Stuart McLean - Lazy Sods Guide to Sex

Lazy Sods Guide to SEX Stuart McLean Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited Office 2 3 Edgar Buildings George Street Bath BA1 2FJ www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2007 Copyright Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited, 2007 All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN 978-1-905102-96-9 Written by Stuart McLean Typesetting and cover design by Ben Ottridge Printed by William Clowes, Beccles, Suffolk Contents INTRODUCTION From flea to whale theres one common driving force the craving for sex. Indeed hamsters are so randy they often have sex seventy-five times a day. We may criticise pigs for their poor hygiene but when it comes to fucking they sure take home the bacon having orgasms that last a cock-boggling thirty minutes! Even lowly banana slugs have shagging sessions lasting thirty hours mind you, instead of having a post-coital cigarette, they chew off their mates sex organs! However, for most men the urge to find a mate and have sex is delicately counterbalanced by the overwhelming desire to sit on the couch watching telly while eating burgers and downing copious amounts of lager. So, if this describes you, this book is the perfect read.

It will tell you everything you need to know about sex from easy ways to meet chicks to how to have unforgettable sex with sheep and will show you how to do it all with the very minimum of effort. So, crack open another six pack, lie back comfortably and be prepared to be sexucated. Warning There is no conclusive evidence to show that sexually transmitted diseases can be caught by reading about sex. However, we must caution you that the feel-good factor from laughing as you read this book will cause you to jump into bed with the very first slut you meet. Therefore, we advise you to take precautions give a false name. The Birds and Bees The Reality When you were a kid your parents, or some over-friendly uncle, will have told you all about sex.

You know: boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, enjoy blissful sex, have four babies and live happily ever after. But its never quite that simple. In real life boy meets girl, boy is told to fuck-off, boy goes home and masturbates. Oh, eventually he strikes lucky but the sex will be awful, the children detestable, the marriage unbearable and the divorce a great relief. But thats life. So lets just get on with it and try to keep it as painless as possible.

BEGINNING Sex Facts Every day, 200 million couples around the world have sex. The average session lasts thirty minutes so, at any moment, there are four million couples shagging. With all that friction its no wonder global warming is destroying our planet. The average man has sex 6,000 times in his lifetime. Thats 3,000 hours of sex! What a waste of time masturbate instead and use the time saved to play 1,000 rounds of golf or watch 2,000 football matches. Researchers claim that 80% of men suffer from premature ejaculation.

NO! Men do not suffer from premature ejaculation 80% are just lazy, inconsiderate bastards. Married couples in their 20s have sex an average of .5 times per week. Occasionally its with each other. A vigorous sex session burns off the calories of one pint of beer. So you can maintain your weight simply by shagging eight times a day. Easy.

The female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of all the endorphins released), so dont let her get away with that headache excuse ever again. Men claim to have sex three times women just twice per week. So where are all the women during that third shag? The average time between a guy buying a condom and actually getting the chance to use it is 1.7 years. Sexual Definitions Sex A contact sport, usually between a man and a woman, in which the man fantasises about two lesbian lap-dancers while the woman tries to remain awake. Foreplay The tender preparations a couple makes to get each other ready for sex a case of wine works best. Contraception A birth control device thats always the other persons responsibility.

Lust Sexual desire brought on by seeing any girl in a mini skirt. The urge quickly vanishes when she tells you to Fuck Off! for the eighth time. Marriage A permanent cure for lust. Flirting Playful behaviour, used to arouse sexual interest. Affair A man often lets his wife believe hes having an affair to hide the embarrassing fact that he spends all his free time fishing. Orgasm The intense sexual excitement a woman achieves upon buying a pair of shoes.

Masturbation Sex with the person you love the most. Pornography To women this is any act involving a mans body. To men this is any sex act involving more than six chickens. Prostitute A woman who is too ugly to attract men in the pub and so must resort to accepting money for sex. MEETING Where To Find Chicks So, youre a guy and you want to meet chicks. Well, actually you want to do a bit more than that but first things first.

The mistake most blokes make is going to clubs and pubs in search of nookie. Bad move! Theres far too much competition and the other guys are better looking, better hung and drive better cars than you. So lets face it: theres more chance of your granny winning the Sex Olympics than there is of you scoring at the pub. Heres a list of places where its easier for Lazy Sods to find willing chicks: Cyberspace Chat Rooms are brilliant places to find totty! You can create a profile that makes you sound rich, dynamic and exciting. You can load photos of a sexy male model and tell everyone that its you. And the greatest part of this deception is that everyone does it, so when you meet for real, she wont complain, for she will be dull, fat and ugly just like you.

Funeral Parlours Her husband has just passed away so shes all alone in the world and feeling vulnerable. Time to move in! Put your arm around her in a comforting sort of way and say softly, Im sorry to hear about your loss. It must be hard getting no sex you must be gagging for it. Come to my place after the funeral and Ill show you what youre missing. This subtle approach always works and often leads to marriage. A word of caution if the husband died under suspicious circumstances, dont eat anything she cooks.

Brothels Even the scruffiest Lazy Sod can usually get a leg over in a brothel. Simply turn up, pay the money and select from the range of old hags on offer. As these mouldy-oldies will remind you of your granny, you will want to shoot your load quickly then get the hell out of the place. All thats left to be done is to arrange a trip to the VD Clinic for another dose of Penicillin. Opticians Loiter outside any opticians and youll see a constant stream of shaggable totty. They have one thing in common theyre all half-blind and unable to see what a scruffy, vile specimen of a sleazebag you are.

So, putting it bluntly, youre in with a chance. But these sensitive souls must be treated gently. Our research shows that many chat-up lines simply offend these ladies. Avoid the following: Hey, Four-Eyes, can you see your way to giving me a blow-job? Would you like to rub my cock with your white cane? Neat bi-focals does that mean youre bisexual? Fancy a threesome with me and your guide dog? Convents At the age of six, little Catholic girls are dragged screaming from their homes and locked up in nunneries to serve the Lord. With no male contact these poor souls are gagging for it by the time theyre eighteen and would jump any guy setting foot on the premises. To take advantage of this situation, turn up pretending that youve come to oil the rosaries.