Stuart Mclean - Extreme Vinyl Cafe

EXTREME VINYL CAFE

ALSO BY

STUART McLEAN

FICTION

Stories from the Vinyl Cafe

Home from the Vinyl Cafe

Vinyl Cafe Unplugged

Vinyl Cafe Diaries

Dave Cooks the Turkey

Secrets from the Vinyl Cafe

NON-FICTION

The Morningside World of Stuart McLean

Welcome Home: Travels in Smalltown Canada

EDITED BY STUART McLEAN

When We Were Young:

An Anthology of Canadian Stories

STUART McLEAN

EXTREME VINYL CAFE

VIKING CANADA

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700,
Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Canada Inc.)

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
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(a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)
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(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)
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Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published 2009

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (RRD)

Copyright Stuart McLean, 2009

The Vinyl Cafe is a registered trademark.

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of
this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner
and the above publisher of this book.

Publishers note: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents
either are the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance
to actual persons living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION

McLean, Stuart, 1948
Extreme vinyl cafe / Stuart McLean.

ISBN 978-0-670-06447-2

I. Title.

PS8575.L448E94 2009 C813.54 C2009-903831-5

Visit The Vinyl Cafe website at www.vinylcafe.com

Visit the Penguin Group (Canada) website at www.penguin.ca

Special and corporate bulk purchase rates available; please see
www.penguin.ca/corporatesales or call 1-800-810-3104, ext. 477 or 474

To Jess Milton,

friend and producer,

verba desunt

My favourite pastime? To laugh!

Tenzin Gyatso

14th Dalai Lama of Tibet

N ow before we begin, I thought I should say a word or two about the title. I imagine that many of you picked this book up because you were taken by the striking cover design and intrigued by the title. You were probably thinking to yourself, Hmm, Extreme Vinyl Cafe. That sounds interesting. I wonder what Extreme Vinyl Cafe means.

I want to be upfront about this. I have no idea whatsoever.

Many months before this book was due to hit the shelves, I was called into my publishers office and told that they had a great new concept for me. In the conversation that followed, I have to admit, I was a little overwhelmedby the marketing terms, by the sales strategy and by the very comfy chairs. To be honest, I think I drifted off for a while. But before I lost consciousness, I vaguely remember mention of extreme sports, and supercharged energy drinks, and, possibly, high-definition television. And then the next thing I remember, I was being ushered out the door, with handshakes and backslapping and general words of congratulation. I realized that I must have agreed to something, and that something appears to be the title of this book.

Several weeks later, still confused, I asked the marketing manager to explain the concept to me again. Oh you know, Stuart, he said. Extreme. Like were taking fiction to a whole new level.

A whole new level. That begged an obvious question. What level were my stories at before? And where was I supposed to be taking them now? The only thing I could figure out was that maybe I was meant to provide something extra for my readers with this collection. Something new, and beneficial, and helpful. But what?

So I rounded up the people who work with me on The Vinyl Cafe radio show and asked them. With my stories, I said, what could I improve, what could I add? What else could I do for my readers?

For starters, said my long-suffering story editor, Meg Masters, you could learn how to spell.

But that would only help you, I pointed out.

You could charge them less, said production assistant Louise Curtis. Books are quite expensive, you know.

But thats up to the publisher, I said.

How about this? said my producer, Jess Milton. She reached into a file cabinet, pulled out a folder and slapped it down in front of me. Why not answer some of your mail?

Now it may surprise some of you to know that since I started The Vinyl Cafe radio show and have been telling my stories in concert, people have begun to see me as somewhat of an authority. An authority on what exactly has yet to become clear, but lets just say theyve been coming to me with questions, looking for my wisdom and guidance. And even when I dont immediately know what to say, or how to help them, their questions do linger in my mind and sometimes creep into my writing. In some cases, I feel that a story I have already written might be of some assistance to them. At other times, it is as if the question has tickled my imagination, and, quite unconsciously, I begin to answer it as I tell my tales.

Here, then, are fifteen stories that could serve as answers to fifteen intriguing questions that you might share with the people who originally presented them. I hope that in reading the questions, and then the corresponding stories, you find this book to be a miracle cure, and a bargain at twice the price, or at the very least, you find yourself at a whole new level. Whatever that means.

EXTREME VINYL CAFE

Dear Stuart,

I seem to have developed a nasty rash. (I am enclosing four photos for your perusal.) I took these shots at the photo booth at the train station, so you have to look carefully. But look at the second one, which is just of my legs (I had to stand on the stool to take it). I know those marks look like freckles, but that is because these pictures are in black and white and the exposure is weird. But if you could see them in colour, you would know they dont look like freckles at all unless freckles are red and sort of weepy. Ignore the last shotthat is the security guards arm and not mine and that is why there are no rashes on it.

Do you think I should see a doctor?

Your friend,
Miles

Dear Miles,

Yes.

T he first Dave heard of it was back in the fall.

He heard from his friend Dennis, who was in town working on a Patsy Cline project. Some guy was recording an album of Patsy Cline coversnote-for-note instrumentals, no vocals. The fellow had hired Dennis to play bass. They were working nights to save money, which meant Dennis had the afternoons to kill. He started dropping in to the Vinyl Cafe.