Keltie Knight - Lady Secrets: Real, Raw, and Ridiculous Confessions of Womanhood

Copyright 2022 by Keltie Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jac Vanek

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Rodale Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

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RODALE and the Plant colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN9780593236338

Ebook ISBN9780593236345

Cover design and illustrations: Jac Vanek

Interior illustrations: Wesley Bird

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Every Lady has a secret. An experience or an encounter so disgraceful, so embarrassing, so shameful, or so fucked up that we wouldnt dare tell a single soul. Well, until now.

The truth is, we all do some disgusting, scandalous, heartbreaking, or generally ill-advised things when no one is watching. The humiliation of our darkest behaviors, the hilarity of our grossest moments, the torment of our most raw memoriesthese all become our secrets. Secrets we hold deep inside and refuse to even tell our closest friends, families, lovers, or doctors. But as they say: The truth will set you free.

Over the years, the three of us have released many of our own mortifying stories into the universe on the LadyGang podcast and in our first book, Act Like a Lady. And with every secret we shed, we felt like we were doing a small service to ourselves and ladyhood in general. By sharing the not-so-pretty truths of our lives, we felt like we were dropping the mask of perfection society forces upon uspulling back the curtain and leveling the playing field for ladies everywhere and saying, Enough is enough!

For some insane reason, society has imposed on women a false standard in which it feels shameful to show the struggles of figuring out womanhood, and because of this, we always make ourselves appear more pulled together, smart, and stylish than we actually are. On top of that, we are all competing in the Lady Olympics, and we worry that admitting that we acted selfishly, broke the rules, or fucked our brother-in-law in Cuba might take us down a notch in the eyes of all of the judgmental pricks out there. Women are not allowed to be messy. We are supposed to be polished and obedient and accommodating, right? Weve become so damn afraid of drawing outside of the lines that we keep even the most innocuous secrets deep in our personal vaults.

Our goal with this book is to embrace the power of our genuine selves by owning our *un*ladylike truth. Men get to brag to their friends about their inappropriate behaviorsthey wear their sinful stories like a badge of honor, and society in general tends to shrug it off or enable their reckless behavior. (Boys will be boys, right?) But women? We carry around a lot more shame about our behaviors than men do and tend to hide our secrets out of fear of being labeled imperfect. Because society expects us, as women, to do it all. Were supposed to have a career, change the diapers, clean the kitchen, and impress others with a smile on our face and our tits up to our shoulders. God forbid we lose something up our vaginas and have to go to the emergency room! The double standard for the expected behaviors for men and women is unfair and straight-up misogynistic, and, quite frankly, were fuckin sick of it.

Dont you feel this sense of deep relief when you hear another lady share some juicy, behind-the-scenes blooper from her life? We know we do. It makes us feel less alone, less ashamed, and more human. And we wanted to give that priceless gift to our LadyGang community and fellow ladies around the world.

So we created Lady Secrets.

Not only do we reveal many of our deepest, darkest secrets in this book, but we have also gone above and beyond. Even though our Gang is a collective of the most wonderful, wise, incredible women, we knew that each of you bitches was hiding somethingjust like us! So, we launched a submission website and hotline, 1-844-SXY-LADY, which gives others the opportunity to join in shedding the shame and embrace the power of revealing their truths. The secrets immediately started flooding in. Lady Secrets became a space for our ladies to expose their dustiest skeletons and free themselves from the guilt that weighed them down. And the result? A dynamic collection of essays, short stories, unsolicited advice, and lessons learned the hard way. Were exploring universal truths that will make you shudder: white lies turned lifelong cons, weird things our bodies do, messy sex lives, and juicy celebrity encounters, while also shining a light on the gut-wrenching secrets about motherhood, relationships, death, revenge, and depression.

This is our collective truth, and we hope it inspires you to embrace yours as well. Lady life is exciting and beautiful and scary and rewarding and grueling and sketchy and agonizing and smelly. And were here to share it all: the good, the bad, and the diarrhea. So, to every Lady who submitted a hilariously disturbing tale or left us a ridiculous voicemail, we congratulate you on your courage. From getting a fly stuck up your vagina to straight-up hating being a mother, your secrets made us laugh, cry, and cringe deep in our souls.

A note: Submissions to the book have been edited for clarity and length. (If you pooped in a barbecue grill for revenge and submitted your story, but it doesnt sound exactly the same, trust us, its your poop. Thanks for understanding!)

We hope Lady Secrets leaves you feeling a little less worried about your awkward memories, a little less ashamed of your *un*ladylike habits, and a little less alone. Because, we think we can all agree, stumbling through womanhood is a lot easier when you know everyone else is stumbling alongside you.

Maybe its a little white lie thats spiraled out of control. Maybe youre still holding on to guilt about something you did as a child. Maybe you truly did something super fucked up, and you never admitted it to anyone in real life. Whatever it is, we are all holding on to somethingeither for good reason or notthat we simply need to get off our chests. This section is just for that.

As humans, we all tend to want the outside world to see us as having our life together. Many of us still present our highlight reel, even to our closest friends. Living in the digital age, where everything is documented, is terrifying. What if we share a private story via text and someone screenshots it and blasts it all over social media? What if a best friend becomes an exbest friend, and they have years of ammo that illustrates why you might be a terrible or disgusting person? Sharing our secrets with others is scary; we understand.

But carrying the crushing weight of these types of secrets makes us feel like hot garbageso why do we do it? Our not-scientific-at-all research leads us to believe that as a baseline, women are