Infinite Ideas - Parenting Pre-Teens: Strategies for Raising Healthy, Happy Children

Parenting pre-teens

Strategies for raising healthy, happy children

Infinite Ideas

Previously published in paperback as Raise pre-teens

7. The childminding minefield

Need two wages to pay the mortgage or just cant stand the thought of being stuck at home 24/7? No family to look after the little one? You need a childminder.

For many couples and single parents, the option of one parent being at home looking after the kids isnt on the agenda. Bigger and bigger mortgages or rents, utility bills and lifestyle necessities ensure that fewer families now have a full-time parent. And even when this might be possible, more and more women are reluctant to abandon a career and training they have worked so hard to achieve.

Many of our friends have found that keeping suitable people to look after their kids and keeping them sweet when theyre at work seems more stressful than their children ever are. Great childminders, however, are worth their weight in gold and make a huge difference to your childrens quality of life.

Whether you need someone to look after the children from the time you both leave for work in the morning until you get back at night or just someone to take and fetch your children to school or nursery, heres a few proven ways to make things easier:

RESEARCH

Time spent researching is well rewarded. Just because Penelope is a registered childminder doesnt mean shes right for your kids or you. Personal chemistry is vital. Can you all get on? Will you be able to resolve conflicts? Are her thoughts and feelings about child rearing more or less similar to your own? Then there are practical considerations like whether its possible to get the car to her place when the roads are choked with mums doing the school run? Will she mind looking after your two-year-old into the evening if you get stuck in the office unexpectedly? And can you agree on a fee that keeps her happy without you needing a second mortgage?

We suggest that you sit down and plan your hunt for the ideal childminder with military precision. Find as many childminders in your area as you can. Be nosy. That way you wont end up leaving your vegan children with a butchers wife. Prepare a questionnaire that includes questions about the childminders personality, how she relates to your child, what other members of her family feel about these interlopers, evidence of toys and other stimulation and what structures are in place. Some childminders run their service like mini-nurseries with cookery and painting sessions, while others just plonk pre-teens in front of the telly until you return. The more childminders you see, the more likely youll find one best suited to your needs.

MONITOR PROGRESS

It is vital to build up a good working rapport with childminders. Short handovers identifying problems and good things ensures that difficulties can be resolved at an early stage and good things are reinforced. It is important to listen and observe your children as well. Sally, aged three, became depressed and started wetting herself at her childminders. Her parents couldnt understand this as she had been continent since she was 15 months. It turned out that Sally was the only child in the house and ignored by the childminder who spent all the time in the kitchen smoking and drinking coffee with other mums with school-aged children. Sally had found that wetting herself was a wonderful way of winding her childminder up.

REVIEW PROGRESS

The relationship your child has with her childminder is dynamic. Things change. We have known childminders who were delighted to look after other peoples kids when their children hadnt started school as it provided them with playmates. The same earth mothers became resentful of the commitment of having to look after other peoples pre-teens during school hours once their youngest started school. Others are great with babies, yet not so hot with four year olds. It helps to have regular meetings, say once a quarter, to review progress.

KEEP TO THE LETTER OF YOUR CONTRACT

Make a contract with your childminder detailing everything that is relevant: extra money for late arrival, mobile phone number where you can be contacted in an emergency. Give formal notice of times you will be dropping off and picking up Josh and Oliver, date and payment method. Stick to your side of the contract, however angry you feel. Looking after other peoples children is not an easy task and people with skill who perform this vital function need to be cherished and valued when they do a great job. Get it right and youll feel a whole lot better about having to go out to work.

How did it go?

QOn the last couple of occasions that Ive picked up my little girl from the childminders, she has burst into tears as soon as she sees me, making it clear how much she hates being there. The childminders son is rather rough with her at times and the childminder dismisses my daughters distress, saying she is just making it up. Im inclined to believe my daughter however. Generally we think it is a good and friendly home. What should we do?

ATricky one. On the one hand children will always get into fights with others and your daughter is being prepared for nursery and school, yet if she feels that you and the childminder are ignoring her distress shell feel that you are not taking her seriously. We suggest that you sit down with the childminder and talk it through and see if there really is a problem and how it can be resolved. If she doesnt want to know, perhaps your daughter would be better placed elsewhere.

Heres an idea for you

Sometimes you chance across an earth mother whose passion for her own and everyone elses children is evident. She may seem an ideal childminder but it has never occurred to her to become one or is put off by the form filling involved in registering with the council. If she is interested, why not make enquiries? Help her with the application or put her in touch with a professional childminding association. It takes time and energy on your part but the peace of mind knowing that a domestic goddess is caring for your children makes it a price worth paying.

Defining idea

I have sat in tears on a train to London because I have left the children with a newly sacked nanny who serving out her notice had caused a bad tempered row just as I left. How can you leave your tiny children with someone who hates you?

LIBBY PURVIS, writer and broadcaster

8. Safe as houses

Lifes hard for toddlers. Curiosity and clumsiness is a challenging combination. Toddler-proofing your home allows them to explore freely while developing a strong sense of trust in you, themselves and their environment.

As anyone who has a toddler knows, they are inquisitive creatures, with limited danger awareness, always looking for new and exciting places to explore. Toddlers are also impatient and wilful characteristics that are potentially dangerous when fuelled by their questioning nature.

No parent can watch a toddler all the time, but you do need strategies for reducing risks from ordinary household hazards, so your children dont get hurt when your attention is momentarily diverted.

A TODDLERS EYE VIEW

Other parenting books advocate crawling round the room at toddler height. We think you need to get into a toddlers mind. For example, you see a bookcase. A toddler sees a ladder. What can you do? Forget about making it a safe bookcase and concentrate instead on making it a safe ladder. Will the shelves hold your toddlers weight? Can you fix it to the wall? Would it fall if a three-year-old climbed to the top? In our experience, parents make toddlers bedrooms safe, placing cribs and cots away from windows and curtains, which deters budding climbers, and putting childproof locks on windows. But lets take a tour of the rest of your home. Youll probably have guards on electric sockets within your childs reach, but its also worth including sockets that can only be reached by standing on accessible furniture.