Keltie Knight - Act like a lady: Questionable Advice, Ridiculous Opinions, and Humiliating Tales from Three Undignified Women

Acknowledgments

Diana Baroni, for giving us a platform and believing in our stupid Ladythoughts; our editors Michele Eniclerico and Danielle Curtis, for editing a book written by one college graduate and two morons, along with the rest of the team at Penguin Random House.

Andy McNicol, the book agent with the best taste in the biz, and the entire WME team: Meghan Mackenzie, Justin Ongert, Marcus Levy, and Jenni Levine Michener.

Our lady lawyer, Carolyn Conrad; Derek Kroeger; Sue Madore; manager and hypeman extraordinaire, Ricky Rollins; Debbie DeCorte; Elena Garcia, a.k.a. the OG LadyGanger; Norm Pattiz, a.k.a. Daddy Normbucks; Kit Gray, a.k.a. the man who fields all of our emotional emails like a champ; Peter Morris and the entire kick-ass sales team at PodcastOne.

Our partners at Hello Merch: Sam Means and Tom Cook. Brand Like Thats Natalie Pirzad and Lainey DePompa. BeSocials Ali Grant, Sarah Burns, and Haley Henning. Something Socials Calli Choldonenko, Erin Dykstra, and Amanda Apgood. Our funny friend Justin Martindale; Wesley Bird, for her badass illustrations; Alexandra Ingber, for being the only person who actually knows what they are doing and has the lists to prove it. Ket Nejat-Thompson for making us sound a little less dumb. And lastly, thank you to the LadyGang community worldwide. You are the LadyGang. Without you wed just be three lone LadyLosers.

BECCA: To Zach, for letting me exploit, humiliate, and make fun of myself in front of the entire world and never asking me to stop. To my sister, Jessica, for always answering my calls and making me feel normal no matter what. To Orly, you are my everything. Lastly, to my parents, who let me curse and chase my dreams without doubting my ability.

KELTIE: To Chris, the most private person in the entire world, whose life got blown open when he met me. Thank you for laughing at the pathetic human being I was, and at all the terrible choices I made before your love made me cool, and for loving my workaholic tendencies. To my parents and brother, for never listening to our podcast; and finally to my Emmy Award, for being the reason I get up every day.

JAC: To my parents, for being my best friends in the entire world, for boldly supporting every crazy life venture I have ever taken on, and for putting on invisible earmuffs when listening to our podcast and coming to our shows (youre not a regular mom and dad; youre a cool mom and dad). I am SO proud to be your daughter. To all of the assholes I dated, for treating me like garbage and teaching me how to fully appreciate my person when I found him. To Jared, for loving me fearlessly, and for letting me roast him every day.

GOODBYE: A LADY WOULD NEVER

Its probably pretty clear to you by now that we are questionable women and that we gave you some pretty questionable advice. Its not easy being a lady, especially when societys expectations can be so unattainable and ass-backward. We started the LadyGang to empower ourselves, to be our own bosses, and to make women everywhere feel less alone. We never really imagined that anyone would actually listen to our constant ramblings, but our gang of ladies is now a worldwide tour de force, with millions of connected women giving us the confidence and courage to fearlessly and unapologetically be ourselves.

We arent afraid to pluck a nipple hair at the beach, eat a rotisserie chicken with our bare hands in the car, or bawl our eyes out to a Rascal Flatts song in the middle of a baragain. Weve been pathetic and desperate in love, and weve puked from a hangover at our desk at work. Weve bought designer purses we absolutely couldnt afford, weve dyed our hair every color of the rainbow, and we dont wash our legs in the shower. We will continue to fuck up, make bad decisions, and have a cheat day that turns into a cheat month. We dont have all the answers, and we usually just drink a bottle of wine when all else fails. Lady life is messy, after all.

As you close this book, take a deep breath and try to remember that everything is temporary. Bad weeks will turn into good weeks, eventually. Timing is everything. Dont let people be reckless with your heart. Be gentle with yourself and with others. Dont be a dick. Try to act confident, even when you dont feel it. You are better, smarter, and prettier than you think. Stand up for yourself, because you deserve it. Wear sunscreen every day. Do no harm, but take no shit. Theres room for everyone at the table. Whatever is breaking your heart right now wont break your heart for much longerbecause something else will! And thats okay, because lifes a bitch, and then you die. But in between those two things happening, remember that youre not alone.

So if you are already a LadyGang member, its good to see you again, friends. Thank you for making the LadyGang so incredible. We couldnt do this without you. And if you are new to us, welcome to the gang! You now have thousands of new best friends.

In the immortal words of Kris Jenner, Youre doing amazing, sweetie!

LadySlang Dicktionary

Askhole ( n. ) A person who constantly asks for your advice yet always does the complete opposite of what you tell them to do.

Bitchcraft ( n. ) The art of being a total bitch for no reason, often practicing acts of upsetting people just for the hell of it.

Cuntstipated ( adj. ) Experiencing emotional or spiritual blockage caused by having to deal with too many cunts in one day.

Dicknotized ( adj. ) Starting to catch feelings for the guy because the dick is so good.

Dickpressed ( adj. ) Being sad or depressed from the lack of dick in your life.

Dicksand ( n. ) The female version of being whipped. Much like quicksand, dicksand is what girls get caught in when theyre obsessed with their crush, boyfriend, husband, or anyone giving them dick.

Fuckening ( n. ) A day of reckoning that occurs when things have been going too well and then some shit finally goes down.

Garbae ( n. ) Your bae, but hes trash.

Hangxiety ( n. ) The feeling of overwhelming guilt, stress, and worry you experience after a night of binge drinking. Hangover-induced anxiety.

Hatfish ( n. ) A person who is attractive only when wearing a hat.

Highdea ( n. ) An idea or insight you have when you are high. For the duration of being high, it is a truly profound, original, and genius idea, but it makes zero sense the next day.

Hoement ( n. ) A moment when a lady renders herself a ho.

Hoetivities ( n. ) A collection of hoements.

Jactivities ( n. ) Activities Jac loves, such as day-drinking, adventuring, and traveling.

Justache ( n. ) Justin Biebers mustache.

Keltdown ( n. ) A Keltie-style meltdown.

Mimbo ( n. ) A male bimbo.

Porkfolio ( n. ) A collection of dick pics that girls save for later hilarity.

Rolodicks ( n. ) A phone directory of male cohorts who can quickly be contacted for sexual activities.

Sadsturbation ( n. ) Masturbating while sad.

Saltmates ( n. ) Two like-minded people who, like soul mates, enjoy being salty as fuck together.

Screwvenir ( n. ) A souvenir you steal from someone you sleep with.

Sexico ( n. ) Any tropical destination where couples go annually to reignite their sex life.

Sexorcism ( n. ) The act of having intercourse with someone in order to move on from an ex.

Tampnesia ( n. ) Forgetting a tampon inside of you for an extended period of time.

Trashback ( n. ) A flashback to a trash ex.

Vag-enius ( n. ) A man who is highly educated in the workings and art of the vagina.

Vajourney ( n. ) Any sexual adventure led by your vagina.

Yesterbae ( n. ) An ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-crush, or former hookup.