Mark A. Yarhouse - When Children Come Out: A Guide for Christian Parents

MANY RESEARCHERS HAVE BEEN INVOLVED in the projects we cite throughout this book. We wish to acknowledge in particular the work of Justin Sides, Melissa Campbell, Ashley Allen, Dara Houp, Kathryn Maslowe, and Tiffany Erspamer, who completed dissertations on the experiences of Christian parents. We also want recognize those who assisted with consensual qualitative analysis and other data analysis, including our former colleague, Elisabeth Suarez, as well as former students Julia Sadusky, Joshua Matlack, Heather Keefe, Seth Crocker, Carson Fuhrman, Chelsi Creech, Morgan Nicolas, Emma Bucher, Tranese Morgan, and Shane Ferrell. Students at the Sexual & Gender Identity Institute at Wheaton College who worked on our most recent surveys include Chuck Cruise, Kevin Biondolillo, Micaela Hardyman, Ashley Lewis, Anne Seibert, Ethan Martin, Nicholas Amitrano, and Matthew McRay. Students at the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity at Regent University who worked on our most recent surveys included Michael Haarer and Alex Newcomer. Our Sexual & Gender Identity Institute FellowsStephen Stratton, Janet Dean, and Julia Saduskycontinue to provide countless hours of consultation and feedback on original projects that inform this book through and through. We are also grateful to Greg Coles, who helped copyedit the early draft of this book, as well as to Jon Boyd, our editor at IVP Academic, for his editorial guidance throughout.

PATIENCE AND LEONARD, parents of a teenage boy, recently sat down across from me at the end of a consultation. Leonard was staring straight ahead, showing little emotion. Patience said she was feeling tired and just overwhelmed by everything. Their son, Matthew, had come out as gay this past year, and they were feeling confused and unsure how to respond. Just before they came to our meeting, their son had said he no longer believed in God.

During the consultation, both parents shared how they responded when Matthew shared with them about his same-sex sexuality. Leonard had not really said anything. He had been quiet. In our meeting today, he shared that his silence was probably interpreted by Matthew as anger or even rejection. He wasnt sure. They hadnt discussed it. Patience had been in tears and just didnt know what to say.

Since that time, they have been going over and over in their minds as many key moments in their parenting as they could recall. Decisions about playdates, clothing, family devotions, summer camp, sleepovers, taking a promotion, moving from one part of the state to another, and so much moreany decision that might provide a clue as to the origins of Matthews sexual orientation. In our time together we reflected on what it meant to them to identify a cause, to seemingly desire to take responsibility for their sons sexuality so they could at least have an explanation for its existence. It was me, said Leonard. I wasnt there as much as I should have been. I know thats what it is.

I (Mark) was able to talk with them about what we know and do not know about the origins of same-sex sexuality or a homosexual orientation, and I listened to their concerns and fears while sharing my own view that I did not think they did anything or failed to do something that caused Matthew to experience same-sex sexuality. I shared with them that they are describing common parenting challenges and decisions but that I wanted to release them from what seemed like an indictment they were making against themselves. They hadnt done anything to make Matthew gay. They hadnt failed to do something that made Matthew gay.

But what we could put our energy toward today was being in a relationship with Matthew so that he would know they loved him and wanted to find ways to be a source of encouragement and support. With the recent news about Matthews faith, we discussed being in relationship with Matthew where their own authentic faith could motivate them to stay engaged and to model the love that God has for Matthew.

We wrote this book to offer Christian parents a research-informed understanding of what its like when a child like Matthew comes out. Christian parents dont all share a single story, and we dont mean to imply that they do by writing a book on the subject. Still, as we have listened to many Christian parents sharing from their heartsand often through their tearswe have learned that these parents encounter many similar experiences. There are regrets, and there is hope. There are challenges, but there are also opportunities. In addition to helping parents be better informed and supported in their journeys, we want this book to help the church be better positioned as a resource to Christian parents navigating difficult terrain.

How is this book organized? We start with the moment of awareness, whether that comes from a childs voluntary disclosure or a more accidental or unwanted discovery. From that point, parents begin to become aware they may need to seek help. They are also trying to find ways to maintain their relationship with their child, which can be strained. We then turn to a discussion of how the relationship with their child changes over timewhat worsens initially but tends to get better over time. We then discuss how faith changes over time for Christian parents before covering what it means to come to terms with the reality of their childs disclosure of same-sex sexuality or gender identity. Coming to terms with something happens at several levels of experience. We close the book by turning to the question of how the church could be supportive of Christian parents through this journey.

We wrote this book to offer Christian parents a research-informed understanding of what its like when a child comes out.

You will see at the end of each chapter two features. One is called Advice from Christian Parents. This is where we let other Christian parents who have been walking out this journey share from their own experience. They offer pearls of wisdom from their own life that may be especially helpful to you. The other special feature is Your Turn. This is an opportunity for you to process what youve read and apply it your circumstances. Every story is unique. Your story is unique. We want you to take what you are reading, have an opportunity to digest it, and see whether you can apply it to your circumstances in ways that are helpful to you.