Jane Nelsen Ed.D. - Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: The 49 Most Effective Methods to Stop Power Struggles, Build Communication, and Raise Empowered, Capable Kids

Parenting-style research has focused for several decades now on identifying what parenting practices are most effective. Alfred Adler, a Viennese medical doctor and one of the first to create the field of psychiatry along with Freud in the late 1800s, believed that the primary goal of all people is to belong and to feel significant, and that people make all kinds of mistakes in their efforts to overcome a feeling of inferiority (feeling not good enough). Those mistakes often are identified as misbehavior. Adler believed that misbehavior was based on beliefs such as I will feel good enough only if I get lots of attention, or only if I am the boss, or if I hurt others as I feel hurt, or if I give up and assume that I am inadequate. These beliefs form what Adler called private logic, and he taught that the only way to change behavior is to help an individual change those beliefs.

Unlike B. F. Skinner, who believed that the best way to change behavior is from the outside-in (external motivators), through punishment and rewards (an approach now called behaviorism), Adler believed the best way to change behavior is from the inside-out (internal motivators), through encouragement that helps a person experience the deep need to belong as a social being. His was a philosophy of treating everyone with dignity and respect. He saw patients face-to-face instead of having them lie on a couch (as did Freud) and taking a position of superiority to the patient.

Rudolf Dreikurs, a protg and colleague of Adler, continued teaching the Adlerian philosophy after the death of Adler in 1937, and took this philosophy of equality, dignity, and respect for all people to parents and teachers, instead of confining it to the psychiatric office for psychoanalysis. Dreikurs referred to this philosophy as democratic (freedom with order), as distinguished from authoritarian (order with no freedom) and anarchic (freedom without order). He used this three-dimensional model to examine how parents influence their children.

Diana Baumrind, a psychologist working at the University of California, Berkeley, used the term authoritative, which well use more often throughout the book, to describe what Dreikurs called democratic. Dreikurs identified the democratic parenting style as most beneficial, and he advocated for this responsive yet firm approach to leadership at home as well as in schools. Both Adler and Dreikurs recognized the need for respectful discipline designed to teach problem solving and other important life skills.

Diana Baumrinds longitudinal research on parenting style has spanned several decades.

The majority of discipline models practiced in homes and school today are based on punishments and rewards. Positive Discipline is based on the Adlerian model of eliminating all punishment and rewards in favor of encouragement that addresses the basic needs of children to belong and feel significant, and our task is to help children find belonging and significance in socially useful ways. We begin by understanding and addressing mistaken beliefs about how to achieve belonging and significance, and then we teach skills to achieve belonging and significance in socially useful ways.

A childs behavior, like the tip of the iceberg below, is what you see. However, the hidden base of the iceberg (much larger than the tip) represents the belief behind the behavior, and the childs deepest need for belonging and significance. Most parenting programs address only the behavior. Positive Discipline addresses both the behavior and the belief behind the behavior.

When children misbehave, they usually have a mistaken belief about how to gain a sense of belonging. The belief generates what parents call misbehavior. Most parents react to the behavior with some kind of punishment (blame, shame, or pain). This only confirms a childs belief that he or she doesnt belong, creating a vicious cycle.

Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs taught that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. The discouragement comes from the belief I dont belong. In most cases, this is shocking to parents. They wonder, How can my child believe she doesnt belong? How could she not know how much I love her? This doesnt make sense.

Aha! You have now entered the realm of one of lifes greatest mysteries. How and why do children create their beliefsespecially when they dont make sense to us? This is why it is so important to get into the childs world to understand the childs private logic. We all have our unique way of perceiving the world, yet sometimes parents forget that their children perceive the world differently than they do. In this book, you will learn to understand the beliefs your children form as they interact with the world, and the tools you can use to empower your children to adopt more encouraging beliefs. First we would like to challenge some mistaken beliefs adults have.

Some parents have thought that Positive Discipline implies a positive way to use logical consequencesat least most of the timebecause many parents try to disguise punishment by calling it a logical consequence. Following is a list of beliefs that are likely to be created by punishment.

THE 4 RS OF PUNISHMENT

Resentment: This is unfair. I cant trust adults.

Rebellion: Ill do just the opposite to prove I dont have to do it their way.

Revenge: They are winning now, but Ill get even.

Retreat:

Sneakiness: I wont get caught next time.

Reduced self-esteem: I am a bad person.

Some people think this leaves only one alternativepermissiveness, which can be just as damaging as punishment. Permissiveness invites children to develop the belief that Love means I should be able to do whatever I want, or I need you to take care of me because Im not capable of responsibility, or even Im depressed because you dont cater to my every demand.