Denise Fields - Toddler 411: Clear Answers & Smart Advice for Your Toddler

Copyright Page & Carbon Neutral Snack Mix Copyright Page and Carbon Neutral Snack Mix Moog, clavinet and lead guitar by Denise FieldsDrums, programming and interior layout by Alan FieldsCover/interior design and keyboard solo by Epicenter CreativeCatering, trade show roadie by Mark BrownBacking harmony vocals and hand claps by Andy and Julia BrownPercussion and Wurlitzer synths by Ben and Jack Fields Index by New West IndexingBand photography by Tracy TraharDistribution to the book trade by Ingram Publisher Services.All rights reserved. Copyright 2013 by Ari Brown, M.D. and Denise & Alan Fields. Published by Windsor Peak Press, Boulder, CO. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part by any means without the expressed written permission of the authors. Printed in Canada.To order this book, order online at Toddler411.com or call 1-800-888-0385. Questions or comments? Please call the authors at (303) 442-8792. Or write to them at Windsor Peak Press, 436 Pine Street, Boulder, CO 80302. E-mail us at authors@Toddler411.com.The latest info on this book is online at Toddler411.comLibrary Cataloging in Publication DataBrown, Ari, M.D.Fields, DeniseToddler 411: Clear Answers & Smart Advice for Your Toddler / Ari Brown, M.D. and Denise Fields572 pages.Includes index.ISBN 1-889392-43-X.1. ToddlersCare. 2. Child rearing. 3. Mother and infantPopular works.649.1220296dc20. 2013. Version 4.0 Do you have an old copy of this book? Check our web site at Toddler411.com make sure you have the most current version (click on about and then which version?). Toddler 411 Medical Advisory Board Michael Andreo, M.D., Orthopedic Surgeon, Chief of Orthopedics, Seton Healthcare, Austin, TX Carol Armga, M.S., Former Director of Priscilla Pond Flawn Child and Family Lab School, University of Texas at Austin Sally Joo Bailey, M.D., Assistant Professor of Pediatric Allergy/Immunology, Weill Cornell Medical Center, New York, NY Carolyn Bridgemohan, M.D., FAAP, Developmental Pediatrician, Childrens Hospital, Boston, Instructor, Harvard Medical School David Brown, M.B.A., Lumber industry specialist Mark T. Brown, M.D., FACS, Otolaryngologist, Sleep Medicine Specialist, Great Hills ENT, Austin, TX Suzanne Brown, Horticulturist, Mother-in-law Allison Chase, Ph.D.. Child Psychologist.Lecturer, University of Texas at Austin Jane Connelly, Comma Police, Professional Grandmother Michael Cunningham, M.D., Otolaryngologist-in-Chief, Childrens Hospital, Boston, Professor, Harvard Medical School Libby Doggett, Ph.D., Executive Director, Pre-K Now Lisa Doggett, M.D., Family Practitioner , Peoples Community Clinic,, Austin, TX Heather Fagin, D.D.S.., Dentist, Lecturer, Austin Community College Allan Frank, M.D., FAAP, Pediatric Pulmonologist, Capital Pediatric Group, Austin, TX Lynn Goldman, RD, LD, Pediatric Nutritionist Thomas Hughes, M.D., FAAP, Pediatrician , Capital Pediatric Group, Austin, TX Jennifer Martin, D.V.M., Veterinarian, Brodie Animal Hospital ,Austin, TX Edward Peters, M.D., Allergist, Immunologist, Pulmonologist, Allergy and Asthma Consultants, Austin, TX Sandi Treybig, M.D., FAAP, Pediatrician, Capital Pediatric Group, Austin, TX Jason Reichenberg, M.D., FAAD, Dermatologist, Asst Professor, Dept of Dermatology, University of Texas Medical Branch Mark Zamutt, RPh., Outpatient Pharmacy Manager,Brackenridge Hospital, Austin, TX Praise for Toddler 411 Toddler 411 delivers evidence and experience-based recommendations in a format and language that is exceedingly practical and user-friendly. Like Baby 411, I will give a copy to each family. - Jason V. Terk, M.D., FAAP Pediatrician Dr. Ari Brown knows her stuff! Her new book, Toddler 411, is an easy-to-use, authoritative guide for parents. The question and answer format is perfect for busy parents who want expert advice, but dont have the time to wade through pages of text to find the one nugget of information they are looking for. She covers everything parents need to know about their toddler and gives parents the tools to handle almost any problem. Browns book is more than just a book full of practical tipsthough it is chock full of them. It conveys an attitude of love, and the joy that parents experience when they know what they are doing. - Ted Huston, Ph.D. Professor of Human Ecology, Professor of Psychology University of Texas at Austin Just as I did when I read Baby 411, I felt as if someone was reading my mind answering all of my questions and concerns as a parent. Dr. Brown tackles all of the issues facing parents of toddlers, and has a unique ability as both a pediatrician and a parent. It is a wonderful book to read as well as a useful reference guide to consult over and over again. - Helen Gilbert, mother of toddler Finally, a manual on a two year old! Every household needs this book in every room of the house (& car). We have four children from ages 1 to 6 and this addresses many of the situations that we have endured and gives you sensible advice. Its easy to reference answers on all our toddler dilemmas! - Lisa and Karl Shackelford, parents of four This book needs to be read by all parents of toddlers! It not only covers all the essential topics related to this developmental stage, but it is so easy to read and understand. Dr. Browns style of writing will keep any parent engagedand most importantly, this book does an excellent job of translating the written words into the practice of parenting. - Allison K. Chase, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist This book is exactly what I asked Ari Brown to write for the follow up to Baby 411I had a toddler going through the terrible twos at the time. It gives clear concise information and sound advice in an easy to read format. It is also made more believable by the fact that she has beenthrough it herself and shares some of those experiences. - Sandi Treybig, M.D., FAAP Pediatrician and mother of a 4 year old Read Me First! Before you delve into this ebook, one quick tip on getting the most from the charts and graphics in Toddler 411:Please consider reading this ebook in LANDSCAPEorientation (where the screen is sideways or horizontal). Thats because the graphics, tables and charts in this ebook look better in this presentation.Here are specific tips on how to change your screen orientation, depending on the type of Kindle you have: 1. Kindle Fire. If you have a Kindle Fire, the screen automatically turns when you rotate the Fire. Note: be sure you havent locked the screen!Tap the lock icon at the top of the Kindle Fire screen to unlock. 2. Kindles without keyboards (Kindle Touch, etc) , go to the Home screen, press the MENU button and select Screen Rotation. 3. Kindles with keyboards: Hit the Aabutton near the space bar. Navigate to SCREENROTATION and change to landscape.Still have trouble seeing or reading the charts and tables in this ebook?Please email us at authors@toddler411.com. We will email you these image files (at no charge, of course) for you to view on a computer, tablet or smartphone. Chapter 1: Why read this book? Whats in this Chapter Meet the authors No ads?No plugs? Show us the science The 3 truths about parenting a toddler Y ouve juggled the 2400 diaper changes... the 3am feedings... the modern Olympic record for spit-up... thats all history now.Congratulations! Youve survived the first year of parenthood!As a seasoned pro, you can handle anything, right?Welcome to the toddler yearswhere the fun is just beginning!As a parent of a newborn, you probably had pages of questions for your pediatrician. By the time you reach the one-year check-up, your questions fit on a Post-It note.Yet even though youve mastered the feeding, bathing and basic care of your baby... your newborn has now morphed into a toddler. While youve been growing more confident, so has your child. Hes been studying your every move, your tricks. Now, hes ready to launch into full toddler mode.It reminds us of a quote from one of our favorite movies, Galaxy Quest:Sure, theyre cute now, but in a second theyre gonna get mean, and theyre gonna get ugly somehow, and theres gonna be a million more of them.Okay, the actor in this scene was talking about aliens. But you get the picture.Heres a little secret no one tells you about toddlers: the Terrible Twos start well before age two... and last until age four, or longer!Lets see if you recognize this child:Every tooth brushing is a wrestling match.Bribery is required to get him into his car seat.You can rate and name his tantrums like tropical storms.And he only eats beige colored food.Will he survive toddlerhood? Will you?Thats where we come in: your tour guides to making those special years between ages one and four more enjoyable. No, we dont do babysitting. And outsourcing your parenting duties to a call center in India isnt going to happen either. (Yes, we have all entertained that idea on occasion.)Heres what we can do: The goal of this book Our #1 Goal is to help you understand your toddlerwell, at least a little bit. We will share tried and true tricks from parents and pediatricians on how to get your child to eat something other than chicken nuggets and Cheerios. Well prepare you for toilet trainingyes, some day soon, you will change your last diaper.And of course, we hope this book provides you the most up-to-date medical information about toddlers and preschoolers. With this knowledge, you should gain insight, patience, and appreciation for your little person.And we want to hear from you. While weve tried to answer the most common questions parents have about toddlers, we know you might have additional questions. Pop over to our web site Toddler411.com and drop us an email or post a question on our Facebook page at Facebook.com/Expecting411. Yes, we read and answer all of them! (How many other parenting authors can you actually email? Go ahead and ponder that. Well wait right here).In case you havent read our other books (see the back of this book for details), lets take a second to introduce ourselves. Well also explain this books no-ad policy, our show us the science mantra and more. Meet the new authors, same as the old authors This book was created by the crew that brought you Expecting 411 and Baby 411. Fields is the same author who penned the best-sellers Bridal Bargains and Baby Bargains (if youve read our wedding books in addition to our baby books, we owe you lunch).And then theres Dr. Brown, who has written the majority of this book... especially the detailed medical advice. An award-winning pediatrician in private practice in Austin, TX, Dr. Brown graduated from the Baylor College of Medicine. She completed her pediatric residency and fellowship training in developmental and behavioral pediatrics at the renowned Childrens Hospital, Boston/Harvard Medical School. In short, Dr. Brown knows her stuffespecially when it comes to perplexing toddler behaviors and how to manage (and survive) them.As an official spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics, medical advisor to Parents magazine and ABC News, Dr. Brown is a trusted voice on childrens heath issues.Denise Fields brings her 15 years of experience as a consumer advocate to Toddler 411as the co-author of Baby Bargains and Toddler Bargains , Fields has been featured on Oprah, The Today Show and Good Morning America as well as in articles in the Wall Street Journal and New York Times . For Toddler 411, Denise adds in her experience as both a mom and authormany of the questions we get on our message boards hit the same hot button issues youll see here.As always, the secret sauce to our books is reader feedback. First, youll notice readers of our previous books contributed to several sections of this bookyoull see their Real World Feedback when it comes to topics like nutrition, potty training and more. Second, look at the questions we list in each chapter. These are the frequent, real-world questions asked by patients of Dr. Brown . .. and the same questions that most parents of toddlers ponder.Yes, both of the authors of this book are also mommies. They have four children between them. Best of all, we are from your generationwe know you want detailed info, the latest research and trends, plus handy web resources. How to use this book Instructions: Open cover. Start reading.Just kidding! We realize you know how to read a book, but lets go over a few details on how to get the most out of Toddler 411.First, lets talk about BIG UGLY LATIN WORDS. You cant discuss childs health without whipping out the Latin. To keep the jargon from overwhelming you, we have a handy glossary at the end of this book. When you see a big ugly latin word in bold small caps, turn to the back to get a quick definition.Second, if you flip through the chapters, youll note boxes with Dr. Bs opinion. As it sounds, these are her opinions on several hot button issues. Feel free to disagree with these thoughts, but they are based on years of seeing real-world patients and talking with parents. Unlike some other parenting books, we think readers deserve to know where the line is drawn between fact and opinion. You can then decide what works for you and your family.Finally, lets talk footnotesweve tried to footnote the sources used throughout this book. These references are in Appendix F. No ads? No plugs? Yes, thats trueas with all our books, this guide contains ZERO ads, spam and commercial plugs. No pharmaceutical or formula company has paid the authors to plug their products in this book. Dr. Brown does NOT go on all-expense paid junkets to Aruba to learn about the latest drug or medical research (although she could use a beach vacation after writing this book). The opinions in this book are those of Denise Fields and Dr. Brownin the latter case, based on her training and experience in the practice of pediatric medicine.Full disclosure: the publisher of this book does offer a custom publishing program for this and our other titles. That means a company or non-profit organization can purchase a special run of books, putting their logo on the cover and customizing the title page. These groups then give away the book as a gift to their customers, employees or clients. Of course, these companies have no influence over the editorial content of the book. See the contact page at the end of this book if youd like more information on this program. Facebook, Twitter, Blog, iPad extras Toddler 411 is more than just a bookwe have all sorts of online goodies, social media and more. Lets review.We know you want to go online to get the latest updates, so we are there for you. Head to our website (Toddler411.com) to read any breaking news on our blog, swap stories with other parents on our message boards and sign up for a free newsletter that will provide even more insight.If youd prefer to read this book on your Kindle, Nook, or iPad, we have handy ebook versions of Toddler 411 for your viewing pleasure. Search Toddler 411 on the Kindle ebookstore or the iBookstore. Or find the links from our web site at Toddler411.com (click on shop, then ebooks).Got an iPhone? Download our free iPhone app (search Baby 411 on the iTunes store) to read the blog on the go, as well as watch videos on kid health news and see the latest news on our Facebook page.Social media? Yes, were there too. if you have a second, please pop over and fan us at Facebook.com/Expecting411. Our Facebook page includes all the latest goings on with our books, media appearances and more. And you can follow our Twitter feed at Twitter.com/Baby411.Coming soon: you can subscribe to read all our 411 books on our special, iPad-friendly web site (Baby411.com). That way you can access all the advice from our books online, whether youre at work or on the go. The subscription site also includes interactive extras like how-to videos. Show us the science! The goal of Toddler 411 is to provide you with the most up-to-date medical info on your child. Were talking state-of-the-art when it comes to your toddlers health and nutrition.So, in the age of social media and 24/7 cable news, lets take a moment to talk SCIENCE.When it comes to your childs health, our mantra is SHOW US THE SCIENCE! Before we recommend a particular treatment, parenting method or medicine, we expect there to be good science behind it.What is good science? Good scientific research is conducted by reputable researchers and published in a major medical journal, like the New England Journal of Medicine. Good science is based on a large enough sample to be statistically significantand verified by peers before it is published.Contrast this to junk science. Much of what you see online is, unfortunately, junk scienceresearch done by questionable individuals who are usually trying to sell a miracle cure along with their theories. Junk science is often based on flawed studies that use too-small samples to be relevant. Example: just because four of your friends have babies with blue eyes does not mean there is an epidemic of blue-eyed babies on your block.Much of the junk science you see online or read in the media is there to push a political agenda. Sure, these zealots are well meaning, but they harm their cause by hyping some obscure study from a doctor in Fiji as medical truth.Of course, this isnt always so black and whitesometimes good science is spun or hyped by groups who want to push their cause.To put this in perspective, lets look at an example: a 2008 study from Cornell University compared the rates of autism and the amount of rainfall in a community. Researchers took a weak hypothesis (spending excessive time indoors would increase the chances of having autism), performed mathematical acrobatics and presto! Rain = autism. If you live in a rainy area, the study declared your child has an increased chance of autism. Researchers speculated, without any supporting evidence, that time spent indoors (Watching TV? Video games? Not getting enough Vitamin D? Inhaling carpet cleaning chemicals?) caused autism.Bottom line: this was a flawed study that never should have been published in the first place. Why? Just because two things are seemingly related (towns like Seattle have more autistic kids) doesnt mean that rain CAUSES autism.Of course, that didnt matter to the media. Outlets like USA Today and MSNBC reported that rainfall and autism were linked. And some autism advocacy groups used this study as proof that indoor environmental toxins were surely the reason for their childrens diagnoses. None of which is true.Clearly this study was junk sciencebut this is an example of how research takes on a life of its own as it winds its way through the meat-grinder of cable news and online culture these days.As your guides in Toddler Health Land, we hope to steer you toward the good science when making decisions for your baby. Disclaimer our lawyers wanted No medical book about children is complete without that ubiquitous legal disclaimer... so heres ours:The information we provide in this book is intended to help families understand their childs medical issues. It is NOT intended to replace the advice of your doctor. Before you start any medical treatment, always check in with your childs doctor who can counsel you on the specific needs of your child.We have made a tremendous effort to give you the most up-to-date medical information available. However, medical research is constantly providing new insight into pediatric healthcare. Check our web site (Toddler411.com) and our Facebook/Twitter to the latest breaking updates (and why you should also discuss your toddlers medical care with your childs doc). Whats new in this edition For the fourth edition of Toddler 411, youll find the latest studies on toddler nutrition, development and topics like toddlers and technology.Readers always ask for more help in solving their toddler discipline challenges. So, weve expanded the discipline chapter in this edition. That will help you adjust your game plan as your child progresses through the toddler years! The three truths about parenting a toddler 1 You cant make a kid eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. Yes, toddlers have a will all their ownand if they dont want to do any of the above, darn it, thats the way it is. Nope, you have to come well-armed with a series of clever strategies and tricks to work some magic. Well give you the spells over the next 400 pages.2 Parenting is the great equalizer. No matter whether youre a CEO or a working stiff, parenting a toddler puts us all in the same place. We all have to deal with the same anxieties, concerns and frustrations. And yes, even the experts (ahem) have had their toddler throw a tantrum when its time leave the playground.3 Monkey see, monkey do. Long gone are the days when you could behave badly and have your little newborn look up at you with a blank stare. Nope, your toddler is studying all your moves... so if you expect your toddler NOT to throw a tantrum or utter curse words, you have to set the example.So, enough intro already! Lets get rolling and enter the Wild World of Toddlers. Chapter 2: Discipline Whats in this Chapter Parenting Styles Discipline Nuts &Bolts When the Terrible Twos Really Start Is it ok to spank? 20 Commandments of Toddler Discipline The Time-Out Primer Ending Whining as we know it 35 Toddler types:Tips &Advice "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance." ~ Franklin P. Jones Have you hit the PIZ? You know, the Parent Insanity Zonethat exact moment when you question WHY you had a child in the first place. Yes, every parent has multiple PIZs... as parents of four kids altogether, we feel your pain. Really!While we agree that parenting is the most admirable job in the world, we also agree that living with a toddler sometimes makes a parent consider selling their child on eBay... or paying big money to hire a full-time, live-in babysitter.No matter how many parenting books you read, the actual parenting of a toddler is more like a prizefight than a classical ballet. In this corner, we have your toddler, weighing in at 27 lbs. Dont let his size fool you, hell go ten rounds with an adult nine times his size and get a TKO. In the other corner, we haveyou, the parent.In Vegas, wed be betting on your toddler with 2:1 odds. Its not that we dont have faith in you, its just that we know how resilient toddlers can beby sheer determination, they figure out how to wear their parents into submission. Dont be embarrassed; we have all been there.Heres an important point: Kids are not born with social skills. It is animal nature (and that includes us humans) to be born with a survival of the fittest mentality. Its what helped us survive as cavemen before we owned SUVs and had a Home Depot and McDonalds on every corner. Its our job as parents to TEACH our children social skills, responsibility and self-discipline, while preserving self-esteem. Yes, it is akin to breaking a wild horse. But you wont break your childs spirit if you do it correctly.The goal of this chapter is to teach you how to manage your toddler and preschooler so they learn how to act appropriately, safely, and confidently... both when you are around and when you arent. Your job is to implant a good citizen memory chip in your childs brain that will remind your child how he is supposed to act.Here is the take-home message: the seeds of discipline you plant now will blossom later and you will be thankful for the fruits of your labor. We also think you will enjoy your child more if you dont feel that you spend 90% of your day yelling at him.So lets get started by talking about parenting styles... are you running a dictatorship or democracy in your house? Your style impacts your toddlers behavior, so well go over how this fits in the puzzle.Next, its the nuts and bolts of discipline. Join us as we recite the 20 Commandments for Toddler Discipline. (Yes, Moses just had ten, but he was traveling on business most of the time). Then well discuss Intervention 411: what you need to do when things go wrong, including advice on dealing with public tantrums (you know, in the cereal aisle of the grocery store). Finally, well give you specific tips (look for Teaching Moments) on how to deal with common toddler challenges, like the biter, the nudist and the shop-a-holic.Note: all of these wonderful behaviorsand opportunities for teaching momentsmay appear at any moment from ages one to four. So dont be alarmed if you witness your childs first tantrum at 13 months of age. And dont believe your two-year old is immune to tantrums because he hasnt had any (yet). You will be referring back to this chapter often over the next three years.Whew! Thats a lot of stuff. So lets get the ball rolling. Discipline: The Big Picture Discipline is teaching your child to learn self-control and with that, comes confidence and self-esteem. Repeat after us: discipline is the underpinning of many issues in your childs life.Now, we arent just talking about teaching your toddler to be nice to the dog, but much more: hes capable of falling asleep on his own; he cant eat chicken nuggets for every meal; and so on. Its important to be consistent and follow through with your plan in all of these situations. You will see more specific tips that really fall under the category of discipline throughout other chapters in the book. But the message remains the same: have a plan and stick to it. The take-home message: being a parent is not a popular job. You will not always be your childs friend or buddy. View the screaming, whining, and tantrums as signs that you are doing your job as an effective parent. And yes, at some point in your childs life, she will say the dreaded words, I hate you. Thats because you are doing something to protect her by setting a limit she dislikes. Thats okay. Your child will always love you, no matter what. And she will thank you someday for guiding her to become the best person she can be.If you let your toddler call the shots, you will be in trouble down the road. The offenses that your toddler has right now may seem minor. But the lack of limits may come back to haunt youas your child gets older, the stakes will be higher.When your child demands candy in the grocery store checkout line, are you going to give in just to keep the peace? And when your teen asks for the car keys to go to a party where the kids are drinking underage, are you going to hand them over? These are two sides of the same discipline coin.Ultimately, discipline is all about learning personal responsibility. Children need to learn that there are natural consequences for their behavior. Their behavior impacts them and others. Lets face it, thats what the real world is like. If we act like jerks at work, our co-workers dont want to help out with a project and the Boss wont put up with itwe might just lose that job. Unlike the relationship with Mom and Dad, the Boss does not have unconditional love for her staff. And when a child behaves poorly, he should see (in a safe way) the natural consequences of his actions. Q. I hate to admit it, but my toddler is driving me nuts! Why do I feel this way? Welcome to the club. This phase in your childs life can be very challenging. His job is to try to be independent. Your job is to set limits on his behaviors. As you might guess, those two occupations are in direct conflict.But there is good news: after the toddler phase, you enter the blissful I Want To Please You zone. This happens around four or five years of agego ahead and put that in your calendar to look forward to! From there, you get about six years of good behavior before the teen years start... and then the water gets choppy once again. The good news: as parents of teens, we can tell you that the toddler years are most challenging. If you survive parenthood over the next few years, you can handle anything!But back to the present tense and those toddler years. If you are spending more time being annoyed with your child than being happy with him, its time to take a step back and look at the situation. Think about what is working and what is not. Actively try to modify your approach. Pretend you are a fly on the wall in your living room and listen to your interactions with your child. If you think your family would qualify to be on Supernanny its time to change your tactics. Q. When should we start to discipline our child? Now.Heres the bottom line: children can respond to discipline techniques by nine months of age. Thats about the time they start testing the waters with you to see if they can get away with activities you have already said no to. You know the drillyour child cruises over to the coffee table and throws the remote control at the dog. But before he does it, he turns his head and looks over at you with a devilish grin on his face. Thats because youve already told him, ten times, this is not okay.If you have seen this played out in your living room, you know that your child cannot plead insanity to this offense. It was pre-meditated. And if your child is smart enough to figure out this human behavior, he is more than ready to be disciplined for it.There are different discipline techniques that work for different age groups, and we will talk about a variety of strategies as you read on. Q. When do the Terrible Twos start? Any time now!Youve heard all the stories of the Terrible Twos from other parents. What no one tells you, however, is the Terrible Twos may start closer to your childs FIRST BIRTHDAY, not at midnight of your childs second birthday. That leaves many parents shocked and unprepared for the events to come. The phrase Terrible Twos simply refers to the point in your toddlers life when he begins seeking independence and control and gets frustrated when he does not get his way. It is a normal part of your childs development. Ignore the age reference.Funny but true story: I had a patients mom call me because her previously well-behaved 18 month old had a fit while they were at the grocery store. She was truly concerned that there was something medically wrong with her daughter. She had no idea this was normal. Now, several tantrums later, this mom is an expert at navigating shopping trips.The take home message: be prepared for this new phase. Yes, youve reached that time where your kid behaves so poorly that you are embarrassed to take her out in public. Or claim her as one of yours.To get through this ugly phase, its time to change your perspective. As Dr. T. Berry Brazelton would say, toddlers are simply making a Declaration of Independence. (Dr. Brazelton views every situation as the cup is half-full). And knowing why your child is acting like this helps you know how to respond to it. Q. When do the Terrible Twos end? When they leave for college.Okay, its not that bad. But this phase can last for a long time, so dont be surprised by that. Some childrens behavior will settle down by age three. Some kids will torture their parents for an extra year and improve by age four. Just think of it this way, the Terrible Twos will give you a lot of practice for when your child becomes a teenager! The behaviors are strangely similar (and both phases are in the name of independence).Since this is a long time to endure, and there arent any toddler boarding schools that we know of, you will need to have a consistent management plan with all caregivers (parents, grandparents, babysitters) to survive the next couple of years. BOTTOM LINE Consistency is the key to making a discipline plan work. If there is an adult (a.k.a. the Softy) who ignores a behavior that other adults reprimand, the behavior will continue. Dr Bs Opinion Remember, you are planting the seeds of discipline. Dont expect a tree to grow overnight. You wont see the fruits of your labor for a very long time! Parenting Style Q. Are there different philosophies when it comes to discipline? Yes, there are basically three schools of thought. ( Briggs DC). Although you may naturally gravitate to one or more of these styles in a given situation, its a good idea to take a more critical look at what you are doing. Dictatorship (a.k.a. Authoritarian Parent). Parents value absolute power in this household. They use negative forms of discipline like physical punishment or taking away privileges for poor behavior. The beatings will continue until you behave. This is the 1950s mentality of parenting. Father knows best, right? Most experts do not recommend this approach as it breaks the horse and its spirit. Bottom line result: Kids have poor self-esteem and poor relationships. Anarchy (a.k.a. Permissive Parent). Parents prioritize free thinking and self expression. They give children too many choices and thus, give the power to the child. Do whatever you want, honey. This is the 1970s free love approach to parenting. Are you sure you want your three-year old going to Woodstock? Most experts do not recommend this approach, as it does not teach children to have boundaries. And lets face it, the real world has boundaries. Bottom line: Kids lack self-discipline and cause trouble. Democracy (a.k.a. Authoritative Parent). Parents value mutual respect. They encourage cooperation by listening to their kids. Kids feel like they share power and have a vested interest in working within their boundaries. I respect your ideas. Lets figure out a way to make this work and well both be happy. As you can probably tell, this is the style that most experts recommend. Make your home a democratic society and everyone wins. Actually, in the real world, most parents dont run their households as democraciesthey are more like constitutional monarchies. That is, there is democratic feedback up to a point... and then King and Queen have final say! Bottom line: Kids have high self-esteem and self-discipline. Q. My spouse and I argue about handling situations with our toddler. Help! You and your partner have had a year to develop your approach child rearing and parenthood. Doubtless, you and your partner have gotten to know each other more than you did before. A friend once said, Youre not really married until you have children. Youve probably had your share of discussions about whose approach is right. These discussions are healthy for both your marriage and your toddler. Have these meetings on a regular basisnot just when one of you is feeling frustrated. We suggest these meetings take place without your child around.While we wont take sides on which parent is the winner, we do have some tips to help you meet eye to eye. 1. Figure out what works and roll with it. What intervention produces the desired outcome you are trying to achieve? Fine-tune that strategy as your child grows (and catches on to you). 2. Listen to your partners advice. Sometimes you need a bit of distance to get a fresh perspective on a parenting dilemma. A spouse that works outside the home may be able to offer a good solution to a toddler challenge. Reflect upon your partners constructive criticism, learn, and perhaps try a new approach. 3. Be consistent. Arrive at decisions you are both happy with and implement them consistently.A few caveats: blended families have more complex issues with parenting styles, as there are more parents in the mix. It will be harder to come to a unified plan, but try to take the emotional piece out of it for your childs sake. Single parent households rely on other relatives or friends for parenting advice and help. Whatever your family situation is, its always a good idea to take a step back periodically and look at your parenting techniques in an objective way. Q. We are divorced. How do both parents (and stepparents) enforce a consistent discipline plan? For the sake of your child(ren), rise above your own problems getting along. If you must, get a mediator like a social worker or counselor to help you accomplish this. Inconsistent messages leave a child confused andrebellious. Come up with a plan you can agree oneven if it is just a few major offenses that everyone decides should be disciplined. Q. When it comes to parenting, my husband and I are in agreement. How do I convince my mother/mother-in-law to follow our approach? You dont. Our parents have their own ideas of how to raise kids (that is, their way). And their parents did the same thing to them. But lets face itour parents must have done something right. We turned out okay, didnt we? You may find a few of their parenting strategies actually work. Respect their opinions, but follow your own instincts.Here are some suggestions to keep the peace: 1. House rules are universal. There are some rules that should never be broken, regardless of which adults are around. These involve safety or health hazards. For example: your child will always ride buckled up in a car seat. 2. Grandparents are special. Grandparents let grandkids do things they cant get away with at home. Your childs relationship with you will always be different. We know you feel like the heavy because you are trying to enforce the rules. When you get back to your house, remind your toddler that the usual rules are back in effect. 3. Look at the big picture. While it is important to enforce house rules on some things, others are not nearly as critical in the grand scheme of things. An extra snack or a slightly later bed time is not a big deal. 4. Tell them your doctor suggested it. Kids havent changed in the past thirty years, but what we have learned about them has. It is hard for you to explain that to grandparents, so feel free to say that you are following your doctors advice on whatever topic you are discussing. Or, buy an extra copy of this book for them!If a grandmother is serving as your childs caretaker while you are at work, its a touchy issue to ask her to follow your discipline style (especially if your viewpoints differ!)We realize you are treading on thin ice because you are indebted to your mother for taking care of your child. And its extremely difficult not to put your mom or mother-in-law on the defensive. Tell your mom, I need your help in managing my childs behaviors. She seems to respond to these (fill in blank) approaches. What are you seeing when she is with you? This should help open up the discussion, make her feel like you value her opinion, and not put the blame on her. Then, close with your sales pitch: Lets try these approaches when she is with both of us and see if her behavior improves.Getting her a gift certificate to a day spa will also go a long way! Discipline Nuts and Bolts Before we delve into the 20 Commandments of Discipline, Intervention 411, and the Time-Out Primer (see later in this section), we need to go over some basic child psychology first.The six tips below will enable you to see how your child interprets your actions and help you effectively connect with your small fry. (Davis L.) Reward Good Behavior. Do you remember learning about Pavlovs drooling dogs in high school? Pavlov trained his dogs to drool when they heard the dinner bell ringing. The dogs associated the bell noise with food because Pavlov consistently fed them after ringing the bell. Heres how it equates to human behavior: if you praise your child (positive reward) every time he cleans up his toys, hes more likely to clean up his toys. You can give artificial rewards like praise, stickers, or special activities with mom or dad until your child clues into the natural reward for good behavior: a sense of accomplishment. Avoid Rewarding Bad Behavior. Parents unknowingly reinforce behaviors that they want to stop. For example: your toddler has nightly tantrums when you are trying to cook dinner. You respond by leaving the kitchen and screaming back at him. In your childs view: mission accomplished. He got your attention, which was exactly what he wanted. Even though it was negative (your screaming), it was attention (a valuable reward). Check mate. The same scenario applies to sleep issues. If your child protests every night until you bring him into your bed, youve just rewarded the behavior you want to stop. The child learns that if he protests, he gets a ticket to your bed. More on this in Chapter 8, Sleep. Limit Setting . Setting limits shows your child how far he can go with his behavior. Sounds cruel? Not reallyyou are letting your child explore and experience the world... but in a way that is safe for himself and others around him. Of course, limits may be both physical and verbal. One and two-year-olds may need physical limits (putting the potted plant out of reach, for example). With three and four-year-olds, words should be enough (Dont touch that plant, honey). Active Listening . This is more than inserting a few uh-huhs into a conversation with your child. You take the time to listen and actively move the conversations direction. Dont just jump in with your commentaryyou are validating someones feelings and opinions when you actively listen.It works wonders with your child (and with your spouse). With toddlers, you give them the words to express themselves. With preschoolers, you can get them to really open up and tell you more of what is on their minds. Heres an example:Pretend you are a sportscaster describing a sporting event to the TV audience. If your one to three-year-old is frustrated, say, It looks like youre really mad. It looks like you are having trouble with that puzzle. With a four-year-old child, you can pretend to be a journalist and ask who, what, when, where and why questions if your child is upset about something. The goal is to avoid lecturing your child at every moment. Problem Ownership. This isnt a bad real estate investment. Were talking about avoiding the blame game. Instead of accusing your child of making a mess (and having her react defensively), consider approaching the problem more diplomatically, giving her an opportunity to own up to the problem and help solve it. For example, dont say, YOUR playroom is a mess. Clean it up. Instead, say, I have a problem with the messy playroom. Lets clean it up together I Messages . Nope, its not some new text messaging system from Apple. Its another way to prevent your child from feeling he is to blame for your frustration. Use the word I to start a sentence instead of saying You. For example, dont say, You made us late for preschool again. Instead say, I need you to help me get moving in the morning so we dont miss school. Insider Secret: Discipline and intellectual development To implement an effective discipline strategy, you should be realistic about what your child understands. This will make more sense as you read through common discipline struggles later in this chapter. But here is an example: when you say, Be nice, your 15 month old may not understand what nice means. You have to demonstrate what you mean by nice, like showing her how to pet the cat instead of grabbing his tail.Another point: You cant just tell a child to quit an ugly behavior and expect him to stop doing it. Your child may be acting that way because it is the only way he knows how to get your attention or play with another child. You may need to show him HOW to appropriately approach a social situation. To get the attention of a potential playmate, a toddler might simply bite the other childs arm. Besides saying, You bit that child and hurt him, you also need to say, Did you want to play with him? This is what you can do next time Specific Strategies: The 20 Commandments Of Toddler Discipline! You cant say we dont give you value here at Toddler 411. Here are 20 commandments (suggestions, really) for toddler discipline. Sadly, your child didnt get the memo on this and cant read yet, so its up to you to spread the word.These strategies are applicable to all discipline moments. Whether its running in the street or negotiating about bedtime, the underlying issue is usually the same. And the strategies work across the board. See later in the chapter for specific ways to apply these gems.1 Use a prevent defense . Apologies for the football clich, but this one is easy. Make your house kid-friendly and be realistic about your expectations. If you take your Swarovski crystal figurine collection off the coffee table, your toddler wont be tempted to fling it at the TV set. If the family is eating out, go early so you wont have to wait for a table.2 Dont back down to avoid conflict. We all hate conflict. No one wants to be the party pooper. But you cannot give in merely to avoid having a showdown in the grocery store aisle. If you decide that your child cannot have the sugar-coated cereal he saw on TV, stick to your guns. Later, youll be happy you did.3 Anticipate conflicts. There are certain times of the day and certain events that are always going to bring about bad behaviors. Prime suspect #1: transitions from one activity to the next (going to bed, stopping play to eat dinner, etc). Give your child a heads up so she is more prepared to make a transition. Five minutes and we will be having dinner, Boo Boo.4 Anticipate attention-seeking behavior. Yes, your little angel will act up when your attention is diverted (making dinner, talking on the phone, nursing a baby, etc). Prepare for this by providing your toddler with some entertainment (a favorite toy, a quick snack, etc). True story: my son ate dog food once while I was answering a patient call. Take home lesson: if you dont provide something for your toddler to do when you are busy, he will... and the results may not be pretty.5 Act immediately. Dont wait to discipline your child. He wont remember why he is in trouble more than five minutes after he did the dirty deed.6 Be consistent. This is the key to any discipline plan. When your child knows what is in store when he pulls on the cats tail, he will stop doing it. But be aware that it may take numerous lessons to eliminate that undesirable behavior.7 Pick your battles. Saying No twenty times a day loses its effectiveness. Prioritize behaviors into large ones, medium ones, and those too insignificant to bother with. In Starbucks terms, there are toddler Venti, Grande, and Tall screw-ups.8 Make your comments short and sweet. Speak in short sentences, such as No hitting. This is much more effective than, Chaz, you know its not nice to hit the dog. Believe us, you lost Chaz right after you know.:9 Focus on the behavior, not the child. Be sure to state that a particular behavior is bad. NEVER tell your child that HE is bad.10 Remind your child that you love her. Its always good form to end your discussion with a positive comment. This shows your child you are ready to move on and not dwell on the problem. It also reinforces the reason you are setting limitsbecause you love her.11 Dont yell. But change your voice. Its not the volume but the tone of your voice that gets your point across. Remember The Godfather? He never needed to yell.12 Show respect. Use active listening and dont interrupt. And whatever you do, dont laugh.13 Be a good role model. If you are calm under pressure, your child will take the cue. And if you have a temper tantrum when you are upset, expect that your child will do the same. Hes watching you, always watching.14 Catch your child being good. Praising good behavior reduces the amount of attention-seeking bad behavior that you will see. Think of praise as fertilizer for that super-ego.15 Use age-appropriate and temperament-appropriate techniques. No matter how much advice we give you, you have to tailor it to your own child. And what worked at 15 months wont work when your child is two. Hes read your play books and watched the films. You have to adjust your strategy over time.16 Dont treat your child like an adult. Your child really doesnt want to hear a lecture from you. Nor does he understand it. Much as you would like to have a man-to-man talk, so to speak, it wont work; so dont waste your time or energy. But toddlers do understand consequences. Next time your toddler throws his spaghetti on the wall, dont break into the You Cant Throw Your Food lecture. Calmly evict him from the kitchen for the night. (See more about Cause and Effect in the section below.)17 Lower your expectations. A lot of parent frustration stems from setting the bar too high. If you expect less from your child, youll be pleasantly surprised when you get more. Read the Development section beginning with Chapter 3, Milestones.18 Take emotion out of the equation. We give kudos to Dr. Thomas Phelan, author of the book, 1-2-3 Magic for pointing out parents two biggest mistakes: Too much talking, too much emotion. Your kids enjoy the fight. If your toddler can get you to raise your voice and stomp your feet, he has just won Round One. The less you react and talk during an intervention, the better. (It feels really empowering, by the way, when you dont get sucked inprobably because your blood pressure isnt sky high).19 Dont negotiate or make false promises. This isnt Capitol Hill, its your living room. Avoid hearing yourself say, If you behave, I will buy you that doll you want. Wed never suggest that you resort to this tactic. Otherwise, youll create a three-year old whose good behavior will always come with a price tag. Think Veruca Salt from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory.20 Remember to take a step back. Dont get sucked into the vortex. Instead, take a longer view of what is happening. Youll have a better idea of what manipulative behaviors your child is using and get a fresh perspective on how to change your approach. The Category 5 Tantrum Just for fun, as parents of a toddler, we rated our sons temper tantrums using the Saffir-Simpson scale for measuring hurricanes. Hence, there were minor episodes at toy stores when he didnt want to leave... these were your tropical storms and Category 1 tantrums. And yes, there were the more rare, yet far more intensive Category 5 melt-downsyou know, like Hurricane Katrina.So, heres a true Fields story of a Cat 5 tantrum: we took our oldest son to a model train show when he was 18 months old. He loved Thomas the Tank Engine, so we knew the show would be right up his alley... until it was time to leave. We figured wed visit the show in the afternoon about an hour or so before it closed. That way, wed have an excuse to leave. And dutifully, after an hour of non-stop train fun, we reported to our toddler that it was time to go.Thats when it happened. The Category 5. Our wonderful angel started screaming from the time we walked out the front door and didnt stop for an hour. Yes, a whole hour. As we sat there in a parked car, we realized we needed to leave the vehicle and let him scream it out. So there we were, standing outside our car as our child wailed and wailed.So, how did it end? He exhausted himself and fell asleep. His mom and dad, however, needed some serious cocktails. Toddler Intervention 411 What happens if your toddler breaks a rule? Yes, you too can have an intervention right in your own family room. Heres how to play the board game at home. Ignore. If its not a major infraction, ignore the behavior. If your child doesnt get a rise out of you, she will stop doing it. For example, your child screams whenever you read your email. Either ignore the screaming, or check email after Junior goes to bed. Redirect. Move your child to a different activity. Kids will repeat the inappropriate behavior to see if they can get away with it. Often, it takes several times and consistent redirection of the same misbehavior to eliminate it. Dont give up. For example, your child unrolls the entire toilet paper roll for the tenth time today. Calmly move your child out of the bathroom and close the door. Use humor. It works beautifully with power struggles. Instead of digging in your heels and holding your ground, change to an upbeat approach. Your child will do the same. For example, your child refuses to eat his peas... so pretend you are going to eat his share if he doesnt. Time out. Yes, it really works. Call it The Naughty Room, Solitary Confinement, The Penalty Box, or whatever you like, but here is the premise. Your child is removed from his play and must sit out for a period of timewithout your attention. Losing attention from you is the most effective way to get your message across. Your child gets docked one minute for every year of age. Kids under age two rarely sit in a corner or in a chair. They are on the floor kicking and screaming. Thats fine, just make the time out location a safe one. Time out is reserved for particularly inappropriate behaviors and it should be used every time that behavior occurs. For example, your child takes a bite out of his friends arm. He goes immediately to Time Out City. More details on time out to come (see section below). Positive Reinforcement. Children thrive on attention from their parents. Although they prefer positive attention (hugs and praise), theyll also accept negative attention (screaming and yelling). Heck, theyll take what they can get. So, if you praise your child for good behavior, youll see more of it. For example, your child cleans up his toys because he gets big hugs from you when he does it. Give choices. Choices make a child feel he has a voteremember the democratic parenting style? Just make the options all the things you want to accomplish. And be careful to avoid giving too many options to kids. They get overwhelmed, just like I do when we go outlet shopping. For example, you have a choiceyou can put your shoes on first. Or your coat. Teach consequences. Your child should learn the natural consequences of the behavior he choosesotherwise known as Cause and Effect. Instead of getting into a power struggle, let your child pick the consequences of his actions. For example, if your child insists on picking out his pajamas (which may take an eternity), then he is choosing not to read books before bed. Cause: Prolonged PJ choosing = Effect: No time to read. Next time, he will make his PJ selection more quickly or let you pick them out. Spanking Q. Is it okay to spank my child? Many parents recall being threatened or actually spanked in their childhood. Weve all heard these phrases come out of our own parents mouths.Just wait until your father gets home.Im getting the soap to wash your mouth out.Ill take out my belt if you dont behave.While most of us turned out okay despite corporal punishment, child development experts do not recommend regularly beating your child into submission. There are many more effective ways to get your message across. You are your childs role model. So if you think about it, using physical force is the least desirable behavior that you want your child to imitate (for example, spanking your child for hitting or kicking you is only reinforcing the message that its okay to express your frustration by force.)A study published in Pediatrics in 2010 supports this theory. The study looked at about 2500 kids who were spanked at three years of age. At age five, the spanked group showed a whopping 50% more aggressive behavior than the non-corporal punishment group.Of course, one might argue this is a chicken or the egg dilemma. In other words, do already aggressive kids get spanked more often? The study authors say they accounted for that question. But they did report that parents tended to spank children who were considered to be more defiant and easily frustrated.When a child is defiant, it really means he is seeking independence and control. When a child is easily frustrated it means he needs help solving a problem. Getting a spanking for trying to find your place in the world teaches just one thingFEAR. It teaches a child that his parent will hurt him to keep him in line. It doesnt teach the child why the line is there (the natural consequence for behavior that goes unchecked), or an alternative solution to a situation (problem-solving skills).The bottom line: raising children is the toughest (and most satisfying) job you will ever have. Take the time to learn why your child is acting this way instead of resorting to a poor parenting choice.So, the next time you think about spanking your childplease consider what you want your child to learn from your behavior. We know you may be tempted at times, but remember that you are the grown-up. Dont resort to acting like a child. Feedback from the Real World One of the best quotes Ive heard about school discipline came from my sons kindergarten teacher. If Im doing my job, I dont have to discipline them! Reality Check: When you lose your cool You cannot be a good role model if you have a temper tantrum yourself. If you feel like you have lost control of the situation, take a step back, take a deep cleansing breath, and then return to the issue at hand once you have calmed down. Dr Bs Opinion Time out is time away from you. It doesnt matter where your child is during the time out as long as she is not getting any of your attention. In fact, you can put yourself in time out by moving away from her! It works just as well in reverse. Sticker Charts, Kitchen Timers, and Time Out Q. Do sticker charts work? Sticker charts and other reward systems give kids an incentive (positive artificial reinforcement) to perform certain behaviors or not perform others. Use a chart to track your childs success in accomplishing his goals. This gives you and your child a good visual way to assess progress.So, how can you make a sticker chart work for you and your toddler? Here the details: 1. Post the chart someplace visible. It is meant to be a constant reminder. For example, post a chart in a playroom to encourage a toddler to clean up his toys. 2. Focus on one behavior for each chart. For example, your child gets a sticker each time he cleans up his toys. That may earn him more than one sticker a day. 3. Cash in for larger incentives . When your child collects three stickers, he gets to do a special activity with Mom or Dad (like going to the library). 4. For a limited time only. Use the chart for two to four weeks at the most. It loses its novelty after that. Next, move on to natural reinforcements (your toddler should be proud of his accomplishment). Q. Can I give my child an allowance and use it the same way as a sticker chart? A child who is school aged may respond to having an allowance that is dependent on good behavior, but dont back yourself into a corner. Remember, you dont want a child who only performs well for a price.And if you choose to give your child an allowance, dont make household chores part of the bargain. Your child should do these without being paid! Being part of a family means ALL members must do chores...no payment required.For kids under age five, having an allowance will not get you very far because they have no concept of the value of money. They are simply collecting pretty coins. Stickers are much cheaper! Q. A friend suggested that I use a kitchen timer for discipline. What do you think? Kitchen timers are a great way to redirect your childs anger away from you. Your child can scream at the timer all he wants and it wont flinch. It makes the disciplining moment more diplomatic. You can set the timer for your childs time out. When the timer goes off, he knows he is done.Also, use the timer when your child is having trouble sharing a toy with another toddler. Each child can have a few minutes with the toy and when the timer goes off, its time to hand it over. The timer can be set for other transitions as well. For example, your child he has to get ready for bed when the timer goes off. Feedback from the Real World A kitchen timer is a great way to encourage your child to play independently while you get dinner ready. Explain to your child that you will play together when the timer goes off. (In a minute loses its meaning when its really ten minutesand toddlers cannot keep time anyway.) New Parent 411:The Time-Out Primer Time out is a tried and true technique that really works if it is done correctly and consistently. Just like any other discipline strategy, it will need to be implemented several times to be effective. Of course, we realize parents have many questions on how to do time outs. Well answer some of the questions below. However, remember there is no one correct way to approach time out. The only requirement is consistency. Heres a Q&A: At what age can we start doing time out? Around nine months of age. Time outs can begin as soon as your child understands his actions and behaviors. How long do I put my child in time out? The general rule of thumb: one minute for every year of age. Where should I put my child in time out? Your child needs to be someplace where he cannot get hurt if he throws a fit (which he probably will). Popular locations are the dining room, guest bedroom, and even the utility room if its clean. Is my childs crib or his room an acceptable place? There is some disagreement here about the answer to this one. Some experts feel that the crib or a childs room is his safety zone and he should NOT go there to be punished. Others feel that the purpose of time out is to be removed from the location that the child currently is inso any place in the house is okay. Can my child have toys to play with during time out? Again, theres some wiggle room here. Purists argue that time out is punishment and kids need to do solitary confinement without entertainment. Others contend that time out is a way to blow off steam. Moving a child away from the parent is punishment enough... even if a child is playing with a toy during time out. Can I be in the time out room with her? While its preferable to have the child be alone, sometimes it is not practical. If you must be in the room with the child, do not pay any attention to her for the duration of the time out. For certain situations, you may need to have the child restrained on your lap, facing away from you for the time out. Ive tried time out and it doesnt seem to work. Does she really care? Yes, she cares. Shes just acting like she doesnt. Its a clever kid strategy (adults do it too). Dont let her fool you. It takes about twenty times to sink in, thats all. Kids will continually test the limits to see if they can wear you down. Just keep plowing ahead in a calm and consistent way. My child destroys her room when she goes to time out. Help! Either try a different location or remove any objects she can throw. You can leave the mess for her to clean up later. Thats a natural consequence of the destructive behavior she has selected. My child never stays put in time out. What should I do? The childs age, size, and strength will determine how to manage this one. You are allowed to put a safety gate on the door or even lock the door to the room your child is in. Its only a few minutes. Alternatively, you can be in the room where your child is to ensure he stays put as long as you dont pay attention to him. Should I put my child in time out for a tantrum? Your child has put himself into time out if he resorts to a tantrum. He is no longer communicating with you. (Well discuss more on this below.) You can ignore the tantrum and in effect, create a time out wherever the tantrum is occurring. Alternatively, with a three or four year old child, he can be excused to his room until he can pull himself together. Say, I see you are having a tantrum right now and you know that is not okay. Let me know when you are done. Then, calmly walk away. If my child has a tantrum in time out, do I start the count after she settles down? Many kids will have tantrums when they are put in time out. And the tantrums can outlast the length of the time out. Once the allotted time has expired, you can tell your child time out is over. If he needs more time to settle down, he can remain in the time out place until he is settled, with freedom to leave at any time. Is there a time out equivalent if we are out in public? This ones always a challenge and kids know it! Yes, you need to discipline your child even if its in front of the entire world. Find an acceptable place, like your car and institute the time out in a timely manner. Waiting until you get home ruins the effectiveness. Given how my toddler acts, I fear she will be in time out all day. Is this all right? No. Time out is reserved for absolutely unacceptable behavior. That usually means something that will endanger your child or somebody else. You have to make the call. There are other methods of discipline that work well for ugly, but less serious offenseswell discuss that shortly. Dr Bs Opinion: Temper Tantrums Tantrums are a way for a child to blow off steam. Just make sure your child is in a safe location to let loose (a padded cell perhaps... just kidding!) Let the tantrum happen and then let your child recollect herself and rejoin the family when she is done. It is not a form of communicationunless you validate the behavior by responding to it. Pop Quiz! Test your toddler discipline smarts Now that youre a discipline pro, put your skills to the test. Here are some classic disciplinary challenges, and what to do about them. Weve taken our 20 discipline commandments and seven intervention strategies and applied them to real situations. Youll encounter many of these fun scenarios over the next three years, but every child is on his own timeline. Just check back to this chapter from time to time when you feel like turning in your license to parent. Power Struggles 1. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde: (angel in public and terror at home) Be thankful she has a wonderful public persona. People will think you are a terrific parent (which you are) for having such a well-behaved child.Heres what is happening in grown up terms: You have a terrible day at workyou lost an important client, have to work late on a project, and to top it offyou didnt eat lunch. When you get home at the end of the day, you pick a fight with your spouse. Its not your spouses fault, but youve held it together all day and you cant help but unload on the person you love the most. So... when your child has a terrible day at preschool, be prepared. And be flattered that she loves you the most.Another reason kids turn into Mr. Hyde around parents is the difference in how we respond to them. Children learn quickly what their parents buttons are and how to push them. They know they cant get away with nearly as many things at preschool because the teacher simply will not put up with it. Teaching Moment: Act more like a preschool teacher. Set up the house rules and then abide by them. (Kids act out when they know their behavior changes your mind.)Be a good listenerand a good hugger. Thats what makes you feel better when youve had a bad day, right?If your child is having a full-blown tantrum, let her get it out of her system before attempting a conversation. You can take some deep cleansing breaths while you patiently wait for the storm to pass.To a one to two year old, say, It seems like you had a bad day. Lets go play together (that is, move on).To a three to four year old, say, Did you have a bad day? Do you want to tell me about it? 2. The Breath-holder: (Holding breath during tantrums) Some kids will hold their breath when they get angry. Parents usually worry that something dire will happen as a result (and so they give in to whatever the child demands). Dont worry. At worst, he will faint. If your child holds his breath long enough, he will lose consciousness and start breathing spontaneously. This sounds really cruel, but a Breath-Holding Spell is potent ammunition for a little kid to get his way. Teaching Moment: If you want to win the battle, you cannot give in. Follow through with your plan.If your child passes out, so be it. Just make sure to catch him before his head hits the coffee table! Insider Tip If your child has numerous breath-holding spells, check in with your doctor. Believe it or not, this can be related to iron-deficiency anemia. 3. Stubborn as a mule: (Picking your battles) You will have to decide what are important issues to you and your child. Remember you are planting those seeds of discipline. While it may seem easier to avoid conflict than take these issues on, you will pay for your approach later when the stakes are higher. Planting those seeds will prepare you for the day you hear, Why cant I shave my head? All my friends are doing it!or worse. Here are some classic toddler battlefronts: Teaching Moment: Tooth brushing. Not negotiable. Cavities are expensive and unpleasant. Just do it. Diaper changing. Changing a wet diaper while your toddler is standing up instead of sitting may be negotiable (depending on your diaper changing skills). Changing a poopy diaper standing up is not negotiable. Offer a special toy to play with that is only available during poopy diaper changes. Taking medicine. Not negotiable. Say, If you cant take your medicine, you will feel bad/not get to play/ or worst of allyou could need a shot! See Appendix A, Medicines for more sneaky ideas too. Worst-case scenario: one adult holds the child securely and the other gives the medicine. If you need to, you can hold your childs nose to get him to open his mouth. Yes, it can be a real painespecially if the medication needs to be given three times a day for a week or two! But if you always follow through, your child will stop protesting. (Ask your childs doc for a once a day medication if you have a particularly stubborn toddler.)The common thread to all of these scenarios is that you must do all of these activities, as ugly as they are. And when your child realizes that you mean business, he will eventually give in. 4. Babe Ruth: (the slugger) At some point, your toddler may hit you and then laugh about it. Many parents are tempted to hit back. Resist the temptation. You also shouldnt hit back if your toddler lashes out at you when he is having a tantrum. Teaching Moment: If you can predict when the hitting is going to occur, steer clear! If youve just been hit, move your child away from you so he is no longer in striking distance.Sternly but calmly say, NO hitting. Put your child in a safe place, away from you. He learns that hitting will lose your attention, not gain it. You win. Getting beyond NO! Here are some other tips to get beyond No! and Mine! These work well for three to four year olds: 1. Clarify the problem. Use I messages and active listening. I see that you and Parker are having a problem sharing the toy. 2. Define the problem. What do you need? 3. Problem ownership. You both want a turn. How can we solve this? 4. Neutral zone. Ill hold onto the toy until you decide what to do. 5. Brainstorm. What do you think is fair? 6. Make a plan. Lets listen to both of your ideas. 7. Action. You get the toy for five minutes. Parker gets the toy when the timer goes off. 8. Feedback. You did a great job sharing.(Dillon, S) Reality Check For any ugly behavior, it will take about 20 times for your discipline technique to sink in. Most parents think they are taking the wrong approach because they dont see immediate results. Be consistent and have faith it will work! 5. The Biter. Yes, its embarrassing to be labeled as Draculas mother. But toddlers bite or hit as a form of communication. They express themselves physically because their language skills are poor. They bite or hit to show they are frustrated, confronted, or simply looking for attention.Put yourself in your toddlers shoes. The whole world is bigger than you. You understand what people are saying to you, but you cant talk back. You think people can read your mind. You want complete independence. So when another child takes away the toy you wanted to play with, how would you respond? Hitting, biting, and kicking are survival of the fittest tactics and they are a normal part of child development. Teaching Moment: Dont bite back. Remember, you are the grown up. Your child watches you as her role model. If you are the one bitten, remove your child from your body. Calmly and sternly say, No biting. Time out. Short and sweetno lectures. She gets a minute for each year of age. Play man-to-man defense. Whenever your child is playing with other children, you need to be your childs shadow. Catch up with your friends later. When your child is a biter, you dont have time to socialize. That way, you can prevent the biting from happening. Automatic time out. If your child takes a bite out of a friend, offer to pay the doctors bill (well, at least apologize profusely). Then immediately remove your child from the situation and implement a time out. She may return to play afterwards. If she bites again, go home. It teaches consequences for the behavior. Take a closer look. Many times, kids will only bite or hit at daycare when they are feeling threatened or forced to defend their territory (that is, toys). So, when the daycare personnel suggest to a parent to discuss biting with their child at home, it is often futile since that is not where the behavior is occurring. If you are going through this, do an observation at school to see what is happening. There may not be enough supervision of the biting child. Caregivers need to pay closer attention to the physically aggressive kid to head them off at the pass. And dont forget to be consistent! Biting is ALWAYS disciplined, no matter what the time or scene of the crime. Drawing a line in the sand If you have decided that something is not negotiable, make sure you a) have the determination to follow through and b) havent backed yourself into a corner. In this case, the corner turned out to be a bathroom.One family, who will remain nameless, shared this story of a father versus a strong willed two-year old. Heres the overview: The battle: Taking an antibiotic. Guess who wins? Scenario: The child refuses to take her morning dose of medicine. Dad: Decides this is not negotiable (You go, Dad). Discipline strategy: Dad decides that he and the child will stay in the bathroom until child takes the medicine. (Thats a fine idea unless you have a really smart, strong willed toddler). Child: Instead of deciding that the bathroom is boring and seeing the light....she decides she will just play in the bathroom with nothing more than her imagination until lunchtime. Dad: Misses half a day of work in the name of drawing the line in the sand. (Well, we like that he followed through, but perhaps a different strategy would have gotten him out of the bathroom and to work sooner. And he had finished reading the newspaper and his Diet Coke after the first hour.)One thing I learned early on in medical school while studying psychology is never to put the patient between you and the door. That way, if the patient gets out of control, you have an exit strategy. This dad had no exit strategy. If he let her out of the bathroom, she won the battle.We are all about giving choices, and teaching consequences (like not being able to go to preschool until she takes her medicine). But at the end of the day, if something is truly not negotiable, you open the childs mouth and shoot the medicine ineven if there is a protest. Because.this child needed 18 more doses of that antibiotic! 6. The Bossnot Bruce Springsteen: (its her way or the highway!) This probably describes just about every toddler. Disciplining this behavior is a fine balancing act between fostering your childs independence and self-confidence... and staying in charge. Note to self: you are not your childs buddy. Thus, there are times when you have to put your foot down. The key to building your childs self-esteem: make him feel that his opinion counts.Bossy kids encounter problems at home and at preschool. They need to learn how to brainstorm and compromise to get along with their peers. The good news: bossy kids tend to have great leadership skills as adults! Teaching Moment: Be a good listener. While you may not implement the plan he has in mind, you respect him enough to listen.The Boss likes to win. (So does the Negotiatoranother character in our discipline hit parade.) As often as you can, let your child choose from a variety of options that are all what youd like him to do anyway. Example: We cant eat ice cream for breakfast, but do you want yogurt or bananas?Say, I like your idea. I like hearing what you have to say. That doesnt mean you have to follow through with it, though.At preschool, your child needs to learn that everyone gets to take a turn in choosing what to playand people wont want to play with you if they dont ever get a turn. Kids do a great job of policing each others behavior (because they simply wont put up with it) and your child will quickly learn this on the playground or in preschool/kindergarten when kids reject her for acting that way. But pointing this out to her will help her down that road.Before a playdate, pretend to have a playdate with your child. Model appropriate play skills (taking turns, asking for ideas, accepting others ideas). At the real playdate, you can remind her of the things you all practiced. After the playdate is over, discuss what went well and what didnt. Reality Check: Dont give in to avoid confrontation Some parents will go to extremes to avoid confrontation with the child who is the boss. Heres a story of one mom well call... Rapunzel. True to the name, this mom had long, beautiful hair. But being a mother of three children under age five, she often wore it up in a ponytail (because what mom has that much time to lavish on hair care in the morning?).Well, her toddler daughter decided she only liked moms hair loose. She would scream and protest every time mom wore a ponytail. You can guess where this is going... instead of putting her foot down, Rapunzel sacrificed some of her already few hours of precious sleep to do her hair every morning.Rapunzel had her fourth baby recently. She came into the office the other day sporting a very cute bob haircut. Shed donated her hair to Locks of Love. This was certainly one solution to the problem, but I might have suggested other alternatives. The take-home message: you should be able to decide how you want to wear your hair. And while this may seem like an extreme scenario, many of the concessions that parents make to keep the peace are equally as ludicrous. 7. The Power Play: (How Your Child Gets To Yes) Humans can be very manipulativeparticularly the littlest ones. Dont let their charm and cute cheeks beguile you. You will see these methods emerge in your two to four-year-old, and they will continue indefinitely (so get used to it). The Negotiator. Negotiate to get the upper hand. Lets make a deal. More on this below. The Temper Tantrum. Have a tantrum and watch the parents cave. Home version works; public version is even more powerful. Whining. Every child quickly figures out that raising his voice by an octave really gets under Mom and Dads skin. Check Mate. Engage the opponent (that would be Mom or Dad) and force a fight. When parents act like toddlers, the toddler wins! Power of Perseverance. Annoy parent until they give in just to shut you up. The Guilt Card . This works really well with working moms and single parents. The Sting. Set one parent up to unknowingly disagree with the one youve already asked. Teaching Moment: Your child may employ one or more of these clever tricks and resort to them time and again IF you cave and give in. Why wouldnt they? So, the persons behavior that needs to change is yours. Stop letting these tactics get to you and your child will stop using them! Well go over a few of these manipulative behaviors in more detail and how to deal with them below. 8. The Negotiator. Some preschoolers just have a knack for wearing down their parents to get what they want. When your child is on the high school debate team, it will be a blessing. Right now, it feels like a curse. If you find yourself giving in to your childs every whim, this section is for you. Frequently, parents give in because they are sick of hearing their child whine, or they want to avoid conflict. The path of least resistance is to let the kid have what he wants. Teaching Moment: Think about why your child is acting like this. She has figured out that this tactic works. She knows that you will give in to avoid the fight. Some things simply are not worth the time or energy to argue about (wearing mismatched socks, for example). But there are certain situations where you should stand your groundeven if it happens in public. Youll have to decide where to draw your line in the sand, but once you do, stick to it.If you see your child trying to make a deal with you, try using some humor to lighten the mood and move on.Negotiators like to win. Give them choices of all the things you want them to do anyway. Then you both win.Pick your battles. Sometimes you have to simply say, No. And stick to it! 9. The public tantrum. Parents are always bothered by their child acting up in public. And lets face it, these tantrums are embarrassing. No matter how hard you try, your toddler is going to throw a temper tantrum in public some day.Heres the truth about public tantrums: every other parent has been there and really doesnt think you are a bad parentthey are just relieved its not their kid making the noise!Most parents know when a tantrum is likely. Your child is tired, bored, hungry, you name it. And something little will set her off.Again, think about the world from your toddlers point of view. Kids realize they are smaller than most people in their world, so they need to be louder to be seen and heard. They want to be in charge, but cannot control when you plan to leave the grocery store... especially if there is a line at checkout.So what are they going to do to get what they want? You got itthey will yell! Teaching Moment: Walk away. We always tried to put a few feet between us and our screaming toddler in full melt-down mode. Yes, be prepared for well-meaning adults who think your child has been abandoned and needs to be comforted. Sometimes we wish we had portable orange safety cones we could set out by our child to warn off other adults. Stop what youre doing and leave. Even if it means you wont have anything for dinner because you have to leave the grocery store. Order in some pizza and go back tomorrow. Sometimes pulling the pin is the best course. An ounce of prevention. While all public tantrums cant be prevented, remember that you as a parent can sometimes push things over the edge. Example: too many errands. While it might be tempting to make just one more stop to pick up the dry cleaning, remember that the fuse on most toddlers who are hungry/tired/bored is very short. Get that cranky toddler home and do that last errand tomorrow. Ending Whining As We Know It Every child, at some point in his career, will resort to whining. Its as painful to listen to as nails being scratched on a chalkboard... and its effective because you just want the noise to stop.Our advice: be strong.If you respond to your child when he whines or has a tantrum, you have just validated this juvenile form of communication (remember unintentional reinforcement?). If you ignore it, it stops because your child realizes it doesnt work. Classic Situations 10. Trouble shifting gears: (making transitions) There is no question that some of your childs worst behaviors will occur as you are changing from one activity to the next. These are called transitions. When your child is playing, he wont want to stop to eat dinner. The same goes for transitioning from dinner to bath time, bath time to bedtime, and so on. Toddlers get focused and involved in a certain activity and dont want to stop (especially if it means going to bed for the night).If you havent experienced this yet, teachers have a real knack at mobilizing a group of children when we parents cant even get one child going. Here are a few things I learned when I was a preschool student teacher in college (besides parenthood, it was the most tiring job I ever had): Teaching Moment: First and foremost, do not get frustrated!Have realistic expectations of your childs ability to switch gears. If you know it will take ten minutes in the morning for your child to move from the breakfast table to the car seat to get to childcare, then give him ten minutes. Giving him only five minutes and then yelling at him will not make the process go any faster.Speaking of yellingresist the temptation. In fact, whispering or lowering your voice makes your child stop what he is doing to hear what you are saying to him.Get your childs attention by turning off the lights, or ringing the clean up bell.Get on your childs eye level and give him instructions.Give clear instructions. Say, Which toys should we clean up first? Choosing not to clean up is not one of the choices. They get to decide which toys go first, and you get the playroom cleaned up before dinner.Be consistent. Kids thrive on routines.Kitchen timers work very well for transitions. Set that kitchen timer so your child knows it is time to stop playing and get ready for dinner. It keeps you from boiling over.Make toy clean up a game as a way to transition out of playtime to cleanup time. When it seems like fun, your child will be more inclined to participate.Give your child a place to keep his unfinished worklike a puzzle, art project, or block tower. (How would you feel if your mom made you stop working on a novel you were writing, or worsewalked over to your computer and deleted it. Think about it!)11. Morning rush No doubt, you will feel the most frustrated with your toddlers dilly-dallying when you have someplace you need to be. Consider these five ways to ease the transition from home to work and childcare for the day: Teaching Moment: Start earlier. Then you dont have to rush. Prepare ahead of time. Have everyones clothes (your and your childs) picked out for the morning. Have lunches prepared the night before. Have keys, and any other necessities ready to go at the door. Smile . Start the day with a smile on your face. Stress is counterproductive. Incentivize . Let your child have a special toy or doll that only gets played with in the car. Distraction . Talk about what the day holds instead of talking about why you are frustrated with your childs inability to get moving. (I call this the gynecologists trickever notice how she gets you talking about something else while performing your internal exam?) 12. The long ride home: (After Daycare Meltdown) Your toddler may be stubborn, but we prefer to say confident and strong willed. And she probably is tired and hungrywhich is why you see the outbursts before dinner.Face it. She has a long day at childcare. She is busy working when you are at work. For her, play is work. Shes had to put up with other toddlers vying for the attention of childcare providers, toys, etc. and having to sort through all those emotions. Then, she gets a boring 45-minute ride home and she is probably hungry too. She most likely only gets one nap at daycare (if it is the typical toddler classroom) but she might still be a two-nap girl. Bottom line: perfect set-up for a meltdown. Teaching Moment: Offer a snack in the car ride home.Have dinner partially prepped on the weekend, so you can get dinner on the table pronto when you get home.Let her tantrum if she must while you do your thing. Then, after dinner, aim for an early bedtime so she isnt exhausted every day.More sleep and a full tummy lead to better behavior! 13. The Short-fuse: (Easily frustrated) Toddlers are all about independence and control. Your child may have a laundry list of things that didnt go his way today. He did not want to get ready for school, but you made him. He did not want to wear a long sleeve shirt, but you made him. He wanted his toast cut in rectangles, not triangles. Then, you commit the unthinkableyou tie his shoes the wrong way. This may seem like such a minor thing to you, but its the twentieth thing that did not go his way and it throws him into a Category 5 Temper Tantrum.There is also an art to problem solving. Some kids are naturally gifted in this department, while others need to be taught how to do it. Kids who are easily frustrated, difficult to calm down, or give up easily, need help. (Mortweet SL). Teaching Moment: Say, Tell me (or show me for a child who isnt speaking yet) what you need/want.Say, Youre unhappy. Lets figure out a different way to build this Lego tower/color the picture/etc. Dont give your child the answer, but help guide him to think outside the box.Sometimes it isnt what you say, but what you do that helps. Give your child a warm, reassuring hug instead of a lecture.If your child is already in full-blown tantrum mode, say, You are having a tantrum. Thats not okay. Let me know when you are done. Period. Do not try to communicate.Teach your child the skill of problem solving. It will reduce the amount of frustration and therefore, the number of tantrums. The basic idea: you can role play problem-solving skills so that your child is prepared to put them into action when the situation arises. Teach the Four Ps: Practice, Praise, Point Out, and Prompt.(Mortweet SL) This works well for two to four-year-olds. As an example, lets take a look at taking turns: Practice: Pretend you want the same toy as your child does. Praise: Say, Ill set the timer so both of us will get a turn. Then say, Im really proud of you for sharing with me. Point out: Show your child how everyone takes turns, like when you check out at the grocery store. Prompt: At the beginning of a playdate, give your child a little reminder. Say, Remember to take turns with Zoe. Reality Check It will seem easier for you to just step in and solve the problem. Your child will learn a more valuable skill, though, if you help her to think it through and let her solve the problem. 14. Can you hear me now? (selective hearing) I have had more than one parent come into my office requesting a hearing test for their toddler. Is it a medical problem or is it just selective hearing loss? Some children choose to ignore their parents when they are engrossed in an activity. It may be because the activity is so much fun, or because the child doesnt want to hear what you have to say (like, Its time to clean up).Since weve pointed out that ignoring a behavior is a useful discipline strategy, you can view this approach from your kid as turning the tables! Teaching Moment: Get onto your childs eye level, make eye contact, and speak directly to him.Dont lecture. Just make it clear what you need to communicate.Remind him of the natural consequence for his procrastination (usually the motivation to ignore mom or dad). Example: Say, If you continue playing with your trains, there wont be time to read books before bed.If it truly seems that your child cannot hear or respond to you even when you say, Want to go get some ice cream? you should definitely check in with your childs doctor. Manners Babies are not born with manners or social skills. So youll need to teach your child how to get along with others. In the age of Mr. Annoying Cell Phone Guy, its no wonder that our kids grow up thinking that rudeness is acceptable. Change that trend, one child at a time.Your child is already getting informal manner training, just by watching you. Be on your best behavior! We cant expect miracles overnight, so have reasonable expectations and pick certain battles (like keeping elbows off the table) for a later day. For now, be happy if your kid uses utensils!We know toddler etiquette sounds like an oxymoron, but here are four scenarios you may soon encounter: 15. Food Fight! Whether or not your child has mastered the fork yet, it is NEVER okay to throw food. Most of the time, when a child hurls his food, he isnt hungry and is just looking for attention or entertainment. Teaching Moment: If your child breaks this rule, he is excused from the table. Thats the natural consequence for the behavior. Youd get kicked out of Chilis if you threw your food, right?Say, Throwing your food tells me you are done eating.If your child likes to use his sippy cup as a shot put, say, If you cannot hold your drink, I will hold it for you. If your child really wants to be in charge of things, he has to be responsible enough not to throw them. 16. PTI. (Pardon the Interruption) Kids instinctively will interrupt you and others when you are trying to have a conversation. Whether its an important phone conversation, a discussion with the doctor at your childs well check, or a chat with your spouse at the dinner table, the motivation to interrupt is the same. Your child wants your attention to be directed at him. He also feels he has something to contribute. Teaching Moment: Teach your child to respect others by respecting your child.Be a good role model. When it is his turn to talk, listen to him. Dont interrupt.Then, when it is your turn to talk, remind him to show you the same respect.If you must take a phone call, give your child something to do to entertain himself. If your child is bored, he will definitely vie for your attention. And keep the length of the call to a minimum! Youve got to have realistic expectations of your childs attention span.Say, When I am done talking on the phone, it will be your turn to talk to me. Then, stick to it! If your child tries to interrupt your conversation, ignore her. Reality Check I frequently rescue moms in my office desperately trying to have a conversation with me while their antsy toddler vies for their attention. Ill hand the child some paper cups to stack, cotton balls to put in and out of those cups, or even a crayon to color on the exam table paper. It doesnt take that much creativity to get five minutes to speak with another adult! Dr Bs Opinion If you have appropriate expectations of your toddler, you will be less frustrated with him! 17. Wrestlemania! No chair throwingor using physical force to express ourselves. Teaching Moment: Safety related offenses always deserve a time out.Say, No _____ (hitting, throwing, biting). Time out. 18. Emily Post. Please and thank you, theyre called the magic words. If you want nice things to happen theyre the words that must be heard. Barney, The Purple Dinosaur. That pretty much sums it up. And what ever happened to the art of thank-you notes? Teaching Moment: Model good behavior. Say please and thank you yourself!Practice at home. Say, Say please and I will get you a drink. Then, wait until your child says Thank you before you hand it over.If your child receives a gift, have him write a thank you note (or at least scribble a nice picture in appreciation). Classic Behaviors 19. The Kid Who Pulls Off His Diaper. This one always gets to parents. Maybe its the smell. Or maybe its the toddler using poop as fingerpaint. Teaching Moment: And the answer is... DUCT TAPE. Were not kidding on this one. Several families have successfully secured the diaper tabs with duct tape when their toddlers go down for nap and bedtime. Believe us, its much more effective than having a rational conversation with your toddler about why playing with poop is a bad idea. Skip the lecture and head to Home Depot. 20. The Streaker. Lady Godiva is a little more challenging than poop art. While its okay to be naked around the house, you cannot really duct tape the clothes on a toddler to go out in public. Teaching Moment: What to do for kids 1-4 years old: Sew a few stitches from your childs zippers to her clothes to keep her dressed. (This was my sister-in-laws trick!)Limit public appearances while your child goes through this phase!Offer naked time. Every night after bath, you give your child X minutes to run around the house naked. Having a scheduled naked time may prevent your toddler from spontaneously streaking. What to do for kids age 4 and up: A lesson in natural consequences: I told a five-year-old clothing-challenged patient recently that she could not play outside without clothes on because it was either too cold or the sun would burn her skin. So, if she chose to be naked, she would have to stay indoors all day long. After mulling over her options, she decided to wear clothes and has ever since! 21. Rebel without a cause: (Risk Taker) If this sounds like your child, you have probably already visited your local emergency room for stitches or a cast. This is the toddler who repeatedly scales the kitchen cabinets and dances on the dining room table. Theres no malice here. This child simply enjoys challenges and testing limits.Unless youve got a padded cell in your house, your child may manage to get into perilous situations even if he is contained in your living room. Teaching Moment: Every time he starts to climb, you need to follow through and redirect his play. You may want to temporarily store the dining room chairs elsewhere until this phase passes. That works particularly well for a child under two years of age.If he is doing something that truly puts him or someone else in danger, he gets a time out (under your supervision, of course).Say, No swinging from the chandelier (or whatever the risky business is). Time out. 22. The Runaway. If you have given serious consideration to buying your child a leash, read on. Some kids love to run. While its great exercise, its not so great when he runs into the street or out of your reach in a public place. Teaching Moment: The natural consequence (getting hit by a car), isnt the best result! So, the more preferable natural consequence is to say, If you cannot stop running into the street, you cannot play outside. Your child learns that his behavior (running into the street) has consequenceshe cannot play outside. If he wants to play outside, he remembers not to run in the street.Encourage your child to try out for the track team in the future. 23. The Slob. Does your childs playroom or closet look like a tornado blew through? Do you feel like a maid? Right now, you bear most of the responsibility for cleaning up, but that doesnt mean your child is off the hook. Plant the seeds now so your child learns that if he makes the mess, hes in charge of cleaning it up. Its called taking personal responsibility, and that is a big lesson your child needs to learn. Teaching Moment: Make clean-up a part of spending time together.Play a clean-up game or sing a clean-up song.Give lots of praiseespecially if your child initiates it without you nagging her to do it!Say, I like how you started cleaning up all by yourself! Great job!As your child gets older (age four and up), the natural consequence of leaving a mess is that things get thrown away if they are on the floor (or taken away for a period of time). That usually encourages the child to put things away where they belong. 24. The Kid Who Hates His Car Seat. You are driving along and suddenly your four year old decides he doesnt want to be in his car seat. Before you have a chance to say boo!, your child is unbuckled and roaming the back seat. What do you do? Teaching Moment: What to do for kids 2-3 years old: This can be a discipline challenge complicated by the fact that big toddlers are growing out of their harnessed, convertible car seats too soon. Ideally, keep your child in a harnessed seat as long as possible (it is harder to MacGyver your way out of a five-point harness). See our book Baby Bargains for harnessed car seats that work to 70 pounds. What to do for kids age 4 and up: Older kids need to understand how CRITICAL it is to stay buckled up in a moving vehicle. So this is a non-negotiable rule: get out of the car seat and the vehicle will come to a stop (pull over safely, of course). There is no playdate, lunch or wherever you were going unless he gets BACK in the seat, pronto. For a four-year-old, stress the no-belt, no-go rule. A fun suggestion: reinforce that message by having a police officer explain the law to your child and what will happen if they break it. 25. The Graffiti Artist. While parents should encourage self-expression, its not okay to paint or color on the walls. We know that you cant watch your childs every move, every minute of the day. And this type of behavior will most likely happen when you are letting the dog out or answering a phone call. Teaching Moment: The obvious prevention: put all arts and crafts under lock and key.If you have to take a phone call on your watch, get your child set up with an activity to do while you are on the call. Then he wont resort to drawing on the walls for attention.If your child does draw on the walls, make your comments short and sweet. Say, No drawing on the walls and redirect him to the art supplies he is supposed to use.Natural consequence: your child gets to help you clean up the walls.If your child is a habitual wall artist, this is your cue to keep a closer eye on him.Catch him being good. Give plenty of praise for artwork that ends up on paper. Say, I like how you drew that picture on the art paper. 26. The Shop-A-Holic. The shop-a-holic child demands the purchase of trinkets or gum for each errand. If she leaves the store empty handed, she pitches a fit. Note to self: If you have to bribe your child to get out of Home Depot, you have a problem.While errands are seldom fun for small children, they are a fact of life. As long as you dont have unrealistic expectations of how many errands you will run or how long the trip will take, you should be able to take your child out with you instead of hiring a babysitter so you can go buy light bulbs. Teaching Moment: Stick to your guns and do not buy something to pacify your child. It is opening Pandoras box.Involve your child in the experience. Say, Can you help me pick out some good light bulbs?If you must resort to bribery, use it sparingly. Getting a shot at the doctor deserves something special. Going to the gas station does not. 27. The Fashion Plate. Some children (okay, mostly girls) decide early in life that they want to pick out their attire for the day. Welcome this as a sign of self-expression. At least its less costly than the Graffiti Artist.Its okay if the outfit doesnt match, really. No one is going to criticize your parenting skills because your child is wearing white shoes after Labor Day. Teaching Moment: Ignore it.Pick your battles. If your child is truly dressed inappropriately, then say you can wear the princess heels after you get home from preschool. (Its hard to climb on the playscape in princess heels.) 7 secrets to running errands with a toddler in tow Plan ahead . Make a list of things you need to reduce the amount of time you are in a store. Follow the Two Stop Rule. Getting in and out of your car with a toddler is an experience itself. With our kids, we always had a two stop rule for Saturday errandsthat is, if you have to stop the car more than twice to do errands, you are asking for trouble. Take advantage of drive-through windows for the bank, dry cleaners and so on to avoid moving your child in and out of the car. Involve your child. Let your child put the fruits or veggies on the scale, or place the items on the checkout belt. Find freebies. Our son used to love getting the free used car magazines at the grocery store. We had him convinced that we had to pay for them, so he would give it to the checkout clerk to run through the scanner. He was thrilled to get a new magazine every time. Coupons can be used in a similar way (your child can cash them in at checkout). Another idea: schedule your visit when a store is handing out free samples (such as warehouse clubs on the weekend). Go without the child. If one parent can baby-sit while the other goes to the mall, everyone will probably be happier. Shop online. Even if you have to pay for shipping, the additional cost may be worth avoiding the headache of going shopping with a toddler. And savvy shoppers know they can avoid online shipping charges by taking advantage of online coupons and free shipping offers when you buy $X worth of items. Dont push it. Dont go shopping at naptime or late at night with a toddler. 28. The Bully. Theres no doubt, if your child is the bully, you need to nip this behavior in the bud. Both the bully and the bullied have self-esteem issues. First and foremost, figure out why the child feels the need to have a pecking order. Your child may be feeling inadequate and frustrated about something. Teaching Moment: Dr. Allison Chase, a child psychologist, suggests the following: Even if the bullying child feels bad, it does not excuse him from facing the music.Ask him to draw an apology picture and deliver it to the child he bullied.Discuss the natural consequences: Say, If you hurt someones feelings, you wont have friends to play with.Work on those problem-solving skills. Your child is resorting to bullying to get what he wants. Empower him with more positive methods. Say, Why dont you try it this way instead? How can I protect my child from being bullied? A childs temperament may make him a target for a bully. Bullies prey on children who are the most likely to be bothered. Kids who are bullied tend to have poor self-esteem because they feel threatened and vulnerable.Use those active listening skills. Let your child be heard. Then, teach him how to problem solve. This doesnt mean enrolling him in karate class. It means role-playing these situations and teaching him how to ignore or walk away from the bully. When bullies realize that their tactics arent working, they move on. Most importantly, remind the sensitive child how special he is. 29. If everyone else is jumping off a bridge: (the follower) Thats another golden oldie phrase that haunts all of our childhoods. As children enter preschool, they may experiment with behaviors they witness in other kids. Sometimes, the ringleader at school will model good behaviors (yay!), or sometimes not-so-good behaviors (yikes!). If the ringleader gets the other kids to laugh at his antics, you can be certain your child will test out the same thing at home to see your response. As with many of these scenarios, it may be a relatively innocuous behavior now, but the risks get bigger as your child gets older. Today it may be putting a playground rock up her nose. Tomorrow it may be snorting a controlled substance.You dont want your kid to be the follower. You want her to make her own decisions, based on your principles of right and wrong. This is the foundation of self-esteem. Teaching Moment Say, I really like it when you make your own decisions.Say, I am very proud of you for being a leader. You are very good at making the right choices.When she makes those good choices, reinforce that behavior by giving lots of praise.Remind her that her teachers, parents and caregivers can help her make decisions if a friend suggests an idea that maybe isnt the best one.Opening the lines of communication now will serve you well as your child grows up and encounters more complex social situations and pressures.Most importantly, tell your child that a true friend will still be a friend even if your child decides not to follow her idea. 30. The Potty Mouth. Youre a poo-poo head! Yes, those words will come out of your preschoolers mouth someday. That deteriorates into other expletives we need not mention here. The first time is funny, because it gets a rise out of Mom or Dad. Your reaction is what leads to the 20th or 100th time later on. Teaching Moment: Ignore it. If it doesnt get a rise out of you, your child will quit saying it. 31. Liar, Liar. All children go through a phase of lying. Sometimes they just make up stories since fantasy and reality can be the same world for a toddler. Thats a part of normal development (see more on this in Chapter 3, Milestones). Other times, they do it to avoid being disciplined. Youll have to figure out the motivation in each individual situation.You have to be very careful how you discipline for lying. (The same goes for stealing, by the way). The dilemma: you cannot punish your child twice.You need to choose which offense you are going to discipline: the misdeed they are covering up or the lying, but not both. If you get your child to fess up to the crime, you have to be willing to respect your child for being honest and not punish him for the act. Think about it. Why in the word would your child be motivated to tell you he lied next time if he knows hes going to get punished for it?Heres a scenario that explains this double discipline dilemma. Okay, its a dog story, but it is still a good example. Our neighbors had an invisible fence for their dog. If you are not familiar with invisible fencing, the dog wears a collar that gives him an electrical shock if he goes past the boundary line of the fence. Well, this cute little dog loved to play with our dogs, so he routinely escaped from his home to come over to ours. He was willing to take the zap to come and play.But heres the rub with an invisible fence: that electrical charge fires no matter which direction the dog is goingin or out of his yard. The point: that dog had no desire to go back home because he would be punished again with a second zap.We dont encourage invisible fencing for your childand we dont recommend that he get zapped twice for lying. Once is enough to get your child to understand that lying is wrong. Teaching Moment: Say, Tell me what happened.If you suspect your child is fibbing, say, You wont be in trouble for ______ (drawing on the walls, etc.) if you can tell me what really happened. If your child confesses, say, Im proud of you for telling me the truth. Its important to always tell the truth. Now lets clean up that wall together.If your child persists in telling his whopper, say, I know you were afraid to tell me the truth, but no one else uses crayons in this house. We have to trust what we tell each other. Then, remove the crayons for the day and clean up the walls together. (Even though it is tempting, its pointless to say, Why did you lie to me?).Be sure to tell your child that it is bad to lie, but that doesnt mean he is bad. 32. Squirmy at church. Well, lets think about this. You are asking a one to four-year-old to sit still and be quiet. If you bring a very large bag of quiet activities, you might last about twenty minutes with your average two year old. But... the average Protestant service lasts about 45 minutes. And the typical Jewish service is about two to three hours. Lower your expectations, and you wont be frustrated.Do what you feel comfortable doing as a family. Just take your toddlers attention span into account. Teaching Moment: Dont expect your child to sit still and stay quiet. Some congregations offer family rooms where children can climb around and talk while parents can still hear and see the service.Stay as long as your child can handle it (and dont get frustrated if you need to take a break and walk around the lobby).Before services begin, remind your child of appropriate behavior in a house of worship. Say, Remember to be quiet and sit still so everyone can pray.Or consider putting your little one in the nursery or babysitting area if you want to pray without distraction! Feedback from the Real World One family suggests sitting in the front pew at church with their little ones. Sounds crazy, since youd think the best place is in back where you can sneak out if your kid starts acting up. But they find their kids are much more attentive in front row seats where they can see the action on the pulpit. 33. The new kid on the block: (having another child) While there is no one right time to have another baby, experts suggest spacing children two and a half to three years apart. This gives you more time to spend with each child and promotes strong sibling relationships.Also, from a medical standpoint, experts suggest waiting at least 18 months between pregnancies to give moms body time to recuperate. If you get pregnant sooner than 18 months before the last baby was born, there is a higher risk of premature birth and low birth weight.When that new baby arrives, it doesnt matter what your oldest childs age is... he will resent having to share the limelight! It takes about two months for the older child to forgive you for not leaving that screaming baby at the hospital. We discuss this issue in more depth in Chapter 4, Is This Normal? Teaching Moment: Here are some practical tips to survive the first couple of months at home and beyond. Special attention. Catch the older child being good. Your child will seek out attention from you. Whether it is positive (reading books with you) or negative (getting chewed out by you), it is still attention focused towards him and away from the baby. Say, You are doing a great job on that puzzle. Or Lets read a book together while the baby is eating. Special time. Set aside special time for the older child. No matter how many other family members offer to spend time with your older child while you care for the baby, its not time with you. Hand the baby over to the family and take your older one out to the park. Special jobs. Give your older child special jobs and praise him. Make him feel he has an important role in the family. A two-year-old can hand you a clean diaper during diaper changes. A four-year-old can help feed and bathe the baby. Say, You are such a great helper! You are a terrific big brother/sister! Special privileges. Allow your child to have special toys that are his alone. The older child is always the one who is expected to share. Pick out those toys that arent safe for infants (like Legos) and let your older child play with those in his room. Say, You have some special toys that are only for you. Lets pick those out together and keep them in a safe place. Discipline both kids. Discipline the younger child as well as the older one. As your little one gets older, she will know exactly how to quietly antagonize her big brother andmake him get in trouble. It doesnt matter who started the fightboth kids get in trouble. That motivates both of them to have good behavior. Play fair. Frequently, the younger childs needs get priority. And sometimes thats unavoidablelike going home for an earlier bedtime. The older child starts to blame the younger child for things he doesnt get. Be a good listener and have a family meeting to address everyones needs. Dr Bs Opinion Out of sheer necessity, your parenting style will change when you have more than one child to care for. Sometimes, thats a good thing. Your older child will take on more responsibility and independence. The Terrible Threes:Dr. Bs True Story My first child was an absolute angelwhen he was two. We thought we had made it through toddlerhood without tantrums or protests, thanks to our wonderful mastery of parenting. Well, that was before our daughter was born. Our son was a little over three years old when his sister arrived and rocked his world. We stopped patting ourselves on the back and considered hiring an Exorcist.In the first six weeks of our daughters life, our son made his grandmother cry by telling her that she did not love him anymore, called 911 and got a friendly police officer to visit our home (the officer had a knowing look in her eye when she spied the newborn), and acquired a blood-curdling scream that could wake the dead.Our kids are now best friends, and our son cannot imagine life without his sister (except when she messes with his baseball cards). He cannot even remember his life pre-sister. Take home message: Theres really no perfect time to have another baby. It just takes some time for everyone to adjust. 34. Have toddler, will travel. Traveling with a toddler can be challenging. Dont expect perfect behavior. Toddlers have short attention spans and like moving around. Thus, airplane or car travel may be unpleasant if it is more than just a short trip. Teaching Moment Regardless of travel mode, be sure to bring along a bag of tricksfull of toys your child has never seen before. That usually buys you a few extra minutes for the novelty factor.Music is both entertaining and soothing. Bring an iPod full of kid-friendly songs.Try to travel off peak to avoid delays and crowds.Be realistic about your expectations. Adjust your travel plans accordingly. You may want to get into Disney World when the gates open and stay until 10pm closing... but your toddler may poop out by 3pm. If your toddler is unhappy, you can guarantee everyone else will be, too. For air travel, here are some tips. Get a seat for your child under age two if you can afford it. Not only is this the safest option, but everyone will appreciate the extra space. Some airlines will discount the childs seat.To equalize pressure in a toddlers ears, drink some water during takeoff and landing. (Bring your own so you are not waiting on a flight attendant.) Yawning can also help.What about drugs? Parents often ask about giving Benadryl (diphenhydramine) to make their child fall asleep. If the flight is over six hours long, its a consideration. But check with your doctor first.If you are the one with the screaming child at 30,000 feet, apologize and buy your fellow passengers a round of drinks. 35. Dont make me stop this car! Yes, this happens to all of us.the day we turn into our moms. If youve got more than one kid, its pretty much guaranteed that there will be fighting in the backseat (unless you have a three-row SUV or minivan). If you are driving the car, its hard to know exactly which child started the problem. Often, the instigator is the younger child, not the older one. Teaching Moment: For a two to four year old: If it is just bickering, take a step back, ignore it, and see if the kids can work out their differences on their own. Its an opportunity for them to learn problem-solving skills!If you must intervene, change your tone of voiceyou know which one that is.If the action gets out of hand, both kids get disciplined. And yes, its okay to pull over to the nearest parking lot or shoulder until the fighting stops. The natural consequence is that their poor behavior keeps everyone from getting to their destination.Calmly say, Let me know when you are done. You can step out of the car if you need to escape the screaming in the backseat. Reality Check This also falls into the sibling rivalry category. Siblings know just the right buttons to push to annoy each other. An older child may tease the younger one by touching, poking, or grabbing toys. Some of this is motivated by the older child trying to assert dominance and say, This is my space. If possible, doing occasional special activities with each child separately helps diffuse this need to have a pecking order in the house. BOTTOM LINE Final word: In all discipline situations, your child needs to know the behavior is unacceptable, not him. On one hand, you need to teach your child safe limits for behavior, nutrition, sleep, you name it. On the other hand, you dont want your childs self esteem to suffer because he begins to think you dont like him or he cannot do anything right in your eyes. Mr. Rogers said it best, I like you just the way you are. Remind your child of that everyday! Helpful Hints: Suggested further reading Consider these books as good bedtime reading for you and your spouse: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 212. Phelan TW. 4th edition. Glen Ellyn, IL: ParentMagic, Inc. 2010. Becoming The Parent You Want to Be. Davis L., et al. New York: Broadway Books, 1997. The Explosive Child. Greene, R. New York: HarperCollins, 2010. Just Tell Me What to Say. Braun B. New York: HarperCollins, 2008. Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility. Cline F and Fay J. Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press, 2006.Now that youve learned all the tricks to disciplining your toddler, next well dive into development. What are the milestones your toddler should be hitting? Well discuss that and more in the next chapter. Chapter 3: Milestones Whats in this Chapter The Milestones The Toddler Development Checklist Social/Emotional Growth The Big Picture Like the legendary explorer, an 18-month old will repetitively scale a forbidden sofa because its there. ~ Mel Levine, M.D. W elcome to the development section of Toddler 411, where we try to answer that age-old question, Just what the heck is normal? And if something isnt, how do we fix it?Lets start with a discussion of milestones. This chapter will focus on what your toddler should be doing and when... from when your toddler learns to drink from a cup... to the day he can properly configure a Bluetooth device to sync to your computer. (Answer on that last one: sooner than you think).This chapter will also discuss HOW your toddler learns, plus what to expect when it comes to social and emotional growth. Along the way, well cover issues like when toddlers start to show a hand preference and how to adjust development milestones if you have a preemie.In the chapters to follow, well tackle other issues, like how to super-size your childs smarts (technical term: developmental stimulation) and what happens when things go wrong (concerns, questions, disorders, etc).But first, lets explore just what is normal. Get that highlighter ready, as well first launch into milestones. Normal Development & Milestones Weve all been theresitting on a park bench with other parents while our kids run around on the playground like Energizer bunnies. Invariably, the parent sitting next to you strikes up a conversation. Which one is yours? How old is he? Really? Well, my child was doing advanced calculus at just six months of age!Dont you just want to slap that parent? While you try to figure out a polite way to leave the park bench, a little voice inside you wonders if your child is developing normally.Unless you are a child development expert, that little voice may create a lot of undo stress and anxiety. Here are the Three Golden Rules when it comes to being a parent of a toddler. Rule #1: Trust yourself. Unless the park bench parent IS a child development expert (odds: slim to none), ignore him/her. Rule #2: Do not obsessively compare other siblings or random children at the playground to your child. Rule #3: Read this chapter and find out what children are really supposed to be able to do. If your child is not where he should be, talk to your doctor.Before we get to the nitty-gritty details, here is the big picture of what your child will look like over the next few years. Youll want to bookmark this entire section so you can refer back to it periodically! A snapshot of your child, by age Wondering what your child should be able to do at a certain age? Heres the 411. Your childs doc will ask about these milestones at well-child visits. Watch what your child is doing and take notes. Well give you the doctors question list at the end of this chapter so you will be prepared. 12 Month Old A 12 month old gets around the house by crawling, cruising, or walking. He explores everything, using less of his mouth and more of his hands. He will feed himself, using his hands (and make a mess).He understands much of what is said to him and communicates mostly non-verbally. He will say mama and dada intentionally, but probably will only say one more word beyond that. He will make eye contact to get someones attention and respond when someone calls his name. If you point to an object, hell look to see what you are pointing at. If faced with a new situation, he will look to his parents for approval.He will imitate some of your activities, like talking on the phone or using the remote control. 15 Month Old A 15 month old is unstoppable. She walks and climbs, and maybe even runs away from you. She is curious, and will test her boundaries for the sake of figuring out where they are. Shes all about doing things herself (and her way).She likes routines and will be rigid about sticking to them. (This continues for several months to years, by the way).She is increasingly verbal, and may speak entire sentences in a language you cannot understand. On average, shell have at least three words you understand (nobody else will, though). A 15 month old communicates her needs very effectively by pointing and grunting. But she understands much more than what she is able to say. She can follow simple directions (such as, Bring me the cup.)She will copy or imitate activities she sees you doingcleaning up, turning pages of a book, trying to cook. She has separation anxiety, and may be fearful of strangers. (Visits to the doctor can be a real challengefair warning!) 18 Month Old An 18 month old child resembles a bull in a china shop. And you will get your share of exercise in the name of damage control. He will continually test your patience as he demands more autonomy. Tantrums are commonhopefully more from your child than from you. Ugly and embarrassing behaviors like hitting, biting, and kicking are also common. Fun times!The good newshe will start to use more words to express himself. There is an explosion of language just around the corner. While he may not have more than a handful of words, he understands most of what you say to him. Whether he chooses to follow directions or not is another story!An 18 month old is able to use his hands more to explore and maneuver things. He will play with toys purposefullypretending that trains go on the track or babies are fed and put to bed. He will be able to use utensils, although he may still prefer to use his hands to feed himself. 2 Year Old A two year old is fairly bossy. Its her way or the highway. And armed with a full compliment of vocabulary words, she will tell you how she feels. No and mine are the top two vocabulary words used most often. Shell put together two word sentences (such as, Mommy go.), and have at least 50200 words that she can come up with on her own (not just imitating you). If things dont work out the way a two year old has planned, be prepared for a melt down.A two year old usually loves the playground, since she can run, jump, climb up and down steps, and slide down a small slide. She also likes figuring out puzzles and coloring. Besides no and mine, why? is also a favorite word. Dont get annoyed by it, she is trying to make sense of her world.She also likes to pretend. She will watch what other kids are doing, and will play beside another child ( parallel play ). But two year olds will not know how to or try to play together.Most two year olds are not toilet trained at their second birthday, nor are they even remotely interested in the potty. But this milestone is on the to-do list for many kids later in the second year.She may be very fearful of things she cannot control, like loud noises. She has trouble separating fantasy from reality, and may be fearful of monsters and the dark. 3 Year Old A three year old can have a conversation with an adult, if he is not too shy. Most of his language should be understandable to strangers. He can say his name and what he likes to play with. He can tell you whether he is a boy or a girl.He loves to pretend and play with other kids. He is not the best at sharing, but hes capable of taking turns (with some encouragement). If you have a girl, she is probably toilet trained. If you have a boy, its less likely. But even most boys are toilet-trained during the day by three and a half. He can climb stairs, ride a tricycle, throw and kick a ball. He can draw more meaningfully (not just scribble), get dressed with a little help, and wash his hands. He might even be able to brush his own teeth (but probably not very well). Dont let him fool you, he can help clean up and put away his toys.He may still be afraid of things he cannot control or anticipate. 4 Year Old A four year old will have no trouble talking with an adult, if she is comfortable. She can say what she likes to do and knows (and can name) her friends. She uses pronouns correctly, and most of her speech is understandable to everyone (not just you). Some kids will still make some articulation errors (for example, w abbit instead of r abbit).She will play well with other kids. She may play chase or tag on the playground, or create a make-believe story with several children (acting out roles). And sometimes, she will prefer to play by herself, creating art projects or building with Legos. Most four year olds will happily play with other kids ( associative play ) and play alone ( solo play ).She will know a few colors, and perhaps recognize some letters and numbers. She might be able to write her name. She can draw stick figures. And she can jump, hop, throw balls overhand, and climb stairs with alternating feet(Levine MD).She can follow directions and help with some household chores (YES!)If these little vignettes do not describe your child, talk to your childs doctor. And read Chapter 6, Challenges for details on developmental differences.Now, lets get into the nitty-gritty details of your toddlers milestones. Q. What does development mean anyway? Development is the way a child masters his brain and body. It includes his/her muscle skills (large and small muscles), language skills, social and emotional skills, and intelligence (cognition). Development is different from the term growth which refers to physical body changes. Here are some key terms to keep in mind when it comes to development:1 Gross Motor Development. Using large muscle groups to function (that is, arms, legs, torsoor your core for you Pilates people). Milestones include: crawling, climbing, walking, running, throwing, and kicking a ball.2 Fine Motor Development . Using small muscle groups (fingers) to function. Milestones include: picking up objects, feeding oneself, maneuvering food utensils, holding writing utensils, scribbling, and writing.3 Oral Motor Development. Using and maneuvering mouth and tongue muscles. Milestones include: chewing, talking, and whistling (I still cant do this one).4 Language Development. Communicating with others. Language development is subdivided further into the ability to understand language (receptive language) and the ability to speak language (expressive language). Milestones include: understanding spoken language, following directions, expressing needs, speaking words, and knowing body parts. Language breaks down into three areas: Receptive language skills : This is the language input. Older babies and toddlers understand what you are saying to them (including No) long before they say anything back to you. Dont let your toddler fool you! Expressive language skills : This is language output. Frequently this is what most parents think of when we refer to language delays (that is, the child isnt talking yet). Nonverbal communication skills : This is the ability to communicate without words. Kids as young as 12 months old can tell (demand) what they want by pointing, grunting, or taking a parent by the hand.If there is a concern for ANY language delay, your child should be checked to ensure that there is not a receptive language problem, a hearing problem, or a problem processing information that is heard (see Auditory Processing Disorder ).5 Social-Emotional Development. This is how a child adjusts to his world. Milestones include: engaging with another person, making eye contact, expressing needs, imitating others, anxiety towards strangers, anxiety about being separated from loved ones and seeking independence.People are not born with social skillsthey are learned. And parents are the most important influence on their children.Temperament plays a big role in how children adapt and interact with others. Look for details about temperament later in this chapter.6 Cognitive (Intellectual) Development. This refers to how a child figures out his world. Lets compare this to a computer. Newborns start with a basic hard drive and create their own software programs (at an exponential rate).Kids take in vast quantities of information on a daily basis, and make sense of it based on strategies that have worked in the past for them (those software programs). Toddlers create new strategies when faced with new situationsthis is that trendy term developmental stimulation youll hear in parenting circles.Milestones include: knowing how to get someones attention, understanding cause and effect (for example: if I push the buttons on the remote controlthe TV turns onAND mommy grabs the remote from me), and knowing how to problem solve (such as: if the cube doesnt fit in the circle, try the square opening). Q. How do I know that my child is developing normally? First of all, continue reading this chapter! We will give you the entire range of what is normal and what is not.Then, you visit your childs practitioner at regularly scheduled well child visits and touch base. That is the time to bring your concerns updont be shy. Your doctor wont laugh at you.If a delay is detected, the child may be watched more closely for a period of time to see if he/she catches up; or a referral may be made to a specialist in that particular field (See Chapter 6, Challenges for details on specialists and developmental delays.)Pediatricians rely on parents to be Developmental Detectives. We may not see everything your child is doing or not doing in an office visit. We utilize a developmental milestone checklist and information from you to identify a problem. Reality Check The earlier a developmental problem is diagnosed, the sooner a child gets helpand the better the outcome for the child. Early intervention makes the greatest impact in lifelong outcomes. Q. What does the term developmental milestones mean? These are the individual skills your child masters as she grows physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Key point: there is a wide range of time for when milestones are achieved. So dont freak out when your best friends kid outpaces your own. Just take your child in for his check ups. Those well-child visits help you and the pediatrician make sure your child is hitting his marks. Developmental Checklists:7 Things to Know We know checklists like this can become an obsession for some folks. So before any panic sets in when it appears your child might have missed a milestone, keep these points in mind:1. The checklist is not perfectbut it is a helpful guide for doctors to screen for developmental delays.2. You must promise not to tape it to your childs bed frame and check off his accomplishments!3. There is a very low hurdle to pass a test... so that kids with normal skills are not falsely considered delayed.4. Because children accomplish milestones at a range of ages, mastery of a particular milestone varies over a period of time. The cutoff for normal is at the level where over 90% of kids have achieved a milestone.5. If a child fails a series of test items, it is quite likely he has a developmental delay in a certain area.6. If a child fails, his doctor will either do a further assessment in the office or refer the child to a developmental specialist.7. For kids who were born prematurely (born before 36 weeks of gestation) and are still under two years of age, subtract the number of months missed in pregnancy from the childs current age and check the milestones at the adjusted age . See the discussion on the previous page for more info. Q. My child was born prematurely. How do I adjust the developmental checklist for his age? Premature babies catch up in most of their physical growth in the first year of life. But it may take up to two years for a preemie grad to catch up developmentally. Use their adjusted age to track their progress.Once a child is over two years of age, however, he should be meeting the milestones of his peers. If that is not the case, he may need professional help to catch up (for example, physical therapy).Even if your child is following the milestone checklist, you should continue to monitor her progress closely. Children who are born significantly early and/or significantly small (less than three pounds at birth) are at increased risk of subtle developmental, behavioral, and learning differences that become more apparent as a child enters school. (Scott DT, Barlow JR)For more information regarding early intervention programs, check out Chapter 6, Challenges.Without further ado, see the nearby box for the big milestone checklist. Bookmark this page!Toddler Development Checklist And now, as promised, the toddler development checklist! Please take a second to read the caveats on the previous page. What if you have a preemie?See the question on the previous page before this chart for info on adjusting these benchmarks.(Levine MD, Frankenburg WE, Brown FR, Capute AJ, Feigin JZ) Fine Motor (small muscles) Age achieved: Bangs objects together 7 to 12 monthsMastery of pincer grasp* 9 to 14 monthsDrinks from a cup 10 to 16.5 monthsPuts block in cup 10 to 14 monthsScribbles 11 to 16 monthsUses spoon or fork correctly 13 to 20 monthsMakes tower of two cubes 13 to 21 monthsMakes tower of four cubes 16 to 24 monthsMakes tower of six cubes 19 months to 2.5 yearsMakes tower of eight cubes 2 to 3.5 yearsHand preference 18 months to 4 yearsWiggles thumb 2.5 to 3.5 yearsCan copy a circle drawing 3 to 4 yearsCan draw a person with three body parts 3.5 to 4.5 yearsCan copy a cross drawing 3.5 to 4.75 yearsCan copy a square drawing 4 to 5.5 yearsCan draw a person with six body parts 4 to 5.5 yearsWrites name 4 to 5 years * Pincer grasp refers to the ability to grab a small item between the thumb and forefinger Gross Motor (big mucles) Age achieved: Walks holding onto furniture (cruises) 7.5 to 12.5 monthsStands alone briefly 9 to 13 monthsStands alone 9.5 to 14 monthsWalks alone 11 to 14.5 monthsRuns 13 to 20 monthsWalks up steps (both feet on each step) 14 to 27 monthsKicks ball 16 to 24 monthsThrows ball overhand 17 months to 3 yearsJumps 22 months to 2.5 yearsBalances on each foot for one second 2 to 3 yearsWalks up stairs alternating feet 3 yearsRides tricycle 3 yearsHops 3 to 4.25 yearsBalances on each foot for five seconds 3.5 to 5.5 yearsSkips 5 yearsRides bicycle without training wheels 6 to 7 years Language/Communication: Age achieved: Comprehension Follows simple directions 12 to 24 monthsFollows two part instructions 18 to 24 monthsPoints to pictures when named 18 to 24 monthsKnows six body parts 18 to 25 monthsUnderstands in, on, under 3 yearsRecognizes some letters of alphabet 3 to 4 years Expression Says Mama and Dada and means it 9.5 to 13.5 monthsIndicates wants non-verbally (Point/Grunt) 10.5 to 14.5 monthsSays three words besides Mama/Dada 11.5 to 20.5 monthsSays six words besides Mama/Dada 14 to 21 months50 to 200 word vocabulary 2 to 2.5 yearsSpeaks two word sentences 21 months to 2 yearsSpeaks three to four word sentences 3 years>500-1000 word vocabulary 3 yearsUses pronouns (I, you, we) 2 to 3 yearsCan say name, age, gender 3 yearsSpeaks four to five word sentences 3 to 4 years Speech Speech half understandable to strangers 17 months to 3 yearsSpeech all understandable to strangers 2 to 4.5 yearsNormal dysfluency (stuttering) 3 to 4 years Social/Intellectual development Age achieved: Plays pat-a-cake / high five 7 to 13 monthsCan shake head to say no 9 to 12 monthsPlays ball with someone 9.5 to 16 monthsFinds hidden item child has watched move 12 to 18 monthsFeeds a doll (symbolic play) 15 to 24 monthsBrushes teeth with help 16 months to 2.75 yearsWashes and dries hands 19 months to 3 yearsPlays next to another child (parallel play) 2 yearsPuts on a t-shirt 2.25 to 3.25 yearsNames a friend 2.25 to 3.25 yearsRecognizes and names one color 2.5 to 3.75 yearsPlays board/card games 2.75 to 5 yearsBrushes teeth without help 2.75 to 5 yearsUnderstands taking turns 3 yearsGets dressed without help 3 to 4.5 yearsCounts one block 3 to 4 yearsCan tell which line is longer 3 to 5.5 yearsRecognizes and names four colors 3 to 5 yearsPrepares cereal 3 to 5 yearsPlays with another child (associative play) 3 to 4 yearsCounts five blocks 4 to 5.5 yearsCounts to ten 5 years Q. What does it mean if my child fails some of his milestones? We have a whole chapter (Ch. 6, Challenges) devoted to this question later in this book, but the short answer ismaybe something or maybe nothing.A child may have an isolated delay in one particular developmental area (that is, a gross motor delay, or expressive language delay, etc). With a little help and encouragement, these children catch up with their peers and you might not notice a problem later on. For others, it may always be an issue. For instance, a child with a gross motor delay may always be clumsy or he may turn out to be a Heisman trophy winner. A child with an expressive language delay may turn out to have a learning disability or she may become valedictorian. It just may take a little more motivation for that particular kid to succeed in that particular area.The children we are most concerned about are those with delays across the board, called global developmental delays. These kids are at risk of never catching up to their peers. If children continue to have global developmental delays by the age of three, they are ultimately diagnosed with an intellectual disability (formerly known as mental retardation). There is a range from mild to severely affected. If a child has global developmental delays, an extensive medical workup is in order that includes metabolic (the way the body breaks down certain chemicals) and genetic testing (inherited chromosome defects).With autism in the news lately, no doubt you may have concerns that any developmental delay is a sign of autism. Its not. To help spot those early clues, see Chapter 6, Challenges. Heres whats important to remember: a child who fails milestones in both social and language development should be assessed for an autism spectrum disorder. Q. My child mastered some milestones, yet now he is no longer performing them. It seems like he is regressing. Do I need to worry? When kids are working on a new skill, they may abandon one they already know how to do. This is not unusual unless a child is losing skills across all developmental areas.Kids will also do this when faced with stressful situationslike a new baby in the house. Kids see that babies get attention... and quickly conclude that acting like a baby might get attention too.Some parents of children with autism will report that their child had normal language milestones then suddenly lost their ability to speak. We will discuss this further in Chapter 6, Challenges.Now that youve seen the overall milestones, were going to go over some key child development theories. Dont fall asleep hereits important to know this stuff so you can understand your childs cognitive (intellectual) and social/emotional development. How Your Child Learns How does your child learn all the amazing things she does? Dr. Jean Piaget, the father of cognitive (intellectual) development theory, believed that a childs brain processes and understands information in different ways at different ages. As a parent, its helpful to know what stage of brain development your child is at, because your childs reasoning will be different than yours. And if you understand where your child is, you can have a meeting of the minds.Its also fascinating to see how your child figures things out. Anyone who believes childs play is just for fun, has never really watched a child playing. Their play is pretty hard work! Its like a parent installing a car seat... with directions in Swedish.So, here is the general idea, stage by stage: (Brainerd C, Levine MD) Sensory-Motor: Age birth to two years Key Goal: Infants and toddlers learn by hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling, moving, and manipulating (i.e. using their Five Senses). Birth to 12 months : Babies are born with a clean slate, with little more than primitive neurological reflexes (sucking, rooting, grasping) to explore their world. They rapidly start to test out items with their mouths and hands. They use their memory of what worked in the past to approach new situations by eight to 12 months old. And they learn that objects still exist even if they disappear (e.g. a toy, or Mom and Dad) by the time they reach a year of age; this is called object permanence . 12 to 18 months: Toddlers have more sophisticated problem solving skills, believe it or not. They experiment systematically, with a trial and error method of attack. They explore more with their hands than mouths. And they can follow directions (its a matter of whether they CHOOSE to or not). 18 to 24 months: As children approach age two, they fine tune trial and error strategies for more complex situations (e.g. doing puzzles). They figure out causality their actions produce a desired effect (that is, winding up a toy to make it move). Pre-operational: Age two to seven years Key goal: Children master the concept that symbols represent thingslike written words and pretend play.But their level of reasoning is based on their viewpoint. They are not capable of taking someone elses perspective. So dont be shocked if they lack empathy for a child whose toy they just stole.They have very basic or pre-logical thinking. For example, a full four-ounce juice cup will look like it has more in it than a half-full 12 ounce water glass.They also live in a fantasy world. Santa Claus and Tinkerbell really exist. But so do monsters. Understandably, kids this age have a number of unrealistic fears. Reality Check Babies and young children are egocentric , meaning that they think the world revolves around them. They continue to think this way until about age six or seven. Some grown-ups still think this way! Concrete Operational: Age seven to eleven years Key goal: Children can think logically. But everything is black and whitethere is no gray zone.Your child will become the moral police officer, reporting on misbehavior of other children. He will also be bothered if you deviate a hair from the rules of a game. Formal Operational: Age 12 to adulthood Key goal: Teens become capable of abstract reasoning and can finally think outside the box. A teen should be able to interpret a hypothetical situation and reason it out. Your childs social and emotional growth Do you want to know how your child learns to cope and find his place in the world? Look no further than Erik Erikson, one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century. He says that your emotional growth depends on how you deal with a series of conflicts or stages. Your sense of identity is based on how you resolve these conflicts. If you dont overcome a conflict, the unresolved issue sits there and festers the rest of your life (giving new meaning to the phrase youve got issues).According to Erikson, people also regress to prior stages during times of stress (for example: a four year old returns to Terrible Two antics when a baby sister is born).So, here are the conflicts faced during childhood (well save the adulthood conflicts for a Dr. Phil show): Trust vs. Mistrust: Birth to 18 months Key goal: Infants and young toddlers learn to trust their parents (and caretakers).They learn that the adults in their lives will take care of their needs. They feel comfortable investigating and exploring because they have a sense of security.In short, babies form important attachments to adults during this critical period. As that bond grows, a child gets upset if he is separated from that person. Thats why kids this age have separation anxiety and stranger anxiety . (These terms describe a child who has a panic attack every time you leave to go to the bathroom or the one who spies an unfamiliar person and tries to climb up your leg). Babies who do not form appropriate bonds are distrustful and apprehensive around others. Its a red flag for developmental delay, family dysfunction, or child neglect/abuse if a child lacks an attachment to an adult by 18 months of age. (Gaensbauer T) Autonomy vs. Doubt: 18 months to three years Key goal: Children seek independence and try to gain confidence in their abilities.This happens at the same time that parents are trying to set limits on inappropriate behaviors. This is why this age group can be such a challenging one to a parent! Your goal to create boundaries is in direct conflict with your toddlers goal of breaking them down.With that in mind, let your child have some autonomy to learn self-reliance, or shell begin to doubt herself. And heres the essential trick of parenting a toddler: let a child think HE is calling the shots, when in fact YOU are! Initiative vs. Guilt: Three to six years Key goal: Children thrive on decision-making and accomplishments.If parents do not support these experiences, the child feels guilty for trying to be independent.Hang finger-paintings on your refrigerator and beam over your childs mismatched choice of clothing for the day. Industry vs. Inferiority: Six to twelve years Children gain confidence in their skills and want to learn. With failure or lack of support, children feel inferior to others. Identity vs. Role Confusion: 12 to 18 years Simply put, teens either figure out who they are and what they want (sense of self) or they are confused and reliant on their peers.(Levine MD) Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy I love old holiday movies. Its my annual December ritual to watch those classics. One of my favorite lines is from Miracle on 34th Street. Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to. That line has become more meaningful after seeing my own little ones outgrow the days of believing in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Cinderella.We took our daughter to Disneyworld when she was five. It was priceless to see her meet Cinderellalive, and in person. Our daughter asked for a personal tour of her bedroom! Of course, Cinderella could not oblige, but she was very gracious about it.But that same magical thinking of childhood has its downsides... my husband and I also got to check our childrens rooms for monsters under the bed for a while! Its very normal for young children to have fearsmonsters, loud noises, shadows, people in costume (really, is there anything scarier than a clown?).The lines between fantasy and reality are blurred to a child under six or seven years of ageand thats why some things are so scary to them.Until your child overcomes his magical thinking, you might as well use it to your advantage. Let your child think his teddy bear has magical powers that will protect him from things that go bump in the night. Tell your child he can scare away the monsters just by saying, Go away! Play along and empower your child while you do it.So, when should you fess up about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy? Never. Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to. Let your child decide if he wants to continue believing or not. And you just keep eating Santas cookies and the reindeers carrots Dr Bs Opinion You cant make a toddler eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. And if you try, it will inspire the toddler do exactly the opposite! Q. What is temperament? Youve heard all the clichs: this toddler is a difficult child while this other one is easy. Some kids are cautious, while others have no fear... and so on. But when you get down to it, temperament is just the way your child approaches his world. It starts on Day One of life and continues through a persons lifetime. No matter how much we try, we cant change anyones temperament (much as we would like to at times)we are born with it. However, parents can positively impact the way a child learns to deal with his world. Its that old nature vs. nurture debateboth have an influence on a persons behavior.Figuring out what type of temperament your child has will help you anticipate how he will react to certain situations. And you will have a better idea of how to make everyones world more pleasant. Dr Bs Opinion Think of your childs temperament as a cake mold. Although you cant break the mold, you can impact how the cake is baked. Q. When will I be able to figure out my childs temperament? By the time a child hits age one, most parents have their number... they have a good idea of the babys temperament and what might happen in the toddler years.And heres something that wont shock you: some temperaments are more difficult to live with than others. But all have their strengths. When you are frustrated with your toddler, just think about how successful he will be with those traits as an adult!Here are seven questions that help determine the temperament of your child. (Kurcinka, MS) 1. Adaptability. How does your child respond to change or new situations? 2. Regularity. Does your child follow a schedule with sleep and mealtimes? 3. Mood. Is your childs attitude positive or negative about life? 4. Persistence. Does your child persist at activities or give up easily? 5. Intensity. Is your child intense or easy going? 6. Sensitivity. Is your child sensitive or oblivious to environmental changes (that is, noises, smells, tastes, lights)? 7. Energy. Is your child energetic or quiet?See the box below for our take on the seven types of toddlers! New Parent 411: Snow White &the 7 Toddlers Here is a rundown of the top temperaments and who these little ones turn out to be as grown-ups! Grumpy : (a.k.a. The Difficult Child) This is the kid with the attitude. His cup is always half empty and everyone will hear about it. He resists change and gets frustrated easily. Hes still not sleeping through the night because Mom and Dad are afraid to deal with the protest. Transitioning from one activity to the next is a challenge, for the same reason. Potential future job: hell be a lawyer that scares the dickens out of opposing counsel. Very successful, but also very intimidating. Sleepy : (a.k.a. The Sleeper) Dont sell this kid short just because she is slow to warm up and low in energy. She will quietly play, often independently. She does better with gradual transitions to new activities and thrives on routines. As a grown up, shell be a tech support guru for Dell. Shell do great things, but shell do them quietly behind the scenes. Dopey : (a.k.a. The High Spirited Child) Dont take the name the wrong way. Hes a really sweet child who aims to please. Hes full of energy and is the life of the party. Future career: pharmaceutical rep. Socially, very charming. And that charm makes for career success, too. Doc : (a.k.a. The Intense Child) Shes the persistent, intense, serious kid. Yes, shell be very successful in life, but may not be the life of the party. The Intense Child is a little slow to warm up, but very nice once you get to know her. She is a little sensitive to new situations and environmental change. True to the name, shell be a successful doctor. People respect her passion and perseverance. Sneezy : (a.k.a. The Sensitive Child) He wants to be easy going, but hes sensitive to environmental changes. Hes quietly intense. The Sensitive Child would rather pick up interesting rocks on the playground than run around. He cries over spilled milk. Unfortunately, this child is easy prey for a bully. This grown-up forges his own path and gravitates towards independent rather than large group projects. Potential future job: forest ranger, archeologist. Bashful : (a.k.a The Slow to Warm Up Child) This little one takes a while to warm up to new situations and change. He will hide in his shell when he is faced with someone or someplace new... and he prefers quiet activities to loud, high energy ones. This is your future accountant. Again, very successful at occupations that avoid the limelight. Happy : (a.k.a. The Easy Child) This kid is easy going and very adaptable. He rolls with the flow. Hes willing to play with anyone. He will persevere and has good problem solving skills. He is socially savvy and well liked. Forecast: class president and future small business owner. This is the successful adult that knows everyone in the neighborhood. Dr. Bs opinion. We wish we all had Happy for a child. But life wouldnt be nearly as interesting if everyone was Happy. And most of the time, we are blessed with a child who has a mixture of more than one temperament. Q. My first child was so easy. My second one is much more of a challenge. Does birth order have anything to do with this? Maybe, maybe not.Temperament is in the genes. However, many environmental influences play a role in how those genes are worn. Birth order, age between siblings, sex of siblings, and parenting style all have an impact on temperament.In general, firstborn kids are more likely to be cautious rule-followers. Youngest children are more flexible and easy going (probably because they get carted around everywhere). And weve all heard about middle childrenthey are the rule breakers who vie for attention.But besides birth order, something else is different the second time aroundyour parenting style. Whether you like it or not, you cannot devote as much time to your second child as you did with your first one. The positive: your second child is more independent. The negative: your second child may act up more to get your attention.Take home message: Give your second child attention when he is being good and he may have fewer outbursts. Specific Developmental Questions, by Age Q. My 14 month old isnt walking yet. Should I be concerned? How can I help to teach him? No, you dont have to be concerned. Only 50% of kids have mastered walking by their first birthdays. But 90% of toddlers take those big first steps by the time they are 15 months old. Your child is normal.Many toddlers have the physical ability to walk, they just have to get over a mental hurdle to be confident enough to do it. If this describes your child, here are a few tips:Gently hold her hand while walking until she gains more confidence.Give her a walking toy (like a pretend lawn mower or shopping cart) to play with. Shell soon forget that she is walking!If you are really anxious about it, try a gadget called Walking Wings (upspringbaby.com; sold at major baby store chains) that makes your child think you are holding onto him while he is cruising around.Just wait it out for a few weeks.If your child cant walk because he cant support his weight on his legs, then you need to check in with the pediatrician. Q. My 15 month old wont let me leave her sight. Help! Does your 15 month old blow a gasket if you step into the kitchen just to check on the casserole in the oven? The official term is separation anxiety . Whats all the fuss about?Take it as a complementhe likes hanging out with you and is comforted by your presence. Your toddler also has no concept of time. So, if you leave your childs sight, he doesnt know if you are leaving for a minute, an hour, or for a lifetime. That would make anyone a little anxious, right? And how dare you leave playtime on the living room floor to go to the bathroom, or worseleave him at daycare to go to work. Egocentricism, baby. Its totally about him, and not about you.Dont try to outsmart your toddler by sneaking out the door when he starts playing with the sitter or daycare provider. This is the wrong solution. It can actually make separation anxiety worse. If your child takes his eyes off of you, and then you disappear, he will be very hesitant to leave your arms. Your child needs to know that you are leaving.Whats the best strategy to survive this phase? Here are some tried and true tips: Always say goodbye. Talk to your toddler. Tell him you are going to make dinner now, use the restroom, or whatever it is that takes you away from him. Tell him you are coming back soon. Make your exit short and sweet. Lingering does no one any good. Dont feel guilty. Yes, your child might cry, but he will quickly move on to his next activity.The good news: separation anxiety only lasts a month or twoor three. Q. My 15 month old cries every time my mother-in-law comes over. What should I do? Remember when your baby would smile and go to anyone who opened their arms to him?Not anymore. Now your toddler (usually 12-18 month old) will cling to any of your available body parts when another person looks at him. And he will look to you for approval of this person. This is called stranger anxiety. Look on the bright side: your child is gaining more awareness of his surroundings and wants to be sure a stranger is okay before letting him enter his space. The downside: sometimes that stranger is a grandparent or loved one who doesnt visit every day. That can be awkward when your toddler has no desire to be held by someone who has made a special trip just to visit him!Its also a challenge if your child is in the throws of stranger anxiety when you start a new childcare situation. You may wonder if its just a normal phase or if your childcare provider is not a good fit for your child.Here are a few tips to get through these situations:Give your toddler some time to check out the stranger before expecting him to go to this person.Have a friendly conversation with the stranger. This shows your child the stranger is someone who you are familiar with and like.Warn the grandparents before their arrival that your child is not so keen on new people.If you are in a new childcare setting, see how your child does over several days. Once she knows and gets used to a new care provider, she should smile or show you she is happy to see this person. (She still might protest when you leave though, thanks to separation anxiety). Kids who do not like their childcare providers will tell you without words. No need to buy a nanny cam!Lower your expectations and be patient. This too shall pass.What isnt normal? Its unusual for a child to continue his play or exploration and not seek approval of his parents (like he is in his own world). Its also a red flag if a child does not desire to be comforted by a parent in a new situation with new people. Bottom Line You are your childs security blanket. Thats why he will stick to you like glue when a stranger appears. Q. My 18 month old only has a few words. All my relatives tell me not to worry because he is just a late talker like his uncle. Should I worry? Its normal if your child only says five or six words plus mama and dada. Its abnormal if your child has only a word or two and no words to call for mom or dad. And while your Uncle Harry may have been a late talker and turned out just fine, that does not mean it is normal.Look for an explosion of language in the next two or three months. When language development takes off, it really takes off. The light suddenly turns on and a child will pick up a new vocabulary word every day. If you dont see this happening, you need to contact your pediatrician. Dont wait until your childs two-year well check to tell his doctor that your toddler only has a handful of words.See more about language disorders in Chapter 6, Challenges. See more about red flags below.(Agin MC) Q. Is it true that boys talk later than girls? Yes. Research shows that girls have a developmental advantage over boys in the language department. We just start talking and never stop!So, we will cut your son a little slack if he doesnt hit those language milestones as quickly as his big sister. But regardless of sex, there are red flags that should always be addressed (see below).(Kavanaugh JF) RED FLAGS: Late Talkers (Filipek PA)See more on this issue in Chapter 6, Challenges.Here are the red flags for when to get help:12 months old: No babbling, pointing, or gesturing16 months old: No single words24 months old: No two-word sentences (example: Mommy go.)Loss of language skills at any age Q. I have 18 month old twins. Is it normal for their language development to be lagging? Yes, and there are many reasons why this happens. Its that nature vs. nurture thing. First, many twins are born prematurely and/or with low birth weights. Both of these factors are a set-up for developmental delays, although most kids catch up to their peers.But there appear to be environmental factors too. Twins get less one-on-one conversation time with their parents or caretakers. Instead, its usually a three-way conversation. This may interfere with promoting language skills. And twins learn to communicate with their own twin language, called idioglossia. They have less motivation to speak like their parents because they create their own.In the long run, twins do just fine. But dont hesitate to get help if either or both kids are significantly behind in their milestones. Early intervention makes a difference. Q. My two year old hears two languages in our household. Will he talk later than normal? The official term is bilingualism. It is true that early language skills are complicated by learning two languages at once. Two year olds often mix vocabulary and grammar from both languages. But by age three, kids are usually fluent in both languages. (Rice T, Coplan J, Genessee F) Q. Im the only one who can understand what my two year old is saying. Is this okay? Yes. A child should master most language sounds by age five. Prior to that, here is the rule of thumb: Two years old: language is about half understandable to strangers Three years old: about three-quarters understandable to strangers Bottom Line If no one understands what your two year old is saying, thats okay. If no one understands your four year old, thats a problem. Note: it is okay for a four year old to still have some trouble with certain sounds like r and th. Q. My two year old doesnt play with other children in playgroup. Is this normal? Short answer: yes, it is very normal. Your child will test the waters for quite a while before he is ready to play together with another child.Two year olds will play side by side; this is called parallel play . The kids will notice each other, but they will not work on things together (and they definitely will not share). If one child is interested in an item that the other one has, he will likely grab it away or wait until the object is left unattendedwhether or not a fight breaks out depends on his or her temperament (see Chapter 2, Discipline for that). Yes, it is survival of the fittest.Three year olds are capable of taking turns with items, although they may not be happy about it. Setting a timer for the length of time one child may play with an item is a good way to teach fairness.By the time your child is three or four, she will finally play with another child (called associative play ). Often this play involves pretend scenarios where each child has a role to act out. Q. My two year old doesnt know his colors yet. Could he be color blind? At this age, it is unclear. While some kids know all their colors when they are two, many kids do not know them until they are four or five. So, color-blindness is not something your childs doctor can test for before five years of age. For details on color-blindness, see Chapter 17, Diseases.Bottom: there is a broad age range when kids reach this milestone. Q. My two-and-a-half year old suddenly started stuttering. Should I worry? Most of the time, no. A child may have relatively fluent speech and then lapse into stuttering for several weeks. Or, he may only stutter when he is trying to say something important or quickly. Stuttering begins around two to four years of age and can run in families.The good news75% of kids who stutter will outgrow it on their own. Although it happens equally among boys and girls, boys are more likely to need help to overcome it.The term speech fluency describes the ability to put sounds together correctly and flow words together into sentences. Stuttering is considered a dysfluency. There are two categories of dysfluencies: Between Word Dysfluency Example Interjections Where, um, where is she going?Phrase repetitions Is she going..is she going to the store?Revisions She is going to..I think she left. Within Word Dysfluency Example Repetition of sound/syllables W-w-where is she going?Prolonged sounds Wwwwwhere is she going?Blocks [silent pause]Where is she going? RED FLAGS: Stuttering How do you know whether your child will outgrow it or not? Here are the red flags for when to get help: (Zebrowski PM)Stuttering more than six months without improvement.Stuttering begins after age three.Another family member stutters/needed therapy to improve.Here are some resources for more info:American Speech Language and Hearing Association (asha.org)Friends: The Association of Young People who Stutter (friendswhostutter.org)National Stuttering Association (nsastutter.org) Q. When is my child old enough to help with chores? Around two years of age. You can give your child more complex chores as she gets older, but your child can be an active participant in your family starting right now. Chores give your child a sense of accomplishment and it gives you some help around the house. Warning: dont expect perfection. Just be satisfied with task-completion!What chores are age-appropriate? Heres a quick list:(Anderson J) Age two: Pick up toys.Wipe off the coffee table.Fold napkins for dinner. Age three: Feed the pets.Match up the socks in the clean laundry.Set the table (silverware, plastic dishes and cups).Stack magazines and books.Sort dirty laundry into a pile of whites and colored clothing. Age four: Make the bed.Fold laundry and put it into drawers.Help wash the car.Pulling weeds or planting in the garden.Water the plants.Help put groceries away.Help unload the dishwasher.Help clear the dinner table. Q. My three year old isnt potty trained yet. Should I push him to do it? Nope. Toilet training, like walking and talking, is a developmental milestone and your child is going to achieve it when he is ready. But you can certainly encourage it and cheer him on! See Chapter 7, Toilet Training, for a complete run-down. Q. My three-and-a-half year old doesnt have a hand preference yet. Is this okay? Yes, its okay.Kids usually develop a hand preference between 18 and 24 months. They will preferentially use one hand over the other to hold a fork, spoon, or writing instrument. Some kids use both hands interchangeably up to age four, and this is still normal.Whats not normal is for a child under a year of age to have a dominant hand. Thats a red flag for a weakness of the non-dominant side (see cerebral palsy ). Putting it all together Youve seen the developmental checklists, and youve had the crash course in Child Development 101. Now you are ready to put it all together. Here are the real questions the pediatrician will ask you at each well child visit to see if your child is tracking where he should. 12 month old You should answer yes to most of these questions. It is okay if your child has not accomplished a few of these milestones yet. Large Muscle Can your child stand, holding on to something? Yes / NoDoes your child crawl, scoot, or walk holding onto furniture (cruise)? Yes / NoCan your child stand alone? Yes / NoCan your child take steps or walk alone? Yes / No Small Muscle Does your child feed himself (without utensils)? Yes / NoDoes your child hold his own cup? Yes / NoDoes your child pick up small items between his thumb and index finger (pincer grasp)? Yes / NoDoes your child bang objects together? Yes / NoCan your child put objects into a container? Yes / No Language/communication Comprehension: Does your child respond when you call his name? Yes / NoDoes your child understand what you are saying to him? Yes / NoDoes your child look where you point when you say, Look at the _______. Yes / No Expression: Does your child say mama or dada and mean it? Yes / NoDoes your child say one word besides mama or dada? Yes / NoDoes your child babble like he is speaking a foreign language that you cannot understand? Yes / NoDoes your child take turns talking to you, as if in a conversation? Yes / NoDoes your child try to get your attention? Yes / NoDoes your child communicate his needs without words? Yes / NoCan your child shake his head to say no? Yes / No Social/intellectual Does your child play high-5 with you? Yes / NoDoes your child imitate you (e.g. pretend to talk on the phone, clean up, or use the remote control)? Yes / NoDoes your child wave bye-bye? Yes / No Autism Screening Questions You should answer no to all of these questions. Inform your childs doctor if any of your answers are yes.Does your child have constant repetitive behaviors, like flapping of the hands? Yes / NoDoes your child have a unusual preference for a hard object, like preferring to carry a phone around instead of a doll or blanket? Yes / NoDoes your child avoid eye contact? Yes / NoDoes your child act like he is in his own world? Yes / NoIs your child bothered by cuddling? Yes / No 15 month old You should answer yes to most of these questions. It is okay if your child has not accomplished a few of these milestones yet. Large Muscle Can your child walk alone? Yes / NoCan your child run? Yes / NoCan your child climb up stairs? Yes / NoCan your child walk up stairs? Yes / No Small Muscle Does your child feed himself (without utensils)? Yes / NoDoes your child hold his own cup? Yes / NoCan your child scribble? Yes / No Language/communication Comprehension: Does your child follow simple instructions? Yes No Expression: Does your child say mama or dada and mean it? Yes / NoDoes your child say 3 words besides mama or dada? Yes / NoDoes your child try to get your attention? Yes / NoDoes your child point/grunt to communicate his needs? Yes / No Social/intellectual Does your child imitate you (e.g. pretend to talk on thephone, clean up, or use the remote control)? Yes / NoDoes your child pretend when she plays (e.g. feed a doll)? Yes / NoCan your child play ball with you? Yes / No Autism Screening questions You should answer no to all of these questions. Inform your childs doctor if any of your answers are yes.Does your child have constant repetitive behaviors, like flapping of the hands or rocking obsessively? Yes / NoDoes your child have an unusual preference for a comfort object, like a cell phone instead of a doll or blanket? Yes / NoDoes your child avoid eye contact? Yes / NoIs your child bothered by being held or kissed by you? Yes / No 18 month old You should answer yes to most of these questions. It is okay if your child has not accomplished a few of these milestones yet. Large Muscle Can your child walk alone? Yes / NoCan your child run? Yes / NoCan your child climb up stairs? Yes / NoCan your child walk up stairs? Yes / NoCan your child walk backwards? Yes / NoCan your child push and pull items? Yes / No Small Muscle Does your child feed himself with a spoon or fork? Yes / NoDoes your child hold his own cup? Yes / NoCan your child scribble? Yes / NoCan your child take off his shoes and socks? Yes / No Language/communication Comprehension: Does your child follow simple instructions? Yes / NoCan your child point to pictures of words he knows? Yes / No Expression: Does your child say mama or dada and mean it? Yes / NoDoes your child say six words besides mama or dada? Yes / NoDoes your child try to get your attention? Yes / NoDoes your child point/grunt or use words to communicate his needs? Yes / No Social/intellectual Does your child imitate you (e.g. pretend to talk on the phone, clean up, or use the remote control)? Yes / NoDoes your child pretend when she plays (e.g. feed a doll)? Yes / NoCan your child play ball with you? Yes / No Autism Screening Questions: See M-CHAT, Autism Screening Checklist in Chapter 6, Challenges. Two year old You should answer yes to most of these questions. It is okay if your child has not accomplished a few of these milestones yet. Large Muscle Can your child run? Yes / NoCan your child climb up stairs? Yes / NoCan your child walk up stairs? Yes / NoCan your child walk backwards? Yes / NoCan your child push and pull items? Yes / NoCan your child kick a ball? Yes / No Small Muscle Does your child feed himself with a spoon or fork? Yes / NoDoes your child hold his own cup? Yes / NoCan your child scribble? Yes / NoCan your child take off his shoes and socks? Yes / NoCan your child turn the pages of a book? Yes / NoCan your child build a tower with four blocks? Yes / No Language/communication Comprehension: Does your child follow simple instructions? Yes NoCan your child point to pictures of words he knows? Yes / NoDoes your child know at least six body parts? Yes / No Expression: Does your child say at least 50 words? Yes / NoDoes your child speak in two or three word sentences? Yes / NoIs his speech half understandable to strangers? Yes / NoDoes your child try to get your attention? Yes / NoDoes your child use words to communicate his needs? Yes / No Social/intellectual Does your child imitate your activities (e.g. cooking, cleaning,working on the computer?) Yes / NoDoes your child pretend when she plays (e.g. feed a doll)? Yes / NoDoes your child show affection and accept affection from you? Yes / NoWill your child play next to another child? Yes / No Autism Screening Questions: See M-CHAT, Autism Screening Checklist in Chapter 6, Challenges. Three year old You should answer yes to most of these questions. It is okay if your child has not accomplished a few of these milestones yet. Large Muscle Can your child walk up stairs, with alternating feet? Yes / NoCan your child jump up and down? Yes / NoCan your child balance on one foot for a second? Yes / NoCan your child throw a ball overhand? Yes / NoCan your child ride a tricycle? Yes / No Small Muscle Does your child feed himself with a spoon or fork? Yes / NoCan your child draw a circle? Yes / NoCan your child put his shoes on? Yes / NoCan your child turn the pages of a book, one at a time? Yes / NoCan your child open a door? Yes / NoCan your child wash and dry his hands? Yes / NoCan your child build a tower with six blocks? Yes / No Language/communication Comprehension: Does your child follow two-part instructions? Yes / NoDoes your child understand in, on, under? Yes / No Expression: Does your child say at least 500-1000 words? Yes / NoDoes your child speak in three to five word sentences? Yes / NoIs his speech half understandable to strangers? Yes / NoCan your child say his name, age, and gender? Yes / NoDoes your child use pronouns? (I, you, we) Yes / No Social/intellectual Does your child imitate your activities (e.g. cooking, cleaning,working on the computer?) Yes / NoDoes your child pretend when she plays (e.g. play doctor)? Yes / NoDoes your child show affection and accept affection from you? Yes / NoDoes your child understand taking turns? Yes / NoWill your child play with another child? Yes / No Four year old You should answer yes to most of these questions. It is okay if your child has not accomplished a few of these milestones yet. Large Muscle Can your child balance on one foot for a second? Yes / NoCan your child throw a ball overhand? Yes / NoCan your child ride a tricycle? Yes / NoCan your child hop up and down? Yes / No Small Muscle Does your child feed himself with a spoon or fork? Yes / NoCan your child draw a cross or an X? Yes / NoCan your child draw a person with three body parts? Yes / NoCan your child put his shoes on? Yes / NoCan your child get dressed without help? Yes / NoCan your child brush his teeth? Yes / NoDoes your child have a hand preference? Yes / No Language/communication Comprehension: Does your child follow multiple-part instructions? Yes / NoDoes your child recognize some letters and numbers? Yes / No Expression: Does your child speak in four to five word sentences? Yes / NoIs his speech completely understandable to strangers? Yes / No Social/intellectual Does your child pretend when she plays (e.g. play doctor)? Yes / NoDoes your child recognize and name a few colors? Yes / NoDoes your child show affection and accept affection from you? Yes / NoDoes your child play well with other children? Yes / NoNow that you know the theories behind how children learn and develop, you are probably wondering how to apply that knowledge. We have a whole chapter devoted to that (See Chapter 5, Play & Preschool). Well give you tips on how to foster your childs development for each age and stage. But coming up next, well look at all those quirky toddler behaviors that will have you scratching your head and wondering... is this normal? Chapter 4: Is This Normal? Whats in this Chapter Odd behaviors Imaginary Friends Fears &Anxiety Special Situations You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ~Dave Barry O dds are, there will be a moment when you wonder if your toddler is an alien. And were not talking about one of those friendly ET-type aliens. Nope, we talking about bizarre behavior that might have you speed-dialing your local genetics lab to make sure your DNA really does match.So, when your child decides to eat shag carpeting, who you gonna call? Us, your toddler wacko-behavior myth-busters. Well discuss all those odd behaviors that your toddler might do, from eating dirt to sucking ones toes. Whats normal and what should you be concerned about? This chapter also will give you advice on when your toddlers imaginary friend decides to move in and file a W-2. Plus well cover androgynous play (cue the Boy George soundtrack). Finally, this chapter will also discuss toddler fears (such as separation anxiety) and what happens when you bring home a new baby. Odd behaviors, rituals, and play by ages Q. My child eats _________ (carpet pile, dirt, etc). Is this dangerous? Is it normal? Well, its a bit eccentric, but it most likely is NOT harmful.Is it normal? Probably. Some children demonstrate compulsive behaviors when they are stressed. Its a coping mechanism much like hair twirling or pencil chewing in an adult. However, if your child is spending more of her day doing odd behaviors than normal ones, its time to discuss this with your childs pediatrician. Youll need to figure out what is triggering this behavior. Kids with iron deficiency may obsessively eat nonfood items or ice chips. This disorder is called pica . And kids who have other unusual behaviors plus eating the carpet pile should definitely be evaluated. Q. My toddler bangs her head when she is upset. My son used to rock his body. Are these behaviors normal? Most likely, yes. 20% of all kids rock their bodies and 6% bang their heads. These behaviors start around six months of age and continue through toddlerhood. Believe it or not, kids find these repetitive movements soothing. And we promise, in most cases, toddlers wont bang their heads hard enough to do any permanent damage. (If they do, they really might have a psychiatric disorder and should be evaluated by a professional!)Body rockers usually start moving as they are falling asleep or waking up. They also do it to music. Most kids stop doing this by age three or so, but a few will continue to do it into their teens.(Levine MD) Q. My child has specific rituals for playing with items, getting ready for bed, etc. If we deviate from these rituals, he gets very upset. Is this normal? Kids thrive on situations where they are in control. They also like things to be predictableit gives them confidence in what they are doing. With that said, a child may like his trains lined up a certain way and get very upset if they are moved. Or a child may throw a fit if you brush his teeth before putting on his pajamas. These are normal behaviors.There are extreme obsessions or compulsions, however, which do deserve to be checked out. Here are some red flags: Rituals interfere with activities of daily living (child prefers lining up trains to eating or interacting with humans). Rituals that cause harm to the child or others. Infinite number of rituals. Q. My child still has a pacifier. When is the right time to get rid of it? Remember you (the parent) are in control of the pacifier. You can decide when it disappears. The good news: infants suck to soothe themselves, but toddlers have many more strategies. For more info on this, check out Chapter 12, Hygiene.This is yet one more opportunity for a discipline moment. You are setting a limit on your childs behavior to promote a healthy lifestyle. Older kids who use pacifiers may have tooth alignment issues and are at greater risk of ear infections. They also tend to continue putting other items into their mouths instead of exploring them with their hands. Be strong and make the break. Your child will move on more quickly than you think he willlike in a day or two. Really. Q. My child still sucks her thumb. Do I need to discourage this? It depends on the age of the child. The bad news about thumb-suckers is that you have no control since you cannot take the thumb away. The vast majority of kids wont be sucking their thumbs in kindergarten. See an in-depth discussion of this issue in Chapter 12, Hygiene. Q. My toddler bites her nails. What can I do about it? Nail biting is a coping mechanism. Kids will do it when they are tired, threatened, or just plain bored. On the plus sideat least she isnt banging her head or eating carpet pile.There are a few strategies to limit nail biting: Offer a more positive way to reduce stress like a stress ball to squeeze. Or give your child a small swatch of satin fabric to keep in her pocket. In stressful moments, she can sneak her hand into her pocket to get her fix. Make the child count to ten before she can bite. It breaks the cycle. Allow nail biting to only occur in the childs room. She must stop her activity and take a break in her room if she needs to bite. Do a manicure. Girls respond well to this one. The only way to keep the pretty polish on is to stop biting. Try a polish to stop the biting. Bitter nail polish formulas are sold in drug stores and work the same way as the thumb-sucking remedies we discuss in Chapter 12, Hygiene. Q. My child plays with his genitalsconstantly. Is this normal? Its quite normal for a child to explore his or her own body. And boys are NOT the only ones who do it. I had a female patient who used to ride the highchairs at restaurants. Needless to say, the family didnt eat out much!Preferably, body exploration happens in the privacy of your own home and not out in public. A non-judgmental way to approach this: tell your child that you know it feels good to touch his body, but it is something he can do in his own roomits not okay to do it in public or in your living room. Helpful Hint: Naming embarrassing body parts Parents come up with cute words for their childrens genitals because they themselves are uncomfortable saying the anatomically correct words. Lets face it folks, we all either have a penis or a vagina. And our kids are fascinated with these areas.While it is acceptable to say private parts or genitals, we also think your child deserves to know the real names of them. And eventually, you will have to tell them what all those parts do (that discussion is beyond the scope of this book, phew!). For your toddler or preschooler, explanations can be given out on a need to know basis.Here is a true story. My daughter, who was four at the time, was examining her genitals in the bathtub one night. She said, Mommy? My urethra is where the pee-pee comes out and my anus is where the poop comes out. But my vagina is only used when the baby comes out? I said, Thats right. Just for when the baby comes out. Like I saidneed to know basis.P.S. While you are having these conversations, its a good opportunity to remind your child that these areas are private. No one else should be seeing or touching them besides Mom, Dad, or the doctor. For more information on when your child should stop seeing your private parts, see Chapter 12, Hygiene. Q. My daughter demands to pick out her own clothing. She wants to wear crazy combinations or her dress-up clothes. Should I allow her out of the house dressed like this? Yes. Its called independence and self-expression. As we discussed in Chapter 2, Discipline, this is a classic case of picking your battles. Bottom line: it wont hurt your child if her shirt doesnt match her pants. Q. My daughter has an imaginary friend who joins her everywhere she goes. Is this normal? Yes.An imaginary friend is someone a child can talk to who never disagrees and always listens. Think about what your child hears everydayDont touch that, Not now, sweetie, Were not buying that. You get the idea. When a child doesnt get his way for the twentieth time, he may want to boss someone else around.Sometimes, the child is the good Dr. Jekyll, and the imaginary friend is Mr. Hyde. It lets the child play out bad behavior without consequence. But occasionally, a child will do something bad and use the friend as a scapegoat.Kids may also use imaginary friends to practice social situations before doing something with a live playmate.It is normal for kids to have imaginary friends. They eventually move on from this phase on their own. If you have imaginary friends as an adult, medical attention is suggested! Q. My child gets carried away with pretend play. Normal? I had a patient who pretended she was a kitten. She came into the office on numerous occasions wearing her cat ears headband and meowing. At every appointment, her mother asked me if this was normal behavior, and I reassured her that it was. After about a year, the toddler came to visit without the ears on. I asked her if she was still a kitten and her mother said, with a sigh of relief, Weve moved on.In my practice as a pediatrician, I have also had guest appearances by Spiderman, a lion, and several firefighters.As a parent, I would only be worried about pretend play if your child is incapable of having moments of being him/herself... or suddenly has a case of hairballs. Q. My son likes to paint his fingernails. Is it okay? Its called androgynous playwhen girls play with trucks and boys play with dolls. Does this type of play confuse a child? No, but this behavior almost always drives dads nuts. Fathers, much more than mothers, will offer sex-appropriate toys to their child in infancy and react in a negative way when their preschooler plays with gender specific toys of the opposite gender. (Levine MD) But is this play abnormal? No. So, a quick memo to Dad: chill out. Q. My three year old has started lying to me. Is this normal? Yes. Dont be shocked when your child starts fibbing. He has his reasons. For starters, kids want to avoid punishment and embarrassment at all costs. They also learn early in life what earns praise from adults... and giving parents what they want sometimes involves lying!Tall tales also count as lying. Kids have wonderful imaginations. And remember their intellectual development will not help them sort out fantasy from reality until after age five or so. Until then, a childs wishes or fantasies may be revealed in the stories they tell.If your child is habitually lying, try to discuss the issue of truth and lies without making the child feel guilty about it. For more tips, see Chapter 2, Discipline. Odd, But Normal Behaviors We know some of these behaviors will disturb you, but they are nothing to worry about unless your child spends a substantial portion of his day only doing these things. (Levine MD) Infant onset (0-1 year) Sucking behaviorThumb and finger-suckingLip sucking and lip bitingToe-suckingFoot kickingRocking and rollingBody rockingHead rollingHead bangingTeeth grinding Toddler onset (after 1 year of age) Nail biting Nose pickingScratching/picking Tears and Fears Q. My toddler gets extremely anxious about certain activities. Is this normal? What should I do about it? Kids are afraid of things they cannot controlsuch as going to the doctor or getting their haircut. Why? Someone else is calling the shots... and they dont know what to expect. This fear extends to loud noises, animals, the dark and so on. Remember, fantasy and reality blur together for a young child (read the section about how your child learns in Chapter 3 Milestones).You must respect the fear, even if it seems irrational. Fears dont go away just because you dont think your child needs to worry. Your child will still worry and then not share his feelings with you. Instead, he will internalize the fear and you may see unwanted consequences of this, such as sleep disruption or avoidance of pleasurable activities.Take-home tips: 1. Prepare your child for situations when you can . I have to turn on the vacuum now. 2. Empower your child. Whip up a spray bottle of Monster Be-Gone (really, just water). 3. Face fears . Take your child to the petting zoo or pet store to get used to animals. Dr Bs Opinion: Fears I completely relate to kids being afraid of things they cannot control. I absolutely hate turbulence when I fly. I never liked scary rides at the amusement park, and I really dont enjoy the feeling of having my stomach in my mouth, especially when I dont expect it. So, when your child fears a new activity, what should you do? The key advice: give your toddler as much notice as possible.On a recent flight, the pilot came on to the overhead speaker and said, Folks, we are about to go through a choppy patch right about..now (just as the plane dropped). Although I still had white knuckles holding on the armrests, I felt much better about it. Really. Q. My child is afraid of birthday parties. Should we cancel the festivities for her? No, just keep it simple and small. You dont have to invite the entire neighborhood. Loud music, lots of kids running around, and being the center of attention can be overwhelming to a young child.Think of the party from your childs perspective. You are used to comfortable, predictable routines. Without warning, you enter a tribal ceremony. Many strangers gather around you, touch you, and chant around you. You are forced to sit in front of something with fire on top of it. For all you know, you might be the main course.Some tips: Limit the number of guests, and follow your childs cues for when he has had enough.P.S. The same rules apply for Halloween. People in costume can be very scary to little ones. When I was three, I panicked when I saw my mother dressed in cap and gown for a graduation ceremony. Just imagine what a witch looks like to a little one. Q. My son still cries about everything. Is this okay? My husband still cries every time he watches Field of Dreams. Yes, its okay for a child of either sex to cry to express his or her feelings. By the time your child is five or six, hell start pulling it together and wont cry over spilled milk. Some of this is maturational and some of it is peer pressure.If you think your child is overly emotional, check in with your doctor. Q. As a Dad, my son and I used to have a wonderful relationship. Now he only wants to hang out with Mom and I might as well not exist. What happened? We couldnt do a child development chapter and leave out Dr. Freud. Little boys fall in love with their mommies and little girls fall in love with their daddies. Freud coined these concepts the Oedipus Complex and the Electra Complex. For those of you who forgot your Greek mythology, Oedipus fell in love with his mother and killed his father. Dont worry, your son wont be coming at you with a butter knife.Preschoolers enter a love affair with the parent of the opposite sex for a while as they are sorting out their sex roles. Eventually, kids repress these feelings and begin to identify with the parent of the same sex.Bottom line: be patient. Dont assume your child has rejected you because of these feelings. Special situations Q. Our toddlers behavior has changed dramatically since we brought our newborn home from the hospital. Is this normal and how long will we have to endure it? Think about it this way. If you lived in the limelight and suddenly had to share it, you would be upset too.I view this behavior much like the five stages of grieving when someone loses a loved one. That loved one, in this situation, is the old relationship with Mom and Dad. For a toddler version of these stages, see below.We can tell you not to feel guilty, but we know you wont listen to us. Your child will forgive you, and, someday, thank you for bringing a new friend for him into the world.FYI: it usually takes about six to eight weeks for a child to reach a point of acceptance. (Kubler-Ross E) Stage 1: Denial. That baby is nice, but can we give her back to the hospital now? This isnt really happening, right? Stage 2: Anger. How dare you bring this baby home! This is all your fault, Mom and Dad! Tantrum, tantrum, tantrum. Excuse my while I go demolish my room. Stage 3: Bargaining. If I act really nice, can the baby go live with Grandma? See what I can do? Please pay attention to me. Stage 4: Depression. I am so sad that Mommy and Daddy brought this baby home. I just want to play alone in my room. Stage 5: Acceptance. Okay, this baby isnt so bad. She sleeps a lot and she is kind of cute when I can get her to smile at me. Maybe I will forgive Mom and Dad for turning my world upside down.See Chapter 2, Discipline for more discussion on having a second child. Q. We just had a death in the family. How do I explain that to my toddler? And should I take her to the funeral? Your approach to the situation depends on your childs level of understanding and her relationship with the person who has passed away.No one ever likes having discussions about death, but you should talk to your child about ithopefully before you are faced with a family member who has died. Other things die that are a part of a childs worldlike flowers, bugs, pet goldfish. Take advantage of these times to bring up the topic.Remember where preschoolers are developmentally; they are not even concrete in their thinking yet. They can have some irrational concerns and fears about death. Help relieve those fears by talking about death in ways they will understand.Deciding whether your toddler should attend a funeral is never an easy call. It really depends on the child. Sometimes the visual is too traumatic for the child. Sometimes it helps provide closure. If you do decide to bring your child, be sure to explain what will happen BEFORE you get there.Here are some tips for dealing with the death of a loved one: (Jolley PD) Dont say death is going to sleep. Your child wont ever want to sleep again! Do explain that not everyone who is sick will die. Do explain that the child had nothing to do with the persons death . Preschoolers often think they did something wrong to cause the event. Dont give a toddler too many details. Do let them grieve. Let the child keep a special item to remember the loved one. Dont hide your grief. Its okay to let your child see you cry. Do stick to your childs routine as much as possible. Travel and funeral arrangements can make it difficult, but kids are more comfortable when they follow their schedules.Here are a few good books to read to your child about death:The Tenth Good Thing About Barney (Viorst, Judith)Nana Upstairs and Downstairs (DePaola, Tommy)The Jester Has Lost His Jingle (Saltzman, David) When Dinosaurs Die (Brown, Marc and Laurie)Coming up next: lets talk play and preschool. How can you stimulate your toddlers development? And what is the difference between daycare and preschool? Well discuss this and more next. Chapter 5:Play &Preschool Whats in this Chapter The Best Toys Sensory Play ELFStew:Toy Safety Sign Language Enrichment programs &Preschools Playgroup etiquette Easing the Transition to Preschool Music Lessons Computer/TVUse Life/Work Balance You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think. ~ Elbert Hubbard To a toddler, play is not trivial. Its hard work! Children learn how to fine tune their skills and figure out the world through play. So, making play time a priority gives your child many opportunities to learn. Of course, that doesnt mean spending an amount equivalent to Perus GDP on fancy developmental toys. It means that you should give your child time, space, and items that will encourage him to play.Well guide you through this maze with some practical suggestions. First, well discuss HOW your toddler plays at different ages and explore the world of toys, with specific suggestions and advice. Youll get help on how to find safe, un-leaded toys. Then, well go over how you can make the most of playtime with your toddler. Next, well discuss language and your toddler, including a recommended reading list of the best books for tots. Finally, well discuss enrichment programs, preschools and other activities like play classes. How do you best prepare a child for preschool? What do you look for in a preschool to begin with? Well answer these questions along with advice on music lessons, computer use and more. Stimulating Your Toddlers Development Play Q. Do children play differently at different ages? Yes. And its helpful for you to understand these stages so you can encourage your child to learn through his play. Heres how it breaks down: 12-18 month old: A young toddler explores through her senses and manipulates items with her hands. She experiments with how one action produces another (such as, dumping out all the toys in a bucket just to see how they fall). Your house is her playground as she uses her new ability to walk, run, and roam. Her play is loose and unstructured, but shell look to an adult for guidance. She needs help because she is just beginning to fine-tune her eye-hand coordination, large muscle skills, and finger control. 18-24 month old: As large and small muscle skills improve, a toddler places items where he wants them to go and uses trial and error to problem solve (example: mastering a simple wooden puzzle with knobs). Hell run and climb. He pretends more and acts out activities he sees grown-ups doing. He plays by himself, or with an adult. But he wont play with other children yet. Two years old. A two-year old loves to pretend. She acts out a story or situation with toys or props (such as pushing race cars or taking a baby doll for stroll). Adults help by taking a role or providing the play-by-play of the event. Her improved small muscle skills let her manipulate objects, draw and paint. She can start to build things. A two-year old plays next to another child and takes note of what that child is doing. However, two-year olds dont play together. Three years old. A three-year old has better small muscle skills. This, and his improved reasoning skills let him do some pretty sophisticated play. He may sequence or order items, string beads, or figure out a more complex puzzle. He is more coordinated now, which means he will enjoy more activities on the playground. And three-year olds like to play together (finally, you can take a break from being your childs only playmate!). Four years old. A four-year old actively plays with other kidsand much of that is imaginative play. Each child has a role to play in make-believe scenarios. Hell love the playground and early sports games because he has good large muscle skills and decent coordination. A four-year old might have terrific small muscle skills and can begin writing letters and cutting with scissors. Others are still working on those skills. Dont be a helicopter parent Helicopter parent. n. The term used to describe a parent who hovers over her child.A study done at Penn State University (Eaton MM) showed that parents who were over-involved with their kids not only drove their kids nuts but also themselves! These parents based their self-worth on their childrens successes. While its normal to feel badly when your child fails at something, its not normal to let it take over your life.Providing your child with developmentally stimulating experiences is one thingjust dont go overboard. Learn how to let go. Give your child roots and wings and watch your child fly. Q. What are some good toys or activities for my child, based on his age? Before we get to specifics, remember this key piece of advice: you dont have to buy all of this stuff to win parent-of-the-year award. Yes, weve seen parents that have outfitted their house with every expensive developmental toy they can find online. And we understand their motivationbut no, you dont have to spend a fortune turning your living room into a preschool classroom.Our suggestions are tried-and-true sources of fun and learning, and have been classics for several generations of kids (some may bring back memories of your own childhood!).Here are the general types of play and their corresponding toys. You may own several of these items already. If you are purchasing items, look for toys that are multi-functional, with numerous ways to play.Of course, as with any toy purchase, safety is a key concern. For example, if your child is still putting everything in his mouth, hes probably not ready to play with finger-paint or small objects that can be choking hazards. (We have toy safety tips later in this chapter). Sensory play: These are activities that encourage creativity and use the five senses. Examples: water or sand in a dish tub with measuring cups, plastic cups, a sieve, or beach shovels. We have recipes to make your own play dough, silly putty, and slime earlier in this chapter. Manipulatives: These improve finger-muscle and eye-hand coordination. Examples: stringing wooden beads on yarn, shape sorters, puzzles, building blocks. Books: Books encourage vocabulary and early reading skills. (Our favorite reading list is found later in this chapter.) Art: Arts and crafts projects stimulate creativity, small muscle groups, eye-hand coordination, and self-expression. Examples: finger paint, sidewalk chalk, non-toxic crayons. Tip: offer large blank sheets of paper to draw on (not coloring books). It reduces frustration and encourages creativity. Dramatic play (pretend play): Pretending helps with social skills, social experimentation, and creativity. Examples: kitchen set (old pots, pans, wooden spoons), doctor kit, dolls, dress up clothes (old scarves, chunky jewelry, hats, ties, shirts, sunglasses). Floor play: Designate an area in your home for your child to spread out and play. This area can be a perfect place for building roads and cities with large wooden blocks, train tracks, or dancing to music on a rainy day. Outdoor play: The playground or backyard are ideal locations to work on large muscle groups (arms and legs) and burn off energy! Examples: large balls for throwing, kicking, and bouncing. The Value of Make-Believe Do you remember playing dress up or cops and robbers as a little kid? Of course, you do. Kids love to pretend, if given the opportunity. Why the heck do kids do this? And why is it important that we give them the opportunity?Kids like to pretend because it gives them the chance to work out situations they experience in real life. This is part of normal development. And as you will see in the next chapter, its a red flag if a child doesnt pretend, imitate, or have symbolic play.Psychologists think pretend play helps kids develop critical thinking skills and something called self-regulation. A self-regulated child controls his behavior and emotion. Self-regulated kids not only do better in school, with lower dropout rates, but they succeed on all levels of development.Some researchers feel that the changes in the way children have played over the past 60 years has taken its toll on childrens emotional and intellectual development. As kids play more with structured toys and less with just their imaginations, self-regulation has declined. Translation: lots of expensive developmental toys arent necessary a good thing.When kids play independently and pretend, they make up their own rules and follow them. They talk to themselves about what they are doing. That inner voice equates to self-regulation. As a child gets older, he has more elaborate pretend play with other kids. He has to act out his role, remember what the other actors are doing, and improvise on the plot twists. That requires self-control.As one developmental researcher, Dr. Adele Diamond, points out, we might have fewer kids diagnosed with ADHD if more kids learned self-regulation as toddlers and preschoolers.The message: just let your kid keep on pretendingand give him the free time to do it. (Spiegel A) Do it Yourself:Recipes for Sensory Activities Nope, you dont have to spend a fortune on toys and other toddler play activities. Here are recipes for do-it-yourself fun: Slime (Goldberg E)2 cups white glue2 cups waterliquid food coloring1 tsp borax (powdered laundry starch)1. Pour glue into mixing bowl. Slowly add one and a half cups of water and several drops of food coloring.2. In separate bowl, dissolve borax in half cup of water.3. Add borax to glue mixture. Knead for 10 minutes until the slime separates between fingers.4. Refrigerate overnight to let slime firm up before use.5. Knead slime to soften before each use.Lifespan: two weeks, stored in airtight container. Play dough 2 cups flour2 cups water1 cup salt2 Tbsp cooking oil4 tsp cream of tartarliquid food coloring1. Mix ingredients in heavy pan.2. Cook over moderate heat for three minutes, stirring constantly.3. Remove from heat, but continue to stir until dough gets stiff.4. Cool on waxed paper.5. Add food coloring.Lifespan: several weeks, stored in sealed plastic bags in refrigerator. Silly Putty 1 cup white glue1 and 1/2 cups liquid laundry starch1. Add glue to the starch.2. Stir and the glue will congeal.3. Drain off excess liquid.4. Store in airtight container in refrigerator. Bubbles (UT Austin)1/4 cup liquid detergent (Joy works best)1 1/4 cup water1/4 cup glycerine (found in pharmacy section of grocery store)Mix together to make rainbow hued bubbles. Specific suggestions for play by age Fun for a 12 month old: Sensory play: rattles, free standing musical table, nursery rhymes CDs and books.Manipulatives: nesting cups, stacking rings, pots and pans/wooden spoon, plastic containers.Books: Pat the Bunny and other board books (they have a dual role as teething toys).Art: thumbprint art.Floor play: playing catch (rolling a beach ball).Other games: play peek-a-boo, hide and seek, This Little Piggy Went to Market. Fun for a 15 month old: Sensory play: bathtub toys while bathing or used in a water-filled basin, maracas, tambourine, bells.Manipulatives: shape sorter, soft building blocks.Books: Goodnight Moon, Barnyard Dance .Art: stamping.Dramatic play: pretend phone, remote control.Floor play: Beach ball/Nerf ball and basket (trash can, laundry basket, or a small hoop), Toy lawn mower, toy shopping cart/ play food, toy stroller/crib and baby doll.Outdoor play: play tunnel.Other games: sing the body parts song: Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Fun for an 18 month old: Sensory play: Sandbox (or sand table) with beach toys/shovel or with cups, measuring spoons, strainer, funnel.Manipulatives: Small nesting/stacking boxes, fabric activity books.Books: Big Red Barn, Brown Bear Brown Bear, First Words photo board books.Art: Crayons, fingerpaint.Dramatic play: Plates/utensils, picnic blanket, picnic basket, tea cups and teapot, Little People toysets (farm, garage, school bus), dollhouse (not the collectors kind).Floor play: Construction vehicles (dump truck, front loader, etc), emergency vehicles (police car, ambulance, fire truck).Outdoor play: Blowing bubblescatching, popping, stomping them, sidewalk chalk, small slide with a climb up unit.Other games: fingerplays Itsy Bitsy Spider, Songs: On our Way to Grandpas Farm or Old McDonald, Wheels on the Bus. Fun for a 2 year old: Sensory play: Playdoh and rolling pins/cookie cutters, flashlight/shadow play.Manipulatives: Simple wooden puzzles with knobs, big Legos, Duplos.Books: Barnyard Dance (and any other rhyming books), Very Hungry Caterpillar .Art: Sponge painting, Dot Art paints.Dramatic play: Community helpers dress up (fire, police, doctor/nurse, mail carrier).Floor play: Mini sports sets: Basketball net, T-ball, golf, balloon volleyball, bean bag throw.Outdoor play: Scavenger hunt/nature walk (collect rocks, leaves, snails, pine cones), Big Wheel (or plastic tricycle).Other games: Letter and number magnets on the fridge, Play I spy, Red light, Green light. Fun for a 3 year old: Sensory play: Flour in a plastic tub with cups, funnels, sifters, sing-a-long songs (personal favorites: Hap Palmer, Greg and Steve, Joe McDermott).Manipulatives: Stringing wooden beads/cooked tube pasta/fruit loops, Sorting with puff craft balls and muffin tins.Books: Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, Mama Do You Love Me? , It Looked Like Spilt Milk .Art: Watercolor painting.Dramatic play: Puppets (bought or homemade), felt story boards/storytelling puppets, dress up.Floor play: Wooden train set, wooden block set.Outdoor play: Tricycle (and a helmet).Other games: matching games, sorting games. Fun for a 4 year old: Sensory play: shaving cream, uncooked beans, or rice in a plastic tub with cups/spoons, musical instruments (xylophone, drums, triangle, rhythm sticks).Manipulatives: Simple cooking projects (making pizza, bread), cutting coupons or magazine clippings (modified I Spy), smaller Legos, Lincoln Logs, building sets.Books: Sheep in a Jeep , Jamberry , Five Little Monkeys , Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly. Art: Etch-a-Sketch or doodling pad, painting easel.Dramatic play: Dress up characters (ballerina, super hero, chef, pilot, cowboy).Outdoor play: Gardening, hopscotch, small swing set, wiffle ball/T-ball, races with an obstacle course (sports cones).Other games: Counting games, Go Fish, Candy Land, Simon Says, Bingo. Ideas for your dress up/props box Doctors office (patient chart, eye chart, stethoscope, reflex hammer, mini-flashlight).Pet Vet (stuffed animal, patient chart, stethoscope, reflex hammer, mini-flashlight).Restaurant (pots, pans, plates, utensils, menus, order pad, pretend money, chefs hat, apron).Grocery Store (plastic foods, empty cereal boxes, shopping cart, cash register, pretend money).Tea party/picnic (teapot, teacups, napkins, plates, utensils, pretend food, blanket, basket).School-teacher/students (books, chalkboard, paper, pencils, stuffed animals for students).Construction site (pretend tools, tool belt, hard hats, orange cones, safety tape, construction vehicles). Helpful Hint: Teacher supply stores Look for teacher supply stores in your community for a larger selection of products than your local toy store. Lakeshore Learning Materials (web: lakeshorelearning.com) is one popular haunt among teachers that also sells products online. While you probably wont find any bargains at these stores, you will find anything and everything you are looking for! Insider Tip: Words and Music Cant remember some of those golden oldie kid classics that you loved? Here is a free website to help you out: www. theteachersguide.com/childrenssongsatog.htm. Voice lessons are not included. Q. How do I play with my child? Parents often ask this question. Here is the simple answer: you just do it.We know how you feel. You may be a defense attorney who is at home in a courtroom battle, but you get the jitters having a tea party with your two year old. Its really not that hard, though. Here are some tips for the play-challenged parent: (Bornlearning.org) Have fun . Even if you are having tea with the queen (that is, your daughter), dont look like a stiff. Kids can tell when parents arent having fun. Kids rule. The idea of play is for your child to use his brain. Let him come up with the ideas for how to draw something or make a puzzle piece fit. Its your job to be the assistant if he gets stuck. If your child is getting frustrated, help him troubleshoot. But let him come up with the solution. Know when to stop. Playing is hard work. Move on to other activities before your child wigs out.And when you do get on the floor to play, make sure your head is in the game. Here are a few reasons why you cant fake it:1 Self-esteem. Kids are really savvy. They figure out quickly that their parent isnt into it. While you cannot always be available to be a playmate, showing that you are interested goes a long way to supporting your childs self esteem and confidence in social situations. Just think about how youd feel if your spouse had no interest in what you did with your time!2 Problem solving. Kids do need to learn how to problem solve and find creative strategies to make toys work or make something fun to play with, but sometimes they need a little nudge or some guidance. Racing through a project or just telling your child the answer is not a learning experience for him.3 Role model . Your kids are watching youalways watching. If you rush through something just to complete the task, what have you taught them? If you take pleasure in the process, so will they. Reality Check: The Value of Play An interesting study looked at the effects of toddlers (ages 18-30 months) with autism and parents who worked with them using play-based learning techniques. Half of the children received therapy by professionals. The other group had therapy with professionals and their parents, who learned how to use specific teaching strategies at home. The professional-only group had a seven point increase in IQ points two years later. The group of kids who had both professionals and trained parents working with them saw a 17.6 point increase in IQ points. (Dawson G)While this study specifically addressed children with autism and parents who were taught how to play with their kids, consider the broader implications. You may think that sitting down with your child to have a tea party or build a Lego tower is just playtime. But to a child it is an important moment to learn social skills, communication skills, eye-hand coordination, spatial relationships, counting, and ordering. You can help guide your childs play to make him consider these things. Q. My toddler always wants to play with me. Is it okay for her to play alone every once in a while? Yes. There is great value in playing independently. Kids have to figure things out on their own and learn how to entertain themselves. And it provides valuable time to use their imagination and creativity.Remember when our parents said, Go play outside? We did. Somehow we were able to figure out something to do to entertain ourselves.Kids today seem to have less opportunity to play independently. Obviously, there are several factors at work here. First, there is myriad of kiddie entertainment available today that wasnt around in 1979. Second, there is the perception that society is more dangerous today than it was back then. Our parents never worried that someone would abduct us from the front yard.Despite all these reasons and excuses, our point here is this: young children are not learning how to play independently. This is an important skill for problem solving and confidence building. Make sure to give your child some time everyday to play alone. Q. When should my child start taking swim lessons? The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends swim lessons after one year of age when a child shows signs of readiness. Preschoolers who take formal swim lessons reduce their chances of drowning by over 80%. For more information regarding water safety, go to Chapter 19, First Aid. Language Q. How can I teach my child to communicate with me? Before your toddler has an extensive vocabulary, it can be frustrating for everyone to communicate. Here are some practical tips: 1. Talk on her level (eye to eye). Bend your knees and look into each others faces. Thats her cue to listen. If you are speaking over her head physically, you are probably speaking over her head literally, too. 2. Talk on her level (age appropriately). Make your sentences shorter, or even just use single words to describe things. For instance, instead of saying, Honey do you want the cup?, say, Cup? Some experts even suggest saying the childs name before the word to get the childs attention (e.g. Susies cup?). 3. Speak in the present tense. Kids need to be able to follow along. If you have already done something and then start talking about it, your child will have no visual aid to understand what you are referring to. 4. Think out loud. Yes, it feels silly having a monologue at the grocery store or at a restaurant, but it helps your child learn words. Your child will learn more vocabulary words in the produce section than by sitting down with a set of flash cards. 5. Peat and Repeat. Use the same word several times in a row when you show an item to your child. 6. Play dumb. Some kids are hesitant to use their words. They have mastered the point and grunt and get their demands met. Thus, they lack motivation to resort to speaking. If you think your child is capable, pretend you dont understand what your child is pointing to and see if he speaks up! Q. Do you think sign language is beneficial? Imagine being a toddler. Its like living in a foreign country and just trying to find out where the bathroom iseveryday. Its easy to understand why kids get frustrated and have tantrums. Sign language is a very trendy approach to solving this age-old problem.Children are capable of understanding language and communicating non-verbally long before they have the ability to speak. So, teaching a toddler hand gestures to communicate makes sense. Is there scientific proof that signing is beneficial? Yes. One study found that infants and toddlers who were sign talkers spoke earlier and performed slightly better on IQ tests at age eight than their non-signing peers. (Goodwyn SW)But lets talk about the real world here: even if you make an intensive effort to teach your baby to sign, the average toddler will learn only a few words. However, sitting down with your child to learn any new skill has its merits, so we wont be too critical when it comes to baby sign language. For kids who truly have expressive language delays, however, sign language is an extremely useful way to communicate.If you choose to teach your child sign language, you can create the hand gestures on your ownyou dont need to buy a book. Formal programs which use ASL (American Sign Language) are really only helpful if you plan on your child learning sign language as a second language.If you choose not to teach your child sign language, dont fret too much. Regardless of race, sex, or nationality, most kids master the universal point and grunt skill to express themselves before they can speak. Q. Should I teach my child a foreign language? I hear that kids learn a lot better than adults. An article in Newsweek several years ago reported that kids who learn a second language before age ten speak more fluently than those who learn when they are older (like in high school). Couple that fact with the news that kids who have at least four years of foreign language education score better on the verbal portion of the SAT (SAT)... that makes every parent want to buy the deluxe Swahili For Toddlers App.While those reports are interesting, we urge parents not to get carried away with this. Yes, some schools and even preschools now offer foreign language in their curriculums. If it is something that appeals to you, check it out. But dont feel guilty if your child hasnt mastered three romance languages by age ten. The Best books for Toddlers As a first-time parent, you know you need books for your toddler. But where do you start? Here are our top picks. This list is organized with the easiest books first, in order to encourage beginning readers. (Colman L) Read-to-me books Big Red Barn, Goodnight Moon, Runaway Bunny (Brown, Margaret)Barnyard Dance, Moo Baa, La La (Boynton, Sandra)1,2,3 to the Zoo, The Very Hungry Caterpillar (Carle, Eric)Jamberry (Degan, Bruce) Alphabet books 26 Letters and 99 Cents (Hoban, Tana)Chicka Chicka Boom Boom (Martin, Bill)Alligators All Around (Sendak, Maurice) Counting books Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed (Christelow, Eileen)Arlene Aldas 1 2 3: What Do You See? (Alda, Arlene)26 Letters and 99 Cents (Hoban, Tana)Rain Dance (Appelt, Kathi) Labeling books* *Refers to easy vocabulary word accompanied by picturesRichard Scarrys Best Little Word Book (Scarry, Richard)Richard Scarrys Just Right Word Book (Scarry, Richard) Books with few words Hop On Pop, Green Eggs and Ham (Seuss, Dr.)Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? (Martin, Bill) Wordless books* * Books that contain pictures only. Children create their own story.Good Dog, Carl (Day, Alexandra)The Snowman (Briggs, Raymond) Easy readers Madeline (Bemelmans, Ludwig)Are You My Mother? (Eastman, PD)Go, Dog, Go (Eastman, PD)Danny and the Dinosaur (Hoff, Syd)The Carrot Seed (Krauss, Ruth)If You Give A Moose A Muffin (Numeroff, Laura) Must Have Classics The Snowy Day (Keats, Ezra Jack)Make Way for Ducklings (McCloskey, Robert)The Rainbow Fish (Pfister, Marcus)Curious George (Rey, H.A.)Where the Wild Things Are (Sendak, Maurice)Cat in the Hat (Seuss, Dr.)The Giving Tree (Silverstein, Shel)Caps for Sale (Slobodkina, Esphyr) Q. Can I teach my child how to read? You set the stage, and your child does the rest. How? Reading to your child on a daily basis makes books a constant part of her life. Reading time is a chance to bond and promote language development simultaneously. When your child is interested and ready, she will learn to read on her own.One of the most critical pre-reading skills is understanding how single letters or letter combinations make certain sounds (the $10 term here is phonemic awareness). Next, kids memorize certain words that they see all the time (like and or the)those are called sight words. Heres how kids put it all together: they decipher words by breaking down sounds and recognize familiar words by sight.The key to success? Having fun. Dont push it. Your child does not need to know how to read when he starts kindergarten.Here are some easy things to do to encourage reading: Read to your child every day. Repetition is the key. Label your childs possessions (that is, write blocks, Legos, dolls on storage boxes) Have your preschooler keep a diary. He can sound out words and write them the way that they sound. Play I Spy with road and store signs. Reality Check: Toy Safety Toys are meant to be fun. Yet sadly, there are over 200,000 toy-related emergency room visits and ten deaths per year in the U.S. Obviously, no parent wants her child to end up in the emergency room.Back in 2007, a massive toy recall was announced just about every time you turned on the TV. Lead and magnets were two main culprits of toy recalls, but many parents focused their ire on China, which makes about 80% of all toys sold today.So, how can you tell if a toy is safe? Do we only need to worry about choking hazards and lead exposure? Is there anything else dangerous lurking in our kids toys? Doesnt the government regulate these items to make sure they cant harm children?Unfortunately, just because a toy is on the market does NOT mean it has been safety tested or even meets federal safety standards. Yes, the federal government has toy safety rules (for example, all toys with small parts must be labeled as not appropriate for children under age three). But that doesnt mean unsafe toys are kept off store shelveswitness the large number of toy recalls each year. With only a handful of staff devoted to toy testing, its no surprise the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) has failed to adequately do its job.So the take-home message is EDUCATE yourself on toy dangers. And if you purchase toys online, know that only one-third of online retailers display toy safety warnings such as choking hazards. The Consumer Product Safety Commission does not require online retailers to provide this info.Since most toys are purchased during the winter holiday season, heres a good way to remember how to weed out dangerous toys for your toddler: ELF STEW. E Electrical toys. These toys can cause electrical shocks or burns. Opt for a battery-powered toy instead. L Loud noises. Some toys will be intended for outdoor use only. This is the secret code that means this toy is REALLY LOUD. Prolonged exposure to sounds at 85 decibels or higher can cause hearing damage. Several toys on the market exceed 100 decibels when they are measured at close range. For example, kids play with toy pistols close to their earsthat can be a problem if they emit a loud noise. F Flying objects. These items may accidentally fly into a childs eye or head and cause injury. S Sharp edges. Poorly made toys may have hard pieces of plastic or pins that stick out, which can cause cuts and abrasions. T Tiny parts. Young children swallow small toy pieces, creating a choking hazard, or may put them in other interesting body parts like the nose or ears. A good rule to follow: if the toy is smaller than the diameter of a toilet paper roll, it is too small to be in your toddlers house. E Emotional hazards. Violent videos or games can have a significant emotional impact on your child. Snow Whites evil stepmother can be pretty darn scary to a young child, or even an adult! W Wrong toy for the age of the child. Even if your child is a prodigy, its a good idea to follow the intended-age use for a product. Otherwise, you may be setting yourself up for potential injury.And even if a toy seems safe, be sure to supervise your toddler while he is playing. Children find creative, unintended, and dangerous uses for toys. (Look at Chapter 19, First Aid for what to do when your toddler sticks a toy up his nose or in his ear!) Red Flags: Lead & Toys Now, lets talk lead. In 2007, there were at least 29 separate toy recalls due to lead contamination. Here is a brief Q&A on lead and toys: Where is the lead coming from? Some recalled toys were painted with lead paint. Lead is also a plasticizer, so its added to vinyl or plastic to make it softer. And then theres metal jewelry that may have a veneer of brass or nickel. Unfortunately, this jewelry sometimes contains lead, which is especially troubling if kids put it in their mouths. Over 175 million pieces of novelty jewelry were recalled in 2007 for lead contamination. Wheres the regulation? Well, the CPSC allows a very small percentage of lead (600 parts per million) by weight of the toy. But many recalled toys exceeded this limit despite the safety rules. And in the case of costume jewelry, products that are sold to adults (and then given to children) are not regulated by the CPSC at all. How do kids get exposed to lead in toys? While some kids move on from their oral phase of exploring everything with their mouths after their first birthday, many kids do not. Toddlers are the highest risk group of children because they like to play by putting toys into their mouths. Teething also leads some toddlers to chew their toys. So kids who are putting lead-laden toys into their mouths (especially if the toy is chipped or cracked) are at risk. And just licking costume jewelry (or worse, eating it) can be a hazard. So, whats a parent to do other than talk to her congressperson or volunteer to work at the CPSC? Here are some practical tips from Dr. Michael Shannon, the former co-director of the Pediatric Environmental Health Center at Childrens Hospital, Boston (Shannon MW) (along with a few tips of our own): DO buy brand-name only toys. Yes, we realize big companies like Mattel have had problemsbut we still think they are a safer bet than off-brands for toys. Why? These brands have a huge stake in making sure they arent linked to lead recalls. DONT buy toys from discount or dollar stores. Most sell cheap imported toys that are NOT brand namesa red flag. DONT buy used toys from resale shops or garage sales. They may be cracked or chipped already. DONT buy costume jewelry for toddlers. If your daughter insists on being accessorized, buy her a nice hat and purse. DONT buy toys with magnets. Toddlers have been hurt when magnets detach and are swallowed. DO consider buying toys from web sites like Amazon. Why? Amazon will send you an email notice if one of your toy purchases is recalled.If you are worried that your child may have been exposed to lead toys, your doctor can do a simple blood test. Note: there is no actual safe level of lead exposure. Even low levels of lead may have subtle lifelong impacts on learning and development. If your childs blood lead level is elevated, identify and remove the source of leadask your doctor for help in this process. For more information on lead exposure, see Chapter 17, Diseases.We will also discuss plastic toys and their potential chemical hazards in Chapter 18, The Environment & Your Toddler. Tech & Toddlers: TV, computer and more Q. When can my child watch educational TV and DVDs? Im so glad you asked! The answer: two years of age.As one of the authors of the 2011 American Academy of Pediatrics policy statement on media use in kids under age two, I can answer this question and give you the back story on it! (AAP)Back in 1999, the AAPs position on screen time for babies and toddler under two was simple: no TV at all. Yet the research to back this position was limited. The response from parents and even some pediatricians was: wheres the harm if a baby is entertained by a video so a parent can make dinner or take a shower. Has Elmo ever killed a toddler?In fact, despite the AAPs advice, 90% of children younger than two years watch some form of electronic media every day. And once kids tune in, it is hard to tune out. Todays children, by the age of 70, will have spent 7 years of their lives parked in front of the TV. (Levine MD)But the concerns raised are even more relevant now, with virtually unlimited access to screens. So the AAP analyzed data from 50 new studies and came to the following conclusions:Our kids are fortunate to live in a world that offers so many ways to learn. Educational television programs and DVDs can capture a childs attention and actually teach them something (for kids old enough understand it).However, television is a passive form of learning. You will always be able to teach your child more by engaging with him one on one. TV is not educational for kids under two. Why? Because at this age videos get lost in translation. Studies show that children have trouble deciphering the content and context of television programs compared to having a live person demonstrate the same information. One study aired a Teletubbies episode both forwards and backwards to children under 24 month olds. They laughed either way! While some kids over 18 months of age might get it, most kids do not. Young children dont learn from TV or DVDsdo not be fooled by programs that claim to be educational or developmentally stimulating for toddlers. Entertaining yes, educational no. TV is distracting for the parent and the child. A parent is much more likely to talk to a child who is playing in the room nearby than if a child is watching his kiddie program. This talk time is a necessary part of learning language and social skills. And parents TV viewing is also an issue. A child who is playing in the living room while a parent watches an adult-oriented show (or the show is just on in the background) will look up at the screen several times a minute and move on from one toy to the next more quickly. He is less focused on his play. View this as the adverse effect of secondhand TV. And no surprise here, the parent is focused on watching the shownot the child. TV displaces playtime. We know you cant sit down and play with your child 24/7. And we know you may not be able to keep the TV off 100% of the time. But realize that independent or solo play is a valuable use of your childs time. That is how kids fine-tune skills that they need in this world (like problem-solving or using their imagination). Your childs brain is more stimulated by figuring out what to do with some free time and say, a cardboard box. Its not okay to leave your child in front of the TV all day just because the channel is tuned to PBS. TV may be harmful. TV time significantly reduces the time a parent spends talking to his child. This talk time turns out to be pretty critical for a young childs emerging language skills. Bottom line: Children under two who watch TV have fewer vocabulary words than their non-TV watching friends. There are also concerns about the effects of TV on sleepboth the quality and quantityin TV watching tots. While the jury is still out on the long-term effects of videos (passive media) on little ones, pediatricians tend to follow the precautionary principle. When in doubt, why not avoid a potential hazard?Once your child enters the media world, there is no turning back. Set up some ground rules.If you let your toddler watch televised programs, have concrete strategies to manage it. Review the content first, watch with the child, and limit the amount of time in front of a screen. No TV or computer in your childs bedroom. You want to monitor what and when your child is watching. Theres also a certain level of social isolation that occurs when family members retreat to their own media space. Also: falling asleep in front of the TV is associated with sleep problems. Limit total daily screen time to two hours a day for kids over age two. Screens include TV, computers, smart phones, tablets, and kiddie electronic toys (from V Tech toys, Nintendo DS, etc.). Have your child watch pre-recorded programs (on a TiVo, for example) to skip over the commercials. Also: DVDs are commercial-free. Sit and watch with your child. Discussing the content of the show makes the experience a teaching moment. Watch your shows later! Yes, media limits apply to everyone in the house. Be a good role model and make use of the time you have with your little one. Reality Check Sesame Street and Dora The Explorer are definitely educational for their intended audiencekids over age two. Q. When can my child start using a computer? Toddlers as young as age two can master the mouse and learn letter and number recognition on the keyboard. And there are many educational software programs designed for toddlers and preschoolers. Obviously, you are in charge of monitoring the content of the programs. We dont want your preschooler bidding for used Elmos on eBay. Make it a house rule that surfing the net is allowed only with an adult nearby.Just remember that computer time is a sedentary activity. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than two hours of TOTAL screen time (computers, DVDs, TV) for kids per day over the age of two. Q. Can my toddler play with my iPhone or iPad? The AAP has no official recommendations yet. AAP policies are based on scientific evidence and in this case, science lags far behind the pace of new technology.Our advice: the answer depends how much you trust your toddler with an expensive piece of equipmentand how desperate you are to entertain him. And it also depends on how you use the technology.There are some great interactive apps that let kids test their ordering, sequencing, cause and effect, and problem solving skills. There are also virtual versions of classic toys we played with as kids (remember Etch A Sketch?). But an app can never replace toys. There is real value in figuring out how to take two blocks in your hands and stack them on top of each other so they dont fall over. You cant do that on an iPad.But remember, if you use your iPhone to stream Elmo videos for your squirmy 15 month old while you and your spouse try to eat dinner, this falls into the passive media category just like TV useand it is not recommended.In my experience, once the cat is out of the bag, your child will be as addicted to it as you are. Reality Check A recent survey of over 2000 families conducted by software maker AVG Technologies, discovered that more two year olds know how to maneuver a mouse and play a computer game than swim. And more four and five year olds can navigate an iPad or smartphone than tie their shoes. In this high tech world, try not to lose sight of teaching other important life skills to your kids! The Entertained Generation? If you go to a family-oriented restaurant these days, its hard NOT to find a zillion kids plugged into a portable game player, cell phone game kiddie app or a movie on Moms iPhone. Call it the Entertained Generationthese kids think any free moment of time must be spent plugged into a gadget.Call us crazy, but wouldnt kids be better off if they actually talked with parents, counted sugar packages or played I-spy?No matter where you are, here is a key point to remember: playtime is extremely important to your childs development. Active play requires your child to think, problem solve, and use his imagination. Your child can actively play with you, another child, or alone. Limit passive play that allows the toy (or electronic gizmo) to do the thinking for him. Your child doesnt always need to be entertained. His imagination is limitless. Resist the temptation to make your child another casualty of the Entertained Generation. Enrichment programs, preschools, other activities Q. My toddler goes crazy if she is cooped up in the house all day (and so do I). Any ideas? Get out of your house! Start networking with other families who have young children. Look for other parents in your neighborhood, religious community, local library, and community center. Join a playgroup or start one yourself. Seek out Parent and Me programsyou can find out about these gems from other parents or listings in local parenting magazines. There are a multitude of enrichment programs that provide you and your toddler relief from captivity. Reality Check The point of enrolling your child in an enrichment program is not to give him a competitive edge in kindergarten. The point is to get the two of you out of the house. Some programs are more enriching for the parents than for the child, and thats okay. You may find it a therapeutic place to share parenting challenges. These programs may also give you ideas for fun activities to replay at home. Even if you are not a stay-at-home parent, you may find enrichment programs a great way to spend time with your little one.Here are some programs that are available nationally (and some, internationally). Gymboree Play and Music (web: gymboreeclasses.com) True story: the first time I heard parents talking about Gymboree, I thought everyone was going shopping. Classes are divided by age group and topic. Programs include: music, art, sports, and school skills. Little Gym (web:thelittlegym.com) Gymnastic classes focus on large motor skill development:Here is a sampling of their classes:Developmental Gymnastics for four months to 12 years old.Dance for three to 12 years old.Cheerleading for three to 12 years old.Karate for four to 12 years old.Sports skills for three to six years old.An added bonus: They offer a Parents Survival Night class for three to 12 year olds (parent drop off). Kindermusik (web: kindermusik.com)These programs promote language development and music appreciation. They encourage fine and gross motor skills by playing with musical instruments, dancing and sign language.Here is a sampling of their classes:Kindermusik Village for newborn to 18 months old.Kindermusik Sign and Sing for 6 months to three years.Kindermusik Our Time for 18 months to three years.Imagine That, and Music Box programs for three to five years old.Kindemusik Family Time for newborns and up.Here are some other programs to check into: Mothers Day Out. These programs, usually sponsored by religious or community groups, offer half-day childcare for infants and toddlers once or twice a week. The environment is often a nurturing one, but with no structured curriculum. Contrary to what the name implies, parents drop off their child for only a couple of hours (not the entire day). Mommy and Me. (or Parent and Me) These programs can be found at religious or community centers and offer structured activities with both the parent and the child present. These are often useful resources for ideas to try at home. Playgroups. Independently formed parent and child circles that get together on a semi-regular basis to play (and maintain sanity) in peoples homes. Some groups get very sophisticated with the level of planned activities and field trips. Other groups are more casual. You may get invited to join an existing group; or be bold and start your own. Storytime. Check your local library or bookstore for periodic childrens book readings. And while you are at the library, get your child his own library card. He will carry it proudly and, hopefully, be inspired to use it. Reality Check: Playgroup etiquette. Its a good idea to set up some ground rules so parents dont get offended and then feel uncomfortable speaking up. Here are a few tips: 1. Dont bring a sick child to playgroup. 2. Dont bring an older sibling to a group with little ones, unless everyone feels comfortable doing it. 3. Dont feel compelled to serve a three-course meal at your hosted event. The last thing you need to be doing is cooking something elaborate with a toddler under foot. Dr Bs Opinion: Playgroup Anxiety A playgroup can take on a life of its own. While discussions with other parents can be supportive and thought provoking, they may deteriorate into comparing children (and pediatricians advice). If you leave the playgroup more anxious than relieved, find a new playgroup. Q. Does my child need to be in preschool? No, your child does not NEED to go to preschool. Will it help your toddler keep up with other kids when they start kindergarten? Yes.Kids under the age of three do just fine having one-on-one time with a nurturing caring adult. They dont need to be around other children for developmental stimulation. If you choose to enroll your child earlier than age three, thats finejust have reasonable expectations of what you want your child to get out of the program (such as, having new toys to play with or simply just getting out of your house).Kids under three years of age do not play together. They do something called parallel play , meaning they play side by side and occasionally observe one another. When they do engage, it is often to vie for a coveted toy in a toddler version of Survivor. Around the age of three, kids engage in associative play . Now is the time your toddler can develop into a socialized and civilized human being... really! Learning to share and respect others are reachable goals for this age group. And in an instructional setting like preschool, toddlers can also learn some important pre-academic skills such listening, paying attention, early phonics, and counting.Will your child still have a shot at an Ivy League school if he doesnt go to preschool? You bet. You just make the most of your time together and capitalize on those teaching moments. No, this does not mean you drill him on flash cards or buy the entire Baby Einstein library. It means you get down on the floor with your child and take advantage of learning opportunities. For example, when your child is building a tower of blocks, count how many you can stack up before it falls. Q. What is the difference between preschool and childcare? There is a big difference, although the line between the two is starting to get a bit fuzzy.Preschool programs have structured curriculums that include academic skills, learning through play, independent learning, and so on. Preschool, in its purest form, is a half-day program that meets two, three, or five days a week.Childcare, on the other hand, is intended to provide a nurturing and developmentally stimulating environment for kids while a parent is unavailable (that is, usually working). The schedule of the day depends on the age group of the classroom but usually includes both structured and unstructured playtime. Because many childcare programs are full-day programs, meals and naps are uniformly scheduled for the group.Of course, the real world isnt so black and white. In recent years, weve seen hybrids where preschools have added childcare services... and vice versa. Many preschools now offer extended hours similar to childcare programs and include lunch, nap, and free play (that is, very little structure). And many childcare programs are adding structured preschool curriculums to augment their services. Preschool Curriculums:Look beyond the name There are several types of preschool curriculums. Some are well-known, like Montessori. Even if you are familiar with a particular program, though, experts say you should still kick the tires of any school. Since schools implement curriculums in such a varied manner, you cannot predict what the experience is for children by the name alone, according to Carol Armga M.S., Retired Director of the University of Texas at Austin Child and Family Lab School.The take-home message: whats most important is to consider how a program individualizes the curriculum for the needs of each child. Q. Is there any benefit to sending my child to preschool? Yes. There are numerous studies to show that children who attend preschool have long-term positive benefits. (Vandell DL) Below are just a few examples. Preschool grads are:More likely to excel academically and act-out less.More likely to finish high school and get a job.Less likely to need special education services or to repeat grades.Less likely to get into trouble with the law or have unwanted pregnancies.And you just wanted your child to learn how to share! Reality Check: Universal pre-k education? There is a movement afoot to offer pre-kindergarten education to all children. I know what you are thinking: our public schools are already under-funded, how can our tax dollars pay for another year of school for everyone? Looking at the long-term benefits, however, pre-kindergarten saves society money.We think Libby Doggett, Ph.D., executive director of Pre-K Now said it best: High quality, voluntary pre-k for all children not only improves the K-12 education system, it actually saves money too. When children enter kindergarten more prepared to succeed, schools and society at large benefit through costs savings associated with greater academic success. Helpful Hints: Preparing for preschool Children who have spent a majority of their lives with a parent around may have fears about leaving the nest. Here are some practical tips to help them fly. Preparing your CHILD for preschool: Make a dry run. Show her where the school is. Take a tour if you can. Meet and greet. Set up a time for your child to meet her teacher and see the classroom. Calm fears. Ask her about any fears. Explain that other kids feel the same way and thats fine. Be comforting. Reassure your child she will have fun and believe it yourself. Preparing YOURSELF for preschool: Keep informed. Touch base with your childs teacher regularly. Get involved. Participate in school functions. Be positive. Even if your child had a bad day, find one thing she enjoyed. Have a routine. Preschool helps regulate schedules for naps, bedtime, and wake up times. Have a Plan B. Prepare to have a child who cries or melts down at preschool. Ask your teacher if it is okay to bring a comfort object. (A good book to read to your toddler: The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, Child & Family Press). And find out if there is a safe place in the classroom for your child to go to if he needs to calm down. Shots for tots. Regulated preschools abide by state vaccination requirements for school entry. Make sure your childs shots are up to date. (See Chapter 15, Vaccines for more info). Insider Tip: Easing the transition Programs of high quality provide for a period of transition at the start of school to introduce the child to the new environment and adults. This might include the teacher doing a home visit, a school visit to allow the child and parents to freely explore together, as well as modified starting days where parents may stay with the child. Carol Armga M.S, Retired Director of the University of Texas at Austin Child and Family Lab School Q. What should I look for in a preschool program? The National Institute for Early Education Research (NIEER) has created a ten-item checklist to rate preschools across the country. Here is their list: Check curriculum standards: Does the learning plan cover language, math, science, social skills, cognitive skills, health and physical development? See more about curriculums in the box earlier. Does the lead or head teacher have a bachelors degree? Does the lead teacher have special training in pre-kindergarten education? Does the assistant teacher have an associates degree? Do the teachers attend at least 15 hours of continuing education classes annually? Is the maximum class size 20 children or less? Is the staff/child ratio 1:10 or less? Is a periodic health screening performed? Are parent support services available? Are meals/snacks provided?FYI: You can see how your state measures up in the quality of preschool programs by going to www.nieer.org.Other items we might add to this list include those we discuss later in this chapter. We also suggest determining how the schools curriculum will fit with your childs temperament or learning style. Visit several programs. Parent 411: Gifted &TalentedDos &Donts Gifted children are those who have outstanding abilities in one or several of these categories: general intelligence, academic skill, creativity, leadership, visual/performing arts, or reasoning.(Marland SP)Gifted and talented testing can be performed at public school once your child is age five. Each school district varies on how programs are implemented for these students. Some favor accelerated workloads, and others lean towards separate curriculums. Regardless, it is clear that these children benefit from enrichment programs.Before your child is age five, here are some practical tips: DO offer enrichment. Identify interests that your child has and roll with them. If your child loves learning about animals, go to the zoo often. Enrich that experience by asking for a tour guide if one is available. Go to the library and select books about animals. If you are tech savvy, do an Internet search on animals and create a Powerpoint presentation together. DONT be pushy. Dont over-schedule your child with too many programs. All kids, gifted or not, learn through play. All kids also need down time. While you may be tempted to enroll your gifted child in several activities, he may do better in just one that he really enjoys. DO treat the child like a normal kid. Kids will be kids. If you treat a gifted child as unique or different, he will begin to feel the pressure of being in the limelight. It also creates a strain on sibling relationships (who cannot measure up to their special brother or sister). DONT be afraid to say, I dont know. Gifted kids ask a lot of questionssome you probably wont be prepared for or know the answer to. When your four year old worries about world hunger, its okay to say you dont know all the answers to complex problems. But you can learn about these things together. DO find other gifted kids. Some (but not all) gifted kids may be square pegs when it comes to socializing with other kids. They have different concerns and priorities compared to their peers, and as a result, have trouble finding anything in common. Eventually, gifted kids will find each other. But until that day happens, you may need to identify potential playmates for your child. DONT pressure the child to succeed. Most gifted kids do a fine job of pressuring themselves to be over-achievers. Having parents add to this pressure only makes a failure that much more devastating. (Levine MD) Helpful Hints: Doing an observation When you visit a potential preschool to do an observation, look for the following:1. Staff-child interactions. How is discipline managed? Is the staff taking advantage of teaching moments or letting the children play independently and merely supervising?2. Activity level. Is it chaos in the room or is play organized?3. Physical space. How is the space divided? Look for a combination of spacious areas, small nooks, tables for group activities and places for pretend play. The room should be well lit and inviting.4. Toys. Are the toys developmentally appropriate? Are there plenty of books?5. Variety of activities: Are there small group activities, large group activities, opportunities for solitary play and quiet time? Is there a balance of structured and unstructured time?6 . Playground equipment. Is it safe? What is underneath it? The fall zone is where most injuries occur. BOTTOM LINE Research has shown that high-quality childcare programs have positive effects on a childs intelligence, language, and school readiness, particularly for kids who have developmental delays. And no surprise here, good teachers use the same tricks good parents dowarmth, responsiveness, and the ability to let a child be independent.Do your homework. Check out several preschool programs. Ask the director about teacher-student ratios and teacher certification. Once your child attends the school, be sure to visit. If it doesnt feel like a good fit, be flexible and move on. Old Wives Tale:The Mozart Myth Does listening to classical music create smart kids?That bit of lore has entered mainstream culture in the past ten years, as a myriad of products, videos and CDs aim to boost childrens IQ with doses of Mozart.Where did this notion come from? And is it true?In 1993, researchers at the University of California, Irvine set off the Mozart Effect craze by publishing a study that purported to show college students got an IQ boost from listening to classical music before a test. The same researchers announced in 1997 that piano instruction helped improve kids abstract reasoning.Overnight, an industry was born. Media coverage whipped parents into a frenzy and companies rushed to roll out Mozart box sets, toys with classical music, videos, DVDs and more. Even the government got in on the action: in 1999, Florida required toddlers in state-run preschools to listen to classical music tapes every day.All this would be great if the Mozart Effect was real. Sorry to report folks: it isnt.Numerous follow-up studies by researchers tried to confirm the Mozart Effect... but to no avail.(Steele KM)No matter, the Mozart baby industry rolls on, churning out all manner of IQ-boosting music-enhanced products. The Mozart Effect has achieved mythical status. Our favorite take-off: the Incredibles movie scene where the babysitter plays Mozart for the super-human offspring of the title characters. Be sure to watch the results (its in the Bonus Material)!So, is it a bad thing to play classical music for your toddler? Of course not. Expose your child to music. We prefer Brad Paisley... but feel free to pick whatever genre lights your fire. Reality Check: Some interesting preschool stats (NIEER.org)In 1965, 5% of three year olds and 17% of four year olds attended preschool.In 2002, 40% of three year olds and 66% of four year olds attended preschool.The largest group of children enrolled have parents whose salaries range from $50,000 to $80,000 annually.The second largest group have parents whose salaries are less than $40,000 annually. These children qualify for Headstart programs.The lowest enrollment group? Kids whose parents make $40,000 to $50,000 annually presumably because they cannot afford the cost of preschool or qualify for Head Start. Q. When should my child start taking music lessons? It depends on what type of program you are talking about. If the goal is music appreciation, there are both national and local programs that are terrific for infants and toddlers.In general, most experts recommend starting to teach a child how to read music and learn a musical instrument around seven years of age. Why age seven? As you remember from our discussion of intellectual development in the previous chapter, this is around the age kids develop logical thinking.Shinichi Suzuki, who created the Suzuki method of music education, disagreed with this notion. In his opinion, Suzuki believed that children as young as age three can learn to play a musical instrument the same way that they learned to speakby memorization. Suzuki once said, There is no such thing as talentthe secret is repetition. There are music programs in the U.S. who follow the Suzuki method if you are interested in checking it out. Be aware that it takes discipline on both the part of the child and the parent (yes, parents get homework assignments too with Suzuki).Bottom line: there are few children who truly have a gift AND will sit still to learn a musical instrument as a toddler or preschooler. However, for the vast majority of kids, save your money and start music lessons when your child is school-aged.Whether you choose formal music lessons or not, we do encourage you to promote a love of music. Here are a few easy and inexpensive tips:Buy cheap maracas, tambourine, or a drum.Make your own instruments out of old pots, pans, wooden spoons.Sing songs together.Reality Check: A real-life piano lesson story When my daughter was four years old, a friend invited her to join a group piano lessons class. I always thought my kids would take piano lessons when they were older, but the class sounded terrific, and I thought she would have fun with her friend.My husband was so excited that he went out and bought the electric piano that the music store recommended for the class. You can see where this one is going.The class was great, but my daughter refused to practice and began to complain about going (which brought back memories of my own piano lesson experiences). We dropped out after the first month. We are still proud piano owners, and the lessons have become useful since she started voice lessons at age tennow she can accompany herself.Take home message: Sometimes you are ready for your child to have a great learning experience, but your child is not. Q. When should my child start team sports? Many communities offer T-ball and soccer for children as young as age four. Should you sign up? It depends on whether or not your child is ready. Here are some points to consider: Can he keep up with the other children physically? Is he afraid of being in a pack of children all trying to kick the ball (and kicking each other instead)?Encouraging physical activity is an important part of nurturing a healthy lifestyle. But if your child is spending more time picking the weeds in the outfield than paying attention to the batter, you should probably wait a few more seasons. Pick less organized sporting activities like playing hide and seek, riding bikes, or even walking the dog together. Balancing Work/Family & Childcare Options This may seem like an odd topic in the play chapter, but childcare is an integral part of fostering your childs development. Who you choose to care for your child (and what they do with your child during this time) is obviously important. And many parents worry (and feel guilty) about how those decisions will impact their childs well-being. Q. Any tips on balancing work and family obligations? Balance is really an unachievable goal. Rising above chaos is more realistic.Raising a family is a full time job: accomplishing anything beyond that (running for Congress, solving world poverty, launching a world tour to promote your new album) is sure to create stress and anxiety. If you and your partner both work full-time outside the home, you should try to split up home obligations as evenly as possible.Ha! We hear the guffaws from halfway across the country now! Okay, lets get real. Moms clearly get stuck with a greater number of household duties than dads. Of course, nothing in your marriage is 50-50 and it is unrealistic to think a child would change that.Keep in mind one key word: delegate. Many moms (authors included) have trouble delegating responsibility and instead just resort to being chronically exhausted. Ask for help and accept it when its offeredand dont be overly critical of the results. Okay, so maybe the laundry isnt folded exactly the way you like... or the chicken is a little overcooked. Get over it and move on.And dads, you know life is not an episode of Mad Men. Gone are the glory days of coming home from work to find your slippers, newspaper and martini waiting for you next to the recliner. Whether your spouse has a job outside the home or is a full-time mom, your help is needed to make family life work.Families are increasingly finding creative ways of juggling work and family. Yes, that might mean DAD stays at home while Mom works at an outside job. Our message: keep an open mind and consider all the alternatives. Q. I feel so guilty going to work and leaving someone else to care for my child. Should I? Short answer: no.Long answer: quality time is more important than the sheer number of hours you spend together. Lets look at the research. Kids do better when their parents focus their attention, engaging and responding to them. Positive interactions have measurable effects on childrens social behavior, language, and even intelligence.(Huston AC)Getting down on the floor and playing with your child is crucial, whether you work outside the home or not. And turn off the TV or the Blackberry while you are doing this.There is a hidden bonus to working outside the home for some women: The satisfaction women derive from their careers can be beneficialhappy parents lead to happy children. Bottom line: Want to know the secret sauce of parenting that kicks a childs development up a notch? Responsiveness, warmth, acceptance, and encouraging a childs independence. (NICHD) Why good childcare is hard to find According to 2005 study in Pediatrics, Almost 50% of childcare centers in the US rate poor, failing to meet minimum childcare standards.(AAP) With 50% of children needing some form of childcare outside the home, you would think we could make quality childcare a priority.Here is one of the biggest challenges: pay. The average salary for a childcare provider was $20,000 a year (2009 figures). Who would be attracted to a job that pays less than working at a fast food restaurant and is twice as exhausting? Poor salaries deter better-educated providers from the job, create higher staff-to-student ratios, and lead to high turnover rates. In shortlow quality childcare.So whats the solution? Frankly, we dont have the answer. Some think there should be expanded government subsidies or additional regulation. Others suggest a market-oriented approach with tax credits to help parents pay for better care.As parents, we urge you to get involved in this issue and advocate in your community for the best-quality care for our children. Q. I have chosen to stay at home with my toddler but I feel like I have lost some of my identity without a career. Any suggestions? Like the Chinese curse says, may you live in interesting times. Todays generation of women have been taught that they can do anything a man can do and should strive for the same goals. Reality is, women are still the ones who get pregnant and frequently, make concessions with their careers if they have a family. When women give up that career, some feel they have lost part of their identity along the way. For past generations, most women established their identities raising childrenthat was satisfying enough. While that is still an admirable goal today, some women do not feel complete when their career is solely in the home.Our advice: instead of grieving over your identity theft, enjoy your parent-at-home career and be proud. It is the most demanding, rewarding, and underpaid job you will ever have. And if you feel like you need to do something to maintain your sense of self, pick your favorite cause and volunteer. Get your preschooler to help, too. Your philanthropic efforts will rub off. Q. What are my options for childcare? Your baby stays at home with someone, goes to someone elses home, or goes to a licensed childcare facility. Note: As your child grows, his needs change. Be sure your childcare situation fulfills your childs current needs. What was a perfect situation for your baby may not be so perfect for your toddler or preschooler. We discuss your options below.1 Parent at home. This option gives you complete control over caring and nurturing your child. You will never regret being there to watch your child grow. As we have already stated, it is the quality of the time you spend with your child, and not necessarily the quantity that has the most positive impact.The cost of staying home is the loss of one parents salary. But when you factor in the hidden costs of outside childcare (more doctors visits, dry cleaning bills, gasoline, etc), it may not be such a financial loss to stay at home.As your child gets older, you may choose to occasionally enroll her in an enrichment program or Mothers Day Out, which offers new experiences for her and some freedom for you.Here are some considerations:Is one parent willing to stay at home and be happy with that decision?Can you afford a single-earner household?2 Family caretaker. This option is for those lucky enough to have a relative who cares for your child while you go to work. It gives you the comfort of knowing exactly who your childcare provider is and you usually get them at a discount price! Another bonus: your child will develop a very special relationship with that person.Here is the downside: it is usually easier to discuss your parenting strategies with someone you employ than with a family member who is doing you a favorespecially if that person is the parent who raised you. Also be aware that keeping a busy toddler out of trouble all day is exhausting. Be mindful of that if your family member has some health issues.Here are some considerations:Is a family member willing to take on this job?Are you willing to avoid micro-managing?How will the childs day be structured?Is your family member willing to drive your child to activities?Can your family member get down on the floor with your child and get back up?What is your backup plan if your family member is ill?What is your backup plan when your family member wants a vacation?3 Nanny/Au Pair. This choice is the priciest form of childcare. Nannies/Au Pairs give consistent care and your child develops a close relationship with another adult. Because you are paying this person and she isnt your mother-in-law, you have more freedom to demand that your parenting guidelines be implemented.While you dont need a Nanny-cam, it is always a good idea to do a background check (police record, credit check, reference check) and set up a trial week or two before hiring the person. Use your instincts and your childs. Your toddler/preschooler will definitely tell you who she likes and who she doesnt!There are various ways to find a nanny: word of mouth, newspaper ads, bulletin boards at local colleges, or formal nanny locator services. One bit of advice: be sure you pay taxes on your employed childcare provider. You dont want to ruin your chances for being a Supreme Court justice someday.Remember that your childs needs change as he grows. Some childcare providers are more comfortable with certain age groups. If your child has outgrown your current nanny, you may do better moving on to another one.Here are some considerations:Does the provider have any teaching or early childhood certification?Does the provider have previous experience as a nanny?How will the childs day be structured?Is the provider willing to implement your parenting requests?Is the provider willing to drive your child to activities?Is the provider flexible if you are running late to get home?What is the backup plan when the provider is ill?Will the provider take vacation time when your family does? Reality Check: Parenting the Au Pair Au pairs can be a great experience for both your family and the young woman who is visiting from a foreign country. Be mindful, though, that these are young women. You may be taking on a dual role of parenting your toddler and a teenager.4 In-Home Day Care. This option puts your child in the home of another loving family while you are at work. This can be a wonderful way for your child to interact with kids of varying ages, and, often, the older kids enjoy playing with the little ones.The cost is modest compared to a licensed childcare facility. And depending on the provider, you may be able to go to work, even if your child is ill.Just be sure this is the family you want your child to be a part of. Often, meeting the providers children is just as important as meeting the provider.Here are some considerations:What are the ages of other children in the program?What is the providers backup plan if she is ill?How will the childs day be structured?Does the provider have any formal teaching/early childhood background?When does the provider go on vacation?What is the policy if you are running late to pickup your child?5 Licensed Day Care Facility. This is the most popular option for working parents. Although the cost varies, this can be a moderately priced choice for childcare. There is also a sense of security knowing that centers have licensing requirements, and you can always drop in unexpectedly to check on your child.However, all licensed facilities are not created equally. Federal standards are minimal and do not guarantee a quality program. Do your homework and constantly reevaluate.What you can expect in the toddler room: structured activities, group meal times, and one universal naptimeusually on floormats, not in cribs. Youll need to consider whether your young toddler will tolerate this style and frequency of napping. Helpful Hints: Finding a high-quality daycare program15 Questions to Ask.. Is the program NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children) approved? While this doesnt guarantee anything, these programs strive for higher standards than federal guidelines. You can do a search for programs NAEYCs web site (naeyc.org) based on your zip code. 2. Are parents in the program satisfied? The program director will give you a list of parents to contact who undoubtedly will sing the praises of the program. Try to ask another parent or two who is picking up or dropping off a child at the program. You may get a more honest appraisal. 3. How approachable are the director and teachers? Will these providers be open to hearing your concerns? Look for a program that is receptive to making modifications for individual needs. 4. What is the level of training for the staff and director? While level of education does not guarantee a better provider, it does lead to a lower turnover rate. The director should have a college degree (or beyond) in early childhood education or development. The head teachers are not required to have college degrees, but it is certainly a bonus. They may have a child development associate degree. Aides may have no degree at all. However, all providers should be taking continuing education courses annually. 5. What are the staff-child ratios? Here are the federal guidelines for ratios of children and group sizes (but regulations by states vary): (HHS)Next page