Stuart McLean - Lazy Sods Guide to Pulling
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- Book:Lazy Sods Guide to Pulling
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- Publisher:Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited
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- Year:2015
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Perfect for Mr Average Lazy Sod, this useful little guide covers all the pitfalls of the pulling game, with sections ranging from Why Pull? to What Are Girls Looking For? all rounded off with a Pulling Quiz and an Agony Aunt Q&A session.
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This book is dedicated to the 11,742 wonderful lovers I would have had if only this book had been available when I was a lad.
The world has known some incredible lovers: Casanova, Romeo, the Marquis De Sade and Joe Meekly of 22 Waverley Place, Crompton. These great heroes of the mattress had several things in common: they were wild romantics, prepared to overcome any obstacle in pursuit of love, willing to fight and die in loves dark shadow. But most men dont want the inconvenience of love and romance they certainly dont want to let it get in the way of pulling a chick. What Mr Average Lazy Sod wants is a sure-fire chat-up line that will get him some shag-muffin for a few weeks amusement before he moves on to the next chick. There must be no soppy romance, no awkward commitment and most definitely no effort. Sadly, there is no simple formula to achieve this. However, this little book will show you how to pull with minimum effort and inconvenience. It will teach you what to say and what not to say, tell you what to do and what not to do, show you where youll find hot tottie and where youll only find Brussels sprouts... Short of me going out and pulling for you, its the best youre going to get!
Stuart McLean, 2009
Love
An emotional state invented by women to ensnare men into a long-term commitment. Men often mistake this state for lust.
Lust
A physical state created by man that often leads him into a relationship lasting more than one night. Women often mistake this state for love.
Commitment
The obligation a man feels towards a woman until the DNA test on Trisha proves negative.
Orgasm
The drinks wearing off and the world is coming back into focus. Suddenly you realize that youre having sex with the ugliest octogenarian in the world. Yuuuuchh! Time to ejaculate quickly and get the hell out of there.
One-night stand
A short trial marriage that cuts out the messy loathing phase that comes before the divorce.
Two-night stand
A sexual encounter prolonged by the use of Viagra.
Shag-muffin
A short-term, no-strings-attached lover.
Brussels sprouts
Small edible cabbage-like buds.
Sex
The physical coming together of two people willing to share warmth, tenderness, affection, desire and gonorrhoea.
Guilt
A feeling of remorse. Not relevant to men as the part of their brain that deals with guilt has not yet developed.
Target
The lucky lady whos going to be the subject of your shoddy pulling techniques.
The pull
The act of pulling. Seducing a bit of tottie.
Marriage
The punishment inflicted on a guy for getting blotto and blurting out, Will you marry me? when what he meant to say was, Im leaving you for your best friend.
Tottie
Any female who is not intolerably gross.
What, I asked myself, is the motivation for a guy to give up an evening to go on the pull? After all, this is valuable time he could use to sort his stamp collection into chronological order or dye his belly-button fluff green. If it were purely sexual desire, would he not save time and money and have more fun just masturbating over his Razzle collection? I had to find the answer! So I carried out an in-depth survey of men across the length and breadth of the country. This revealed some wildly diverse reasons for going on the pull...
There was bugger-all on the telly
I was totally pissed
My mates dared me
My mum wants me to have a girlfriend
Im a sad, lonely loser looking for company
Im looking for adventure but too lazy to climb Everest
I dont have a stamp collection to sort
I am from Planet Zorcon we must interbreed to take over your world
There are 2,802,224,175 potential totties in the world ready for pulling. But, for the average lazy sod, not all of these are available. Certain factors limit the number of potentials that might be interested in you:
Age
No self-respecting woman under the age of 46 is going to be seen dead with you.
Beauty
A resemblance to the Beast is the defining factor in who would date you.
Social class
Only the lowest of the low will show any interest in you.
Location
Most lazy sods do their pulling within a 200-yards stagger of their local pub.
Family
Unless you live in Norfolk, youll not want to get intimate with anyone closer than a cousin.
Taking all of these facts into consideration, there is a total of twenty-three chicks that might show some slight interest in you. They will all be hideously ugly, decrepit pensioners with a drink and drugs problem who have been banged up in asylums for the last twenty years. Whats more, these women will be as difficult to find as a clean needle in a Birmingham Youth Centre. So does that mean theres no point in going out on the pull? Of course not! If Angelina Jolie, Kelly Brook or Keira Knightley turned up at your pub you should definitely have a go. But whether its an actress or a chavette youre coming on to, just be prepared to do a lot of pleading before someone takes pity on you and slurs the words Okay Im bored stiff anyway.
Most men make the mistake of thinking that the pulling game is one-sided, but women are hunters too. A woman wants her Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet and whisk her away to his fairy-tale castle where theyll live happily ever after. This is sad, really, as Mr Average Lazy Sod is looking for a no-commitment shag in his semi-derelict flat...
Here are the top five requirements for Prince Charming:
He must be respectful, sensitive, kind, compassionate, romantic, generous, devoted... and well hung.
His monthly net income must exceed her monthly gross expenditure.
He must make her laugh (with him, not at him).
He must wear blue tights, a red cape and be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than an Inter City express, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
He should be well versed in the arts of washing, ironing, vacuuming, cooking and gardening.
Cupids fine arrow can strike anywhere (I dont mean your bum I mean in a pub or club). You could be walking down the street and see the most beautiful girl in the world and there, beside her, is someone (probably hideous) who might actually fall for your pulling techniques. Yes, there is a great randomness about the whole thing, but it helps if you know the most likely places for finding tottie...
Great for meeting hot chicks, but choose the right pub to give yourself the best chance of pulling: one thats full of cheap sluts rather than more discerning rich bitches.
Pros : A few drinks will loosen your inhibitions and make it easier to chat up the talent.
Cons : Another few drinks and youll lose all your inhibitions, your shirt, underwear, and dignity.
Do : Ask the target if shed like a drink, rather than demanding that she buy one for you.
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