares what we have learned from our research.

That research began about fifty years ago when Jerry read studies reporting that the traditional talk and play therapies he had so carefully learned to use did not change children's behavior. The traditional approach was to work directly with children while their parents sat patiently in the waiting room hoping that magic would take place. After these sessions, parents brought their children home knowing little about what had just transpired and knowing even less about what to do to follow up. Jerry decided to try something new.