Wexler - Awful First Dates

Copyright 2012 by Sarah Z. Wexler

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Wexler, Sarah Z. (Sarah Zoe)

Awful first dates : hysterical, true, and heartbreakingly bad / Sarah Z. Wexler.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

(pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Dating (Social customs)--Anecdotes. I. Title.

HQ801.W652 2012

306.73--dc23

2011035362

Printed and bound in the United States of America.
VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

He spills out a pile of pennies all over the table, telling me he fished through the couch for change to pay for his big night out.

From the guy who chews on rocks to the one who has his mom tag along, Awful First Dates is filled with hilarious, cringe-worthy, holy-crap-did-that-really-happen?! stories from the front lines of dating. With dating stories from celebrities like Lauren Conrad and Michael Kors, youll laugh, youll cringeand most importantlyyoull feel better about some of the dates youve been on!

He ate an entire bowl of dip with his fingers.

He said, I think we should hang out in the woods and just groove on each other.

About thirty minutes in, he paused, took a sip of wine, and then said, So, can we go have sex now?

Heres to great couples, who give me hope, and to great singles, who also give me hope.

Awful First Date: Hollywood Dispatch

I was a smart dating girl. I always had enough money for a cab from wherever I was. I didnt have any problem breaking a date. Like Id say, You know what, this date is really not working out. Dont worryif you dont pick up the tab, I will, and Ill take a cab back to my house. If you say it like you mean it, the dates cant be badthey just end.

Wendy Williams

Awful First Date: Hollywood Dispatch

Most of my dates have been pretty messed-up.

Taylor Momsen

Recently I was interviewing Cindy Crawford for a magazine article, and as much as I wanted to focus on hearing about the ingredients in her new skin-care line, I couldnt stop thinking about the bad date Id had the night before. A really bad date, especially one youd had high hopes for, can rock your self-esteem and leave you feeling hopeless, not only about dating, but also about loveand on a dramatic day, about humanity in general. So at the end of our chat, I asked her if she had ever been out with a toad. She thought for a moment and then told me shes never been on a really bad date. Right. Of course she hasnt. When I asked Jennifer Lopez the same question, she told me, I was never a dater. I had a boyfriend from the time I was sixteen until I was twenty-three, and then I got married. I never did the date sceneI was lucky.

Cindy Crawford, Jennifer Lopez: this book is not for you.

Its for the rest of us. For those of us who think we are perfectly normal (or at least normal-ish), yet somehow keep meeting guys who are drunk, weird, rude, pushy, or critical, who lack basic human communication skills, who are not actually single, or who try to hump our legs before we even order appetizers. Our theme song is a mash-up of Three 6 Mafias Its Hard out Here for a Pimp and Beyoncs Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It), something adding up to Its Hard out Here for All the Single Ladies. And is it ever. Even if youre happily paired off now, you probably went on a bad date, or have friends telling you their weekly Saturday-night horror stories, so this book is for you too. Its for all of us whove gone on bad set-ups, bad Internet dates, dates where you wish your whole life was filmed so you could turn to the camera in a private aside, mid-date, like Ferris Bueller or Zack Morris or Michael Scott, and mouth, Really? This book is for all of us who have gone into a date hoping to find Mr. Right and instead met Mr. Cheapskate, Mr. Drunk-Before-Noon, or Mr. Told-Me-Im-Fat.

The thing is, I cant entirely hold Cindy Crawfords comment against her, because I used to be in that camp. Not that I mean I was a superhot international supermodel who had boys gawking at me in Pepsi commercials or anything, but just that I didnt always have trouble with men; I wasnt always going on bad dates. In fact, until my midtwenties, Id always been someones girlfriend. Im not sure Id even been on a dateI just met someone and he became my boyfriend, the way that so many young people do. Dates with complete strangers were for people on The Bachelor or in romantic comedies. Instead, Ive basically been paired up since the third grade (seeing Beethoven with Michael Duarte, the kid with the blonde bowl cut and the really cool purple Umbrosswoon!). I was in one relationship for three years in high school, another for four years in college (it ended when I studied abroad and found an international boyfriend), and the one after that lasted for three years. I never let one guy go until Id lined up the next suckerer, suitor.

Which is why it shocked everyone when I decided to break up with a boyfriend without a backup guy waiting in the wings. Nope, I was ready to try something fun and casualgoing on dates! It seemed so cosmopolitan. I couldnt wait to get a manicure, glide on some red lipstick, and meet a stranger in a candle-lit restaurant for a glass of wine. After all, there had to be millions of single men in my new home, New York City. But first I had to meet them. In college, people met prospective dates in class, in intramural sports, or the next morning when they woke up in the same bed after a keg party. But postacademia, it gets tougher to date people you know, unless you make a move on a coworker, your mailman, or the guy who delivers your Chinese food. And not having a network of vouched-for men means a lot of random set-ups and Internet dating sites. Which means strangers, basically. And as I quickly learned, it also means lowering your expectations. Instead of those romantic candle-lit dinners, I got a guy whose idea of a picnic spread, after a five-mile hike, was pulling out a half-full baggie of trail mix.

I spent the next three years going on first datesand a couple seconds, and even a few fourths. By the end, I had my routine down: blow-dry my hair, lacquer on the eye makeup, pop in a mint, and be on my way. Ever since I approached the wrong guy at a coffee shop, thinking he was my Internet date, I always got to the meeting place early so it would be up to him to recognize me. If anyone would have to be embarrassed before the date even started, it would be him. While Id wait, Id sit and text my male friend the info I had about my date, like his username or where he told me he worked (my friend requested this, I think, because he watched too much