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Jacob Sager Weinstein - How Not to Kill Your Baby

Here you can read online Jacob Sager Weinstein - How Not to Kill Your Baby full text of the book (entire story) in english for free. Download pdf and epub, get meaning, cover and reviews about this ebook. year: 2012, publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing, genre: Children. Description of the work, (preface) as well as reviews are available. Best literature library LitArk.com created for fans of good reading and offers a wide selection of genres:

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Jacob Sager Weinstein How Not to Kill Your Baby
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    How Not to Kill Your Baby
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How Not to Kill Your Baby: summary, description and annotation

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From writing a birth announcement that wont attract the attention of kidnappers, to doing criminal background checks on the other parents before having a playdate, How Not to Kill Your Baby is the perfect comedic antidote to parental paranoia.This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the cautionary tale portion of Sex Ed. Run dont walk to buy it, and if youre a baby with lethal parents, crawl dont roll. --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me)
Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinsteins book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple. --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan)
The s-a-g-e in Jacobs middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to. --Dennis Miller
If you dont buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine. --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)
Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever?
If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual youve ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice:
* As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets.
* Its essential that you keep careful track of your babys every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23.
* When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and dont forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!
* It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your childs age.
How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. Youll get no such promise from What To Expect When Youre Expecting.
How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless youre some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

Jacob Sager Weinstein: author's other books


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CHAPTER 1

Things to Worry About Before Getting Pregnant When Should You Conceive - photo 1

Things to Worry About Before Getting Pregnant

When Should You Conceive?

Choosing when to get pregnant is the very first decision you will make as a parent. Take a look at this time line.

A casual glance at the timeline may suggest there is no good time to bear - photo 2A casual glance at the timeline may suggest there is no good time to bear - photo 3

A casual glance at the timeline may suggest there is no good time to bear children. But look more closely. Thereright between the teens and twenties:

Thats right The only correct time to get pregnant is on your twentieth - photo 4

Thats right: The only correct time to get pregnant is on your twentieth birthday. And we mean exactly. If you were born at 4 a.m. on June 28 and you wait until 4:01 a.m., youve missed your chance and you shouldnt even bother.

Using Alternative Methods of Conception

For some couples, conceiving a child through intercourse may prove difficult. If traditional, missionary-style intercourse doesnt do the trick, dont be afraid to try different positions, or locations, or sexual acts, which might not seem procreative and might even seem anti-procreative, because what if that was it? New science also suggests that fertility appears to benefit from a performance effect if videotaped.

If these additional techniques do not bring success, you may be tempted to use an alternative method of conception. Before you take this drastic and highly risky action, please consider the following table.

Six Examples of People Who Were Born Through Alternative Methods of Conception or Delivery and the Terrifying Consequences for Everybody Involved

Conceiving by Rubbing Two Delicate Body Parts That Are highly Sensitive to Pain - photo 5

Conceiving by Rubbing Two Delicate Body Parts That Are highly Sensitive to Pain Against Each Other

Now that you know the horrible dangers of any method other than traditional intercourse, it is time to contemplate the horrible dangers of traditional intercourse. These include:

Sexually transmitted diseases. Fortunately, these are easy to avoid. Since no known STD has an incubation period longer than ten years, simply take the common-sense precaution of locking your partner in a chastity belt for a decade before so much as holding hands.

Chastity belts his and hers Since the correct age to conceive is - photo 6

Chastity belts (his and hers)

Since the correct age to conceive is twenty choosing your partners ten years - photo 7

Since the correct age to conceive is twenty, choosing your partners ten years in advance requires being engaged at age ten. See the sidebar for tips on how to do this.

Emotional attachment. Orgasm results in the release of a hormone known as oxytocin, which stimulates feelings of well-being and contentment. These emotions are probably harmless, unless, of course, they lower your alertness so much that you fail to notice your house is on fire, in which case, they will kill you. More alarmingly, oxytocin stimulates emotional attachment, which is why every time you have sex, you put yourself at risk of falling for a good-looking loner who has seduced you only to frame you for murder.

Hi honey I brought you some flowersOh and would you mind putting - photo 8

Hi, honey. I brought you some flowers.Oh, and would you mind putting yourfingerprints on this handgun?

CHOOSING THE PERFECT PARENT

Picture 9

Yes, picking the future father or mother of your child from among your fellow fourth-graders may be a challenge. But it is one you must undertake if you hope to one day know the joy of seeing your own ten-year-old child engaged to a loving and supportive life partner. Heres a quick visual guide to help you choose the future mother or father of your child:

Pros Funlovingandartistic Cons Thosehandsmaybegenetic Pros - photo 10

Pros:Funlovingandartistic.
Cons:Thosehandsmaybegenetic.

Pros Thoughtfulandquiet Cons Evenadecadelatertraceelements - photo 11

Pros:Thoughtfulandquiet.
Cons:Evenadecadelater,traceelements ofdandelionpollenmaycauseanaphylacticshockinnewborns.

Pros LikelytofatherfutureNobelPrizewinners Cons - photo 12

Pros:LikelytofatherfutureNobelPrizewinners.
Cons:Likelytofatherfuturevictimsofplaygroundbullying.

Physical attachment. Sexual intercourse can lead to a condition known as coitus captivus, in which the man and woman are unable to detach themselves after climax. Your doctor will no doubt tell you he has never seen a case of this and doubts it is even possible, but ask yourself this: If it werent possible, why would they have a name for it?

Melvin and Betty have been stuck together since 1964 Eternal damnation - photo 13

Melvin and Betty have been stuck together since 1964.

Eternal damnation. Virtually every major religion agrees: Intercourse outside of marriage results in eternal damnation for both partners. But did you know that it can also result in damnation for any resulting children, according to many faiths, which nobody can prove are false? Before any sexual contact, you will therefore want to take the following simple precautions:

Get out your marriage license and confirm that the signature of the officiating clergy member has not faded; if it has, your marriage is no longer valid in the eyes of the Lord.

Hire a private detective to investigate the officiant to ensure that you were not married by a zany morning-zoo DJ who was only pretending to be a priest for the amusement of his listeners.

Contact your local government to confirm that gay marriage has not been legalized in your area, as a single gay marriage is enough to desanctify every heterosexual relationship within a hundred miles. If you are downstream from any godless cities or states, gay marriage may even have leaked into your water supply which means that you could literally be bathing in sin. Consider having a water filter installed; make sure that it has an activated carbon outtake chamber and an intake valve made out of a pure communion wafer.

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