Dr. Kimberly L. Mason - Bullying No More: Understanding and Preventing Bullying

Disclaimer : The information provided in this book is designed to provide helpful information about bullying. Every reasonable effort has been made to ensure that the material in this book is accurate, true, complete, and appropriate at the time of writing. The information, strategies, and techniques contained herein may not be suitable for every person or situation. You should consult with a licensed professional where appropriate. The author and publisher shall not be liable for any omission, error, or injury, damage, loss or financial consequences arising from the use of the book. The decision of whether to use or not use the information, strategies, and techniques contained in this book is solely up to you.

Note : All names used throughout this book have been changed to protect the identities of the original people involved.

Copyright 2013 by Barrons Educational Series, Inc.

All rights reserved.
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ISBN: 978-1-4380-0209-5

eISBN: 978-1-4380-9232-4

First eBook Publication: August 2013

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013012500

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Mason, Kimberly L.

Bullying no more : understanding and preventing bullying / Kimberly L. Mason, Ph.D., LPC, NCC.

ISBN 978-1-4380-0209-5

1. Bullying. 2. Child rearing. I. Title.

BF637.B85M2685 2013

Contents

Special gratitude goes to my wonderful husband, Todd, for his patience, encouragement, and support given to me during this project. Thank you for believing in me, lifting my spirits, and reminding me to eat and sleep. Thanks for picking up the slack and riding the roller coaster with me. I am so grateful that you are always there for our children, family, and me. After 20 years of marriage, you are still the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, and love.

To my sons, Zachary and Jordan, you are my inspiration. Thank you for your encouragement and support, without complaint, as I sat at my computer day after day. Zach, I appreciated that you made me laugh when I was down. Jordan, I am grateful for your hugs and kisses that re-energized me when I was exhausted. I am blessed to have you as my children.

To my sisters, Tracy and Shawn, thanks for encouraging and supporting me throughout my whole life.

To my mom, Cynthia, thank you for loving me, guiding me, and teaching me that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Always remember, you are the suitcase, and I am the tag.

To the family members that I have lost during the course of writing this book, I am so grateful that you were a part of my life. You are my angels in heaven. I miss and love you.

Many thanks to Sara Albert for being my sounding board as I formulated the ideas for this book. I appreciate the time taken out of your busy schedule to read my chapters and give me feedback.

To all of the counselors, teachers, parents, and students, thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

Lastly, a special thanks to Wayne Barr, Anthony Regolino, and Barrons Educational Series, Inc., for giving me the opportunity to write this book.

B ullying is an age-old problem that is widespread in our schools and communities. It is frequently misunderstood by adults who consider it to be an unavoidable part of growing up. For many children who are bullied, these negative behaviors often continue because adults fail to respond to their need for help, peers are too scared to get involved, and the children themselves are too anxious, afraid, and exhausted to try anything else. Being bullied causes enormous stress for many children and their families. Bullying also has long term effects. Bullying keeps thousands of children from attending school because they feel unsafe at school. It undermines the quality of the school environment; adversely affects students academic and social outcomes; causes victims physical, emotional, and psychological trauma; and in extreme cases, leads to serious violence and suicide.

Although the problem of bullying is longstanding, the methods used by aggressors have become more covert and difficult for parents and educators to detect. With the advent and popularity of the Internet and social media, bullying has taken on a new form called cyberbullying. Aided by new social media tools, youth cultures are developing alternative notions and practices of appropriate, responsible behavior in both their online and offline worlds. Thus, adults must take an active role in identifying bullying behaviors and working with youth by empowering them with the values, skills, and motivation to make safe and responsible choices in both words. Adults have a responsibility to intervene in issues dealing with bullying in order to create and maintain safe and peaceful school, home, and community environments. A relationship is a give and take partnership where two or more parties come together and compromise for the good of maintaining a healthy relationship. Because relationship difficulties emerge in a large number of bullying incidents, restorative approaches help enhance childrens interpersonal competence in order to promote healthy relationships now and throughout their lives by restoring positive relationships between all parties involved in the bullying.

When most people talk about bullying, they instinctually feel sorry for the victim, want to get that person help, and become adamant that justice be served. In contrast, when it comes to dealing with the bully, most people feel disgust and immediately think of ways of how the bully should be punished and get what he or she deserves. Then there are the bystanders, the peers who defend, stand by, or join in the bullying. Most people show disdain for the bystanders for either participating in or not becoming involved. By holding the bully accountable, most adults typically employ a retributive justice approach. The goal of this rigid system of rewards and sanctions is to punish or reprimand (i.e., revoke privileges from) the bully, to deter and correct the bullys cruel behavior, to prevent future transgressions, and to teach self-control. However, these punishment tactics rarely work or last. They also do little to promote ethical character. On the other hand, restorative interventions assist in restoring positive relationships and build communities that emphasize repairing harm over violation of rules and authority.

Many times Ive been asked by parents, Is it possible to bully-proof my child? Can my childs behavior be changed without being punished? My answer is always a resounding Yes. Its possible. However, it will take a shift in your mindset from a punitive approach to a restorative one where misconduct is viewed as a violation of relationships rather than rule breaking. In restorative approaches, all parties equally experience some form of harm, whether hurt, humiliation, guilt, or shame. Everyone involved in the bullying is affected along some continuum. It is also important that we place repairing the harm done to relationships and people over and above the need for assigning blame and dispensing punishment. Now, that may be difficult for some of you to hear, especially if you were bullied and still have residual feelings as a result of it. That is a normal reaction. As an overweight kid, I was the target of verbal ridicule by an older sibling and by peers at school. Taunts such as Thunder Thighs and Bertha Butt were a common occurrence. Therefore, I understand firsthand what it means to be hurt or embarrassed. This is why I believe a restorative approach (which builds up relationships) is a good fit for remedying the issue of bullying (which tears down relationships).