Trisha Ashworth - Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms

Dirty Little Secrets

from
Otherwise Perfect Moms

from
Otherwise Perfect Moms

Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile

Copyright 2008 by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

ISBN: 978-0-8118-6390-2 (hc)
ISBN: 978-0-8118-7167-9 (epub, mobi)

Design by Jennifer Tolo Pierce

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107

www.chroniclebooks.com

A huge and heartfelt thank you to our editor Lisa Campbell.

to all moms
who are courageous enough to speak the truth, lift the veil, and tell it like it really is. Your honesty puts us one step closer to loving motherhood as much as we love our kids.

Reluctant as many of us may be to admit it, we moms have all got dirty little secrets. Whether weve got one child or five, a 50-hour-a-week job or full-time duty as supermom, weve all got a few small, not-for-public-discussion, yet utterly crucial coping mechanisms. A couple stealthy habits or indulgences we rely on in times of need, and then conveniently neglect to tell our partners or closest friends.

We, the authors, also have more than a few dirty little secrets of our own. Whats more, after interviewing more than a hundred moms to write our first book, I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, we discovered that pretty much every mother out there does as well. Of course, no one wants to admit that, at least at first. But once we got moms talking, anonymously, and once wed listened to their initial raps about how truly amazing and balanced and blessed their whole lives are, we burrowed down to the truth.

This process of emotional realization took a few minutes. Twenty-two to be exact.

Us: How are you handling motherhood right now?

Them: Its amazing. I love it! I am so balanced. My husband is my best friend.

Twenty-two minutes later:

Us: Sounds like you have a real balance in your life. How do you do it?

Them: Ummmm, well, maybe balance isnt the right word. Ummm, actually, I havent taken a shower in three days. And, OK, my husband and I havent had sex in three weeks.

Then, after the truth about sex and hygiene, came the secretsthe late-night grocery-store runs to buy milk, just to steal a few minutes alone; or the phony latte names used at Starbucks and the elaborate fantasy lives that went along with those names, primarily involving still living in the city and not having kids. When we first stumbled upon these secrets, we added a few of them to our book, on the theory that even a mom with a howling newborn and a terrorist dont-make-me-hurl-this-mac-and-cheese-at-you toddler could home in and hit pay dirt in the five seconds a day she managed to read. We thought of the secrets as mom candy: a quick, delicious hit. What we didnt yet seein fact, what we didnt realize until moms from near and far started telling usis that those secrets arent just juicy. They tell a whole story. Packed into mom shorthand, each contains a highly condensed accounting of the issues were all living with in motherhood today.

So we went on a mission to uncover more. In some cases moms mailed us their typewritten dirty little secrets to ensure their privacythey wouldnt risk being identified by their handwriting or sharing their e-mail address. In others, moms approached us in person, eager to share their own realities, both for the sake of connecting and for the catharsis of coming clean. We hope youll read the secrets that follow in the spirit that we gathered them: without endorsement, without judgment, but in solidarity. Our goal is to puncture the overblown expectations we all have of ourselves to be perfect, and in the process make our generation of mothers feel less guilty, less burdened, more unified, and less alone.

Talk to us and other moms at
www.reallygoodmom.com.

My secret escape is having a cigarette with my husband in the back of my minivan while the kids are inside watching a movie.

My kids dont wear pjs on weeknights. They go to bed in their school clothes so I dont have to fight with them about their outfits in the morning.

I let my two toddlers eat Milk Bones right out of the box. I figure if theyre not barking, theyre fine.

I signed my son up for karate because the instructor is hot.

I lie to my mother in-law so it seems like I spend more time with the kids than I do.

My biggest fear as a mother is being judged by other moms.

I had to use my toddlers potty chair on the side of the road when I was stuck in traffic. I just couldnt hold it.

I love my kids but I didnt always. It took time to fall in love with them.

I wish my husband would have gotten hair plugs before it was too late.

The hardest part about being a working mom is the mom part.

Before my husband gets home, I spray Lysol near the front door.

I listen to hip-hop in the car with my kids in the back. They know every word, including the bad ones, but I hope they dont realize theyre actually swearing.

When I cant listen to the kids screaming anymore, I pop in ear plugs. They are my savior.

I believe in the 7 out of 10 rule when it comes to your husband. Everything used to bug me, but when I really thought about it I realized he had 7 out of the 10 qualities I want out of a man. Now I try and not let the three things he doesnt have bum me out.

If I repeat to myself Im OK, Im OK, I hope that Ill begin to believe it.

My one regret in motherhood is that I cant slap people.

I skip whole chunks of my younger daughters bedtime stories. Poor thing really cant tell the difference.

I threw away my birth control pills and he doesnt know.

Sometimes I think my nanny does a better job than I do.

Last night I wanted to read my book so I let my three- and five-year-olds watch reruns of Roseanne.

My shrink tells me we have to laugh more. What a waste of money.

My night nurse was my crack addiction. She was supposed to stay for two weeks. She stayed for six months.

I threw out a pair of shoes my daughter loved and told her I couldnt find them.

I told my four-year-old daughter that its illegal to get married before youre twenty-nine.

When Im at Safeway I buy a Nordstrom gift card and charge it as groceries. I can justify it that way.

My rule is beer at lunch, wine at 5. Wine at lunch feels like I have a problem but beer just seems OK.

I locked my two-year-old daughter in my car and stood helplessly as I watched her take her hair clip out of her hair and put it in her mouth.

I bit my daughters finger while trying to steal a bite out of her cookie.

Some nights when my husband and I go to bed, I roll over and play dead. All I can think is I just cant handle it if one more person pokes me today.