Stephanie Brill - The Transgender Teen

The
TRANSGENDER
Teen

The
TRANSGENDER
Teen

A Handbook for Parents and
Professionals Supporting Transgender and
Non-Binary Teens

Stephanie Brill & Lisa Kenney

Copyright 2016 by Stephanie Brill & Lisa Kenney.

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by Cleis Press, an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC, 101 Hudson Street, Thirty-Seventh Floor, Suite 3705, Jersey City, NJ 07302.

Printed in the United States.
Cover design: Scott Idleman/Blink
Text design: Frank Wiedemann
First Edition.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-62778-174-9
E-book ISBN: 978-1-62778-175-6

Table of Contents

This experience of parenting a trans kid has been such a wild ride, and one of the great gifts of my entire life. Its an amazing world, isnt it? So much richer and more complex than I knew.

I still cant reconcile myself with the added hardship I gave my brave son. But I can say this: Finally embracing his reality, devoting myself to advocate for him and his right to be himself, while it is hard in the world we live in, it is much, much better than fighting the truth and being at odds with him.

Introduction

ARE ANY OF THESE SCENARIOS familiar to you?

Your daughter just told to you that she is transgenderand you had no inkling that this was coming.

Your son recently asked you not to use gendered pronouns when referring to him anymore, preferring that you use they.

Your gay son announced to kids at school that he has always felt like he is a girl and now is going to transition to being female. He is not gay after all; she is actually straight.

Your granddaughter has become seriously depressed and isolated, rarely going out of the house once shes home from school. Youre not sure whats happening, but think it might be related to how different she is from other girls in how she expresses her gender.

Your child used a term you have never heard of to describe themselves (neutrois, agender, non-binary, genderqueer, androgyne) and when you didnt know what they meant, they left the room and now wont speak to you about it.

A student in your class has confided in you that they feel like they do not have a gender.

Your school has informed you that transgender youth are now able to play on the sports team you coach and youre trying to figure out what that means regarding use of locker rooms and managing accommodations for tournaments and other away games that require overnight stays.

Your transgender teen has been living in alignment with their gender identity since they were a child, but now puberty has hit, and you are conflicted about how to proceed medically.

Your transgender teen wants to date, and you are nervous because no one at their high school knows they are transgender.

A teen you work with came to their appointment and announced that they now understand why they didnt feel rightits because they are genderqueer. You want to help and support them, but this is new territory for you.

You are not alone if there is a teen in your life who is feeling strongly that something about their gender does not feel right to them. We have written this book to help you, as the parent, caregiver, family member, or professional, to deepen your understanding of what may be happening with your teen and to support you in walking this unfamiliar path together with them.

There is a wide range of reactions that a parent or caregiver may have when their teen starts talking about exploring their gender identity. You may find yourself wondering if this is a stage or a way to get attention from you or from their peers. You may feel a strong desire to support your teen on their gender path, but have no idea how to do that in practical, day-to-day ways. You may question if someone this young can really know this about themselves and fear that your child is setting off on a course where they will face discrimination and possible violence. It may be difficult right now to envision a happy future for your child.

For those of you who have a teen in your life who underwent a gender transition years ago, you may now be faced with new questions, concerns, and decisions. Perhaps they are once again questioning their gender, after you thought they were all done with that. You may find yourself at odds with your teens other parent about choices your teen wants to make. Or you may be doing well and just want to be sure youre able to support your teen as they enter new developmental stages.

Some of you may be concerned for your teens psychological health and well-being as they are exhibiting troubling warning signs such as eating disorders, cutting, or not wanting to leave the house. Perhaps your gender-neutral child is about to enter puberty, and you are faced with the tough decision of deciding what is right for them since neither male or female puberty is a match for who they experience themselves to be.

Perhaps your own upbringing, religious beliefs, or cultural expectations are at odds with your teens sense of gender. You are concerned about how you and your family will be perceived by others in your family and community. Or perhaps you are worried that this is your fault, and if you simply begin parenting differently, this will go away.

Raising a teenager is challenging; when the teen is transgender or non-binary, the task becomes that much more difficult. Yet, as you already know, parenting is an improvisation; we figure it out the best we can as we go along, and what seems initially difficult and overwhelming ultimately becomes manageable. This parenting challenge is no different in that regard. Parenting is an undertaking that requires growth, compassion, and courage. Having walked thousands through this journey, we can help you get a better understanding of what may be happening with your teen, how to best respond, and what steps to take next. Although there are no simple, one-size-fits-all answers, there are strategies you can use on the journey. You are not alone. We will help clarify the issues at hand so that you are able to refocus your attention on the whole of your child, and not just their gender. We will help you move from a place of concern, disbelief, fear, confusion, or wariness to a place where you can become an effective ally for your childno matter where they may lie on the gender spectrum. We want to help you move to or return to a place where your teen knows they can count on you to support them, to love them, and to help them through the rough patches of life, both in these years and the years to come. Nothing you did created your childs gender and you cant control it, but you can and will make a tremendous difference (positively or negatively) in how their gender affects their sense of themselves as a person of value who is worthy of love.

This book is for all adults who want to better understand teens and gender. This book is for you.

Understandings of Gender Are Continuously Evolving

We often think of gender as fixed and immutable, yet each of us in our own lifetimes can think of many ways that ideas about gender have changed. Notions of gender are continuously expanding in our society and vary throughout the world.

As our understanding of both gender itself and the developmental processes that shape it deepen, the landscape of gender becomes much more beautiful and varied. We can see that the two categories of male and female, based exclusively on the presence of a penis or a vulva, are inadequate. We also know that the associated gender stereotypes do not work for most of us. The exploration of gender can be tricky territory as the issues involved are some of the most personal aspects of our social and emotional existences.