Wendy Northcutt - The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction

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Table of Contents

ALSO BY WENDY NORTHCUTT

The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action
The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection
The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest
The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design
The Darwin Awards Next Evolution:
Chlorinating the Gene Pool

Dedicated to helpful, loving people:

Kevin Buckley quit his job to illustrate this book!

Many a pleasant evening has been spent discussing death with the likes of Eric Biederman, Alicia & Brian Nitpick Watrous, Peter and Suzi Anvin, Kathleen and Brian De Smet, Tara Tolles, Lisa Davis, Krista Anderson, and many other patient, witty people. Ariane La Gauche sprinkled enchanting turns of phrase everywhere. Stephen Darksyde edited science essaysfree! And generous volunteer moderators continue to make the whole system work.

Thank you, Tommy Kay L evin, for much more than feeding me. Thank you, Joe da Rosa of Bodyworks Specialists, for making house calls.

and...
Thank you, Greg Levin, for fetching coffee in the morning.
Thank you for washing laundry and being a quiet kitchen elf.
Thank you for editing essays with me during long car drives.
Thanks for reassembling the drawer that fell apart over that godforsaken oubliette.
Thank you for playing Race for the Galaxy whenever and wherever I want.
Thank you for finding my cell phone.
Thank you for finding my purse too.
Thank you for finding me.

Nine no-nos noes with power tools
Eight ways to incinerate yourself
Seven safety warnings not to ignore
Six sexy survival tips
Five fiery fiascos
Four Double Darwins
Three watery whoops!
Two damaged digits
One delightful book of doom
Now, with zombies!

INTRODUCTION

The Darwin Awards, named in honor of Charles Darwin, salute the improvement of the human genome by commemorating those who accidentally remove themselves from itthereby ensuring that the next generation is descended from one less idiot. Of necessity, this honor is usually bestowed posthumously.

To win a Darwin Award, an adult must eliminate himself from the gene pool in an astonishingly stupid way that is verifiably true. Most stories are verified by news reports or by reliable eyewitnesses such as emergency responders.

Past winners include a thief who thought it was wise to steal copper wire without shutting off the electric current, and a farmer who avoided bee stings by sealing his head in a plastic bag. We have also honored individuals who offered a bear a beer, jumped a draw-bridge gap on a motorbike, or peered into a gas tanker with a lighter.

This book is packed with a pirates booty of new winners and at-risk survivors. We begin with the following surprise nominee...

At-Risk Survivor: Meet the Author! Breaking News

AUGUST 2009, CALIFORNIA | Wendy Darwin Northcutt, writer of humorous obituaries and author of six Darwin Awards books, nearly made her own dark list in a clever attempt to cool her house. During a California heat wave, she opened up a grate in the hallway floor intending to install a fan and, by this device, force basement air up into the house. Before she could finish the air-conditioning job, the phone rang.

Distracted, three hours passed before Wendy wandered back down the hall and fell through the grate. The author nearly became the eponymous Darwin Award winner. Thankfully this time she survived, and a broken leg was the price she paid for the lesson:

Never walk away from a hole in the floor.

Reader Comments

Id recommend walking away from holes. Its turning around and walking back thats dangerous.

If you can walk away from such an experiencebe grateful!... and she works for Mr. Darwin!

Now, lets dive into a sea of stories about those who flounder in the shallow end of the gene pool!

CHAPTER 11

FOOD: OUT TO LUNCH!

I dont believe in evolution, but sometimes you realize that it would be beneficial to the human race!

Fan mail

In the mood for a sweet treat? Humans nourish themselves on high-voltage cake batter, fruitcake firebombs, and chewing gum that will blow your mind. In the mood to be a treat? Read on for encounters with submerged crocodiles, decidedly un-docile deer, lethal ligers, and zombies! These people are literally out to lunch.

Doublemint Dumb Chewing Gum Not Fast Enough Food Teeming with Crocodiles Ninja Deer Hunter The Mane Attraction Not Even Half-Baked The Great Fruitcake Incident Hot Buns Hard Science, with Zombies!

Darwin Award Winner: Doublemint Dumb Chewing Gum

Confirmed by Darwin

Featuring food, explosions, and science!

5 DECEMBER 2009, RUSSIA | A twenty-five-year-old chemistry student of the Kiev Polytechnic Institute had the peculiar habit of dipping his chewing gum in citric acid crystals while he worked, presumably to add a tart, zesty flavor. He was hunched over at a computer in his parents house in the city of Konotop when, whether by intention or inattention, the student dunked his gum into an unidentified chemical explosive and stuck it back into his mouth.

According to news reports, a loud pop was heard coming from his room.

Putting aside the question of why he was doing chemistry at home, the student was well aware of the need to keep chemicals away from food. Every laboratory emphasizes the importance of No Food! because it is easy to drink the wrong liquid or salt your salad with arsenic. He knew better. But there he was, deceased, the lower part of his face blown off.

A forensic examination established that the remains of the chewing gum was covered with a dangerous substance that the local laboratory did not have the necessary equipment to identify. Police found packets of citric acid and packets of a similar-looking explosive material, and think the student simply confused the two.

Reference: lenta.ru, en.rian.ru, RIA Novosti

Reader Comments

The new chewing gum that will blow your mind!
Must have been one heckuva of a bubble.
The ultimate bubble!
The flavor blew him away.
This is a jaw dropper.

He really lost his head.

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