Contents
PRAISE FOR
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE FOR TODAYS BUSY (AND OVERWHELMED) PARENT
As a parent of a toddler, as a business owner, as a woman-on-the-gothis book provides the necessary blueprint for raising a well-rounded child and creating a more peaceful home.
Rachel Paige Goldstein, founder of Agent of Change events
Every parent needs to own Positive Discipline for Todays Busy (and Overwhelmed) Parent. An honest read that will make you feel like you are not alone. This book will give you the tools you need to parent better in the modern world and will build your confidence as a parent.
Lyss Stern, CEO of Divamoms.com, bestselling author, and mom of three
Im so grateful to Positive Discipline for reminding everyone how important it is to be kind AND firm when parenting. These practices help me raise self-reliant problem solversand I know they will help you too. Joy is one of Positive Disciplines leading disciples, and this book is an invaluable parenting and coaching tool.
Kristen Glosserman, Life Coach and mother of four
Now, more than ever, it is critical that parents impart in their children an intrinsic and upbeat tool kit for self-discipline, empathy, and developing character. Positive Discipline for Todays Busy (and Overwhelmed) Parent is a compassionate, practical, and psychologically grounded guide for parents who are eager to stay connected to their children in real life, helping them face life challenges with self-control and optimism.
Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, author of The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age
As a progressive educator, school leader, and parent of twin boys, I find Nelsen, Bill, and Marcheses advice to be as timeless as it is timely, as profound as it is simple, and as inspiring as it is instructive. The authors give us permission to humanize both ourselves and our children, and they remind us that effective parenting involves being with rather than doing to our kids.
Jed Lippard, E D D, dean of Childrens Programs and head of the School for Children at Bank Street College of Education
ALSO IN THE POSITIVE DISCIPLINE SERIES
Positive Discipline
Jane Nelsen
Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, Revised and Updated Edition
Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Revised 2nd Edition
Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy
Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Revised 3rd Edition
Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott
Positive Discipline in the Classroom, Revised and Expanded 3rd Edition
Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn
Positive Discipline AZ, Revised and Expanded 3rd Edition
Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn
Positive Discipline for Single Parents, Revised and Updated 2nd Edition
Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Carol Delzer
Positive Discipline: A Teachers AZ Guide, Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition
Jane Nelsen, Roslyn Duffy, Linda Escobar, Kate Ortolano, and Debbie Owen-Sohocki
Positive Discipline for Child Care Providers
Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin
Positive Discipline for Children with Special Needs
Jane Nelsen, Steven Foster, and Arlene Raphael
Positive Discipline Parenting Tools
Jane Nelsen, Mary Nelsen Tamborski, and Brad Ainge
Positive Discipline Tools for Teachers
Jane Nelsen and Kelly Gfroerer
Copyright 2018 by Jane Nelsen, Kristina Bill, and Joy Marchese
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.
harmonybooks.com
Harmony Books is a registered trademark, and the Circle colophon is a trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Nelsen, Jane, author. | Bill, Kristina, author. | Marchese, Joy, author.
Title: Positive discipline for todays busy (and overwhelmed) parent : how to balance work, parenting, and self for lasting well-being / Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Kristina Bill, Joy Marchese.
Description: New York : Harmony, 2018.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018021057 | ISBN 9780525574897 (paperback) | ISBN 9780525574903 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Parenting. | Child rearing. | Self-reliance in children. | Families. | BISAC: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / General. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Reference. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Conflict Resolution.
Classification: LCC HQ755.8 .N4524 2018 | DDC 649/.1dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018021057
ISBN9780525574897
Ebook ISBN9780525574903
Cover design by Jessie Sayward Bright
v5.3.2
a
To the many parents all over the world who have told me how much the Positive Discipline books have changed your life. You keep gratitude flowing in my heart. (Jane Nelsen)
To my beautiful baby girl, Chloe Eloise Skye, who was born alongside this book. You are and will always be my greatest teacher. (Joy Marchese)
To Matthew, you are the love of my life. (Kristina Bill)
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
IS POSITIVE DISCIPLINE FOR YOU, OR FOR YOUR CHILD?
This is not a trick question, and the answer is crucial to your understanding and success with Positive Discipline. The answer is both. However, you will be more successful if you understand that it is for you first.
Many parents have discovered this truth on their own. We cant count the number of times we have heard, I thought Positive Discipline would help me change my child, and it did; but I learned that it is more about me first. This philosophy has changed my life as I learned that I needed to make some changes myself. I now find more joy in parenting because of the skills I have learned.
So, exactly what does it mean to say you first?
Positive Discipline is based on universal principles of living that include connection and encouragement to increase belonging and significance (the primary goal of all people); social interest that includes contribution in the family, classroom, workplace, and community; the development of compassion through understanding the beliefs behind behaviors; motivation through kindness and firmness; skill development (not just for children, but also for adults); self-regulation (learning to control your own behavior before expecting children to control theirs); focusing on solutions; and last but not least the joy of seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn.
All Positive Discipline tools are based on these principles, and principles can be used in many different ways. When you understand and live the principles behind each tool, take them into your heart, and add the words and actions that come from your wisdom, they will be sincere and unique. If you dont understand and live the principles, the tools often sound like empty techniquesand children are not impressed. If you are not developing these attributes in your own life, how can you expect to teach them to children?
If you choose children first, what does this mean? You might use Positive Discipline tools to try to change children without incorporating the same tools in your own life. You will not model what you are trying to teach, and will then wonder why it isnt effective. If this is the case, you are unlikely to understand the importance of making a connection before correction. You may fall into the trap of wanting to make kids pay for what they have done in the past, instead of valuing mistakes and helping them learn and focus on solutions. You may try to disguise punishments (which are not part of Positive Discipline) by calling them logical consequences. You may continue to use praise and rewards because children like them and they workin the short term. We know that at times the short-term option seems the most doable, especially when youre overworked, overtired, and overstressed. But in this book well give you the Positive Discipline tools (backed by the latest research in neuroscience) to help you motivate yourself and your children to make wiser choices with proven long-term benefits.