Jim Florentine - Everybody Is Awful (Except You!)

Yuck, what an asshole was my first thought as I eyed up the guy across the room with long blond hair, ass gripping jeans and snakeskin boots. I was standing with NJ comedy booker Pat Gaynor in 1990, about one month into my comedy career. We were in a Spotswood bar called The Varsity Pub, the place I did my first stand up set. Pat was giving me the rundown on the local open mic scene and suggesting where I might be able to get onstage. Im going to introduce you to Jammin Jim. Hes a local comic from Old Bridge and will be able to help you get some stage time. We walked towards the creep in the snakeskin boots, who looked like a Stonehenge rock in a Bette Midler wig.

Jesus, he has throat cancer was my second thought as Jim croaked out a Hey man, whats going on? in his trademark gravelly voice. I immediately realized my initial summation of this guy had been completely wrong. He didnt know me from a hole in the wall (and God knows Im familiar with those), but he talked to me about comedy and the local scene and started making suggestions as to where I could perform. He gave me his number and told me to get in touch about going on at the Playpen Lounge, a local strip club off Route 9 in New Jersey. Shockingly, a strip club off of Route 9 proved to be an awful place for comedy. I bombed there more often than not, but Jim always had something good to say, hed always tell people about me and keep me in the loop about local open mics. I had nothing to offer in return, but Jim took care of me anyway. I was extremely unsure and vulnerable in those early days and he took me under his wing (and by wing I mean his giant scrotum) and introduced me to everyone. Most of the bookers hated me, I was doing jokes about fucking my grandmother in church and one of them even thought I was a Nazi.

I had expected him to be an aloof douche and he turned out to be one of the closest and longest lasting friends Ive ever had in my life. I could write chapters on all of the great times weve had. In twenty-seven years, weve done countless gigs together, been to concerts together, acted together, pulled trains together, written pilots together, traveled together, lived together as well as seen each other through breakups, deaths and a never-ending list of career flops. So to narrow it down, I figured Id list a few of the firsts Ive experienced because of or with Jim Florentine.

The first time I got paid for doing comedy was because of Jim. In April of 1991, a local booker (the one who thought I was a Nazi) had a Holiday Inn gig that paid $25. Jim assured him I would do well and keep it fairly clean. Jim lied. I was a pig onstage and I bombed my fucking face off.

The first time I met a girl after a gig was because of Jim. It was some shithole in Connecticut and I was working with Jim and Bob Levy. After the show, a girl who looked mildly retarded was rubbing my leg under the table. I had never been more turned on in my life. It was the first time I might get laid because of comedy. I couldnt do anything with her due to the fact her brothers, who looked like linebackers on a prison football team, were cockblocking. Jim and Bob tried occupying her brothers by slowly rotating a shiny object in front of them as I attempted to sneak her into the parking lot. We didnt even need to have sex; Id have been happy if she just gave me a kiss and threw rocks at my dick. Her brothers stood in the doorway and watched us, which of course ruined everything. On the way home, Jim was driving and Bob Levy was in the passenger seat. I masturbated in the backseat.

The first time I wrote a pilot was with Jim. We had both auditioned for a VH1 pilot called Couch Potatoes and miraculously, we both got it. They liked the idiotic chemistry we had together. The producers had us write all of our dialogue and our story line for the episode. I forget what we wrote, but I remember it was something about how we found the neighbors panties in the dryer and the gay couple upstairs was missing a gerbil. Very highbrow shit.

The first time I was ever in a movie was because of Jim. It was 1996 and the film was called White Chicks Incorporated. (Worst Film Ever Made must have been taken). Jim and Artie Fletcher played two losers who went to a witch doctor (played by white comedian Jeff Pirami). I played a successful, celebrity comedian. I was awful. And so was everyone else. But fuck it, it was a movie and it was my first and it wouldnt have happened if it werent for Jim.

The first roommate I ever had was Jim. I lived at home until I was thirty. I was doing stand-up every night, but was spending all my money on prostitutes. I finally moved out of my parents house and in with Jim and his girlfriend. We lived in Cliffside Park, New Jersey, and I was so happy to be on my own, I didnt realize the place was a cesspool. Three of us split $900 a month rent, and I just assumed that all cool bachelor pads were infested with silverfish, had rain water leaking into the living room and black mold openly growing on the walls. It was like living inside the asshole of a wild animal.

The first time I ever had a threesome with a buddy was with Jim. There was a woman I knew who was a really good egg and would have me over after her kids went to bed and blow on the sofa. She had a thing for long hair and one night I just brought Florentine over, figuring shed be delighted to fellate him. She actually wound up blowing me while Jim had sex with her from behind, because my penis was wilting in shame and I knew if I tried have sex it would be a dismal failure. Jim, the consummate professional, maintained his erection and saved the day. The second guy I brought to see her was Rich Vos. Rich had sex with her and then walked outside like an asshole to smoke. She hated him.

The first time I met Ozzy Osbourne was because of Jim. He knew a guy named Frank who worked at MTV and Ozzy was being interviewed by some Russian host. Frank walked us backstage and we looked into the green room and saw Ozzy sitting there. I had no idea how to act, I was completely paralyzed. Jim played it cool and just talked to people like we belonged there and instead of following his cue, I just stood in front of Ozzys door and stared at him like Boo Radley. Ozzy walked by us and I actually followed him to the bathroom to ask for an autograph. I didnt do photos back then, I typically just got people to sign my business card. We finally made it into the green room and as Ozzy is signing my card, Jim grumbled, Get the picture.