Preeti Shenoy - The Nameless Relationship

Westland Publications Private Limited

61, II Floor, Silverline Building, Alapakkam Main Road, Maduravoyal, Chennai 600 095

93, I Floor, Sham Lal Road, Daryaganj, New Delhi 110 002

This ebook edition first published by Westland Publications Private Limited 2018

Copyright Preeti Shenoy 2018

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organisations, places, events and incidents are either products of the authors imagination or used fictitiously.

Cover design for this ebook edition copyright Westland Publications Private Limited 2018

All rights reserved

Preeti Shenoy

Some of the best relationships that exist in this world are nameless ones. They crouch behind those sanctioned by society: the legitimate ones, the ones that you can define because they are approved, allowed, understood and normal . There are names for those relationships. Fiancfiance, husbandwife, boyfriendgirlfriend, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, cousin, maternal aunt, paternal grandfather, anything that you can think of, the entire gamutneatly labelled, sorted, slotted and defined.

I wonder sometimes if Dhiraj and I give a name to whatever it is that we have between us, legitimise this somehowthough I know that it is impossiblewhether it will take a different turn. I am certain it will. But I am happy with the way things are. Any more and it will crumble, fall apart. He refuses to see it that way though, and it is he who wants to change it.

What are you thinking about? he asks as he rolls over and props himself up on his left arm, tracing a line on my face with his right, moving from my forehead to my nose and then my lips.

With my lips pursed I nip his finger and he lets it remain in my mouth. I bite a little hard.

Ouch, he says. That hurt.

I release his finger from between my teeth and take his hand in mine.

God, you are breathtakingly beautiful, he says as he attempts to cup my naked breasts, but I pull the duvet up to my chest and I turn to face him.

He is so young; his eyes shine eagerly and the way he scours for answers, looking into my eyes, searching, yearning, longinga strange mixture of apprehension and hope, excitement and unsureness, lust and love all mingled together, makes me stop breathing for a second. Most of all, it is his youth that breaks my heart.

Look, this really cannot go on. I have been telling you that, I say.

His expression changes instantly. He presses his lips together and narrows his eyes.

Ive told you earlier and I am telling you again. I know this is the real thing for me. I am in love with you, Lithika.

I pause and draw in a breath. There is no place in my vocabulary for things like love. That is for young people like you. Come on, Dhiraj, I am pushing fifty-threeyou are just a few years older than my son. And we have been through this so many times. I cannot leave my husband.

Do you love him?

That is a meaningless question. You dont walk out on someone you have spent thirty years with.

Look, Lithika, be honest at least with yourself. You cannot stand the guy. Why do you continue in it then? It is not as though your children will not understand. They are adults themselves. Its not like the divorce is going to be messy or even contested.

What divorce, Dhiraj? When have I ever mentioned that word? Over and over I have made it clear to you that this thing between us can never go anywhere.

It has gone beyond anywhere, Lithika. It has been, what, seven years now? It has only grown. At that time you wanted me to wait, saying that I would fall for a woman my age. At twenty-nine, I thought that perhaps there was some truth in what you said. But now I knowI just cannot imagine anyone taking your place in my life. Just do it. Leave your husband. Look, if its your children you are afraid of facing, I will talk to both of them. Rashi really will be happy for you, and so will Maanav. They remember the kind of toxicity they suffered growing up. They will only be happy if you break away from him.

Dhiraj, all marriages are like that. I might have led you to believe that things are more terrible than they really are. But you must remember that it is only when I had a fight with him and was feeling desperate that I turned to you, confided in you. I have never mentioned the happy times we have had together.

Come off it. Dont make excuses for that wimp of a guy. I have no respect for him.

Shut up, Dhiraj. I know how you feel about him, but I will not have you talking about Neel this way.

I get out of bed and start putting on my clothes. He gazes at me transfixed.

I will never get tired of looking at you, he says as I fasten the straps of my bra, pull up my salwar and slip my kurti over my head.

This is what I miss in my relationship with my husband. At sixty, he seems to have reached a place of complacency. He keeps himself busy with his golf and his evening visits to Bangalore Club where he plays rummy with his set of friendsall people like him, wealthy businessmen from old Bangalore families, which is a closed circle by itself; one you have to be privileged enough to have been born into or married into; pedigreed, perfect, proper gentlemen who love their whiskey, their cards, their immaculate homes and sometimes their spouses too. I find their discussions revolving around politics and golf and gossip about different people in their circles barely tolerable. When I am with them I nod, trying hard to focus, stifling yawns and secretly checking my watch or my phone. The other wives seem to enjoy it, though. I idly wonder if any of them are like mehaving this thing with someone seventeen years younger than them. I doubt it. They all look their age and, from the way they behave, Im sure none of them would be inclined to seek pleasure outside their marriage. But then again I guess they probably think the same thing about me. I am good at hiding what I feel, and pretending to be the perfect wifeI have done it for so many years, you see. And nobody has any clue, which suits me fine.

When I am with Dhiraj, it is so different. We talk about yoga, fitness, movies, the latest trends in the tech world, some Hollywood celebrity gossip, my plans for my business, his work and many other things. The conversation never stops. Dhiraj makes me feel youngmakes me forget my age, makes me feel alive. Every bone in my body sings in ecstasy after a session with Dhiraj. That is how I have termed it inside my head. He calls it amazing sexthe best he has had. Whenever he says that I tell him he needs to get more experience. Secretly, though, I am thrilled. He is the elixir of youth and I drink him in hungrily, revelling in the attention he showers on me.

He is still young enough to believe that happy endings are possible. But at my age, I know that is just optimistic, foolish thinking. The very thought of telling my adult children about him fills me with dread. Its all good that they live on their own and have great jobs, but at the end of the day, they are still my babiessomething that Dhiraj can never understand. Heck, I am closer to his mothers age than his! His mother is sixty, something that I once mentioned to him.

You are nothing like my mom! he had exclaimed, and that much I had to concede was true. His mother is a traditional, saree-clad, bindi and mangalsutra-wearing, devout wife whose world revolves around temples, bhajans and the murukku-making business that she runs with three other women. It is not that I have anything against her; it is just that I am so different from her. I am what she would call modern; my hair is in a pixie cut and I have not bothered to colour the streaks of silver. Yoga and running have kept me fit. I also have my own interior design business which I set up way back, when Dhiraj was probably still in school. I have some elite clients who like that my designs refrain from tawdry ostentation. I am also very practical when it comes to space management, and over the years I have developed my signature style which has been described as contemporary but rooted. I now have offices in Bangalore, Mumbai and Chennai, and a great team of people all hand-picked by me. My work has won a couple of awards in the industry and I am respected and well established now. A few years back, I travelled a lot for my projects and it was during one of my trips that I met Dhiraj.