Kevin Neary - Santa Claus Confidential: 150 Laugh-Out-Loud Stories from a Professional Kris Kringle

Copyright 2019 by Kevin Neary

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Interior illustrations by Andy Beauchamp, unless otherwise noted.

Cover design by Brian Peterson

Cover photo credit Getty Images

ISBN: 978-1-5107-4587-2

Ebook ISBN 978-1-5107-4588-9

Printed in China

Contents

Introduction

I will be the first to admit that for the past twenty-five years, Ive lived a double life. I even went as far as wearing a disguise and altering my appearance. Yes, it is true that during this time, Ive played the role of Santa Claus for a local department store and most recently for a certain famous Mouse.

There is one idea I always find fascinating when thinking about Santano matter how old we get, we still want to believe in his presence and the magic he seems to possess. For most of us, somewhere within the deep recesses of our mind, the concept of Santa Claus is remembered as a joyful and meaningful experience.

Santa Claus is the figure of hope that suggests there is still good and kindness in the world. He provides an escape for us to slip back into our childhood and forget all about the worries and burdens of being an adult. For those who have children, a visit to Santa Claus reminds us of the true meaning of the holidays.

Im not saying that every visit to Santa Claus with the children, and even adults, has been picture-perfect for me over the years. That has been the fun part of playing Santa. Seeing my own three children hold me in high regard for my role as Santa has been one of my greatest experiences. Also, for my children not to realize it was me, as Santa Claus, has only added to the magic of their many visits.

Over the years, I have enjoyed the opportunity to share my story with others, beginning with how I secured the position of Santa Claus to some of the more memorable encounters with the Jolly Old Elf and some rather unique children.

How do I still recall these stories so well? Well, whenever I recounted a story to a friend or family member, they encouraged me to write it down. And so it was that I got into the habit of writing or organizing these stories in order to provide a system of recording and preserving their value. I guess you can say, this book has been a work in progress for more than twenty-five years.

The book examines the traditional Santa visit and helps answer some of the more basic questions that make up every childs visit to the man in the famous red suit. It tackles those traditional and burning questions such as What can Santa get you for Christmas? , Are you leaving any milk and cookies for Santa? , and, one of my personal favorites, Have you been good?

For years, I grappled with a title for this book. Originally I called the book simply, True Confessions and Stories of a Department Store Santa . However, the concept of being a department store Santa basically has become a dying breed over the years. Perhaps sadly, there are very few true department stores that feature a Santa Claus for children to visit anymore. The notion of Santa, or rather a visit to Santa, is generally considered now a visit to the local mall and meeting the Santa that is there on duty. When I was growing up in the 1960s and early 70s a visit to Santa Claus meant a trek or journey downtown. The concept of large malls was just in blueprint form when I was a youngster.

Growing up, I lived in Philadelphia and the downtown area was scattered with large department stores. You were either a Gimbels family or a Wanamakers family, or even a Lit Brothers or Strawbridge & Clothier family years ago. I can remember Gimbels had an extensive toy department, while Lit Brothers featured a Christmas Village, and Wanamakers topped them all with a real working monorail in the store and an elaborate light show.

These were the institutions and landmarks where most people from Philadelphia and the surrounding area would shop and it was also your home for the holidays when it came to a visit to Santa Claus.

My only memory of actually sitting on Santas lap when I was younger, was me sitting and not saying a word. I was like Ralphie from A Christmas Story when he couldnt initially remember what he truly wanted for Christmas. (Of course, for those fans of the motion picture, we all know he wanted a Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle .)

According to my parents, apparently my older brother, Gerard, was the spokesperson for the two of us when we visited Santa Claus. So, I have no idea or memory as to what he asked for on my behalf. I do remember not getting my Planet of the Apes figures by Mego when I was seven years old. I was devastated. Every cool kid back then had them on their Wish List. I guess I wasnt cool enough.

Which brings me to another title that I toyed with for this book: I Look Better Far Away . This title has a meaning all to itself in its ability to describe the ideas or feelings of the children that patiently wait in line to see Santa. They are so excited and they cant wait to sit on Santas lap and tell him about everything that is on their own wish list. However, as they move closer to the actual lap and the realization that they are about to see Santa close up, the element of fear and panic overtakes them. So, for many kids, myself and Ralphie included, Santa does really seem to look better far away!

But thats not necessarily true for every kid. And so it is that the title Santa Claus Confidential seems to be most logical and the best description for the book you are about to read. I hope you enjoy the following pages as much as I did the journey in putting together and retelling these memorable stories.

Why Me?

M any people over the years have asked me things like, how did you ever get the job playing Santa Claus? Were you looking to be a Santa Claus? Was it a job you always wanted? Did you lose a bet?

Then after I secured the position, the first question from most people was, Did any kid ever tinkle, poop, pee, urinate, slabber, vomit [the list or some version of the list or description goes on and on] on you? Fortunately, in all of my years I can honestly say no to that line of questioning. Call it fast hands or just a pinch of luck. Maybe its a little bit of both.