INTELLIGENT DESIGN
Wendy Northcutt
with Christopher M. Kelly
DUTTON
The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be viewed as a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection: Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are weeded out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive.
DUTTON
Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
First electronic edition, October 2006
Copyright 2006 by Wendy Northcutt
All rights reserved
Illustrations by Peter McDonnell
DARWIN AWARDS is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGINGPUBLICATION DATA
Northcutt, Wendy.
The Darwin awards 4 : intelligent design / Wendy Northcutt with Christopher M. Kelly.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-1-101-21892-1
1. StupidityAnecdotes. 2. StupidityHumor. I. Kelly, Christopher M. II. Title. III. Title: Darwin awards four. IV. Title: Intelligent design.
BF431.N675 2006
081dc22
2006023936
Set in Century Old Style and Weiss
Designed by Leonard Telesca
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This ones for you, babe.
If all else fails, Immortality
can always be assured
by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Contents
True intelligent design is the unerring scythe of natural selection.
CHAPTER 1
Vehicles
Motorcycles, trucks, trains, cars, snowmobiles, mopeds, a wheelchair, and one mountain bikewheels spark a powerful urge to test mechanical limits. The stories in this chapter show that humans still have a long way to go, in evolving to cope with the ubiquitous dangers of our transportation system.
CHAPTER 2
Water
Water covers 70 percent of the Earths surface, so its little wonder that this is the medium in which many Darwin demises occur. We herein encounter the dangers of snowmoboating, the tide, frozen rivers, raging rivers, two waterfalls, one bungee cord, and even the kitchen sink! Dive into stories featuring water, where one soon sees that our evolutionary adaptations are not yet complete.
CHAPTER 3
Women
Few women win Darwin Awards, but this book is lucky enough to have a strong selection of female applicants. We have a spy, two explosions, pilot sex and street sex, a desperate smoker, a gymnast, an amateur mechanic, and a thief. We also have a Jet Ski, a hurricane, a raging river, a roller coaster, gasoline, and an aerosol can. It is with great pleasure that I introduce these stories about feminine wiles.
CHAPTER 4
Animals
An animal might win a Darwin Award if it migrated in the wrong direction. But in this chapter, animals are not the winners; they are the backdrop against which humans lose to Mother Nature. Enjoy these stories about eleptants, snakes, raccoons, chickens, bees, bugs, birds, eels, sharks, toads, horses, and bisonanimals that have the misfortune to share the planet with clueless Homo sapiens.
CHAPTER 5
Alcohol
Alcohol plays a role in many Darwin Awards, but this is the first chapter devoted exclusively to the boneheaded things we do while inebriated. Get ready for a spy device, freeway calisthenics, saliva, bar bets, sunglasses, revenge, a beer-filled condom, window glass, a drinking glass, auto repair, firecrackers, and a submarine. Here are stories of inebriated innovations that make mice and monkeys cringe when we say were related to them.