Ryan OConnell - Im Special: And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves to Get through Our Twenties

SARAH WALKER

Ryan has written for the New York Times , Vice , Medium, Thought Catalog, as well as MTVs Awkward . He currently lives in Los Angeles with his boyfriend, Simon, and their dog, Marty. (JK, Ryan doesnt have a boyfriend or a dog.) Im Special is his first book.

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SimonandSchuster.com

authors.simonandschuster.com/Ryan-OConnell

First of all, this book would not be possible if it werent for my lit agent, Lydia Willis. Her unwavering support, guidance, and endless rotation of chic Comme Des Garcon ensembles are what got this book finished. Also, thank you to Nora Spiegel for discovering my writing and telling Lydia, Hey, we should meet with this dude!

To my editor, Michael Szczerban, I still have no idea why you, a smart thoughtful straight man, decided to buy a book from a gay bimbo like me but Im sure glad you did! Through editing this book, you taught me how to be a writer. Thank you.

Sydney Tanigawa and everyone else at S&S: Thank you for taking this insane (and delayed) book to the finish line and giving it a beautiful final shape.

To my wonderful agents at CAA, Chelsea Reed and Mackenzie Condon. You ladies are the best cheerleaders a wildly neurotic boy could ever ask for. Thanks for believing in my writing/ability to make you $$$!!!!

Chris Lavergne: You are my #1 freak on a leash. If you didnt give my feelings a home for so many years at Thought Catalog , I wouldnt be here writing this acknowledgment to you!

Stephanie Georgopulos and Brandon Gorrell: I love you guyzzz so much. We were like an insane throuple in New York. Also, Steph, babe? Thank you for reading all the terrible drafts of my book and giving me notes on how to make it less terrible.

Mike Chessler and Chris Alberghini: Thank you for plucking me from the blogging world and giving me my first job writing for television. Youre a ray of beaming light in an otherwise DARK AS FUCK industry.

Mom and Dad: I love you two more than anyone else in the world. Mom, you are the best mom ever. You are so selfless and lovinga truly remarkable woman. Dad, youve informed so much of how I see the world. I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU.

Allison and Sean OConnell: Thank you for being related to me and letting me talk about you in the book. (JK, you didnt have a choice in either!) But seriously, you two have been stellar siblings. Much love to ya.

My stepmom, Pamela Eells: You have been so gracious and kind and inspiring. Thanks for being one of my best friends and encouraging me in all aspects of my life.

Thank you to the following friends for influencing my life/work: Caitie Rolls (Ten years of friendship. You will always be the peanut butter to my jelly.), my #1 hon Lara Schoenhals, Clare Tivnan, Cailan Calandro, Molly McAleer, Bailey DeBruynkops, Braden Graeber, Rene Barton, Carey Waggoner, Deanie Eichenstein, Kyle Buchanan, Tanner Cohen, Rachel Zeiger-Haag, Alta Finn, Audrey Adams, Alex Simone, Natalie Roy, Danna Friedberg, Caitlin Truman, Colette Kennedy, Beth Montana, Alex Sharry. My Awkward family: Jenna Lamia, Sarah Walker, Leila Cohan-Miccio, Allison Gibson Montgomery, and Anna Christopher. Kyle Buchanan, for making being gay less gay. Michelle Collins, Sam Lansky, Carey ODonnell, Jeff Petriello, Adam Goldman, Danielle Reuther, my lil brother Jason OConnell, my grandma Darline Record, V Bar in the East Village, where most of this book was written, and also Alfred Coffee in Los Angeles. Special shout out to Easton Gym and Xanax for helping me maintain my sanity while writing this thing.

Growing Up Gimp

IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND why you are the way you are, you must go back to the beginning and take a long, hard look at your family.

This is my family. This is where I come from.

My older sister, Allison (who, in her early twenties, renamed herself Allisun, because you can do those kinds of things now and no one will even bat an eyelash), is a free-spirited vegan who is part of a small community of Hula-Hoopers in Brooklyn. (They call themselves Hoopers, and they perform dances at Burning Manlike festivals. Some of them actually Hula-Hoop for a living .) Theres nothing cooler than being a Hooper, my sister told me one night while Hula-Hooping for me in her bedroom. She was using a hoop that had LED lights and retails for $360. Were taking over!

Although our five-year age gap prevented us from spending too much time together growing up, I do recall her being a part of some milestones in my lifethe most important of which being the very first time my father learned that I might be gay. I was fourteen years old and still very much in the closet, but after my sister spent a semester at a liberal arts college, she came home one morning for Christmas break, took one look at me, and said, You know youre gay, right?

No, Im not! I screamed at her, cleaning the dust off my Billie Holiday record and carefully putting it back in its case.

Its okay, Ryan! Just be yourself!

Um, hello? I am myself. I dont think its humanly possible to be anyone but me.

My father then walked into the room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and asked us what the hell was going on.

Nothing, Dad.

Im telling Ryan that its okay to be gay.

Ryans gay? His face turned ghost white. Visions of his youngest son vogueing to Madonna and having anal sex danced in his head.

No, Im not. I promise!

Would it mean anything if he was? my sister huffed. I mean, Im bisexual.

Youre what?

Yep. She smiled defiantly. I have a girlfriend named Sky.

Wait a second; I thought you had a boyfriend named John.

I do. Its called being in a polyamorous relationship, Dad. Havent you heard of it?

Oh Jesus. What is this bullshit? Im going back to bed.

My father is a giant liberal teddy bear, but its obvious that he comes from a very different generation than ours. When he decided to have kids, I dont think he even considered the possibility of having a bisexual polyamorous daughter and a gay son with a disability. We are modern as fuck.

My older brother, Sean, is also a textbook Millennial, but instead of changing his name and dating five people at the same time, he decided to take advantage of the invention of the Internet by making a porn website. When he was nineteen years old, Sean was broke and lived in a dilapidated apartment in Skid Row, a less than desirable part of LA, with limited career options. Then, in a moment of sheer desperation, he started a website that catered to his strengths, which happen to be finding the most disgusting pornos on the Web and editing them into disturbingly funny viral videos. His website is like Funny or Die but with homeless people fornicating in motel rooms set to a Bjrk song. Its absolutely disgusting, but in four years, hes managed to become a twentysomething millionaire. Welcome to America, babe!

And then, of course, theres methe baby of the family and the most Millennial of them all. In the last few years, Ive managed to make a career out of writing about being a hot mess, which is great but also not so great because I really would like to be stable at some point. Here I am, a person in my late twenties, and sometimes it feels like Im so far from having my shit together. And I mean that literally. I do not even have my own feces together.