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NEXT EVOLUTION
C HLORINATING THE G ENE P OOL
WENDY NORTHCUTT
DUTTON
The Darwin Awards Next Evolution contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be viewed as a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection: Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are weeded out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive.
DUTTON
Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
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Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
Copyright 2008 by Wendy Northcutt
All rights reserved
Illustrations by Peter McDonnell and Jay Ziebarth
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ISBN: 978-1-4406-3677-6
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Dedicated to those who kept me sane.
Linux guru Greg Lindahl solved server setbacks and occasionally flicked his long hair my way. Kathleen and Brian De Smet invented the beloved Work Party Barbecue for me.
Renaissance dancers Francis Classe, Matthew Larsen, Crystal Larsen, Rebecca Friedman, impeccable Cynthia Barnes, Carey Cates, Ariane Helou, David Eger & ponytail, Kathy Stormberg, Lee Marshall, Elizabeth Friedman, Leia Mehlman, Molly Thornton, Richard Kimberly, Rene Hollomon, Rachael Lorenz, Trevor Baxter, et cetera.
Dutton big cheese Brian Tart, editor Erika Imranyi, and former editor Mitch Hoffman. Cheerful students Jessica Glickman and Desire Tonello, playwright Stephen Witkin, artists Peter McDonnell and Jay Ziebarth, legal advisors Michael Cantwell and Henry Kaufman, and as always, the dedicated Slush Pile moderators.
Kenneth M. Hollomon, Rene Menard, witty David Gibson, twirling Lisa Lippincott, Raz Dan, H. Peter Anvin, Suzi Anvin, Barry Eynon, Kevin Haug, multifaceted Chris Kelly, Ildico Stennis, Troy Welch, John Warthog Hawley, Jon Barnard, and dome builders Bob Bushman and Mike Bushman.
Tuesday Night Dinnerclub ClanLurkr TechShop
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why cant it get us out?
Will Rogers
C ONTENTS
Texas | Michael was addicted to alcohol and to enemas. He liked to take his liquor, well, rectally.
England | Darren was found slumped over in the hallway and bleeding from stab wounds. Victim of an assailant? Not so! A year later, the inquest revealed.
South Carolina | A badly injured twenty-one-year-old couple was found naked in the road before sunrise. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars.
Mexico | Jessica was working out in the gym when she realized she needed something from the floor below. She headed for the open shaft of the industrial lift.
Germany | Attempting to impress his wife, a forty-nine-year-old man climbed over the balcony, clung to the parapet, and began a set of pull-ups.
Singapore | Picture a college dorm room. Laundry, food wrappers, textbooks, and a sixteen-year-old male rocking out to loud music.
Florida | The feet of Jason and Sara were found protruding from a huge, deflated helium advertising balloon.
Russia | As a child Sergei promised his grandmother he would bring her the elixir of immortality. As an adult we find Sergei pursuing immortality by licking cyanide off his palm.
Gabon | A congregation was surprised to hear their pastor insist that one could literally walk on water, if only one had enough faith.
Arkansas | Tenacity is often advantageous to an organism. But combine tenacity with an excess of bravado, a lack of common sense, and a flooded river.
Spain | A visitor to the mycological conference disagreed with the official assessment of Amanita phalloides, commonly known as the death cap mushroom.
A man was splitting seasoned wood early one autumn. He was making light work of the logs when he came to one with a particularly large diameter.
Matt was irritable. If certain named people did not stop bothering him, he said as he loaded his paintball gun, he would shoot them.
Germany | Being frugal can be carried too far! A man flying home from holiday carrying two pints of vodka was stopped by airport security staff.
Virginia | Skeet shooters at the Amelia Wildlife Management Area were taken aback when two large males strode across the open shotgun range toward the firing line.
Australia | When flash floods turned Brisbane streets into raging rivers, a twenty-five-year-old man came frightfully close to literally sucking himself down the drain of the gene pool.