Elaine Aron - The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

I especially want to acknowledge all the highly sensitive people I interviewed. You were the first to come forward and talk about what you had known very privately about yourself for a long time, changing yourselves from isolated individuals to a group to be respected. My thanks also to those who have come to my courses or seen me for a consultation or in psychotherapy. Every word of this book reflects what you all have taught me.

My many student research assistantstoo many to namealso earn a big thanks, as do Barbara Kouts, my agent, and Bruce Shostak, my editor at Carol, for their effort to see that this book reached all of you. Barbara found a publisher with vision; Bruce brought the manuscript into good shape, reining me in at all the right places but otherwise letting me run with it as I saw it.

Its harder to find words for my husband, Art. But here are some: Friend, colleague, supporter, belovedthanks, with all my love.

Tips for Health-Care Professionals Working With Highly Sensitive People

HSPs augment stimulation; that is, they pick up on subtleties. But they also experience more autonomic arousal in what others would find only moderately arousing situations. Thus, in a medical context they may appear more anxious or even neurotic.

Rushing or becoming impatient will only exacerbate their physiological arousal, and of course added stress does not help them communicate with you or heal. HSPs are usually very conscientious and will cooperate if they can.

Ask HSPs what they need from you to stay calmsilence; a distraction, such as conversation; being told whats happening step by step; or some medication.

Make use of the HSPs greater intuition and physical awarenessyour patient could have important information for you if you listen.

When more aroused, no one listens or communicates well. Encourage HSPs to bring a companion to help with these tasks, to prepare for a visit by bringing notes about questions and symptoms and to write down instructions and read them back to you during the visit, and to call you if they remember questions or points later. (Few of them will abuse this, and the second chance will remove some pressure when you meet.)

Dont be surprised or annoyed by the HSP having a lower pain threshold, a better response from subclinical dosages of medications, or more side effects. These are all part of their physiological, not psychological, differences.

This trait doesnt necessarily require medication. HSPs with a troubled childhood do suffer from more anxiety and depression. This is not true of HSPs who have worked that through or who had a good childhood.

Tips for Teachers Working With Highly Sensitive Students

Teaching HSPs requires different strategies than teaching other students. HSPs augment stimulation. This means they pick up on the subtle in a learning situation but are easily overaroused physiologically.

HSPs are generally conscientious and try their best. Many of them are gifted. But no one performs well when overaroused, and HSPs are overaroused more easily than others. The harder they try when being observed or otherwise under pressure, the more they are likely to fail, which can be very demoralizing for them.

High levels of stimulation (e.g., a noisy classroom) will distress and exhaust HSPs sooner than others. While some will withdraw, a significant number of boys especially will become hyperactive.

Dont overprotect the sensitive student, but when insisting that the student try what is difficult, see that the experience is successful.

Do make allowances for the trait while the student is gaining social stamina. If a presentation is to be made, arrange for a dress rehearsal or the use of notes or reading aloudwhatever lowers the arousal and permits a successful experience.

Do not assume that a student who is just watching is shy or afraid. It may be quite the wrong explanation, yet the label may stick.

Be aware of your cultures bias against shyness, quietness, introversion, and the like. Watch for it in yourself and in other students.

Teach respect for different temperaments as you would for other differences.

Watch for and encourage the creativity and intuition that is typical of HSPs. To build their tolerance for group life and social status with their peers, try drama activities or dramatic readings of works that have moved them. Or read their work out loud to the class. But be careful not to embarrass them.

Tips for Employers of Highly Sensitive People

Typically, HSPs are highly conscientious, loyal, vigilant about quality, good with details, intuitive visionaries, often gifted, thoughtful of the needs of clients or costumers, and good influences on the social climate of the workplace. In short, they are ideal employees. Every organization needs some.

HSPs augment stimulation. This means theyre aware of subtleties but also easily overstimulated. Thus, they work better with less extraneous stimulation. They should have quiet and calm.

HSPs do not perform as well when being observed for the purpose of evaluation. Find other ways to learn about how they are doing.

HSPs often socialize less on breaks or after hours, for they need that time to process their experiences privately. This can make them less visible or well networked in the organization. You need to take this into account when evaluating their performance.

HSPs tend to dislike aggressive self-promotion, hoping to be noticed for their honest hard work. Do not allow this to cause you to overlook a valuable employee.

HSPs may be the first to be bothered by an unhealthy situation in the workplace, which could make them seem like a source of trouble. But others will be affected in time, so their sensitivity can help you avoid problems later.

To be informed of new developments regarding highly sensitive people, write to P.O. Box 460564, San Francisco, CA 94146-0564 for the HSP Newsletter.

Notes

Chapter 1

p. 6 under the same stimulation: e.g., J. Strelau, The Concepts of Arousal and Arousability As Used in Temperament Studies, in Temperament: Individual Differences, ed. J. Bates and T. Wachs (Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 1994), 11741.

p. 7 observable differences: R. Plomin, Development, Genetics and Psychology (Hillsdale, N.J.: Erlbaum, 1986).

p. 7 unobserved by others: e.g., G. Edmund, D. Schalling and A. Rissler, Interaction Effects of Extraversion and Neuroticism on Direct Thresholds, Biological Psychology 9 (1979).

p. 7 careful processing of information: R. Stelmack, Biological Bases of Extraversion: Psychophysiological Evidence, Journal of Personality 58 (1990): 293311.

p. 10 on the average ...: When unreferenced, the point comes from my own findings. When referencing studies on introversion or shyness, I assume most subjects were HSPs.

p. 10 avoiding making errors: H. Koelega, Extraversion and Vigilance Performance: Thirty Years of Inconsistencies, Psychological Bulletin 112 (1992): 23958.

p. 10 conscientious: G. Kochanska, Toward a Synthesis of Parental Socialization and Child Temperament in Early Development of Conscience, Child Development 64 (1993): 32547.

p. 10 without distractions): L. Daoussis and S. McKelvie, Musical Preferences and Effects of Music on a Reading Comprehension Test for Extraverts and Introverts, Perceptual and Motor Skills 62 (1986): 28389.

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